"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"
Dudley Dursley's right hand was being crushed by his sort-of-maybe-girlfriend. He didn't make a big deal out of it though because his sort-of-maybe-girl-friend was currently in the middle of a contraction that had interrupted a very terrified med-student telling her that it would be at least another two hours before the baby could be born. So now was not a good time to bring up the crushing of his throwing hand. Instead he stood by silently (and hopefully stoically) and prayed that the terrified med-student was wrong, and that it wouldn't actually be another two hours of this madness.
(He also prayed a quieter prayer that the med-student could run fast, because he really didn't want to end up sued by the hospital if his sort-of-maybe-girlfriend killed the poor kid.)
Sarah Kelly was not in a good place. For the past nine months she had been steadily gaining weight and losing control of her emotions. And while Dudley had been there with her for almost every second, there were some things that he just did not understand and was not equipped to deal with. Those were the times Sarah had sent him out for Oreos, Bugles, Pickles, and a pint of green sherbet. And then Amy The Best Friend would come over and Sarah would eat and talk and maybe cry while eating some more. (Amy The Best Friend earned her title after responding to a desperate text message at three in the morning while at a club on a Friday night.)
So now, after months of this craziness, after nine months full of hormonal angst, uncontrolled emotional eating and one horribly awkward visit home ("Hey mom, meet my sort-of-boyfriend Dudley. I'm pregnant.") After all this, a med-student who didn't look old enough to grow a beard was telling her that the pain of childbirth would last at least two more hours.
Sarah was ready to shish kabob the next person who sounded remotely cheerful and/or brought bad news. That was exactly what she told the already frightened med-student. Funnily enough, about a millisecond later he found a reason to flee the room. (He was both of those things.)
(((RAMONAinBLUE)))
"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!"
For the past two and a half hours Sarah had grown steadily more vocal, and Dudley had grown exponentially more frightened for the future of his –ahem- manhood.
He had also quit trying to form an actual apology, and was now sticking to a constant stream of sorrysorrysorry shit! Just hang on please ahhshit no, I know it sucks I'm really sorry babe, Ouch! Okay not babe! Sorrysorrysorry shit!
Meanwhile in the special maternity wing lobby, Sarah's parents were watching Winnie the Pooh and pretending that it was not their nineteen year old daughter they heard swearing like a sailor.
(((RAMONAinBLUE)))
Sarah's blonde hair was kind of nasty looking and plastered to her neck and face by a thick sheen of sweat.
Dudley's right hand was red and a bit swollen and he was breathing like he had just run a marathon.
And the yet un-named baby was wrinkly, slightly purple, and really really small.
Dudley was not sure he had ever seen a smaller human being. He was sure, however, that he had never seen a more beautiful baby.
"Hey," He nudged Sarah with his shoulder and she shifted over on the bed to make room for him. "What are we going to name it?"
"Her, Dudley. It's officially a Her. And I have no idea." Sarah looked down at the baby. For nine months this tiny little human being had been growing inside her. For nine months she and Dudley had looked down at her stomach (which had become, over time, a separate entity) and called the baby growing inside it Bean (because that's all it looked like on the sonograms for a really long time). Now though, Bean needed a name. A female name.
"Well she really doesn't look like a Charlotte." Charlotte had been one of the names on the list. Dudley had rather liked the idea of being able to call his daughter Charlie. Now though, looking at the (tiny) infant (purplish) girl, he couldn't see her as a Charlotte.
"Yeah. And I'm really sorry, but the only flower I can think of right now is Daffodil, and I refuse to subject such a helpless being to such a horrible name." The flower-for-a-name idea had been in the running, but Dudley agreed, the (tiny) infant (purplish) girl did not deserve to be called Daffodil.
"Well, what's a name that she won't be made fun of for?"
"What do we name her so that there won't be six other girls in her class with her name?" Sarah had been one of seven Sarahs in elementary school, one of ten in highschool, and one of twenty-three in college.
"What can you picture yourself yelling when you're running late in the morning?" Dudley himself could only picture yelling… "What about Ramona?"
Sarah's mouth twitched, and she squinted down at Bean, trying to decide if she saw a Ramona. Bean wrinkled her nose and started wiggling, not seeming to care that the fate of her name was being decided.
"Ramona." Sarah tried it, rolling the syllables around in her mouth. "Ramona. Raaaamona Rammoooooonna." She looked back down to Bean (who still didn't seem to have an opinion) and then looked to Dudley. "Yeah. Ramona's good. I like Ramona,"
"Ramona. Okay. What about middle name?"
"Ramona Penelope?" They both wrinkled their noses.
"Ramona Charlotte?" Sarah made a face.
"Ramona Harley?" Dudley made a face.
"Ramona Alice?" Bean made a weird face. (Probably an I-just-pooped face, but it was taken as an omen by both Sarah and Dudley.)
"Okay. Let's think. What's something that isn't too fancy or classy sounding, but something that isn't too trailer-trashey?"
"Trailer-trashey?" Dudley was unfamiliar with the phrase, but whatever it was, it didn't sound good.
"Yeah. Like ShaLonDiqua. Or Ladasha."
"Ramona ShaLonDiqua. Hmm. Has a nice ring—"
"Don't even think about it!" Sarah sighed. This was a lot harder than she had been led to believe. "Okay. Ramona Something. Ramona Blank. Ramona… Ramona June."
"Ramona June?"
"Got a better idea?"
"No. I like it. Ramona June," Dudley could definitely picture himself yelling Ramona June we're running late! But there was another thing that nagged at him. He couldn't picture himself yelling Ramona June we're running late, I have to drop you at your mother's house for the week. He didn't want to say that. So he decided instead to ask Sarah. "Sarah?"
"Mmhmm?"
"Now that we've had the baby, and named it-her, I've got a question."
"Hmmm?"
"Can she be Ramona June Dursley? And could you be my girlfriend? Like definite girlfriend? Not maybe-possibly, but just, you know, girlfriend?" Dudley Dursley had never before asked such a convoluted question, and he had certainly never before been so nervous for an answer.
Sarah thought for a minute. Dudley and she had practically lived together during the pregnancy, and he had been very kind, very attentive, very understanding. Not only that, but he hadn't pushed her or pressured her or asked her to marry him or anything weird like that. Instead, Dudley Dursley had put up with her haywire emotions, her strange food cravings and her erratic hormones. Dudley had read all the parenting books with her, attended all the birthing/parenting classes with her and (most importantly) not told her he loved her.
Sarah smiled "Yeah. Okay. Ramona June Dursley. And yeah, okay, I'll be your for-serious girlfriend."
"Oh thank god!" Dudley breathed a sigh of relief.
Sarah giggled, and then stretched up to kiss him firmly on the lips. "I really really really like you Dudley Dursley."
"I really really really like you Sarah Kelly, my dearest girlfriend and mother of my child."
(((RAMONAinBLUE)))
Two months later at two-thirty in the morning when Ramona wouldn't stop crying and he got up to take care of her, Sarah told Dudley that she loved him. A week later when he came home from midterms and she greeted him with a kiss and a cold mountain dew, Dudley told Sarah he loved her.
(((RAMONAinBLUE)))
On Ramona's first birthday Dudley proposed to Sarah. She said yes, and three days later they were happily Mr. and Mrs. Dudley and Sarah Dursley.
Ramona, not to be forgotten, giggled madly throughout the entire affair and spat up all over the Judge.