Nightmares / Fem!Lithuania and Poland / Maybe a bit of Fem!Lithuania and Russia if you squint really hard.
Warning: Russia and Belarus' 'dark sides' are a little OOC in this, but it had to be done.
It had been long since the last time she felt this panicked.
She tried so hard to breath. In. Out. Just like Estonia had taught her.
It was futile.
Her chest was closing in on her, like the walls in that house.
She still had nightmares about that house.
In. Out.
It's not real Tiesa. You don't have to go back to that place. She thought, it's all over.
She stuffed her fist in her mouth, careful not to wake the sleeping man next to her, all of it being too hard to explain.
How could she begin to describe what she felt, she wouldn't be wimpy and cry like she had in the past. She would be strong and she would prove to them that the country of Lithuania didn't need the USSR to be stable.
She was happier now than she had ever been, being in her first proper and healthy relationship in centuries. She was safe.
Then why did she have to feel like this?
Why did her throat have to contract and why did the air need to be sucked out of her lungs every time that she thought of that place?
She would rather die than let Feliks find out that she had PTSD from her time under Soviet control.
So she forced her body to stop convulsing and spasming and made herself lie down, her fist still firmly stuffed in her mouth, too afraid to breathe in the case that she would let out an unforgiving gasp of panic.
She shivered as she laid her head on a salty pillow and forced her eyes to close, blinking out any other traces of wetness that they may have contained.
You're pathetic, Tiesa.
He placed the eggs on the table, a glint of pride evident in his eyes.
She loaded the fork and placed it in her mouth, letting out a moan of satisfaction, giggling slightly as Feliks let out a sigh of relief.
"Oh thank god!" He exclaimed, "You like it!"
She smiled at him, "Of course I do, what kind of psychopath turns down a home cooked breakfast?"
She cringed at reflex. Master Russia wouldn't accept anything I cooked for him unless it was cooked to perfection.
Her breath caught in her throat, stop thinking about him, Tiesa, it's been three years since it all ended, it's over, at least be happy about that.
Feliks didn't seem to notice, he was now dancing around the room in happiness.
She wanted to laugh at his mild childishness as she looked on with a kind of bittersweet smile, she didn't quite feel in that happy mood that she had reveled in just a few moments prior.
She hated herself for doing this to herself, for putting herself through such constant anxiety, but what was she to do. She could not control her emotions.
Suddenly, Poland's happy dance halted and he almost jumped onto the chair opposite her on the table, watching her intently as she ate her eggs.
Honestly, she thought, he's like a five-year-old.
That brought back a bit of her smile.
They were having a picnic, and as horribly cliché as it sounded, Tiesa was having the time of her life.
She was lying under the tree, Feliks entangling tiny little flowers into her dark braid and she smiling up at him.
She needed this, those tiny moments with him where she didn't need to be reminded of anything or anyone, just them.
"Honestly!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the direction of the sky, "How can you be better at all of the 'girly stuff' than me?"
He sniggered and went back to entangling more flowers until her braid looked like a parade was commencing inside of it.
"I think in a past life, I was the hairdresser to some kind of, like, important empress." He said.
Lithuania could help it anymore, she burst out laughing.
"My god! We've been in a relationship for 2 years and yet every morning I wake up next to you and still can't believe that you're not gay!" She laughed, her chest clenching for an entirely different kind of reason this time. A lighter reason. Laughter.
"Honey, I'm bisexual at least, does that do it for you?"
"I don't care what you are or what genders you're attracted to, as long as you always promise to love me." She said, honestly, without barriers.
A comfortable 30-second silence washed over them as they both stared at the rays of light shining through the trees.
"I'll always love you." He stated, making it seem like the simplest thing in the world, and even though he had told her multiple times before that he loved her, this time really hit her.
She rolled over so that she was facing him and slung her arms around his midsection, clutching tightly onto it, forcing him into a close hug.
She smiled into his t-shirt, not remembering the last time she had felt so light and carefree, she would savour this moment when the nights got hard again.
"Good," She said. "You better keep that promise, pinky swear on it."
"I pinky swear."
"Lithuania!" She heard him shout, bolting her upright, the shrill sound so piercing that she felt as though it could have snapped her spine in half.
"Y-Yes?" She replied, scurrying into the dining room where he sat with his sisters.
"Take Belarus to the shops to buy her a new dress, she needs it for the ball tonight." Russia said, his smile making her feel uncomfortable.
"Yes, sir!" She said, bowing sharply and walking towards Belarus, who was standing in the corner with a scowl painted across her visage.
Russia made her uneasy; he was a handsome man, no denying that, but his childlike psychopathy made her feel as though he was going to snap at any second without an inkling of warning.
She always hated it when that happened, he would always put the blame on her.
She was his favourite after all, meaning that he oddly enjoyed hurting her.
His sick ways of showing affection made her shudder.
"Follow me, Miss Belarus." She said, after reaching the pale woman.
Belarus' scowl deepened, "I know my way out of my own house. I'm not an imbecile"
She turned around, her silver hair dangling behind her, and walked out.
As mesmerising as Belarus was for Lithuania, it didn't stop her from always recoiling from her presence.
She was brutally insane, and no amount of ethereal beauty could change that, even Russia saw it.
Russia gave a chuckle before giving Lithuania a look that could have only been described as 'what are you waiting for, go after her'.
So she did, scurrying behind Belarus like a puppy.
As soon as they were out of the house with the door closed, decked in coats upon coats in the unforgiving Moscow winter, Belarus turned to look at Tiesa and snarled, the cold kind of snarl that would leave you shivering.
The kind of snarl that even her pretty face couldn't make attractive.
"Listen, Lithuania, I don't know who you think you are, looking at my Ivan like that but-"
"I don't u-understand!" She exclaimed.
"Don't act all innocent and coy, you want my brother. Well, newsflash! He's mine! He'll never be yours!"
A look of rage washed over her face, making her look almost demented.
"I don't want him!" Lithuania whispered frantically to Belarus, shrinking away from her.
"Bullshit! You bitch!" Screamed Belarus, "He'll never want you, you're lowly and pathetic and-"
Lithuania didn't know what overcame her, was it bravery or stupidity? No matter what it was, she found her hand flying dangerously close to Belarus' face before it came into contact with a deafeningly loud smack.
There was silence five seconds, both of them processing what had happened before the demented look came back to Belarus' face, more prominent and deadly that ever.
In a split second, Natalya had Tiesa pinned up against the wall, both of her hands forced over her head.
Tiesa let out a small whimper, her eyes betraying the strength that she had been trying so hard to contain.
Natalya let out a near inhuman growl, followed by a chilling giggle.
"Oh, you're in for it," She whispered. "I'll make you pay for this."
"Please. Stop." Lithuania pleaded.
"You need to know where you stand in this house, I'll make sure of it."
She slapped Tiesa harshly, making her whimper again.
"Just wait until Ivan gets to you."
Belarus smirked and walked back into the house, leaving Lithuania slumped against the wall, a stray tear running down her face.
She sat up in bed again, the memories flashing in front of her like a broken film.
She really did get in trouble with Ivan after that, but she didn't want to think about it anymore.
She heard rustling next to her in the bed, Poland's eyes flitting open.
He murmured something unintelligible before sitting up next to her in the bed.
"What are you doing up so early?" He whispered.
"I had a bad dream."
"About what?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It clearly does."
He reached out, touching her cheek.
"Are you crying?" He asked, feeling the moistness on her cheek.
"No." She said, with hesitation.
"You're lying." He told her, his eyes adjusting to the darkness of the room. "Your face is all blotchy."
"You're interrogating me, stop it."
"I promised you that I would always love you, but I need you to promise me that you'll always trust me. With anything and everything."
There was a long silence, neither daring to say a thing.
"I trust you with my life, is that not enough?" She asked.
"Please." He pleaded.
"I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"That you'll think I'm pathetic." She mumbled.
"You'll never be pathetic to me," he smiled at her, "Never, ever."
"Them, I'm still scared of them." She disclosed.
"Them?"
"Ivan, Natalya. I can't get them out of my head."
She let out a sob, clutching her chest.
He immediately flung his arms around her, letting her burrow her head into his shoulder.
"Shh…"
Her sobs grew louder and louder, his hand running through her hair on one of the odd occasions where her long brown hair wasn't in a braid.
"I'm s-s-sorry!" She gasped.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, we're all a little scared of them, but they're harmless really."
"Ivan and Natalya, Feliks you don't know them like I do, they're n-not h-harmless."
"Well it shouldn't matter, I'll protect you."
"You're a cheesy piece of crap, do you know th-that Feliks?"
"What else am I here for?"
Lithuania, Estonia, and Latvia sat huddled in blankets next to each other just like they did every other night in January.
It was pathetic, the three of them had once been powerful, yet here there were shivering in the servant's quarters of Russia's house.
Cold. Cold. Cold.
The blankets were too thin for the season but the financial situation in the USSR was depleting, money was scarce so they were forced to stick with their summer duvets during the harsh winter.
It was getting to be too much.
They couldn't do this for much longer.
Eduard was the first to suggest the ludicrous idea.
"You need to ask him." He said, shivering under 3 blankets he had piled on top of each other.
"No. Never."
"P-P-Please!" Raivis stuttered, teeth chattering. "You're the only one of us that he loves."
"He has a funny way of showing it." She said.
"It won't hurt to ask…"
She groaned at the mere thought of it, but somehow she found herself creeping down the stairs only minutes later towards the direction to Russia's room.
She knocked the door thrice, so quietly that it was hardly audible.
In some sense she really hoped that he wouldn't hear her, that she could go back upstairs and say that she tried.
"Да?" he said, "Come in?"
Her hand trembled as she turned the doorknob to let herself in.
"Ah, Litva. What are you doing here?" He asked, a small smile crossing his face.
"I-I-I…" Her words fell short, betraying her.
"Hmm? I can't hear you." He said, patronising her.
"I-I… Estonia, Latvia, and I… we… we…"
"You what?"
"We were wondering... if we could get some new blankets… upstairs…"
"Whyever would you need that? I thought that we supplied you new blankets just last year?"
She gulped, taking a step back every time that he took a step towards her, until she was backed up against the wall with his frame towering over her.
"Th-those were summer blankets." She stammered.
"You're so pretty when you're scared Litva, but I always admired your courage. Where did it go? You're acting like your brother, and you know what I think of him." He whispered to her, his face getting closer with every sentence that he said.
"We only wanted blankets."
"I can fix that problem for you." A strange gleam came across his eyes.
"You can?" She said, her eyes widening in disbelief.
"Да, of course I can, I am Russia am I not?"
She felt like laughing, a large smile breaking across her face.
"Come and stay here, in my room, with me!" He breathed out, like a child looking at that toy that he so desperately wanted from the store.
The smile fell from her face almost immediately.
No.
This wasn't what she wanted.
Not at all.
She didn't want to give him ideas.
"What?" She asked, he had to be bluffing.
"I think I made myself perfectly clear, no?" His face was coming closer, and closer, and closer, and-
She instinctively turned her head to the side, blocking him.
"What the matter, Litva? Isn't this what you wanted, warm sheets and security?"
She felt like crying, this was not the situation that she wanted to be in yet she didn't know how to get out.
"I think you mis-misunderstood m-me…" her voice trailing off into oblivion as she spoke.
Damn it, the stuttering was coming back.
Ivan chuckled.
"No, I didn't misunderstand you. Think of this in a logical sense. You get what you want and I get what I want. It's a simple transaction between the two of us."
"What about my brothers?"
"Your brothers will live, it's not them that I want here, with me."
She felt panic rising in her chest, the claustrophobia of being shoved into the corner by a big, looming man was too much for her to handle.
She slid onto her knees, hugging them to her chest, squeezing her eyes shut so that she could pretend that she wasn't in her current 'predicament'.
Russia bent down to her eye level, looking at her as though he was staring straight through her, studying her.
"You'd be stupid passing this opportunity up."
She whimpered from her spot on the floor.
"But if you're not going to say yes to my offer," he said, looking disappointed, "it looks like you should go back upstairs."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Russia."
"It's not like it matters anyway, I still have all of the time in the world to make sure that we become one."
She sprang up and ran out of the room as fast as her legs could take her, practically jumping up from the stairs.
She flung the door to the servant's quarters open, being greeted by achingly hopeful faces looking at her.
"He said no." She said, no emotion of feeling in the tone of her voice.
Eduard and Raivis slumped down into the nest of sheets they had tried to construct and curled into themselves, not even bothering to sigh in disappointment.
It wasn't like they were expecting anything from Ivan.
However, Tiesa waited until the two of them had definitely fallen asleep before she climbed onto her mattress and let the tears flow, letting horrible, aching coughs racking her body.
The cold and the panic felt like all that she could feel.
She continued sobbing into Feliks' shoulder until her tears ran dry and her chest stopped heaving.
It turned out that Russia 'love for her' wasn't as real as he thought, more of a fixation or obsession with an unattainable girl that he had mistaken for it. Not long after the fall of the USSR, he moved swiftly onto China, putting all of his obsessive tendencies onto him instead, much to the displeasure of Natalya.
And even though she knew Ivan's obsession was misplaced on her, she couldn't shake the pandemonium of emotions that she felt as she was cooped up in that little room with him on that January night.
And she couldn't help but wonder what her life would have looked like right now if she had accepted his offer.
She looked up at Feliks, and although the light in the room was minimal she could clearly see him smiling down at her like she was the only thing that mattered.
For the first time that night, placing her forehead on his, she smiled back, clinging onto him tightly from her position on his lap.
No matter what her life would have looked like if she had stayed with Russia that night, she would have bet her life that it wouldn't have felt near as good, loving or real as her relationship with Poland.
He kissed her, gently, as though she were made of glass and would break if he pressed too hard.
She retaliated by kissing back a little harder, but still somewhat guardedly.
The way he kissed her wasn't lustful or forcing, kissing her almost the way that two teenagers kissed for the first time, and although this certainly wasn't their first kiss it still had the qualities of it.
Like two best friends kissing, because that was what they were.
Best friends over anything else, and although they had been lovers for quite some time, it was always their friendship that came first.
Because what would they do without each other?
The nightmares wouldn't be leaving anytime soon, but that was all that they were, were they not?
Nightmares, fiction in her head, not pleasant but manageable.
She had her coping mechanisms, they would get through this together.
I loved writing this chapter, I found the flashback scenes so interesting yet challenging to write.
It sorry for making Russia and Belarus the 'villains', though, I know that that can be a lot of people's pet peeve, but I just needed to have some sort of obstacle to complete the story and it was just the most logical. I promise to write something about these characters in a positive light, though, since I love these characters so much, we just have to wait a bit.
It was the only way that was historically accurate (and when it's not a Human AU I want them to be historically accurate) to give her PTSD for it to fit with the story. I couldn't just have her forming PTSD for a stupid reason, that would bug me even more than an OOC character.
Also, I got the inspiration for this short story from Nyotalia Headcanons on tumblr, I love her account and it's perfect for fighting my writer's block.
If anyone has any requests for what they want the next one shot to be just either drop me a PM or request in a review, I'd love to hear from you.