Chapter 3

The weekend comes and goes, I went to the salon and colored and cut my hair. It's very Anne Hathaway except its red like Kate Winslett's in Titanic. Jake and Molly invited me over again for dinner, tonight her sister Jess is coming over with some amazing news and she wants to share it with everyone. I can only imagine, I am hoping it's about the job she applied for in New York. She really does deserve it. She has busted her butt to get where she is. She is a master in the kitchen. She trained in Italy and France. She has wanted to get into the restaurant scene in New York for months now; I hope her dream has finally come true.

Mrs. Jenkins is going to flip when she sees my hair. She always loved my long brown hair. She said I reminded her of the story of Lady Godiva. I used to tell her, it wasn't long enough for me to do ride a horse naked. I laugh at myself, and continue getting ready. The picture on my bedside table catches my eye. I just shake the memories away. Oh Christian I was never good for you. In the end we would have just destructed each other. Me with my unsubmissiveness and you and your control this would have never worked anyway. You said it yourself, you like control and you don't do the flowers and hearts crap. I really should have listened to you then, but no I had to push for more. I ruined you. I ruined all that you stood for; I promise I will not allow my decisions to effect you any more. Good-bye Christian. I pick up the photo and place it a drawer. That is where it will stay until Baby S asks who his or her father is.

I will no longer dwell on the past. I made the right decision, maybe I was selfish but the look of pure hate and disdain when he called my child "It" made me sick. All I wanted was to protect this little person growing inside of me. I really should write my family letters and let them know I am ok. I will start that on my lunch. I owe my mother, and Ray an explanation. It's been sick months since they have heard from me. I am sure they are scared and freaking out. My mother is probably too busy with Bob to even realize I have been off the radar for 6 months.

I finish getting ready and grab my purse and head for the bookstore. When I walk in Mrs. Jenkins gasps and hold her chest, "Annie your hair, it's all gone and it's red." I laugh, "Yes I cut and colored it. Do you like?" She spins me around and examines the cut and color, "To be honest I love it." I shake my hair dramatically as if I was in a shampoo commercial, "Do you really?" She holds up a finger, "Hold on her is the true test. "Darryl come here, come look at Annie's hair." Mr. Jenkins come out from the stock room, "Holy smokes Annie you look amazing I love that color. It really brings out the blue in your eyes." I smile brightly, "Thank you guys I appreciate it, I hope Molly and Jake have the same reaction. They haven't seen me since I had it done." Mrs. Jenkins' eyes go wide, "Molly doesn't know? Oh she is going to be shocked." I laugh, "I know I can't wait." I say sneakily. She just shakes her head and continues with her work, "I'm going to go stock the shelves. I'm still trying to catch up from Christmas." I can hear Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins making kissy faces to each other, those two are still so in love with each other, I honestly think they fall back in love with each other everyday. I sigh and continue my work.

I take my lunch and go to the bistro. I pull out my paper and pen and start writing.

Dear Ray,

I am ok, I am happy and I have a nice little apartment. Please don't worry about me. I am sorry I just took off and didn't let you or mom know where I was going. In all actuality I didn't know where I was going to go. Please don't try to find me. Christian and I are over, we both did and said some things we are not proud of. Please don't be mad at me, or him. I will write more often just please don't try to find me, I am happy and I have started over. I love you with all my heart and thank you for loving me. I will always be your little girl. You are my dad and I couldn't have asked for a better man than you. I love you Ray!

I've enclosed an ultrasound picture for you to have I'm almost at the end of my second trimester. The doctor says I am doing well and the baby is doing wonderful. I will send you pictures as soon as the baby is born. Once again I love you and please don't worry I am ok and I am safe. Please forgive me.

Love,

Ana

Ok letter one done. Now time for letter two

Dear Mom and Bob,

First let me start by saying how sorry I am. I know you must be worried sick. I want you to know I am ok and I am doing very well. I didn't mean to make you worry; I just had to make sure my child was ok and safe. I know what I did was selfish, but you have to understand I have my reasons. Christian and I are over. We both said and did some things we are not proud of so please understand that I need some space.

I am also pregnant. Now before you fly off the deep end, I am healthy and so is the baby. I have a wonderful doctor who says everything is perfect. I also have a wonderful job in a small bookstore. The owners are wonderful and I have gained some great friends. Don't worry Mom I am ok. I have a great support system here and I promise you I will get in touch with you soon. I put a picture of the ultrasound in the envelope. I will send you more pictures once Baby S is here. Remember I love you and Bob both. Please forgive me and understand I am just doing what is right for my child.

Love always and forever,

Ana

Ok one more letter to go.

Dear. Grace and Carrick,

By now I am sure you are aware that Christian and I are no longer together. We both said and did things we are not proud of. I am truly sorry I have hurt you and the family, but this is the best for all of us. I am ok and I am safe. I have a lovely apartment and a great job. I am getting by and, I am also ok. Please understand I never wanted it to be like this. I love all of you. One day I hope you can forgive me. Please just remember there are always two sides to every story. Like I said I am not just blaming Christian, I am blaming myself too. Please understand and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Love

Ana

I stuff them all into their proper envelopes. I am going to mail them when I take my mini vacation next week before the baby gets here. I am going to go back to Portland. I miss the west coast. I am going to visit Madeline; we have become good friends ever since that day in the diner. Molly and Jake gave me the ticket for Christmas. They told me to visit family well I'm visiting the one person who helped me that day. She didn't even ask questions she just helped me and I will be forever grateful to her. I take a deep breath and head back to work.

I swear all I do is work, sleep, and watch movies, but to be honest I kind of like this drama free life. "I'm back." I yell as I walk into the door. "Back here." I hear Mr. Jenkins call from the back of the store. I look around and realize all of my work is done. I have everything stocked and all the books are put away. I finally have the time to sit and finish the last book in the Huger Games trilogy. I know, I know degree in literature and I am reading the Hunger Games. I am not going to lie I do enjoy it. I curl up on the couch and start to read. I finally realize Mrs. Jenkins is standing in front of me with a cup of tea in one hand and white paper bag in the other, "Whatcha got there Mrs. Jenkins?" She smiles and hands me the cup of tea, "English Breakfast tea, weak of course, and a chocolate filled croissant." My mouth begins to water at the sound of the croissant, "Oh Mrs. Jenkins you shouldn't have but oh thank you." I pull a piece of the croissant off and pop it into my mouth. It completely melts in my mouth. Oh this is just divine, "Oh Mrs. Jenkins this divine thank you. Please sit." She sits next to me and picks up my book and looks puzzled, "Yeah I know. I know." She puts the book down, "So Annie, where are you going on vacation?" I finish chewing and answer her, "I am going to Portland to visit a friend. She helped me a lot when I needed it, she just had a baby not to long ago, a little girl she named Lynne. She is really excited to see me." She nods her head, "Annie, you are coming back right?" I smile sweetly, "Of course I am coming back why wouldn't I be?" She looks down and starts to twist her fingers, and for the first time I realize how old she really is, "Annie, its just when Ben left he promised me he would come home…he never did. I just want to make sure you have every intention of coming back. I've told you before you are like a daughter to me and Darryl if anything ever happened to you we would be devastated." I lean over and hug her, "Oh Mrs. Jenkins I have every intention on coming home, I love it here to much to ever leave. This place is my home and it always will be. So stop worrying me and Baby S will be back before you know it." She nods and taps my hand; "Ok I am going to leave you to your tea. Annie don't ever hesitate I am always here for you." I nod and thank her.

I truly love these people. They are family to me and I will not move from here. It would take miracle to get me to move back to Seattle. Back to the life of always looking over my shoulder, bodyguards, and no privacy, I am done with that life. Baby S will not have to grow up with all of that chaos, I wont have it. I want him or her to be carefree, and not under the magnifying glass of the press. I don't want him to be followed on his first day of pre-school, I don't want him or her in the spot light. I just want him to grow up normal, happy and not entitled. I want to be the one taking care of him or her, not some nanny, I am his mother and I want him to know that I always wanted him. I will not speak ill of his father for that isn't fair to Baby S. If he ever asks about him I will just say he wasn't ready for child. I will always know how to get a hold of him if need be. I just hope when that time comes Christian doesn't slam the door in our child's face. I think it would just kill me.

"Hey Annie are you ready to go?" I look up and Mr. Jenkins is closing up shop, "Oh yes, I am sorry just caught in a daydream." I pack up my things and head out the door. Molly is expecting me at her house in about an hour and I promised the girls the next time I am there I will share the names I have picked out for the baby. I know they probably aren't going to approve but they have special meaning to me. However, I am not going to mention what the names are going to be, I don't want to steal Jess' spotlight tonight. She has big news and tonight is her night to shine. Its bad enough my hair is so different I can't throw this on top of that. I make my way home and back to my seaside apartment. God I love the sea air. I take in a deep breath and go up to my apartment and change into jeans and a t-shirt. I put on my chucks and head over to Molly's.

Once I get there the baby decides to do flip-flops, startling me. Molly must have heard me shriek cause she flung open the door the look of concern written all over it, "Annie are you ok?" I laugh because she is site to seen. Her hair is all over the place and she looks like a hot mess, "I'm fine the baby just did a flip-flop, " Oh she then looks at my hair, " .GOD. Your hair is all gone and its red…I fricking love it absolutely love it." She hugs me and holds the door open for me. I turn the corner to see everyone staring with his or her mouths open. I finally break the ice, "If you keep your mouths open like that your going to catch a fly." They finally all close their mouths and Miranda is the first to say anything, "I love your hair and the color is just beautiful. Mom I want my hair like Annie's" I hear Molly fake laugh, "In your dreams sweetheart learn to maintain your room then we can talk about hair." Caroline jumps to her sister defenses, "Mom really though Miranda would look so cute with short hair." Jess finally chimes in," Oh Caroline what are you trying to do get on Randi's good side? Now slide over so I can give Annie a hug and kiss her belly. How the hell are you and I think your hair is gorgeous." I walk over to Jess and hug her. I have missed this girl like crazy she hasn't been around lately, "So tell me all about your big news I am dying to know. Does it have something to do with your trip to New York?" She clasps her hands together and jumps up, "Yes, it does." We all squeal in delight, "Well tell tell lets hear it." She sits down and takes a sip of her wine, "I have been hired as sous chef at Per Se. Do you know what this means? This means my dreams are coming true and I will have attained what I always wanted to. I am working in my dream job. AHHH!" I immediately hug her and we congratulate her on the new job. That's when Caroline asks, "So Annie what are you going to name the baby?" I sigh, "Ok so if you must know Christian Raymond for a boy and Charley Greyson for a girl." Everyone stares at me, "You guys don't like it do you which one or is it both?" Molly shakes her head, "No I love it, and I especially love the name Charley Greyson." I walk over and hug her, "Thank you, you guys are the best." Ok now the names are out I can only imagine what's to come next.

We sit down and start to eat dinner, Molly makes the best chicken enchiladas I can't help but eat to helpings, "Molly you have out done yourself, these are fabulous." Molly is a fabulous cook, I love coming over here for dinner, "Oh Molly." Jake turns to his wife, "I've been meaning to tell you, I made plans this week for us to go to dinner with my old college buddy. You remember the ceo I had that meeting with, well we went to Harvard together and he is coming out this way to look at some property. I told him we would have dinner with him." I immediately drop my fork and lose my appetite, "Excuse me." I get up and rush to bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach. I take some deep breaths and try to control the urge to vomit again. This really can't be happening? Can it? "Seriously Steele what were you thinking, this is Christian Fricking Grey we are talking about here. Not some imbecile. The man isn't stupid he knows everyone and everything. I am sure he sent Jose' here to find you. That poor bastard has probably been searching every book store in the country looking for you." Will you shut up already jeez? I splash some water on my face and go back to dinner. "Sorry morning sickness…" Molly waves me off as she takes a sip of her wine, "No worries at least you didn't toss your cookies at the table." We all have a little chuckle to lighten the mood.

After dinner we settle down in the living room, Molly puts the kettle on and Jess prepares some dessert. I believe she said flan. "So Annie, my friend was shocked when I ordered raspberry brulee?" I look at Jake his face trying to read mine, "That's weird, every French restaurant I have been to, has had raspberry brulee. Isn't that right Jess? Plus my friend Kate and I used to frequent Maison Grise quit often." Jess just nods her head in agreement. This works for now with Jake, "Oh ok makes sense. Sorry he was just reading into it I guess. He was acting very weird. Oh well he was never right to begin with." Christian is perfect. Well he is fifty shades of fucked up, but still. Jake gets up and helps the girls with their homework. "Annie I need some help." I look up and Caroline is holding her English book, "Of course sweetheart how can I help you?" She hands me her laptop, "I have to write a paper, this is my rough draft can you just check it over for me." They all know I have bachelors in English. When I was in Chicago and had my identity changed they also were able to change my school records to Ana Sanders. It is as if I always existed. "Annie you should be a teacher at my school. You would be so great." Caroline says enthusiastically, " You know rumor has it they will be looking for an English teacher." I laugh at her, "Oh Caroline I don't know the first thing about teaching. English yes, but teaching not so much." I hand her back her computer, "Besides, would you really want me checking up on you? I would have eyes and ears all over the school." She grimaces, "Oh maybe you shouldn't apply." I chuckle and instantly grab her hand, I place it on my belly, "Do you feel that little bump bump?" Her eyes widen, "Is that…is that the baby?" I smile widely, "Yep it sure is." She puts both hands on my belly now, "Mom, Miranda, I just felt the baby move. Oh my God, and it was so weird, but in a really cool way." This girl cracks me up. The baby finally stops moving and she let's go of my belly, "Oh Annie, thank you for letting me feel the baby it's was sooo cool." I stand and put my arm around her shoulders, "Any time kid, now I need to use the washroom. Baby S is sitting on my bladder.

Mean while back in Seattle…

"Christian, why are you doing this. You are packing your things and setting out on a wild goose chase. Over her, her of all people, she left you Christian. She up and left and didn't even leave a note just her wedding rings on the piano." I look at Elena, and for the first time I see what a complete monster she is, "Elena, she is my wife, she is carrying my child. I want my family back! What part of this do you not understand?" She walks over to the chaise lounge chair and sits down, she crosses her legs and kicks her heels off, "Christian I thought I taught you better than that? We are the type of people who don't do family, you even said it your self, you are not father material. Do yourself and that child a favor and stay away. Everyone is better off with you here and her where ever she is, plus Christian if she wanted you to find her she would make herself known." I pick up my deodorant and through it across the room, "Will you just shut the fuck up already. Elena, when are you going to get it through your thick bleached out skull that I am not like you? I am capable of loving someone. I will not stay away from my child. Speaking of staying away from their child, how is James doing? Have you even spoken to him in the last year and half?" Elena is stunned, she can't believe I went there oh yes I went there, "That's not fair Christian, you know Linc has turned him against me. How dare you even throw that in my face?" I laugh at her, "What? You don't like when your skeletons come out of your closet? Now if you don't mind I need to finish packing. Oh and Elena I am nothing like you. You are a sad, you can have all the money in the world and the best surgeons but you are just a shell of a person. You are completely empty. Now please leave." She stands from the chaise lounge and slips her heals back on. Just before she stalks off she stops in front of me, "Sweet, naïve, Christian, you still haven't figured yourself out yet have you? You are by far worse then me. You are the most selfish, self-loathing, son of bitch I have ever met. I am at least empathetic you have no empathy for anyone. Feed the world my ass, you just do that to appease you're our demons. Call me dear when you come to your senses. I will be waiting." She shakes her head and I can hear her heals clicking on the marble tile.

I finally finish packing and I begin to pick up the remnants of my deodorant. God that woman pisses me off. Who the hell does she think she is? I am completely destroyed, and she wants me to stay here and not even check, she has to be six months along now. I bet she looks beautiful. What was I thinking? That's the problem Grey, you weren't thinking. You only thought of yourself and how your selfish needs weren't going to be met anymore. That's what you were thinking. I drop to my knees and sob. I sob like a baby; I feel like a piece of me has died, my whole world is gone. I sob so hard that I make myself sick.

I finally get myself up off the bathroom floor and look at the clock, 5 o'clock dinner should be ready. I splash water on my face and look in the mirror. The man looking back at me disgusts me. Maybe Elena was right, I am just a selfish, self-loathing son of a bitch, but even still this selfish self-loathing son of a bitch wants his child. I should have never said that to her. I replay those words in my head everyday and night. "Take care of it." I called my unborn child an it, what kind of person does that. I can tell you, one who is as messed up as they come. One whose first 5 years of his life consisted of, being hungry, abused physically and mentally, and then being saved, but the damage that the crack whore and her pimp did will never go away. No amount of therapy can help me. Maybe Elena was right, I should just do everyone a favor and stay away.