A/N::My Name Is not Stephenie Meyer, - Some of you weren't happy with the way Bella treated Edward in the last chapter. This chapter, the talk! Enjoy. =) And stick with me, I promise I won't steer you wrong! Bella POV
So obviously I don't own Twilight.
Unfortunately.
Just keep in mind he may have admitted to his mother he still loved Bella, but him and Bella still haven't had their talk yet.
In her mind she thinks he doesn't care. He disappeared for two year without attempting to KIT with her.
So when he starts showing her compassion she doesn't know how to deal with it on top of everything else.
I'm not condoning her actions but people act on their feelings sometimes before they think them through fully.
Here I sat at the hospital waiting to see my father. He finally came out of his unconscious state in the early morning at around 3am. My mother spent some time with him until Ella and I showed up at 8am. After my mothers oh so nice comment about me looking like death I sent her home for a shower and a cat nap.
I had only slept maybe 3hrs the previous night.
I felt horrible.
I wanted to call Edward up and apologize for the previous night but I didn't have the guts to do it. I know I love him, with every fiber in my bones, there was no question about that, but last night I used him and I couldn't will away the guilt that I felt inside.
I carried around so much anger towards him, mainly in these past 4 years, that I used it in the one way I knew I could get him, sex. I poured all my anger out onto him last night. My frustration, guilt, deprivation, everything and it was wrong of me.
I knew we needed to talk about last night, we needed to talk about the past four years. The same way I said that I have changed and matured from the old Bella, excluding last night. I had to give Edward a chance also. He could have very well changed from the old Edward also. We had to at least try to build a friendship for our daughter's sake. Even if we could never be together, we at least had to be cordial.
My fathers cardiologist, Dr. Aro Volturi, gave us the ok to see Charlie.
"Mommy, is PawPaw hurt?" Ella asked as we made our way to his room.
"Yes honey, but he's going to get better. We just got to give him a lot of love." I smiled.
"I'm gonna give him a bigggg kiss"! Ella whispered as she motioned with her hands far apart the size of her kiss.
We walked in and Charlie looked as if he was back to his old self.
"Now there's my dose of medicine." Charlie smiled as Ella skipped into the room.
"Hi PawPaw, daddy said that I should tell you fishy's are going to be in the wake soon, so you gotta bedur quik-aly." Ella said pointedly as she spoke to my father.
I looked at her surprised being that she mentioned my father and Edward in the same sentence. The two hadn't seen each other since my dad gave him a blow to the gut.
"Ugh, well you tell your daddy no need to worry, Papa's doctor said he'll be out of here in no time." he said a little stunned, but then winked at Ella as she let out a giggle.
My dad talked with me while he teased Ella and tickled her to the point of squeals. I couldn't believe how lively he looked when just hours ago I didn't know if I'd see his peppered brown hair or bushy mustache ever again. Just thinking about losing him and the details about last night I felt my eyes tear up. I had messed things up bad.
"You OK Bells?" my dad asked as he looked at me worried.
Ella climbed up on my lap and ran her tiny hands against my tear stained cheeks. "Mommy, iz ok, Paw Paw's going to be bedur soon, da doctor said it." she smiled as she looked worried at me. Who was the mom again? I thought as I kissed her cheek.
"I know baby. I'm crying because I'm happy." I lied to my baby girl.
I quickly changed the subject and asked my father what all he had been told. He said the doctor put him on a strict diet but he would be released from his "Jail" within the next few days. Ella & I headed home when my mom got back to the hospital around 2.
I took the rest of the week off from work and helped my mom get Charlie home and settled over the weekend. The week was back in full swing and I still hadn't called Edward to fix things. He was supposed to pick Ella up on Friday so I planned to have Renee take her for an hour so I could have time to talk to Edward. I just hoped he would show up and come without body guards, now that he had his full rights back to his name.
Friday afternoon strolled around and I had just gotten back home from dropping Ella off at my parents around 5:30. I slipped into a pair of sweats and waited for Edward to show up. The doorbell rang at 6 on the dot. I slowly walked towards the door hoping he was alone and wouldn't freak out on me. I opened the door slowly and came face to face with my 6'1 God.
"Hi Edward." I smiled shyly.
"Is Edella ready?" he asked sharply.
"In a minute, come on in." I said as I opened the door for him to enter.
"Isabella, my weekend starts at 6, she needs to be ready when I am here to get her from now on." he said without looking at me.
"Please have a seat, Edward." I said as I sat down on the sofa.
He sat at the far end of the sofa and let out a loud sigh, "Will you please get Edella." he asked emotionless.
"She's not here." I answered.
"Where is she?" he demanded as he stood up from the sofa. "Are we playing one of your little games again?" he snapped.
"No Edward, no games, I just wanted to talk to you without her little ears here. She's at my mothers and she's bringing her over in an hour."
"What is there to talk about Isabella?" he mumbled as he stared out the window.
He couldn't even look at me he was so disgusted. What had I done?
"Please look at me." I pleaded as my eyes filled with tears. He slowly turned his head to face me but kept his jaw clenched and his stare was hard. Not the lovable Edward I used to know.
"I just wanted to apologize Edward, I'm sorry about the other night. I took advantage of you and I'm sorry." I cried. "I was angry and hurt and broken and it's still not an excuse I know that. It was an immature gesture and I didn't think of your feelings or even if you were involved with someone. I took advantage of your compassion and turned it into something wrong, I'm sorry. I know you hate me, and you blame me for the past and I can't change the way you feel but I need you to understand that I'm sorry and I would never dream of hurting you. You're my daughter's father, and I don't want anything to come in between the relationship your building with her. I just want to make sure you don't think the actions I took the other night were pre meditated or I vindictively acted upon it to come in between you and your daughter. I need you to understand that." I said as I pleaded for his forgiveness with my eyes. "I'm so sorry." I said again as I sniffled and tried to regain my composure.
"Bella, how can you think I hate you?" he asked as he looked at me bewildered. "Am I angry yes, I won't lie. I never dreamed of YOU taking advantage of ME and if circumstances were different the other night would have been extremely" he paused. "Hot?" he said more as question then a statement.
"But circumstances aren't different and I understand you were hurting and angry and emotional but for you to use me like that was more hurtful then anything." he said as I saw the pain in his eyes "Bella, I don't hate you & I certainly don't blame you for the past." he said frustrated. "Hate for you is the farthest thing I have for you. Damnit Bella" he sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair and tugged. "I Love you. I don't know how else to say it." he said exasperated.
"And I'm not the 20yr. old idiot I was 4 years ago who knocked up his high school sweetheart. I'm older and I have a good head on my shoulders now and I'm not back to play these games. It's not Bella and Edward anymore. It's Bella, Edward, & Edella and she comes first in my book. We can't do this to ourselves anymore. Jesus Bella, we've hurt each other so much in the past. We were young and stupid back then and I didn't know what I had till it was gone. I mean Christ, whenever I look at Edella I think back to the night you almost lost her." he teared up. "Bella, I can't see my life without her now. She gives me a reason to live, to take a breath every morning, to make myself a better person." I nodded my head completely understanding what he was saying.
"When I was in Minnesota," he sniffled as he wiped his eyes. "I don't want you to think that little girl wasn't on my mind every minute of everyday, she's my life. I went there to better myself, to set foot in the door so I could make a life for her." he paused. "and you." I looked at him confused. "Don't you love me anymore Bella?"
I sighed as I readied myself to open up old wounds and tear down aged walls that I built up along my heart and say the words I hadn't said in almost 4yrs. "Of course I Love you Edward. Never stopped. Probably never will," I sighed. "but that's not the main issue right now. Our little girl is, we need to form a friendship before anything else."
"Bella," he said seriously.
"Yes, Edward?" I asked cautiously.
"This question has eaten away at my mind and I feel I need an answer to it." he paused. "Why did you divorce me?" he asked as he fisted his hair and looked at me for a lifeline, a reason behind all the madness.
"Because I couldn't see you unhappy anymore. I couldn't watch Edward slip away from me more and more everyday." I croaked out.
"Unhappy?" he looked at me confused. "What do you mean unhappy, I was never unhappy."
"Edward, you were unhappy. Everyday you were out an hour longer, left an hour earlier, everyday I was losing you a little bit more. We never talked anymore! Whenever I'd even try to talk things out with you you'd tell me nothing was wrong and you'd try to change the subject. I couldn't make a relationship work by myself Edward. You had to want to make it work also." I said angrily. He was opening old wounds and I was starting to feel the pain.
"Bella," he sighed. "I was never unhappy with you, it was the situation. I was living with my parents, my wife and my child. No job, no money, I couldn't support my own family and everyday I'd watch you pretend like everything was ok, that it didn't matter your husband was nothing., that we were living off of my parents and your parents. And I knew you deserved better, I just didn't know how to give it to you, so I shut you out. If I would have ever known you felt that I would be happy WITHOUT you, I would have plastered on a damn smile and pretended that I was the happiest man in the world."
I wiped my eyes and stared at him pointedly, trying to work out in my head how to explain it all.
"That last night, the night I left, was the end for me. I couldn't watch my father and you fight it out like life long enemies. It wasn't just Bella and Edward, that's true. It was Bella, Edward and our families. Everybody was there for us Edward, everyone fought the battles we fought. When we'd fight I'd run to my parents, when you were angry at me you'd go to your parents and in doing that, your parents weren't fond of me, and my parents down right hated you. It just hit a point where I knew if I didn't get out you'd come to a point to hate me too." I said as I wiped my tears.
"And I'll be honest, it was an escape route. In my head I thought you'd come to beg me back and actually want to change for me, want to open up too me, but you never did. I saw you only when you'd come visit Ella and you'd ignore me and then it just sank in that I was right and you did hate me. And the more you were away the more I began to hate you two, the bad times would stick out more then the good." I shrugged. "And when you moved to Minnesota, be it a month or 10 years, it still was you leaving your daughter and me behind and I hated you for it. Not only leaving us, but you were able to go without feeling like you had to own up to your responsibilities and stay. I picked up all the baggage, and had to make it work. Don't get me wrong and think for one second I regret Edella, but I wanted some form of freedom too."
He studied me for a minute without saying anything. I felt myself getting clammy waiting for him to say something.
Anything.
"I'm sorry." he mumbled.
Really? That's all he had to say to everything I told him.
"Bella, I never knew you felt this way. I just felt unneeded by you. You took to being a mother so well. You left and your parents helped you. You didn't need me anymore. I'd come for my visits and it was like you were waiting for my time to be up and leave. I took the offer in Minnesota not expecting to go. I didn't accept at first, I just told you I did. I did it to see if it would get a rise out of you and see if you'd beg me not too leave. I think back to it and see how stupid it was to do that but that's just what I was, stupid. After you not caring if I was there or not I took the job, and went to make something out of myself, someone who you could depend on. I just didn't think you'd write me off completely either." he sighed.
"Bella, I'm happy you've made something of yourself. I'm happy you have everything going for you. I'm glad you've been able to give my daughter a life full of love and happiness, but there's also the part of me that wishes you needed me still. That I was still the person you looked for when things were getting rough. I would listen, I wouldn't be stupid and shut you out like I did before. If I could go back through time believe me I would change a lot. But I can't, so if being the best damn father Edella could ever have and being your friend is all I can be. Then I'll take it, whole heartedly I'll take it. I'll be the best friend you never had." he chuckled as he wiped his eyes.
In that moment, I saw a person in front of me who had just as many wounds as I did. He felt just as forgotten as I had. I couldn't hate him, even if I wanted to. I had no right, I had hurt him just as badly as he hurt me. And if only we both had sucked up our pride and talked things out, things probably wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. Maybe we would have still been together raising our daughter as a couple. I gave him a wide smile. And as I smiled, I noticed I hadn't smiled at him, a sincere no bull shit smile, in almost 4 years.
I couldn't stop what I did next.
I reached sideways on the couch and enveloped Edward in a tight hug. I nuzzled my head in his neck and just enjoyed the feeling of closure. He returned my gesture head on. We sat there for a few moments silently asking for forgiveness with our hug. We were brought out of our moment by a throat clearing.
"Um, Isabella" my mom said as my little girl came running around the sofa.
"Mommy, Daddy!" she squealed as she hopped in Edwards lap and wrapped her arms around our necks. "Hugs!" she giggled.
"Hi baby girl!" I said as I kissed her cheek.
"Um, well I guess we should be going, Right sunshine?" he asked Ella as he switched his eyes to me.
"We gonna go see Gamma and Gampa?" she asked Edward with a smile.
"Yup, and crazy uncle Em, and Rose, and Auntie Ali and Jasper." he smiled as my little girl squealed with happiness. She loved her Auntie Alice.
He gathered up Edella and her over night bag as she said her goodbyes to me and my mom.
"Bye ma'amma, bye mommy, Love you!." Ella said as she hugged my mother and I.
I walked Ella and Edward out to his silver volvo, he strapped my baby into her seat and then turned towards me.
"I'm really glad be talked Bells, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder." he said.
I knew exactly what he was talking about. "Yea, I'm really glad we cleared the air." I added
He grabbed me in a quick hug and headed towards the drivers side. I watched them leave and then turned back towards my house. My mom was posted up by the front door. I squeezed in by her and headed towards the kitchen waiting for her accusations.
"What was that, Bella?" she asked as she followed me into the kitchen.
"What was what mom?"
"That act of affection." she said loudly.
"Mother, it was a hug." You should have seen us the other night if you wanted to see an act of affection. I added in my head. "We were just talking out a lot of unsaid issues. If I'm going to be seeing him a lot more lately, I have to be able to be in the same room as him. Don't you think?" I asked.
"I don't know. I hope you know what you're doing Isabella, because I honestly don't want to see you hurt again. There are other people that are involved in the equation now. It's not just Bella and Edward." she said pointedly.
"It never was." I added.
She sighed heavily, "I'm heading home, I will see you later." she said as she enveloped me in a hug. "I love you."
"Love you 2 ma." I added as she walked out the door.
I finally felt…free. Yes that's the word, free. I was so happy Edward wasn't angry at me and I was glad I could finally say I didn't hate him. We had misunderstood each other over and over again and I was glad we had cleared the air. I would take him as a friend. Hell, I could take him as a best friend. I wanted more, but I would take what I could get.
I ate dinner….Alone.
I watched a movie….Alone.
And then I headed to bed….Alone.
I hated being alone.
I awoke around 9 the next morning and took a quick shower. I threw on a black V-neck sweater and a pair of dark blue straight leg jeans. I added a pair of 'Ugg' black boots and let my hair dry freely. I hopped in my jeep and headed towards the diner for breakfast. I had another task to cross off my 'guilty' list today.
I sat in a corner booth at the diner drinking a cup of coffee when Jake strolled in. He looked beautiful in his grey v-neck and jeans. His black hair was cut short and accentuated his muscular neck and 6'2 body structure. I tried to keep a smile on my face as he strolled towards me, willing the pain I felt in my chest away. I was going to break him apart. I stood from my booth and he quickly embraced me in a hug and pecked my lips.
"I missed you beautiful." he smiled a wide smile at me.
"I missed you too Jake, how was Georgia?"
"Good, it's nice there. Kind of reminds me of here just, hotter."
"That's nice." I half smiled.
"Bella what's wro-"
"Hi, I'm Lauren, what can I get ya'll today?" the waitress interrupted.
I mentally thanked the waitress as she took our orders. We sat in silence for 15mins as we listened to the music and waited for our food. Lauren brought our food too us and I silently began eating. Another 5 minutes passed by in silence and then Jacob finally broke it.
"Just say it."
"Say what?" I asked as I felt my eyes water.
"I don't know, whatever it is that's making this uncomfortable."
I sucked in a deep breath, "I slepwitedward." I said quickly.
"Come again?"
"I slept with Edward." I said as I felt my tears let loose.
I was expecting Jacob to get up and storm out or scream and cuss me out but he didn't. Which made this ten times worst.
"When?" he asked as he looked at his plate and played with his eggs.
"Two weeks ago, when Charlie had his heart attack."
"I'm angry, but I understand. He was there and I wasn't and you needed someone. Someone to comfort you." he said as he looked up at me emotionless. He was so selfless. This man was so good. Too good.
"Jacob, I cheated on you, how can you say it's ok? How can you say you understand?"
"Easy, because I love you." he said simply.
I sat there and contemplated what he said. How easily he could say he loved me. I sat there and debated what to say next. He looked at me waiting for me to return the sentiment, but I couldn't.
"Jacob, I - I can't. I love you, just- just not like you love me." I said as my tears flowed more freely. "It's him, he's had my heart. Ever since I was 16. And I've tried to move on really I have, but I can't. And until I can move on from him, I can't make promises to you that I can't keep."
"I knew him coming back would stir up false feelings." he mumbled.
I shook my head. "There not false Jacob. I knew I still had feelings for him before he came home." I said sadly. "Tell me you haven't noticed Jacob, I know you have. I mean, I've never had you sleep over, we haven't had sex in months." I trailed off.
"Why wait till now then Bella?" he asked hurt.
"Because you were my outlet. I felt alive with you. I wasn't Bella, Edward's ex wife. Or Bella, Edella's mom. I was just Bella. And I do love you Jake. You're one of my best friends. I've tried to feel more but I just can't." I cried.
"Maybe in time you could feel more, I don't mind trying to work through obstacles." he sighed.
"Jake this isn't an obstacle, I can't make myself fall in love with you. It's not fair too you for you to give %100. When I can't give you the same. I'm sorry."
He cleared his throat and flagged down the waitress. He passed her a $30 bill and stood from the booth.
"I um, guess maybe I'll talk to you later. I wish you all the best and hope you and Edella get your happy ending. I send my best to Charlie and Renee." he said as he turned to leave.
"Jake, WAIT!" I said as I chased after him. "Please, I know I deserve it, but please don't be like that."
"I need time Bella. Give me space please." he said as I grabbed him in a hug.
"I really am sorry, Jake." I said as I wiped my eyes.
He nodded his head and hopped in his truck and left.
I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had just lost a really great friend, and there was no way of getting him back.
I aimlessly drove around forks trying to clear my mind of the last 2 days. I had closure with one of my relationships and had to end another. I was on a roll. Not.
I went home and ate another dinner alone. I missed my baby girl so, so much.
I called it an early night and landed in bed at 10.
I awoke the next morning at 7, damn that's early for a Sunday. 6hrs till I pick up my princess.
I brushed my teeth, showered, shaved, washed clothes, cleaned, anything to kill time. I curled my hair with a curling iron, mastered my eye liner and mascara and fiddled around with different lip glosses. 12 o'clock, one more hour. I straightened up my closet and picked out a green sundress and a pair of strappy white sandals, 12:30. I could be a few minutes early, right?
I hopped in my jeep and headed over to the Cullen's. I arrived at 12:45, Alice answered the door.
"Bells!" she squealed as she enveloped me in a hug. "I've missed you so much. Why haven't you called. I know I was on vacation but jeez you still could've have called." she said non-stop.
God, did she breath?
"Sorry Alice, I've just been really busy with Charlie, and Ella. I lost track of time."
"Yea, I called Charlie last week, he sounds good."
"Yea he's doing a lot better. Where's Monk?" I asked as I looked around the living room.
"With Emmett and Rose in the pool."
"Ugh, I can't deal with Rose today. Can you get Ella for me?" I asked Alice.
"Sure." she smiled as she skipped out of the room.
"Well hello there." the velvety voice said behind me.
I turned around and smiled. "Pajamas at one, classy Edward." I laughed.
"Edella's rules not mine. She said daddy you stay in your pajamas allll day and I'll be a happy girl." he joked.
"Yea, I'm sure she did." I sighed. "Did you just wake up?" I asked as I eyed his white shirt and red plaid pants.
"From a nap. Edella didn't sleep well last night so I didn't sleep much." he sighed.
"Was something wrong with her?" I asked worried. "Why didn't you call me?"
"It's fine Bella, she just had a bad dream and couldn't fall back to sleep. So we watched Barney until she fell back to sleep and I stayed up to make sure she didn't wake up scared again."
"Oh," I said as I bit my lip. "That was nice of you." I smiled.
"Nice." he chuckled. "That's my daughter. I'll do anything for her."
"Yea I know the feeling." I laughed.
"Mommyyyyy!" Ella sang as she ran towards me.
"Hi Monk. I missed you." I said as I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around me.
Emmett and Rosalie entered the room after her.
"Hey Bells." Emmett smiled while his Fiancée eyed me like the plague.
What is her problem?
"Hey Em" I smiled.
"Well I guess I'll see you in 2 weeks." Edward said while he smiled at Edella.
I could see the pain behind his smile . I freak from being away from her two nights. I could only imagine two weeks. Ella nodded sadly.
"How bout daddy come and have dinner at our house next Saturday?" I asked as I eyed Edward.
"YEAHHH!" Ella squealed.
"If daddy is free." I added.
"Yea, I'd love that. Thanks Bella." He said as he smiled widely.
"HUGGGG!" Ella sang as she reached her arm out to Edward.
I let him grab her into a hug. "Mommy twooo.!" Ella smiled.
Edward chuckled as he wrapped me in his other arm.
"Well I guess I'll see you ladies Saturday" he said as he handed Ella back to me and we headed for the door.
"Yea sound good." I smiled.
He flashed me his crooked smile and I knew I had just crossed a line that there would be no turning back from. In the end this was going to end very good for us or very badly, but I knew whatever happened between Edward and I. I would not let it interfere with his relationship with Ella. He was here to stay in her life for good if I had anything to do with it.
A/N:: Yay! Another Chap. Down in less than a week! I'm on a roll! REVIEW for me and show me that love! Already started Chap. 4! The more reviews the quicker I write ;) Give me some "Oomph"! Thanks for reading! Xoxoxo!