Chapter 3-
Walk.
Walk to the stage.
Walk!
I just need to walk to the stage, but I can't. Who walks willingly to their own death? My eyes scan the crowd, so many of them I know, most of who look unhappy at least. I wonder if it's because they don't think a tiny pathetic twelve year old has any chance of winning, or that I'm going to the games. I'm glad either way, perhaps their tears will cover my own dread.
Behind me, I can hear Tacitus and Cassia sobbing loudly, I have enough time to turn and give what I hope is a reassuring smile, before a Peacekeeper moves my way. As I don't want to be dragged on stage, for all the cameras to see, I move my legs robotically to the stage. I can feel the warm, sticky blood on my hand from my finger nails digging in so much.
When I reach the stage Claudia rests her hands on my shoulder and announces to the crowd, "Here we are. Any volunteers?"
No! No one must volunteer for me. No one must die for me!
No one does of course. Volunteer may as well be another word for dead. I could almost cry when Cassia opens her mouth to speak, but shuts it again. I'm so grateful. I couldn't live knowing someone died for me. Never.
Claudia indicates for me to shake hands with Thresh. I reach out my hands. His huge hands swamp my own but he doesn't shake it, not properly, he just holds mine in midair, watching. I try to muster a smile for him, he doesn't return it, he just drops my hand.
I know Thresh. Almost everyone in our part of town does. His pure height and size, it's hard to miss him in a crowd, not that he does anything to draw attention to himself, Thresh keeps to himself, like me and so many other people who are afraid who might be listening. Our mother's are good friends, occasionally when I'm not working, I visit Orda with my mother and siblings. Thresh was there sometimes, but he never stayed long when I was there.
He didn't really talk to me but he has a must softer spot for Lillian, quietly whispering to her while they played games. Laughing. Thresh laughs when he's with Lillian, Lillian laughs when she's with Thresh. Lillian adores him, they favour each other too, with the same skin tone, same strait hair of the same colour, whilst mine tends to curl. My mother tells me that I used to look a lot more like Lillian, but I changed. She barley knows how right she is.
Last year, it was one of the coldest winters for us so I left out house to go to Orda's since she has a fire place. Lillian saw me watching her and Thresh play, she's the only on who can hear me when I'm silent. She beckons me over to play with her so I sit crossed legged on the floor next to her, stroking the fluffy carpet gently while Lillian talks at hundred miles an hour.
"And then Thresh told me that they have open fields that you can run as fast as she possible can for as long as you can because you can't get caught in the game and the grass is so green that even the birds can see it from the blue sky…"
When I look up, I catch Thresh staring at me, almost looking sad and I whisper, "Are you okay?"
I don't know why I said that, maybe it accrued to me that Thresh might have wanted to talk or something, we rarely ever speak unless necessary but he nods back, then talks softly to Lillian, "It would have been a lovely place."
Then he stands up, pats Lillian's hair and leaves. I still don't understand.
The next week, Lillian got a high fever, too high. She got very sick and there was nothing we could do at all for her, except try to keep her from being in pain. In 11 if you get sick, there's not any doctors or healer too help unless you can afford it, which we can't. Home remedies do little to help; dying through illnesses I know can be easily cured in the Capitol is common in 11.
The next day, I was forced to go to school by Peacekeeper, school is necessary unless you are on your deathbed or have a very catch able illness and Thresh caught up to me in the corridor to ask if Lillian was okay. He really did seem genuinely concerned for her health and I told him she was ill but she was going to get better. I was keeping optimistic.
Thresh came to visit everyday that week that he didn't have school, staying to help with my Mum who had to go to work too, between the whole family and Thresh, someone was at her side everyday and she eventually got much better. It was so nice of him, we talked a bit while Lillian was sleeping but mostly he told he stories of the same place. The field to run around in that he described so perfectly in every detail every flower, every inch of the river that flowed along side the rocky cliffs, every animal, every gigantic tree down to the tiniest things.
I would sit and listen to the stories, pleased he had such a good imagination but those stories never cheered him up, he only smiled when Lillian finally got out of her bed and hugged him tightly.
Thresh cared for Lillian.
Thresh was nice.
Lillian adored him.
Now, she might lose us both.
The anthem ends and we are guided to our rooms by Peacekeeper, who show no kindness to us, I wonder if they care at all. Our rooms are where we get I hour to say a final goodbye to our loved ones. One hour. And then I have to go.
My family walk in first. Felix, Fleur, Jude, Stella and Lillian all rush toward me and I just burst into tears. I hold on to them all, I don't want to let go.
Don't make me go.
Mum and Dad both stand in the corner by the door, Mum is resting her head on his shoulder.
"It'll be okay. You'll be alright." I say, while I wipe Lillian's nose with her sleeve, she's is trying so hard not to cry.
"So will you!" says Fleur bravely to me, "you'll come home."
No! They can't think that. I'm not coming home. Don't make me go.
Shaking my head, I turn to Mum and Dad." You'll be fine."
They walk over, Mum stroking the stray hair from my face, whispering words of encouragement to me.
"I love you Rue, never forget that." She says when the Peacekeeper comes and tells them it's almost time to go. She and Dad pull back the children but I keep Lillian back, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"Be brave Lily. I'll be watching you okay? I'll make sure you're safe."
"Where will you be?" she asks me, clinging to me like she's scared I'll leave right now.
Don't make me go.
Oh no, I think. What's a happy place? A place that's good. There aren't many real places like that, what about a unreal one? "Remember that field Thresh told you about, with the greenest grass and the river that runs by it, I'll be there." I tell her, knowing she'll be able to picture it so well, me paddling in the river, climbing the highest trees with the cheeping birds that sing to me.
"I'll be brave for the both of us Rue." She says, wiping my tears away from my cheeks with her tiny hands that care so much.
"I love you. I love you so much." I tell each one of my family, knowing may never get another chance. "I love you."
Don't make me go.
I look at each one of their faces, Stella's slightly crocked nose, and Jude's light brown eyes with flecks of gold, Mum pink lips that used to sing to me such lovely tunes. I remember; my Mum's goodbye song to us when she had to go to work. I open my mouth and choke out the word in the tune.
"It is time to go,
To say goodbye,
Smile for me,
Now don't you cry"
Unable to finish the song, I cuddle into Stella arms, feeling her warmth as she rocks me. She's old enough to understand properly. Then I hear Mum's voice start to carry on.
"I will leave you now,
You can't come too,
No words can say,
How much I'll miss you.
I'll watch over you now,
From high above,
Protect you now,
With all of my love."
Don't make me go.
At the end of the song, a Peacekeeper walks in and hurries them out, I take one last look at them, memorising everything about them. At least I'll be able to remember them just before I die.
"I love you." I whisper although no one can hear me.
Don't make me go
Let me stay.
Don't make me go.
.