A/N: I know I said this isn't a story about a Shamy reconciliation, and it's really not. I just need to get through the first few chapters so I can have them where I want them. I can't rush through it or the end result will be hollow. So bear with me, please. Also, forgive the long chapter. I couldn't find a natural stopping place.
Chapter Three
Amy sat on her couch, staring at the door, both willing the familiar knock and dreading it. She had already fought off the overwhelming urge to leave before Sheldon arrived, deciding it was more cowardice than she was willing to display. Especially to him. But she wished she had refused his request. She wasn't ready to face him, no matter how desperate she was to see him.
She had changed her clothes three times. Nothing felt right. It was as if she was wearing someone else's skin. Everything felt off, distorted. At first she thought it was just nerves, but now she was beginning to wonder if it wasn't her body trying to warn her. Was she making a huge mistake?
She glanced at her watch, calculating the time he should arrive. Assuming he had left his apartment immediately upon her agreement, and factoring in the number of stops the bus would have to make, she knew he would be at her door any minute. Her breathing became shallow and she began to feel lightheaded. Unable to sit still, she started pacing behind her couch.
"Just breathe, Amy." It was more of a reminder than an order. She thought she heard the ding of the elevator as it reached her floor, but couldn't be sure it wasn't just her mind playing tricks on her. Part of her wanted to run to the door and fling it open, but that part lost the battle. Instead she held her breath and waited.
Knock. Knock. Knock. "Amy."
Knock. Knock. Knock. "Amy."
Knock. Knock. Knock. "Amy."
Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper - genius, esteemed physicist, certain future Nobel winner – was a hot mess! The tedious bus ride had sapped his enthusiasm and left him nervous and afraid. Not to mention squeamish and a little grossed out. Why did he always get stuck sitting next to the snot-nosed toddlers? As he walked toward Amy's building, he briefly wondered if she would be willing to let him take a shower before they talked. But even that thought vanished as the elevator arrived at the third floor.
He took a deep breath, adjusted the messenger bag on his shoulder, and stepped forward. Leaving the relative safety of the elevator made him feel naked and exposed. Vulnerable. Which was the feeling he hated most in the world.
"The things a man will do for his woman," he muttered under his breath. Then it struck him. Was she still his woman? The uncertainty of that question chilled him to the bone. If she was, then he knew they could work out whatever was bothering her. But if she wasn't … that thought was too dismal to complete.
He took another deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and regain some of the confidence he had earlier. He was through considering worst-case scenarios, determined instead to fix this mess and get his life back on track.
"I'm from Texas, and we Texans know how to keep our women in line!"
With those words whispered to an empty hallway, he approached Amy's door, squared his shoulders and knocked.
He hadn't realized he was holding his breath until Amy answered the door and the air pushed its way out of his lungs in a whoosh. He didn't notice that Amy suffered the same reaction to seeing him for the first time in what seemed an eternity.
They stood for several seconds just taking each other in. Sheldon noticed that Amy was pale and looked tired. And she had lost weight. Was that on purpose, or was she taking their separation as hard as he was? For some reason that thought gave him pleasure, but he wasn't proud of it. He wondered if he should mention it. Didn't all women like to be told they looked thinner? He debated it, but decided to keep his mouth shut. His compliments never came out right, especially where she was concerned.
"Hello, Amy," he said instead.
"Good morning." Her voice sounded colder than she intended, but that was probably for the best. She needed to steel her resolve and not get swept away at the sight of him. Even though he was pale and even thinner than before, he was still beautiful to her. And the facial hair made his blue eyes seem even brighter. So sexy. She fought the urge to run her fingers across his cheek, just to see what it would feel like.
"May I come in?" Amy was jarred from her fantasy by Sheldon's soft voice. Afraid to meet his gaze, she simply nodded and moved aside to let him enter. He stood stiffly just inside the door, her aloofness making him feel awkward and unwanted.
"Go on, sit down," she said, trying to add some warmth to her voice. But it was difficult because everything in her world had been cold for so long. It was hard to remember how to relate to another human being, especially one who made her entire body hum just by being near her. As he walked by her she caught the unmistakable scent of baby powder. Damn him. She closed her eyes for a fraction of a second to bask in it, and opened them to find him watching her with an expression she couldn't read. She cleared her throat and turned toward the kitchen.
"Can I get you a hot beverage?" she asked, almost mockingly. Then another thought occurred to her. "Oh wait, have you had breakfast yet? I can make you something if you want. I haven't been to the store in a while, but I can probably scrape up some eggs and toast. Or cereal - what day is it?"
"No thanks. I'm not hungry. Some tea would be nice though. If it's not too much trouble." He hated the formality he heard in his voice, but he was incapable of changing it. He had been there less than five minutes and already things were going wrong.
"Don't be silly, Sheldon. Of course I'll make you some tea." She turned her back to him and started the preparations for two cups of tea. She didn't bother to ask what kind he wanted, knowing neither of them would taste it anyway. It was just a formality, but she welcomed it.
He welcomed the chance to watch her without being noticed. She had never looked more beautiful to him. It was as if his soul was getting a cool drink of water after a long drought. Why did this have to be so hard? Two people who love each other should be able to talk about anything. He certainly thought they could. At least he used to.
She turned with the two mugs and caught him staring at her. Once that would have earned him the look she reserved only for him. But this time is just elicited a self-conscious smile.
"Here you go." She set the cup on the table in front of him and perched nervously on the opposite end of the couch. "So, are you ready to talk?"
"First things first," he said with the voice he reserved for lectures. "Amy, are you still my girlfriend?" Despite his bravado, he was unable to maintain eye contact with her as he waited for her to answer.
"Of course I am." Her answer was firm and immediate. She seemed almost offended by the question. His instinct was to point out to her all the reasons the question was valid, but he decided against it. No sense poking the bear.
"Oh, good. Then I guess I don't need this," he said as he reached into his bag for the bound documents that they both knew so well.
"No, Sheldon. We don't need to go over the Relationship Agreement. I am well aware of the breakup protocol. And since you wrote it, I'm sure you are as well. You'll notice I met none of the requirements, which should have eased your mind. I just want a little space, that's all."
He visibly relaxed as relief washed over him. He nodded briskly and put the papers back in his bag. "Very well. Glad to hear it. That will save me from having to point out that we did not, in fact, break up. I apologize if my question insulted you. I just wanted to be sure we were in full agreement."
"About that, yes." Her voice was sad and it tore at Sheldon.
Once again, they fell into silence as they sipped their tea and stole glances at each other. There was a time they could spend hours in comfortable silence, but this was anything but comfortable. Amy couldn't stand it anymore, so she said the first thing that came to her mind.
"You look thin."
"You look beautiful." He said it so softly he was afraid she didn't hear him. But the look on her face confirmed that she did.
"See," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "Was that so hard?"
"What do you mean?" He had no idea what she was talking about, and he hated seeing her tears.
"When is the last time you told me I was beautiful, Sheldon?" She could give him the answer, but she wanted him to search his much-touted memory for it. She knew it would be a long wait. She finished her tea and went to the kitchen to rinse out her cup while Sheldon sat motionless on the couch, deep in thought.
"I don't remember," he said at last, clearly bothered by the admission.
"Neither do I. Because it never happened. Five years and not once have you told me I was beautiful. Not until now, when it is clearly a lie."
"I never lie, Amy. You know that. And what about prom night?" He raised his chin in defiance.
"What about it? You said I looked pretty, but only after nearly having a nervous breakdown. It shouldn't cause you pain to tell me you find me attractive once in a while." Her sadness was giving way to frustration. "There are times when it should be instinct, especially if you really loved me. Unless you find me repulsive." She sat up straighter at the last sentence like it was a thought that had just occurred to her.
"Now who's being silly?" he huffed. "And let's not start the 'if I love you' game, missy. Let's just state our love for each other as a given. That is not in question. Agreed?"
"Agreed," Amy said with a brisk nod. "But you are deliberately missing my point."
Sheldon squirmed in his seat before glaring at her. "Amy, I always find you attractive. But you know I'm not a fan of all that hippy-dippy touchy-feely stuff."
Amy was trying to keep her temper in check, but he wasn't making it easy. In her attempt to sound calm, her voice came out in a whine. "I don't want to hear that anymore, Sheldon. That's just an excuse, and a tired one at that."
"No it isn't! You know I have a hard time expressing my feelings."
"So what?" she exploded. "I have a hard time doing lots of things in my life, but I do them. It's called being an adult. You should try it some time," she snapped.
"That's not fair. I am trying and you know it." Now it was Sheldon's turn to whine.
Amy sighed in defeat. Her anger evaporated at the look of innocence on his face. "I know. But maybe you aren't trying hard enough. At least not where our relationship is concerned."
"How can my hardest not be enough?" He sounded like a child pleading with an angry parent.
"Do you really expect me to believe that a man with your intellect can't grasp why I would be tired of your antics by now? It's exhausting, Sheldon. You are exhausting!"
"Does this mean you don't find all my rage inducing qualities cute as a button anymore?" He lowered his head and cut his eyes up at her, once again reminding her of a boy.
"Maybe not all of them," she muttered. Then she moved closer to him and slid her hand along the cushion until it was mere inches from his leg. "Look, I know this all seems to be coming from nowhere. But I have been dealing with these issues for a long time. I thought I was okay with all of your quirks. But now…."
"But now… what?" he asked, preoccupied by the way her fingers were rubbing against the couch cushion so close to him as if she was deliberately teasing him.
"Now I wonder if it's enough." She slumped back on the couch as if a huge weight has been lifted. There, I said it. One glance at his face told her he needed it spelled out. She took a risk and moved her hand forward a few more inches until it was resting on his knee, emboldened by his lack of reaction.
"What I mean, Sheldon," she began, looking into his eyes, "is that the little bit you can give used to be enough to sustain me. It was all so new to me that I didn't know what a girlfriend should expect. So I was happy with anything. Just to sit next to you was enough. To have you acknowledge me in a room full of your friends was everything."
He stared at her with his mouth slightly ajar, waiting for her to continue.
"But the closer I got to you, the closer I wanted to get. And at first I thought it was just me, that I was trying to extend the parameters unfairly. But I have come to realize that in most pair bonded relationships, that's the way both parties should feel."
"Penny. I should have known," he began. But she cut him off.
"Penny has nothing to do with this."
"Of course she does! All that clucking she and Bernadette do, putting notions in your head that cause nothing but trouble. I'm this close to banning your so-call 'Ladies Nights.'" He felt her grip on his knee tighten and looked up to see her scowl.
"You're this close to what?" She took a moment to regain her composure. One fight at a time. "We'll just stick a pin in that for now. But if you really want to talk about Penny, explain this to me? Why can you share your feelings with her and not me? Why does she get to see a side of you that I never can?"
He sighed dramatically. "Not this again. Penny most certainly does not get the best of Sheldon Cooper. And I'm sure she would be the first person to agree with me on that."
"But you can relax with her. On some levels, your relationship with her is more intimate that ours."
"That, little lady, is a bunch of malarky! Penny is a friend, nothing more. And that's all she ever will be. You have no reason to be jealous of her."
"She's so pretty, though. And sexy. Much more than me." She hated how pathetic she sounded, but what could she do? The facts were the facts. She looked down, unable to meet his eyes.
"More malarky!" he said, his voice rising an octave. When she continued to stare at her lap, he softened his tone. "Look at me, please." He waited patiently for her to comply. "If I seem more at ease with Penny sometimes, it's because there is no pressure with her. I'm not trying to impress her and she is incapable of impressing me. At least not in a good way," he added with a smirk.
"Do I impress you? In a good way, I mean," Amy asked shyly.
Sheldon smiled for the first time since entering her apartment. "Oh Amy, of course you do. I am impressed by everything about you. You are the second-smartest person I know and you're witty and so much fun to be around. And, believe it or not, I do think you are beautiful. So much so that I spend all of our time together trying to impress you instead of giving you what a good boyfriend should."
Amy arched an eyebrow at his last comment.
"Not that!" he sputtered. Then he took her hand. "I'm sorry if I have hurt your feelings in the past by not telling you what I assumed you knew. I placed more importance on your mind than on your physical appearance. I guess I forget sometimes that there is a silly girl behind that big brain."
Amy smiled and squeezed his hand. "Thank you, Sheldon. I know that wasn't easy for you, but I do appreciate it. So much so that I will disregard your use of the word 'silly' to describe my need for more affection from my longtime boyfriend."
"But it is silly," he said. "I meant what I said. I am sorry for hurting you. And I am committed to giving you more of what you want. But I really don't understand it at all. I thought our relationship was going great. I was happy and I thought you were too. I don't see how me gushing a bunch of sloppy words makes me a better boyfriend."
Amy pulled away and sighed. And here she thought they had been making progress.
"I doesn't make you a better anything. Especially if you don't mean them. I don't want you to say things just to make me happy. I want you to say it because you feel it."
"I do mean all of the things I said. I find you attractive in every single way. But why is in necessary to keep restating it?" He could see she was getting frustrated, so he tried harder to make her understand.
"Do you love me, Amy?"
"I thought we weren't doing that. Remember? It's a given."
"Okay, fair enough. Do you find me attractive?"
She snorted and tilted her head before answering. "You know I do. I think you are the most beautiful man I have ever seen."
"More so than Zach?"
She snorted again. "Where did that come from?"
"What, you're the only one who can be insecure?" He smiled like he was joking, but the smile never reached his eyes. Instead he watched her cautiously and bit his bottom lip.
Amy took pity on him. "Way better! You are the finest champagne and Zach is sour milk. Stupid sour milk," she added, knowing Sheldon's intellect was the feature he was most proud of. "And I guess there's a 'silly' boy behind that big brain, too." She tapped the side of his head to emphasize her point.
"Let's move on," he said briskly. "While I will admit that it pleases me to know that you don't find my appearance unappealing, the point I was trying to make is that you don't tell me that stuff all the time either. You spend far more time praising Penny than you do me."
"Are we back to Penny?"
"No, we're not. I don't care about Penny. This is about us. And, once again, the point is that I thought you didn't need repetitive confirmation because you don't give it."
"Because you mock me!" she exclaimed. "Anytime I say anything even remotely romantic or complimentary, you accuse me of being sex-crazed. How do you think that makes me feel?"
Sheldon nodded solemnly. "Fair enough. Once again I apologize for making you feel bad. But you are the one who changed, Amy. Not me."
"But YOU changed me, Sheldon." She looked down at her hands that were now twisting in her lap. "I guess I just wanted to think that I had changed you too. Clearly I was wrong."
Sheldon huffed. "Now hold on a minute. I never said you hadn't changed me. I think I've changed quite a lot, actually. I'm just not sure I like all the changes."
Amy winced at his words, wondering if he even realized how offensive they were.
"I'm sorry to hear you say that, Sheldon. Because I like the changes I've seen in both of us. I think with a little more work, we could have something really perfect." Her voice was sad with a trace of melancholy. "Do you even want that?"
Sheldon scooted closer to Amy and waited for her to look up at him. "You know I do. Why else would I be here?" he said softly.
She nodded, acknowledging his answer, but she didn't take any comfort in it. She was beginning to wonder if they would ever be able to work through their problems. He thought talking was enough, and she needed action. But any action that she had to demand would just end up being hollow and meaningless. So now what? She couldn't change what she wanted, and he couldn't will himself to give it. So where did that leave them?
"Sheldon, how many times have I told you I love you?" she asked suddenly.
Despite being confused by the shift in topics, he answered almost immediately. "Twenty-three, if we're counting what you never actually got around to saying on prom night. Fourteen of those have been in texts, four were accidental-"
"And how many times have you told me?" Amy interrupted.
Sheldon froze, finally getting the point of her question. He bit his lip and glanced away from her before meeting her gaze again. "Twice to you and once to Bernadette," he said. "But I did say it first." He stiffened his spine as he said the last part. Surely she could see the significance of the fact that he'd told her before she told him.
"Exactly." Amy looked at him through unshed tears. "I know you said it first. In a moment of gratitude that you wouldn't have to touch me."
"Now wait just a minute-" Sheldon interrupted, but Amy held up her hand so he would let her finish.
"I'm not saying you didn't mean it then, Sheldon. I'm questioning why it hasn't occurred to you since. If you never say it, I can only believe it's because you never feel it." She touched his cheek briefly as she stood. "And that's how we ended up right here. Maybe I love you too much, or maybe not enough. I just know I can't do this anymore."
The finality in her voice made Sheldon shiver. He watched as she walked over to the door and held it open, silently asking him to leave. He walked on wooden legs to stand in the hallway before turning back to her.
"You may not have known what you were getting into when you entered that coffee shop five years ago, Amy. But I'm certainly out of surprises now. I don't know why we have to keep treading the same ground. You know me better than anyone, and you know how hard I've tried. If everything about me is so difficult to cope with, I wonder how you could love me at all."
He took a step forward and ran his hand along Amy's cheek, briefly closing his eyes when she closed her own. "But I will tell you this. I DO love you, more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my life. I'm sorry that can't be enough."
Amy opened her eyes when she felt his lips lightly brush her cheek.
Refusing to say goodbye to the love of his life, Sheldon simply walked away.