3 years ago, September 2012
To say Lexa hugely disliked morning classes would've been a huge understatement, and if it weren't for coffee it would have been a bitch to get through. As much as she had a fondness for philosophy and literature in general, getting up at seven in the morning to make an eight o'clock class was plain brutal.
It was the first day of the semester starting grade ten and even though Lexa basically mastered the art of look of never looking unnerved, she felt her shoulders tense and her heartbeat pick up as she walked through the back doors. Lexa wasn't an anxious person; she refused to let herself believe that walking by groups of over-excited teenagers affected her in the slightest, even if her hands did start to tremble slightly in her jacket pockets.
You are not weak.
Keeping her head down, earphones playing a soft rhythmic tune that reverberated in her ears, Lexa immersed herself in the music and continued her brisk walk upstairs to her homeroom class.
Just walking through the masses of people standing around aimlessly in the hall was time-consuming; Lexa suppressed her annoyance every time she felt a shoulder or a backpack bump into her carelessly. Mindless chatter of summer vacation stories were heard over the music in her ears, and it made Lexa feel a pang of disappointment at what her own summer consisted of.
Her parents had told her the month before she finished grade nine that the three of them would be taking a month long vacation throughout Europe. The thought of leaving Boston for even just a month got her pulse racing, she wanted nothing more than to get away for just a little while, even if that meant being stuck with her parents.
Lexa already had contemplated building her life by herself somewhere in the UK, she wasn't sure where exactly, but she was still young and had plenty of time to think about it. Anything was better than the present and she longed to pack up everything and start afresh where no one knew her name.
A week before their departure out of the country, her parents told her in the middle of their usual silent dinner that they had to go without her. They told her that the trip was going to be very costly, and there were enough expenses for the both of them to cover without Lexa coming.
Lexa laughed bitterly especially at that part, her father was a chairman for a global marketing company who made more money than she could in her entire lifetime. He was barely at home, and when he was, she felt like a dead weight whenever she was around him. It made her think twice about whether she even considered him a father, and Lexa couldn't stop the growing hatred she had for the man.
For the remainder of her summer, she had been left alone in her three thousand square foot home with nothing but her own hollow and empty thoughts. She tried getting a summer job but since she was still only fifteen with no experience behind her, it came to little surprise that no one got back to her.
Do not rely on anybody except yourself, Lexa reminded herself.
It had been a few minutes after the morning bell had rung, the first day's announcements being read by overly joyous voices. Lexa couldn't figure out how people her age were so exuberant about life, it was hard to find anything that excited her anymore. She's so young and yet Lexa already feels like life is a pretty big fucking joke.
The upstairs hallway looked empty, most students filling up the classes, while a few stragglers hung around the lockers. Feeling slightly less agitated by the lack of people around; she let herself move her eyes upwards. With her hands still dug deep in her black leather jacket, she closed her eyes and inhaled through her nose before exhaling.
Lexa didn't care much for attendance, she wasn't uptight about her punctuality, but she rarely skipped. Plus it made slipping in the back of the classroom a lot easier, and Lexa preferred being away from the front.
She pulled out a folded up piece of paper from her pocket and saw Rm. 214 typed out in the timetable under her first period class. Lexa was mildly excited to be in a philosophy class, and hoped Mr. Miller wouldn't totally ruin it. Her fondness for literature helped in deciding to take the course, but she probably wouldn't admit it.
Walking in front of the door reading 214 beside it, Lexa forced down the lump in her throat, pushing the handle down and twisting it. There was a tanned middle aged man with a shaved head standing in front of a group of students sitting at the desks, his voice a little more cheery rather than the usual monotonous tone she was used to.
Lexa clicked the door shut quietly behind her, trying to keep her late arrival as less noticeable as possible. There was an empty desk in the back right corner of the room, and she tried to silence her footsteps as she walked towards it.
"Alright guys, so it looks like everyone who's in this class is more or less here, so when I call your name… Well you know what to do." The tall man with an olive skin complexion moved from the front and walked towards his desk at the front. He shuffled through sheets of papers before beginning to read out names and scrawling on a folder.
It wasn't hard for Lexa to tune out the mindless whispering coming from all around her, but listening to music definitely made it easier. She kept her hands folded in her lap, trying to glare back at the curious faces scanning the room, but instead found herself avoiding eye contact altogether.
The last names were nearing Lexa's and her heartbeat started to increase, and she felt herself getting uncomfortably warm. She hated this, feeling like she's losing all control of her physiological state in ordinary circumstances, it made no sense to her.
Stop being so weak.
"Lexa Grey?" The same gruff voice called out.
Her response was a bit delayed, she was having trouble with her thoughts but when Lexa heard her name again a little louder she answered.
"Lexa?" He had repeated once more.
The dark haired girl pushed her shoulders back slightly and raised her hand just above her head, clearing her throat, "Here."
It was hard not to recoil slightly in her chair when she saw unfamiliar faces turn themselves around to look for the voice just spoke out. Lexa curled her fists until her knuckles went white as she heard quiet laughter when they turned back around.
This wasn't anything new to Lexa; she didn't exactly fit in with the rest of the crowd that she grew up around. It hurt to know that people were going to be cruel to her most of her life, but that's mostly the reason why she refuses to let anyone get close enough, it only screwed her over. She had gotten accustomed to being by herself, and Lexa was perfectly content with the comfortable solitude it brought.
But in all honesty, she was wondering how much longer she would have to keep herself isolated. As much as she enjoyed being alone, the loneliness forced her to become an emotionless and callous shell of a person. She couldn't remember a time where she wasn't so stoically safeguarded; it was just her personality at this point.
Lexa had been unconsciously picking the skin near her fingers, a nervous habit she constantly tries to convince herself isn't a problem. It came to a point where the skin around her nails bled and became tender and raw. Her parents always chastise her about it, but she just tries to hide her hands now and avoids the unwanted confrontation.
In her peripherals, Lexa had saw the girl at the table beside her lean into her space, reddish hair curtaining her face, "They just have nothing better to do, really."
She wasn't sure if the words were directed towards her but when Lexa blinked towards the voice she saw the girl offering a soft smile. The girl had a fair complexion with wavy shoulder length hair, a deep shade of auburn and hazel eyes. She saw kindness in her facial features and Lexa could see how warm her eyes looked, the tension in her muscles started to dissipate.
Why is she even speaking to me?
Lexa was used to being left alone, people would take one look at her and would be able to tell that she wasn't a friendly person. So when someone actually wants to have a conversation with her, Lexa's automatic response is to remain silent and disinterested, and that's why people have learned to keep their distance. Again, that's just how Lexa functioned; she had a reserved nature and kept to herself.
She thrives on isolation as a safeguard; as much as it looked poorly in other people's eyes, it brought her an irreplaceable sense of security.
Lexa figured that being the only child would mean that her parents would compensate for the loneliness of having no other siblings, and that made her spite them even more. More often than not did Lexa wish she were dead, she figured it would be less painful than having the only family in your life put you in a corner and forget about you.
She had seen how the girl shrank back into her seat, her eyes losing the shine they had when she first glanced over. Lexa usually didn't care about hurting other people's feelings but for the first time in a long time, she felt a twinge of guilt.
"People are cruel." Lexa had muttered, her eyes facing towards the front of the room.
The girl who had decidedly abandoned the conversation after being met with silence turned her head around, her lips twitching into a small smile.
"Hey, we're not all that bad." The girl said, she sat in a relaxed position with her legs outstretched, hands clasped in front of her on the desk.
Lexa felt her tight lips relax until the sides of her mouth turned upwards; she couldn't stop herself from sparing another glance. The girl with reddish-brown hair was facing the front, her profile in view of Lexa. Something about her radiated comfort and ease, a sweet smile never leaving her face.
Whatever Lexa was feeling was new to her, for once she wasn't regretting exchanging a few words with a stranger. The restlessness she had walked into the classroom with was forgotten, she couldn't feel a weight being pressed down on her, and for that she was grateful.
The sound of an increasingly impatient group of students became apparent, as the chatter became louder Mr. Miller's voice began to get drowned out. Lexa stopped paying attention to the attendance being taken and took shy glances to the girl beside her whenever she could.
Growing annoyed himself, the teacher insured he was being listened to and spoke louder this time, "Kostia Summers?"
Lexa tried to focus on the figure speaking when her gaze shifted again, this time she saw the girl lifting up her hand with a little too much enthusiasm, "Here!"
What caught Lexa's attention more was the way Kostia began to look at her when she thought the brunette wasn't looking. She tried to ignore the knots in her stomach when she saw the redhead push her hair behind her ears and glance over with a newfound pinkness in her cheeks.
"That's a lovely name," Lexa paused and looked at her with a smile before saying, "Kostia." It sounded more like she was trying not to forget it, rather than a polite comment.
"It sounds a lot better when you say it." She had a smirk on her face and looked at Lexa with a coy expression.
Is she flirting with me? No, that would be ridiculous.
Lexa felt her face heat up and she avoided the girl's stare, focusing on the man who had gotten up from his desk. Lexa doesn't do nervous, she's cold hearted and apathetic or at least that's what people have been telling her most of her life. So why does it feel like one of the countless metaphorical walls she has built for herself is slowly collapsing around her?
"Learning all of your names is going to be a real treat, so please guys, make my life a little easier and stop talking." Mr. Miller spoke firmly and successfully got the classes attention.
Lexa broke out of the reverie she seemed to be in and trained her eyes to the front, ignoring the fluttery feeling in her abdomen.
"There is an assignment worth 35% of your final grade due at the end of the year, but you guys will have plenty of time to work on it till the deadline so don't freak out too much."
There were shouts of protest against the weight of the assignment, Lexa ignoring the pointless and whiney comments being thrown around by people in the room.
"I said don't freak out guys. Each of you will be paired up with someone so that the workload won't be too overwhelming. I wanted to get this part out of the way so that you guys know about it well in advance."
The idea of working with someone in this class full of people Lexa had zero interest in interacting with set her on edge. Well, there was Kostia but she only just met her so it's not like Lexa would be her first choice.
"Since some of you are new to the school or don't know each other, I thought it would be fair game to pick at random."
Lexa's shoulders tensed up and she felt the familiar feeling of dread creep into her. To say she hated group work, or working with anybody would be putting it mildly. She's been in too many situations where she ends up doing all of the work by herself only to be giving away her own credit to those who don't deserve it.
Mr. Miller had written everyone's name in the class on pieces of paper, and mixed them up in a fedora that somebody had given him to use. Instead of getting the entire room of students to go up one by one, he told them that he would pick the pairs himself.
He began pulling out names while looking the other way, announced the groups out loud and then wrote down each pair that got chosen.
She hated that something so trivial as choosing a partner for an assignment made her palms sweat, unaware of how her leg had been shaking anxiously.
"Lexa," At the sound of hearing her name, her breath hitched in her throat and she held her breath as he pulled out another name, "And Kostia."
What. The. Fuck.
Her eyes widened in disbelief at how slim the chances were of being paired with the one person she actually spoke to. The anxiety that was building inside Lexa started to diminish when she spared a glance towards Kostia.
She was immediately drawn to how the girl's eyes had lit up; Lexa didn't need to be any closer to her to see the effervescence in honey-gold irises. The sight of someone who looked so genuinely pleased to be around Lexa made it easy for her to return a sincere grin.
"This year just got a whole lot more interesting." Kostia murmured just loud enough for Lexa to hear, sending an inexplicable sensation down her spine.
So as it turns out, Lexa's life wasn't a total shit show, well it still was, but it was incredibly better than it had been before the school year started. Every part of her told her that it was fleeting because nothing good ever lasts when it comes to Lexa. She usually gave precedence to her instincts but Lexa seemed to be pulled into some sort of gravitational force, the cause being nothing more than a simple infatuation.
It had been five months since the two had first met in their first period class, and Lexa thinks she was just a hollow of a person until she met Kostia, void of any emotional attachment. But everything changed after they started spending quiet lunches together, enjoying being around each other in even the simplest of silences. That's what Lexa loved the most about her, she would be content just sitting near her even when she knew the brunette had nothing to say.
It had been two months since they had both shared their first kiss together, and Lexa wondered how it was possible for someone to have such addictive lips. Her heart raced whenever she thought about kissing Kostia and it reached a point where Lexa knew she was absolutely fucked.
They were at Lexa's house while her parents were away (which was nothing new), sitting in the basement with their eyes trained on their laptop screens. Kostia had her legs crossed and propped up on the couch, while Lexa sat on the floor with her back against it. If she was being honest, she thought that Kostia used their assignment as an excuse to come over and spend time with her and never once could Lexa find it in herself to refuse.
Sitting on the floor with her legs outstretched, Lexa pressed her lips together as she typed into her keyboard, eyes never losing focus. It was quiet enough that she could hear the other side of the couch where Kostia had been sitting, creak as the weight against it lifted itself off. Lexa had been too concentrated on the search results she pulled up that she didn't hear the other girl walk over beside her.
She didn't say anything to Lexa, just knelt down beside her with her hands in her lap as she waited to meet forest-green eyes. Lexa felt movement brush against the side of her arm and she turned her head to see Kostia's less than a foot away from hers.
Her golden eyes were staring back at her with an underlying look of uncertainty behind them, with her bottom lip caught between her teeth. Lexa had a bemused expression and softened her eyes at how concerned the girl appeared to be.
"Kostia, wha-"
Lexa was abruptly cut off when she felt a hand behind her neck pull her in closer, her lips were parted about to speak when she felt warm lips cover her own in a gentle kiss. She didn't know how badly she needed this until Kostia had her fingers in her hair, Lexa mirroring her action, bringing their bodies closer together. They still had their lips pressed together, but Lexa really needed to get some air in her lungs so that she could think straight.
The dark haired girl pulled away, moving her hands out of Kostia's hair and onto her lap. Trying to control her ragged breaths, she saw in the corner of her eye the way Kostia immediately moved away from Lexa with wide eyes.
"God, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry." Her voice was shaky and suddenly a lot more insecure than Lexa had ever heard it.
It didn't seem to occur to Lexa that she should have said something back; instead she stayed wordless in her spot, appearing to be in thought. Tension hung in the air between the two when neither one of them moved or said anything, their eyes suddenly a lot more concerned with their surroundings.
She smiles at the memory of how screwed she realized she was in that very moment. It should have felt like an awkward situation but that's what she liked the most about being around her, nothing felt forced or uncomfortable. Lexa recalled the intimate event in her mind when she remembered herself pick up the laptop off of her, getting up to crawl towards Kostia.
It was hard to forget the way her heart began to pound in her chest when she bent down and moved her legs so that her thighs were on either side of Kostia's. The look of unadulterated hopefulness that Lexa saw in those glowing hazel eyes brought her enough courage to bring both her hands to cup the sides of her face.
They ended up on the sofa tangled in each other's limbs, sharing tender caresses and affectionate pecks. It was the first night that Lexa fell asleep in someone's arms, and she swore to herself that it wouldn't be the last.
Lexa had never felt so sure about anything in her entire life until she met Kostia, then it was like everything began to align perfectly. If you asked Lexa what the fluttery feeling she felt in her stomach was, she would probably lie and say it was the nerves, definitely not butterflies or anything.
Kos: u coming over later tonight?
Me: of course, i just need to go home first and get some stuff
Kos: ok :) see you soon3
She wanted to type i love you, but Lexa wasn't sure she was ready to say that out loud just yet. For once in her life, she feels like she actually has a purpose to stick around, for Kostia. She loves her, and it absolutely fucking terrifies Lexa.
Pushing down the lump in her throat, Lexa dug in the back pocket of her jeans to get her keys. She pulled them out and shoved it into the keyhole, turning it once she heard the familiar click of the door.
It was quiet, but that was nothing new to Lexa, getting back to a vacant house was routine for her. The sound of the sink running in the kitchen caught her attention, there were voices being stifled by the water. Instead of a comfort she should have felt there was apprehension.
She preferred it when no one was at home; Lexa was accustomed to living on her own while her parents sent her money to insure she was taken care of. It was laughable, but at the same time, pitiful that her mother and father used money as their form of non-committal love. Her family was a joke.
Closing the door behind her, Lexa slipped her shoes off and tried to walk quietly towards the stairs when a figure crept around the corner.
"Lexa, don't you know it's impolite to ignore greeting your parents?" She hated how her mother's voice was laced with a sickeningly sweet tone.
"Maybe I would be doing it more often if you were actually in the house once in a while." Lexa couldn't stop herself from replying back with a bite in her voice.
"Well we're here now. We were thinking of going out for dinner, me and your father have missed you dear."
It was only fair to scoff at that, "I'm going to Kostia's. You can go without me, like you usually do." Lexa spat, starting to walk forward.
"You should be spending time with us rather than wasting time with that girl." A gruff voice came from behind her mother, and Lexa stiffened her shoulders and pursed her lips when he came into view.
"The only thing I'm doing right now is wasting my time," Her voice became louder, pent up anger rising from her throat, "talking to parents who could give two shits about their daughter."
"Don't you dare talk to us like that, we give you everything and yet you still complain?" His voice sounded threatening and usually Lexa would cower at yelling directed towards her but she maintained her defensive stance.
This was getting a lot more heated than Lexa anticipated and she honestly didn't want to waste her breath. Her hands balled into fists at her sides and she steadied her breathing, trying to control the rage building inside.
"What you do is leave for weeks, sometimes months and leave me alone in this place with nothing but a stack of cash, and you wonder why I can't stand to be around either of you?" She hissed and scoffed at how deluded they were.
Her mother tried to get a word in, usually being the one to try and smooth things over but Lexa just needed to leave.
"No, you know what? I'm just going to go." Lexa sighed impatiently and stuck her palm out to both of them, pausing before turning around towards the staircase.
There was no way Lexa wanted to stay here any longer than necessary, grabbing a bag and throwing in her overnight belongings. It was foolish of her to think her parents would ever change, she thought.
Having gotten everything she needed, Lexa closed her bedroom door behind her and made her way back downstairs.
She was a few feet away from the front door, when she saw her mother leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. Lexa walked until she was a few steps away from the door and stopped, keeping her eyes down.
"You can do better than her Lexa. You are too young to realize it, but she will break you." Lexa gritted her teeth, hiding a snarl, "And you know it too." She hated hearing the sincerity in her voice, the way it came out made Lexa's chest clench.
"I can't break if I'm already broken," It came out as a mumble but Lexa had a thoughtful look, "the difference is, she's fixing what you guys broke in the first place." With those words hanging in the air, Lexa walked to the door and opened it, slamming it on the way out.
It was about a twenty-minute walk to Kostia's place, Lexa's footsteps were hasty, the frustration brought on by her parents still weighing on her mind. She was too absentminded with her irritation that Lexa didn't notice her nails digging into her palms in her sweater pocket.
Coming into view of the row of townhouses on Kostia's street gave Lexa a nervous feeling in her stomach, no matter how hard she tried, it always came without fail. Pushing it down, Lexa smoothed down her curls slightly, set her jaw straight and pushed her shoulders back in a mechanical movement.
She was wearing one of her favorite hoodies with skinny jeans and a pair of slip-on Vans. If Lexa had to describe her current style, she would just say a lot of black and skate shoes, fashion wasn't on top on her list of priorities.
There weren't any cars parked on the driveway, Lexa becoming slightly relieved that she managed to avoid having to meet her parents yet again. The idea of meeting Kostia's parents who are apparently 'high class conservatives' made Lexa cringe whenever she thought about their daughter who was the polar opposite.
Walking up the stairs to the porch, she caught sight of the sign beside the door that read, "The Summers" in big block text with a border of a tacky countryside landscape. Lexa smirked at the decoration whenever she came by, remembering how Kostia went into detail about her strong distaste for it.
Avoiding all formalities, Lexa opened the front door and took a second to breathe in the smell of everything that reminded her of Kostia, her heartbeat starting to quicken. Discarding her shoes by the front, Lexa wasted no time before she climbed the stairs two at a time, towards the sound of music resonating from the top floor.
The door to her room was left ajar, and Lexa had to mentally prepare her nerves before she went any further. She had seen Kostia countless number of times, but every time still feels like the first and Lexa still gets that gross tingly feeling in the pit of her abdomen. Again, not butterflies or anything, Lexa doesn't do cheesy. She laughs through her nose at how wrong she knows she is, trying to keep her arrival unknown.
Finally gaining enough courage, Lexa pushed the door open and her eyes immediately found Kostia. She was lying with her stomach pressed on the bed, facing the headboard and leaning on her elbows with her phone in both hands. The music was fairly loud, enough to drown out the sound of Lexa dropping her bag to the floor and taking leisurely steps towards Kostia.
Lexa walked to the right side of the bed and grinned at how stealthy she felt, putting her weight on both of her arms to try and lean her head into the other girls. The brunette didn't notice the girl react, but when she craned her head around to kiss her, her lips were met with Kostia's cheek instead.
She tried to suppress the pang of hurt she felt when Kostia moved her head around to avoid her lips, but instead retracted herself off the bed to sit across from the girl on the end of the bed.
"Hey." Kostia said softly.
"Hi." Lexa replied meekly.
Kostia rolled onto her back to lean on her forearms facing Lexa, "You took a little while, did something come up?"
"My parents were home, giving me the usual shit when they get back." She always spoke in a monotone voice when talking about her parents, clenching her teeth at the memory.
Kostia just looked at her and mouthed an 'O' with her lips, moving her phone away to sit in an upright cross-legged position.
"We don't need to talk about it if you don't want to."
"I wasn't going to, plus it's not like you would understand." Lexa mocked.
"Don't be like that, you know you can talk to me about anything." A look of hurt flashed through Kostia's eyes and Lexa had to avert her gaze.
Lexa had been clamping her jaw, keeping her weary eyes downcast. She hated the way Kostia could unravel her with just a look, it made Lexa seethe to know someone had the power to make her feel so powerless.
When she returned her stare back to hazel eyes, she saw Kostia gesturing for her to lie beside her. Without a second thought, Lexa took a deep breath and exhaled, using all fours to crawl inside the space Kostia made for her.
She felt herself relax immediately into her side when Kostia brought her arm around to rest on Lexa's stomach. Lexa rested her head on Kostia's collarbone, closing her eyes and inhaling the sweet smell of vanilla on her skin. She started to gently caress the skin on Kostia's arm with her fingers, and hid a smile when she saw the tiny hairs start to stand on end like a chain reaction. Lexa could feel the steady heartbeat under her cheek speed up at the contact.
I make her nervous too. So I'm not just imagining this.
"What are we doing?" Lexa lifted her head slightly so that the words glided over Kostia's skin.
"Lying down?" She asked, starting to trace circles on the Lexa's back through her sweater absentmindedly, "Is this a trick question Lex?"
"No Kostia, I mean what are we doing?" Lexa's voice was quieter this time.
The stillness of the room amplified after Lexa spoke, she felt Kostia's hand that was tracing circles on her back stop and her breath hitch. Lexa regretted bringing this up but it was eating her on the inside to have such a vague relationship and not talk about it.
"I'm not gay," Was all Kostia said, and she resumed the movement against Lexa's back, "I can't be."
Hearing those words, Lexa swiftly moved out of Kostia's hold to look at the girl, who had now folded her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. What hurt Lexa the most, was the way it sounded more like Kostia was reassuring herself rather than stating it plainly.
Lexa sat at the end of the bed with her legs crossed, and had an incredulous look on her face, "So, what? Are we supposed to just pretend that there's nothing more to this?"
"There's nothing more to this, Lexa. I don't see why it's suddenly a big deal now." Kostia replied stiffly, pressing a button on a remote to silence the room.
"Does that mean you make out with all your friends then?" Lexa shot back.
Kostia's mouth opened and closed again, trying to speak out but not saying anything. After realizing she had nothing to retaliate with, she exhaled dejectedly.
"That's what I thought." Lexa sighed and felt her entire body sink in with a heaviness.
"I like you Lexa. I like you so much, and it scares me," Kostia's voice was so small and barely audible, it sounded like a different person entirely. "But I can't do it. I can't give you more because I'm not ready, I don't think I'll ever be." Lexa remained silent but attentive as she saw Kostia's eyes become glossy.
"You kissed me, remember?" The brunette offered quietly. She wanted so badly to just reach over and hold her, something ached inside of Lexa to take away the pain Kostia displayed on her face.
Kostia didn't say anything, just kept her eyes on her fingers as she fidgeted nervously in her place.
"My parents will disown me, they're all I have. You have to understand Lexa." She whispered.
Her eyes became hard and visibly darkened, a snarl escaping from her mouth," What is there to understand Kostia? I have no parents as far as I'm concerned, I have no one."
Kostia closed her eyes and dropped her head, pinching the bridge of her nose as she took slow breaths.
The tension in the air hung between them both, nothing being said while green and hazel eyes darted around, avoiding each other's gaze. Lexa thought she was angry, it was a strange and unfamiliar feeling she had in her chest. It didn't make her hands tremble, nor did she have any desire to scream from her lungs, no it wasn't rage. It physically felt like her chest was throbbing, Lexa had never felt heartbreak in her life until now.
"You're all I have." She breathed out. Lexa felt her pulse race when her voice cracked, her chest silently heaving at the verbal proclamation.
She got up from the bed and retreated to the corner of the room where her bag was, leaning on the wall and lifting her legs to her chest. Lexa wrapped her hands around them, copying Kostia's position and rested her face in between her knees.
"No you don't get to say that Lexa, you know I can't ever leave you. That's not fair." Kostia finally replied with a defensive tone.
Lexa lifted her head and laughed bitterly, with her gaze fixed ahead. She moved her eyes, holding a cold stare and met Kostia's.
"What isn't fair is how selfish you're being. You're making it sound like you're the only one who has to make sacrifices," Lexa pressed her lips together, her voice breaking, "Just because my life already sucks, doesn't mean it can't get any worse."
The sound of muffled crying came from the other side of the room, catching Lexa's attention. Kostia had her face in her hands and silently wept, her body caving inwards. Lexa's chest ached for her and she found herself walking towards the crumpled figure on the bed.
Crawling back on the bed, Lexa was the one to wrap herself around Kostia and let the girl cry into her hair. Her croaky voice repeated apologies into Lexa's skin, clutching onto the girls clothing, trying to be as close as possible. Lexa just stroked the girl's auburn hair under her fingers, rubbing soothing circles on Kostia's back.
"Nothing has to change Kostia. I need you more than you need me," She whispered gently and rested her cheek on top of Kostia's head, "I'll be fine with whatever you want, just… don't leave." It felt like she was pleading, like holding on to her would mean she stayed.
Kostia mumbled incoherently into Lexa's hair, her cries becoming softer, and her heaving chest slowed. They sat like that until Kostia fell asleep in Lexa's arms, her crying replaced with rhythmic breathing and a steady heartbeat.
Lexa lay awake while Kostia slept soundly, not realizing she had been stroking copper hair for so long that her arm became numb. There was something so serene about the stillness of the room, she leaned her head back so it was resting against the headboard and inhaled deeply.
"This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
Who blew me away, blew me away."
Lexa felt herself singing in the quietness and closed her eyes, enjoying the way how naturally the words came out.
"And it was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, buried them away."
Singing about someone she deeply cared for was something she had never done in her entire life, but it felt so right to Lexa. After hearing Kostia's take on the ambiguity of their relationship, it gave Lexa hope that she could finally move on but it didn't really feel physically possible.
"But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day."
The last note came out above a whisper, and Lexa opened her eyes and readjusted herself by putting space between them so that Kostia was lying on the pillow. Bringing herself in the same position, Lexa lay on her side with an arm underneath the pillow, Kostia's back toward her. She found herself watching the girl's shoulders steadily rise and fall, and brought her hand to carefully fiddle with the ends of her hair.
Being with her felt like breathing, it reminded Lexa that the constant feeling of her lungs constricting wasn't the only thing that mattered. She knew, deep down that whatever this was could only last so long before something went wrong.
It always does.
But she knew she had to make the most of the time she had with her, these intimate moments only confirmed how strong her feelings really are for Kostia. It wasn't exactly an ideal situation for Lexa to be in, but she already decided that she would have Kostia as nothing more than a friend rather than not at all.
It was a little weird but not totally out of character for Kostia to skip class, but Lexa convinced herself that she just wasn't up to it today, fair enough.
She was forty minutes into her third period class and knowing lunch was in half an hour made her impatiently shake her knee up and down.
It had been a little over a month since the thing at Kostia's place went down, and Lexa thought nothing more of it. They started to spend less time together, but for obvious reasons of course, and Lexa understood. Kostia was grateful for the distance Lexa gave her; she could see it in her eyes when the brunette would catch her gaze from across the room.
They would slip into the same comfortable silences during lunch, sparing shy glances when the other wasn't looking and sharing genuine bouts of laughter. Things were okay.
If Lexa had been looking a little longer at Kostia, Lexa would be able to see her smile drop and her shoulders protrude inwards after she looked away.
What Lexa missed the most though was the feeling of someone else in the same bed as her; she craved intimacy but had to adjust to the inevitable loneliness. If she was being honest, she felt the safest when she was under the covers with Kostia's arm snaked around her waist.
She remembered the text that Kostia sent her last night and began to panic. Lexa went to bed early and forgot to check her phone when she got up. Making sure the teacher wasn't looking towards her, Lexa pulled her phone out of her pocket and went straight to her messages.
Kos: lexa i think im going to do it
Kos: u there? i said i think im going to tell my parents tmrw
Kos: about you
Kos: and us
Lexa felt her pulse race and her breath get caught in the back of her throat. She didn't even see all of the messages until now and she didn't try to hide the smile that appeared on her face.
Kos: i think i love you lexa
The sound of other kids talking in the class started to fade away and the only thing Lexa could hear was her heartbeat ringing through her ears. She had to do a double take to make sure she was reading it correctly.
She loves me.
The last part is what distracted Lexa the most because Kostia said it out loud before she did, even though she felt the same way for a long time. The thought of Kostia skipping school today weighed on Lexa, she was going to tell her parents everything.
Lexa didn't have the chance to meet them before; their work schedules usually end up going well into the late hours of the night. From what Kostia told her though, things were most likely going to end badly, and Lexa needed to go see her.
Class just became her last concern on her list of priorities, and with that in mind, she tossed her notebook in her bag, picking it up and slid her chair back carelessly.
"Excuse me, where do you think you're going? We still have twenty minutes left Lexa."
The reality of walking straight out of class without any explanation didn't seem to register to Lexa in the moment, but she had somewhere to be. It's not like her parents would be made aware that she decided to get up and leave, she might as well be eighteen and make her own legal decisions.
She ignored the sounds of different voices calling to her as she made her way towards the back of the room. If you asked Lexa, it felt kind of liberating to stop overanalyzing for once and just do something without thinking about it too much. As she trudged through the empty hallways and finally out the back doors of the school, Lexa pulled her phone out and began to type.
Me: im sorry i didn't reply
Me: did u do it kos?
Me: im coming right now, i just walked out of class
Me: shit that felt good
Me: ill be right over
Me: and i love you too, so much
Lexa couldn't get the image of a smiling Kostia out of her mind, this was everything she wanted and it was hard to believe that for once, things were working out. She wishes she could have gone back in time and taken back everything she said in anger if she knew that everything would be all right.
But the past was in the past, and Lexa could only focus on now and just getting to Kostia. Her body tensed in the best possible way when she thought about finally getting to reconnect with somebody and it only made her heart rate accelerate.
The physical part of their relationship stopped after their talk, both of them agreeing that it would only complicate things further. It made sense with all things considered. Lexa didn't know how she was getting by, but the only thing that fuelled her right now was the fact that she could kiss Kostia now without holding anything back.
With that thought fresh in her mind, Lexa's brisk walk turned into a light jog as she neared the corner of her street. She caught sight of the familiar townhome and ignored her bag slamming against her back as she sprinted towards it.
Reaching the front porch, Lexa assumed that the door would be open and pressed the handle down. It didn't budge and she stood confused for a second with narrowed eyes. It was usually left open when Kostia was at home but she wasn't about to waste more time and question as to why it was locked.
Remembering where she left a spare key, Lexa stepped off the doormat and bent down to lift it up the corner. A small silver key had been placed underneath in the middle but she stopped her movements. There was a neatly folded piece of paper lying directly beside the key, and Lexa furrowed her brow, staring at it with a puzzled look.
Lexa picked up the folded paper and the key, dropping the mat back down. She slipped the key into her pocket and examined the paper. She was genuinely confused, not expecting to be so caught off guard as she was. As she unfolded it, Lexa took note of the handwritten text covering the entire page.
Lexa held her breath and felt a shiver jolt through her body as she began reading the jarringly familiar handwriting.
Lexa,
I figured you'd be the first one to show up; you've always been like that.
Isn't it strange? We've only known each other for like 6 months yet it felt like so much more than that, you added a depth and colour to my life that I didn't even know existed. Thank you for being a light in my life, even though you'll never believe me.
You weren't supposed to happen Lexa, things weren't supposed to go like this. Grade 10 wasn't meant to be the year I lost my mind, not this early at least. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, I never asked for any of this. But I was selfish and kept you close to me even though I knew how toxic you were to me, and it only made things harder.
You're toxic Lexa, and whenever I'm around you it feels like I'm suffocating. Somehow everything I own smells of you and it's a constant reminder of how much I want you, but I'll never have you.
I'm sorry for being a coward Lexa. I'm sorry I couldn't just be brave and tell my parents. Why couldn't things be different? I couldn't even tell my parents that I love a girl because I'm too scared of what would happen; I'm such a coward.
I tried so hard to stay away from you, I really did. But in doing that, I just realized that if I can't have you then it's not worth tearing myself apart watching you try and keep your distance. God, Lexa Grey you were the best thing that ever happened to me and also the worst fucking thing.
It's not worth waking up if it isn't with you. I love you, I'm sorry.
Yours (always),
Kostia
Dropping the loose sheet of paper, Lexa haphazardly picked up the doormat and grabbed the key, her mind running on pure instinct.
This is just a sick joke. What the fuck?
She fumbled with the key in her pocket and dropped it, cursing under her breath as she tried to control her trembling fingers.
"Fuck. Okay."
Picking it up, Lexa jammed it inside the keyhole with a fervor she hadn't ever experienced. The lock inside clicked opened and Lexa threw her bag from over her shoulder onto the ground and felt her head spinning as she ran to the stairs.
Her vision became blurry with unshed tears and Lexa felt a painful pressure on her torso, it felt like her heart was about to fall out of her chest.
"Kostia! Where the fuck are you?" She didn't try to keep her voice down and screamed, eventually hearing the echo of her own voice bounce off the walls.
Wasting no time, Lexa climbed the stairs two at a time and tripped halfway up, ignoring the sharp pain she felt from hitting her knee on the hardwood. She grabbed the handrail and pulled herself up, resuming her pace.
When she got up onto the second floor, breathing heavily, Lexa saw the door to Kostia's room closed shut and she ran.
Pulling the door handle with an unanticipated force, she stood at the doorframe and felt her knees buckle from underneath of her, a sob escaping from her lips. She covered her mouth with her quivering hands, tears beginning to fall freely and Lexa started to weep uncontrollably.
In the middle of the room where the ceiling fan was, Lexa saw Kostia's limp body dangling underneath the fixture. A long cord of wire had been tied around her neck, her body swaying slightly in a circular motion.
Lexa wailed and couldn't stop herself from clutching at her face, she screamed painfully into the stillness of the room. She felt the air around her dissipate through her lungs and she began to hyperventilate as she felt herself start to suffocate.
With tear stained cheeks, Lexa picked up her crumpled body from the floor and sobbed while she walked towards Kostia hanging motionless. She continued to bawl when she came closer to see Kostia's lifeless eyes open slightly, the hollow look making Lexa's heart constrict excruciatingly. The blood vessels in her eyes had burst and all that was visible was her hazel coloured iris bordered by crimson.
"Why couldn't you just stay strong for me?" Lexa choked through her sobs, her knees were weak but she managed to keep herself steady as she tried to untangle the wire from the ceiling fixture, "You didn't even try."
Her fingers trembled around the cord around Kostia's neck, struggling to pull it off as gently as possible with her shaking hands. Lexa managed to loosen the noose as she grabbed Kostia's waist, lifting her head out and keeping her body close to hers. The weight of Kostia made Lexa struggle to keep herself upright, and she felt her knees buckling again, making sure to gently lay Kostia on the ground.
What did I do to deserve this?
Lexa couldn't stop crying, her entire body felt shattered and it was hard to get steady breaths in while she wept. She had Kostia's head in her lap, and she moved her fingers over her eyelids so that they were shut. Her tears started to fall on the redhead's unnaturally pale face and Lexa rubbed her thumb over the droplets.
"Fuck you for giving up, you ended everything before it even began." Lexa rasped.
She started stroking Kostia's hair tenderly while rocking herself back and forth. Her voice was quaking and her head throbbed as her silent cries echoed in the empty bedroom. Lexa's voice was shaky as she started to quietly sing through her tears, her hand continuing the soothing motion against Kostia's hair.
"Hello, hello
Anybody out there? Cause I don't hear a sound."
Lexa moved so that her forehead was leaning on Kostia's and shut her eyes as her chest struggled for breath in between her gasps for air. She couldn't focus on anything but her ragged breathing and irregular heartbeat, her entire body just felt numb. It felt like the heaviness in her chest would never pass, and Lexa felt so emotionally and physically drained that she couldn't bring herself to move.
"Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright
But it's never enough."
Her voice was barely above a whisper, her lips grazing the top of Kostia's forehead as she murmured familiar lyrics. The sheer exhaustion from her body wracked from sobs left a vacant feeling in her torso, the hollowness in her chest made it hard for her to breathe properly.
"Cause my echo, is the only voice coming back
Shadow, is the only friend that I have."
With tears still rolling down her face, she squeezed her eyes and before pressing a delicate kiss to the skin beneath her lips. Lexa winced at the coldness of her skin and felt her throat's airway closing up.
She felt weary from the sobbing, her entire being was left feeling cold and detached from herself. It was like Lexa was looking down on herself from above, dissociating from the pain of seeing her first love lying lifeless in her arms.
It should have been me. I'm nothing.
Lexa was broken and she knew there was nothing that could fix the unbearable pain that replaced Kostia's memory. Something inside of Lexa died with her and it felt like she had been thrown headfirst into a bottomless pit of desolation.
Kostia was everything and now she's gone. For the first time in Lexa's life she was genuinely happy with where she was and it only took five minutes for her entire world to crumble right in front of her.
Maybe her father was right.
"Love is weakness, Lexa."
Maybe she should have believed him. Lexa should've known better because in the end, nothing good ever lasts when it comes to her.