"Ah, Earth. It's good to see it after all these years," Johnson said, eyeballing the planet. "I wonder if they still have diplomatic immunity?"

The Chief asked, "Why's that?"

"No reason." Johnson whistled nonchalantly and looked at the ceiling.

The Chief grinned behind his visor, but he couldn't shake the feeling that the Sergeant had done something very naughty.

"When I shipped out for Basic, the orbital defense grid was all theory and politics. Now look! The Cairo is just one of three hundred geosync platforms. That MAC gun can put a round clean through a Covenant capital ship. With coordinated fire from the Athens and the Malta, nothing's getting past this battle cluster in one piece. Ships have been arriving all morning. Nobody's saying much, but I'll bet something big's about to happen."

As they moved through a crowd of cheering Marines, small robotic cameras swooped in and buzzed the super soldier. The Chief tried not to swat at them and complained, "You told me there wouldn't be any cameras. You know I hate getting my picture taken."

"And you told me you were gonna wear something nice. So smile, while we still got something to smile about."

"Sorry. This helmet is staying on."

"Suit yourself," Johnson said, and he pulled his dress pants off, revealing his freshly-loofa'd one-eyed monster. "Hello, Earth! We all know what you really wanna see!"

The cameras focused on the officer's phallus and promptly exploded.

Johnson's erection wilted, and he quickly stuffed it back into his pants, which he forgot to belt. "I get it!" he said cheerfully as if nothing had happened. "I'm too pretty for the cameras."

"You know," said the Sangheili commander, staring at the Grunts who taunted him, "if they came to hear me beg, they will be disappointed."

"Are you sure?" laughed Tartarus as the commander was blasted with beams of orange light.

"Nnnnng...ow."

Admiral Sir Terrence Hood greeted the two soldiers. The Master Chief and Johnson raised salutes, and the latter's pants fell down. Lord Hood glanced squeamishly at the black man's exposed crotch and cleared his throat. "Ahem. AHEM!"

The Sergeant finally understood the frantic motions of the Admiral's eyes and pulled up his pants and fastened the belt. "Excuse me, sir."

Lord Hood hiccuped, "Thank you. Gentlemen, we're lucky to have you bac—" Another officer whispered in his ear. "Go ahead, Cortana."

The Master Chief grinned from ear to ear as the lovely AI appeared from a holographic projector behind them. "Another whisper, sir," she informed the Admiral. "Near Io. Probes are en route."

Lord Hood cursed under his breath. "Sorry. We'll have to make this quick."

Cortana turned to the Master Chief and smiled. "You look good."

"Thanks," said the Chief and Johnson in unison.

"She said it to me," Johnson whispered.

"No, me," said the Chief, elbowing Johnson gently.

"No, me." The Sergeant elbowed him back.

"ME!" growled the Chief in a demonic tone, and he flicked Johnson's nose. After a few seconds, the loudmouthed officer toppled like a felled tree.

"Timber!" chirped the Chief in his normal voice.

The Sangheili commander, stripped of his armor, trembled in terror as Tartarus approached him with arms outstretched and a horrible, toothy grin on his simian-porcine face. "No. No! NO!"

The Brute chieftain seized the alien's nipples. "Twister," he growled as he twisted the brown-skinned Sangheili's nipples seven times over, relishing the extraterrestrial equivalents of falsetto screams.

A young woman in Naval uniform snapped to attention.

Lord Hood held out a medal. "Commander Miranda Keyes," he said, "your father's actions were in keeping with the highest traditions of military service. His bravery in the face of impossible odds reflects great credit, upon himself and the UNSC. The Navy has lost one of its best."

"Hard to believe," said Cortana sarcastically.

Miranda Keyes took the medal solemnly and murmured, "Sir."

Klaxons went off instantly. The Master Chief yelped and jerked his head from side to side, looking for the threat.

Cortana sighed and reported, "Slipspace ruptures, right by the battle cluster."

Lord Hood inspected the trajectories of the fifteen incoming Covenant vessels. "The fleet that destroyed Reach was fifty times this size. Why in—"

A voice spoke on the COM. "This is Fleet Admiral Harper. We are engaging."

"Negative, Admiral. Form a defensive perimeter around the cluster." Hood looked at Miranda. "Commander, get to your ship. Link up with the fleet."

"Yessir." She paused and asked, "Which way is the airlock again?"

The Admiral pointed a finger.

"Right." She followed his directions and ran right into a wall. "Was that here this whole time?"

Cortana cried, "Boarding craft!"

Hood ordered, "Shouldn't you be firing the MAC cannon?"

"I am, screw you, sir!" replied the AI, hands on hips, glaring indignantly.

The Admiral's mouth fell open. "Screw yourself!" he shot back. "'Smart' AI, my fat, saggy ass."

"Might I!" Cortana shrieked, pretending to make love to herself.

Commander Keyes said, "Then what's taking so long?"

"Why are you still here? You're just as tactically retarded as your old man!"

Miranda smiled and said, "Thank you. I love being compared to my dad."

Cortana said, as sarcastically as she could muster, "Great. Another genius in the family."

"'Scuse me." The SPARTAN held up his hands. "Um...I need a weapon."

"What?"

"I NEED. A WEAPON. SOMEBODY TELL ME WHERE THE ARMORY IS!"

Johnson yelled, "Downstairs! Hurry, I'm gettin' a hard-on!"

The Master Chief crashed into the weapons locker, having slipped on the wet floor. He jumped to his feet, picked up a Battle Rifle and two SMGs. "Cool! New guns!"

"Wait for me!"

The Chief gasped in surprise as the cartridge containing Cortana actually propelled itself down the steps to rest at his feet. "Me. Inside your head. Now," she stated as he planted the chip in his helmet.

As the supercommando, Johnson and two Marines hustled down a corridor, the loudspeakers squawked. "Boarders in Habitat Alpha! I need a squad in Habitat Alpha, ASAP!" A charged plasma bolt sailed past the Chief's head and put a period to that sentence. "Crap!" the SPARTAN yelled, diving for cover. Minor Grunts and a blue-armored Elite opened fire on the human counterboarders. The Chief fired both SMGs at once, and small-caliber rounds punched through the aliens' armor. The firearms tilted upward and a Marine yelled, "Chief, watch the recoil!"

"Recoil, huh?"

The Elite roared and splashed the Master Chief's shields with plasma fire. The HUD read, Shields are Down, Take Cover! He complied and ducked behind a potted plant. Three seconds passed before a new message appeared: Shields Recharging!

Our scatterbrained hero shouted, "HUZZAH!" and switched to his Battle Rifle. He zoomed in and fired at the alien's head. The Elite was obviously pissed, but the 9.5mm bullets were too much for it. Its shields failed and it staggered under the relentless fire. Four bursts later, it lay on the ground in a dead heap, purple blood oozing from the holes in its body.

The COM crackled, "Shit! Jetpack squidheads in Recreation Platform R-01!"

The Master Chief knew these Elites were exceptionally dangerous, but his trip to intercept them was cut short by an even stranger sight. His eyes focused out a window and saw the Covenant retreating from the Malta. His jaw dropped within his helmet. "Great Arnold Schwarzneggar's wrinkled biceps!"

An excited voice spoke over the COM, "I don't believe it! They're retreating! We won!"

"Wait a mi—" the swabbie started, but at that moment, the other station blew apart. The Chief stared in horrified disbelief and muttered, "This is bad."

"Uh-oh!" said a Marine. "Look, they're leaving the Athens, too..."

The Chief glanced and saw the soldier was correct. Moments later, the Athens also exploded into a fiery ball.

Admiral Hood shouted, "CORTANA! GIMME AN ASSESSMENT!"

"Oh my God, you prick, it's so damn obvious!" Cortana deadpanned. "The Athens exploded from the inside, as did the Malta."

Miranda Keyes exclaimed, "I didn't know it was the Fourth of July."

"It's not! The Covenant brought something with them...a bomb!"

Lord Hood threw up over the COM, and the Master Chief heard every second of it. "Then they sure as hell brought one here. Chief?"

"Yep?"

"Find it."

"The bomb?"

"YES, THE BOMB! FIND THE BOMB BEFORE WE ALL GO KA-FREAKING-BOOM!"

"AAAHH!" cried the Chief as he ran off into the MAC storage room.

Master Sergeant Gunns cried, "Get outta my armory, split-lip!" Three shotgun reports boomed, followed by the same number of plasma shots. The man collapsed, his groin burned away.

The Chief picked up the shotgun and attacked the Elite as it stalked off, laughing. "You double-dribbling, undercooked piece of fried calamari! I'll annihilate you!"

"Big word, Chief," Cortana said.

"Thanks," the petty officer replied as he kicked the eight-foot alien trooper where its balls would've been, and cackled evilly as it pitched into a pool of its own blood with a resounding howl. However, as the Elite died, it blasted at him, melting the barrel of his shotgun. "CRAP!"

Spotting a magnum, the Chief dropped the useless weapon and grabbed the smaller gun and the plasma rifle. He moved upstairs to Commons B-01 and boarded the tram to the portside shipping. It was there that he encountered something he'd never seen before.

What looked like a huge, humanoid housefly buzzed around a corner and began taking potshots with its needler.

"A FLY!" screamed the Chief over the radio at the top of his lungs. "THERE'S A FLY IN THE STATION! OH, NO!" He whacked the rifle in his right hand into the creature's head, sending it slamming into the wall.

"Chief!" Cortana warned, "That's a Drone, a new member of the Covenant! Kill it!"

The SPARTAN tried to bring the alien down with a plasma grenade, but it was too agile. A cowering Marine nervously and blindly filled the air with lead. The Master Chief said, "Gimme those!" He yanked the SMGs from the poor man's hands and gave him the plasma rifle and magnum.

"Sure, take 'em! You're gonna need 'em!" the man said, and with that, he turned and fled, screaming "Mommy!"

Sergeant Johnson fended off another bugger, swinging at it with his belt as it sat on his chest and beat him up. "FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY, GET THIS GODDAMN THING OFF OF ME!" His pants dropped again. One look, and the Drone, too grossed out to notice the Master Chief coming at it from behind, about-faced and vomited. The Chief screamed as the corrosive paste sizzled on his armor. Blue plasma fire knocked one SMG from his grip. Two Elite Rangers moved in, followed by...

"Oh, not these guys again!" An Elite Zealot, clad in gold armor and toting an energy sword, pointed at him and yelled, "Demon!"

The Sergeant stepped in the way. "Not so fast, Mister Angry!" The alien roared and slashed his belt in two. "Hey! That's Corinthian leather!" he protested as his pants fell down, exposing his erection. The alien looked at his member, then looked at the Sarge with lust in its eyes.

"Uh, Chief? HEEEEEEELLLLLLP!" cried Johnson in terror as the Zealot attempted to mount him.

The Master Chief was busy fighting off a Ranger with his bare hands. "I'm comin'!" He turned and headbutted the alien.

"No! NO! WAIT! IF YOU'RE GONNA DO IT, AT LEAST PUT ON SOME LUBE FIRST!"

The Elite paused, considered, shrugged and said, "Nah," and with a final groan of lust, it dive-bombed its member straight at Johnson's butt—not that it mattered if the man's pants were still on; the massive organ would still break through.

"NOOOO!" Johnson hollered effeminately. Suddenly the Elite stopped and realized something.

The Master Chief looked to his right and couldn't believe that the Zealot had been horny enough to drop its weapon. "OH, BOY!" He grasped the energy sword as an intense feeling of power filled him. He swung the blade and made lightsaber sounds. "Look at me! I'm Opie Scooby-Dooby Wand!" The energy sword parted the Elite's head from its neck like a square of butter.

"Sir," said the Chief, "permission to leave the station."

"What for?" asked Lord Hood.

"To give the 'Covie-nant' their boom box—I mean, bomb back."

"Permission granted."

The Master Chief dragged the huge spiny explosive into an elevator.

"Wow," said Cortana as the elevator descended, "this is easy, if crazy."

The Chief grunted, "Maybe for you. This thing is heavy for me!"

"Unfortunately for us both, I like crazy."

The Master Chief stepped out into a hangar and reached for the bay door control. If his insane scheme worked, the Covenant would get a very big and unpleasant surprise quite shortly.

"Just one question. What," asked the AI, "if you miss?"

"To be negative, we'll enter the atmosphere and burn horribly and painfully to death. To be positive...I won't." The SPARTAN pulled a lever and yodeled, "CANNONBAAAAAAALL!" as he was yanked into the void, bomb and all, hurtling toward Earth in a course that would turn him into a human fireball over North Africa if he screwed up, an inaudible cry of "WHEEEEEEE!" blasting from his ensanguined kisser.

A Covenant assault ship let a pulse laser blast fly, narrowly missing the Chief and instead gutting a Marathon-class cruiser. Two Longsword fighters rocketed past him and hit the alien vessel with every pound of ordnance they carried. A fiery hole blossomed in the side of it and the Master Chief closed with his target—the exposed fusion core. His insane, exhilarated ululation was cut painfully short as he struck the lower lip of the opening at the knees and collided with the gigantic power source.

"Ow," the Master Chief groaned, looking for the bomb. It lay to the right, nestled right in the core—and already activated.

The Chief screamed, "CRAP!" and frantically pushed off, away from the assault carrier. In ten seconds, the explosive blew up, catching the terrified supercommando in its shockwaves and tossing him smack against the hull of the In Amber Clad.

Sergeant Johnson gasped. "For a brick, he flew pretty good."

"I'll say," agreed Miranda. "Okay, Chief, hop in. Earth awaits."

The Master Chief barely got inside before the ship entered the atmosphere and dumped him on his armored rear.