To fix what can't be normal again.

Author's note : So… Angst, anger, self-harm, blood, smut, masochism, sadism… ANGST !

To say that they didn't have a healthy life was just a freaking euphemism.

And they both knew it too well.

Alexandra still didn't know if she really cared.

§§§§

She was the only one to who he showed his scars.

She had cured them, of course, she had erased them from his skin, but the thing is that, every day, a new one appears on his arms, and Alexandra has no fucking idea of how to make him stop, how to make him want to be better.

But how could she, since she herself doesn't know how to get better, how to stop this rage, this violence in her that she has so much difficulties to contain, and since she doesn't know how to express her desire to control things ?

To have the control on one fucking thing in her life, it was the only thing she was wanted to have.

Was it too much to ask ?

§§§§

Sometimes, she wanted to destroy herself.

Except that unlike Pinocchio, she didn't feel like she had the right to do so.

She knew she didn't have the right to.

She was a princess.

Princesses don't give up their kingdom, and she was certainly not going to do so.

It didn't stop her from wanting to do it.

That was the problem of seeing Pinocchio and seeing what he was doing : he made her want to just chuck everything in.

And it was bad, since it was something she just couldn't do.

The worst thing of it, in fact, was that she really wanted to.

Before this day, it never was so hard to try not to fall.

And now ?

Well…

She felt like falling was the only option she still had.

§§§§

Destroy her own mind.

She thought about this option a lot of time, when she wasn't focused on something else.

(And that was the real problem. She couldn't stay focused on something else during enough time, and anything could make her think about it, think about how much her own life was just vain, and about the so little and non-existent control she had on it. She couldn't stop herself from thinking about it.

There were so much things in her life or in the world itself that she couldn't control).

This would have been so easy.

Alcohol could make it work, or well, make her not work or function or be okay anymore.

And this would be, again, such a bad idea.

She can't say she is not tempted by this option, but it doesn't last.

This is not a good idea.

She is not yet – luckily, she is not going to be one before some years, with chance – the ruler of her country, but it doesn't mean she doesn't have responsibilities.

And even if Pinocchio thinks as she does that nothing matters anymore, that nothing has sense, she still wants to do as if it was the case, as if her world hadn't fallen into pieces.

She doesn't believe it, of course.

It doesn't stop her from trying.

§§§§

She never wanted to destroy herself the way Pinocchio was doing so, and she never harmed herself.

The idea did cross her mind, but she knew that it wouldn't make her feel better – not that she was sure that it helped Pinocchio feel better either – but she never did it for real.

There is a part of her which wanted her to do so, but, unlike Pinocchio, she couldn't hid it, if she decided to mutilate herself.

The other part just wanted her to feel alive, to get control.

She is lost, and full of rage and violence, she is not herself anymore and her parents don't recognize her.

And Pinocchio is the only one who understands her.

Once, there was a time where she was a completely different person.

§§§§

She was a young woman who was in love and who was happy.

Yeah, that's cliche, and she knew it.

She didn't care.

It was another day where her and Lily were together.

They were in their bed.

This time, it was Lily who was lying on her, and there was a smile on her face.

And it was hard, so hard for Alexandra, to remember this, to remember these happy days which would never come back.

It was harder to remind these scenes, now that she had let her internal anger finally explode, and all of this, well… it couldn't bring her anything but pain.

Lily looked at her girlfriend and kissed her.

It was a soft kiss, full of tenderness.

Alexandra missed those moments.

She missed her easy and simple life.

Alexandra was feeling her body against her, in a soft pressure, Lily's hands wandering on her skin, caressing her softly, with love.

Yes.

All her gestures were just full of softness.

And now, Alexandra knew well that it was not what she wanted anymore.

Lily's hands continued what they were doing, and…

Alexandra closed her eyes.

She couldn't do it, she couldn't remember it.

Lily had loved her, yes.

But it was not the case anymore, and this was not what she wanted.

She clenched her fists.

Tears rolled along her cheeks.

She tried to breath with difficulty, and it burned her.

She began to sob, just feeling pain and pain, again, again, and AGAIN…

The princess was back in her bed, the one in her castle, the one her and Lily used to share together.

Softness was gone for her now, forever.

All she still had was rage.

Other flashes of memories crossed through her mind…

§§§§

"I love you, I love you, I love you…."

I miss you Lily, Alexandra thought. So much.

She didn't love her anymore, but yet, it didn't mean she didn't care about her.

She had decided not to tell her the truth about their world, about the fact that they were alternate versions of existing people, about the fact that no one there cared about them.

That Emma didn't care enough about them.

It meant that she had lost her forever.

It meant that Lily would never understand her the way Pinocchio could.

There is a hand touching her, and it belongs to Lily, obviously, and it feels damn good.

It used to be, in fact.

And Alexandra doesn't want it to stop.

Except that it did, in end.

One of Lily's hands is on her left breast, caressing it with softness – yes, softness, again, as if there was nothing else she could remember from this period of time – while Lily's mouth is stuck on her right nipple, that she is sucking, and Alexandra moans with pleasure.

Then, her girlfriend's hand looses itself between her tights, caressing her clit, softly, and this time, she screams with pleasure.

Her screams are now just full of horror and pain.

All of them.

She wants these feelings to come back again, but she knows that things can't be as they used to be.

In a schizophrenic way, she wanted things to be as they were before, while in the same time, she wanted something else.

Something which was in her, coming from her, which terrified her, and that Lily just couldn't understand.

Rage, anger, hatred…

All of this was burning in her veins, threatening to explode at any moment, and she just didn't know how to let it go.

Well, she knew how now, but not with who.

She wanted Lily without wanting her the way she used to want her, which meant that now she wanted something else, something Lily herself didn't want.

Yeah… It had no fucking sense, and she herself didn't understand what she meant.

Hell, if she herself didn't understand what she wanted to say, to have, how could she hope to succeed to formulate it for real and make it be understood by another person ?

She couldn't/didn't want to get her ex back in her life, because she knew how much different they were now.

Because, unlike her, Lily was happy. She was everything Alexandra used to be and wasn't anymore, and it was the reason why they would never be together again, even if both of them had wanted to. She would never understand her rage, her violence, would never…

Nothing was like it used to be, and it was killing her.

And this rage was present in another way in her.

She was frustrated, clearly.

It didn't happen by chance, the fact that what she was remembering of Lily and herself now was how they made love to each other.

Since she couldn't express her anger and her violence by using… well, violence, the only other option for her was to do it through sex.

A thing she never wanted to do before.

Which explained easily her "little" problem.

She had realized it not a long time after her fight with Pinocchio, when she had finally accepted to release her rage. Usually, Alexandra was not a violent person, that was the reason why Pinocchio had been the only one she had attacked. Because she knew that she could do it, because he understood why she felt the need to do this.

But it had a side effect on her.

The princess may had, without knowing it, woken up her dark side.

The one which wanted to destroy things.

That was the reason why she felt so bad.

She was not used to feel frustrated, and this one, this frustration was now eating her alive, destroying her, burning her.

And to remember her sex life with Lily certainly didn't help. Alexandra tried to relax, and not to think about anymore, not to think about anything, and she put herself under her blankets, before sighing heavily.

Gods, this night was going to be so long…

§§§§

She. Would. Not. Sleep. For. The. Whole. Fucking. Night.

Not if she continued despite herself to think about all these things which were already poisoning her during the day, in fact, all she wanted was not to think anymore.

Not now.

Not to think about painful things.

She had to do something to put it out of her.

So, her hand naturally found its way between her thighs.

She was frustrated.

And alone.

And excited.

So, this seemed to be the only thing she could do to stop thinking about death, horror and pain.

She opened her legs, and she slowly began to rub her clit, touching herself as she already did before, trying to remember one of her nights with Lily or Pinocchio.

Because yes, after her break-up with Lily, she had had sex with him two or three times.

But these memories didn't help her at all, and she let a frustrated groan escape from her lips.

So, she turned it into something else, a little fantasy coming from her mind, and which never happened for real.

She hoped it would help her feeling better.

§§§§

It happens in a world where Lily is as much ruined as she is.

There is fire in her eyes, the same rage which lights in Alexandra's body.

All they want is to ruin the other one, again and again and again, and to bring her into an ocean of pleasure from which she will never come back, and where none of them will ever think again.

They are broken and they know it perfectly.

And they love it.

Lily runs finally into her direction, cups Alexandra's face in her hands, and she kisses her immediately, hungrily.

The kiss is rough, brutal, violent and yet full of passion. Alexandra bites Lily's lips and she drinks her blood, and she finally stops thinking.

It's just perfect.

Alexandra looks at Lily, and she feels like she is burning.

She wants to ruin her.

And it seems like Lily completely agrees with her.

Or maybe it's her imagination, or her fantasy, which makes her think that.

Maybe that it was just what she wanted Lily to feel.

Alexandra groaned when she felt that Lily was still fully dressed.

In reality, she didn't make any sound.

Lust was darkening their eyes, and Alexandra couldn't help but kiss, bite and mark everything she could on Lily's body.

Lily moaned.

"Alexandra… she whispered, and the princess smiled against her neck.

- Yes ?" Her lover asked her with a mischievous grin.

Lily didn't answer, so Alexandra continued her caresses.

These one rapidly turned into true scratches, and she made her nails roll all along the other woman's skin with delight, in a way which was everything but soft.

Alexandra had now pressed her on the bed, surrounding her completely this time, having her at her mercy.

The princess had another smile.

Now, she really had the control.

And she adored it.

Lily's look of adoration on her was enjoyable, wonderful, great.

It was making her feel powerful, even if it was just a lie she had invented.

She wanted this, forever.

She even wanted more.

When she had seen her, standing up in majesty, she had wanted to rip out her dress, put this one into pieces.

And now, she could do so.

She put the outfit in two pieces, revealing the young woman's skin.

Delicately, she took her underwear from her, admiring the young body under her.

Alexandra had a sad smile.

"So beautiful… And so sad… So easy to ruin..."

There was madness now in Lily's eyes too, and Alexandra recognized herself in her look.

A look which meant this.

She wanted this to happen.

Violently, and almost cruelly, she slashed Lily's arm with her nails, making her bleed.

Taken by an impulsion, Alexandra put her mouth on the wound, licking it, drinking her lover's blood with delight.

Oh, hell, where was she going ?

What was she becoming ?

She continued her kissing, her biting, and Lily continued to moan.

Her Lily would have hated this, had it happened for real.

But it was not her, right ?

It was not real.

When Lily gave her a pleading look, Alexandra finally inserted two fingers into her pussy, penetrating her, leaving Lily with a sight of contentment.

The moves of back of forth accelerated, just as Alexandra did in the real world.

And, as Alexandra's moans were beginning to be louder and louder, so did Lily's.

"More… Lily begged. Please… more."

When the Lily of her fantasy finally came, Alexandra screamed with pleasure and fell back on her bed.

Hell… She was so fucked up…

§§§§

Days passed and remained the same.

Alexandra continued touching herself anytime she could, because it was the only thing she had found to stop herself from destroying everything, burning everything, including herself too, including of course the world itself.

Just in order to know if it was really not real.

(Alexandra had sometimes thought about killing herself, just in order to know if there would be any other side waiting for her, if they were real enough so they could get after their death to some Paradise or Olympus or any other word this world was called.

The simple thought that there could be nothing waiting for them terrified her beyond belief, a thing she would never have thought before this terrible situation began.

Sometimes, it even stopped her from breathing during a too much long time.)

It helped, a little, but rapidly, it was not enough anymore for her.

Every time she did it, she was feeling like she needed something else.

Something more than what she already had.

Something which was going further, and she just didn't know what.

It was terrible to think this, but she finally realized that she, in fact, wanted her fantasies – the one coming to her mind while she pleasured herself – to become true.

She wanted to hurt someone, but didn't want to do this on someone who wouldn't want it. As it was the case for Lily.

Lily would never want it to happen for real, and by the way, she just didn't want her anymore.

Which leaded Alexandra to another problem.

A realization that had hit her lately, because this was something she just couldn't accept to believe.

She wanted Pinocchio.

Yes.

She was definitely fucked up.

§§§§

To try to define her feelings toward Pinocchio would have been pretty harsh.

She hated him for revealing to her the secret about their reality which was not that real at all, and at the same time, there was a part of her which really loved him since a while.

She loved him, yes, but now, it was not about love anymore.

It was about her letting go of her darker instincts.

Sometimes, she hated herself for wanting to destroy him that much, but hell, he was the one who put first her world on fire, right ?

It was just justice that she made the same thing to him, no ?

Well, her moral sense was answering her a simple no.

That was the reason why she was so conflicted : Pinocchio didn't deserve to be the victim of her rage, even if he was indirectly the one who woke it up.

And yes, it seemed like her unconscious was not agreeing at all with her.

Because, after she understood what she wanted now, in all her dreams and fantasies, Lily was replaced by Pinocchio.

(Hell, she…

Yes, it's beginning a little repetitive.)

When she saw the blood on Pinocchio's arms, when she saw the new scars, during one of her visits, she realized she may was not the only freak in the room.

"You did it again ?

He nodded, without answering at first; leaving her with her thoughts. At first, the first times, when she was coming there, he tried to hid it from her, but now, he didn't even bother to, since she knew what he was doing.

Alexandra's breath suddenly became heavier when she saw the blood.

Oh hell, did she want to fuck him right now.

Blood fascinated her, she had realized after she had seen Pinocchio cut himself.

She didn't know why, but she wanted to drink it, as if she was collecting the fruits of her work, of her torture on him.

And it was making her feel sick.

In what was she turning, some sort of vampire ?

- Of course I did it again… he finally answered, seeming really tired."

She took his arm and, looking at the scars, she frowned.

"What were doing at your arm ? I mean, apart of cutting it, of course…"

Pinocchio smiled.

"You see, my father… He was not just a craftsman, he was an artist too… That's also the reason why I kept doing it, I was fascinated by the drawings I could make on my own skin.

She stayed silent.

- You think I'm crazy, right ?

- I think the both of us are crazy. I think we have been put into madness after we realized how much we were nothing.

Tears fell from her eyes.

- I think we will never be okay anymore. I think I just want the pain to stop, I just want to forget about all of this, she added with a moved voice, but I can't ! She wiped her tears with a move of contained anger. I think I'm scared, and that I just can't cope with this, or support it anymore. Not this way, at least. And I know I have to do something, but I don't know what."

Pinocchio's answer astonished her.

"Hit-me, he ordered her.

- Excuse me… What ? She asked, naturally shocked.

- Hit-me, he repeated. Fight-me. Punch-me. I know this is what you want to do.

- What do you mean ? She demanded, falsely innocent. She already knew too much what he really meant.

- Your rage, you anger… All these feelings which are burning you and that you can't make go, that you can't control… This violence you showed when we fought together… Against each other. You couldn't hid it, and it exploded this day, and I'm sure as hell that it's not gone. And I understand this, I understand what you're living. Because this is what I am enduring too, because my need to destroy myself hadn't disappeared too. It is just expressed in a different way."

Something new then happened in her eyes, something… different. She was not crying anymore, and she was looking at her friend with curiosity. Suddenly, she began looking at him with a strange air, as if she had just understood something about him, the same way he had understood her completely.

"You want this… You want this to happen, you want our fight to happen again… You want to… suffer. I mean… You like it, right ?"

When did it happen ? When did Pinocchio turn from just wanting to hit himself and punish himself for what happened into someone who actually liked what he was feeling ?

When did her friend become a true masochist ?

And why did she see nothing ?

"You became addicted to physical pain… she finally realized. You enjoy this now. Just as much as I like, well need to hurt people physically."

They were the same, she realized.

Strange people who had been destroyed in the past months.

They were twisted, broken, fucked-up.

So, maybe…

Maybe they wanted the same thing, in a different way.

She smiled, making her grip around her friend's arm firmer.

"I have a proposition for you…"

To be continued…

Next chapter : SMUT !