Alright, so Cameron is just in a very dark place right now. So very dark. Don't worry I'll be adding some Jonathan in the story in the next chapter and hopefully the man can help a little. Maybe. We'll see. I haven't decided my level of evil yet.
Warning: Drug Abuse, Self-Harm, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts.
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Standing in front of the sink in the bathroom Cameron found himself staring at himself in the mirror hating what he was seeing. His face was pale and taunt like he hadn't slept at all that night. The bags under his eyes were so dark they looked like bruises.
All he wanted to do was go back into his room and… But he couldn't do that. Not when he had been forcefully dragged out of bed by Gunter because Kay and Mike arrived with a new case in toll needing their expertise.
Gunter had been excited about it. It might not be working on stage like they were used to, but being able to foil somebody else's trick. While it wasn't done in the magical community it was really fun to do.
The whole team loved doing it and it had the added bonus of helping Jonathan get out of prison. It was perfect. At least it would have been if not for the fact that they were working with the FBI and Cam had track marks in his arm.
It was sad how easy it was to hide what he was doing from his team. They were a family and they should have been able to look past his mask and see how badly he was crashing. They weren't the ones he had to worry about though.
No, instead he was dreading seeing the FBI agents. They were his friends and he cared about them, but they were still cops with sharp eyes that wouldn't overlook the symptoms that he wasn't hiding very well.
Ever since Johnny went to jail though everyone on the team was a lot more lenient with him. They had all been around long enough to know that he and his brother were joined at the hip. Unless they had a performance they were together.
It had actually been a bit of a joke when Dina and Jonathan were dating that she was with the both of them. It was a little sad, but it was rather truthful. Johnny never let get go very far out of his eye line if he could help it.
Their relationship had been that way ever since they were kids. Jonathan had to be there to keep his little brother from getting crushed by the weight of the real world. When the twins weren't together it was just bad news.
Cameron could still remember the time his brother had come down with the flu just an hour before a show. They had all been worried that they were going to have to take him to urgent care, but he said he just needed some rest.
Dina had ended up driving him back to their hotel room and making sure that he wasn't going to die. Which left Cam there trying to figure out what they were going to do for a trick. Not the best thing to do since he ended up in the hospital for a month.
Since Johnny was so sick though they hadn't been able to perform their signature move. So they had to come up with a brilliant trick that would wow the audience enough they didn't notice that it was missing. The only problem was they had no new tricks to pull out of their sleeves.
At least no new tricks that were Jonathan and Gunter approved. They had been working on this new one that involved him… Honestly, he had hit his head hard enough that he didn't remember exactly what the trick was supposed to be and nobody really liked talking about the finer details with him.
The point was he had convinced Gunter and Jordan that they had no choice but to do the trick. Something that he wouldn't have been able to do if his brother was there. He was the only one that didn't fall for Cam's smile.
In the end he had gotten hurt because he didn't have Johnny there to pull him back when he started to get too crazy. Dina liked to say that he was too smart for his own good, but he knew that it wasn't smarts that drove him to do some of the crazier things he'd done.
Jonathan had gotten so mad at him that night. Well, actually he had gotten mad at him when he woke up from the small coma that he had been in. It had only last three days. That wasn't all that much in coma years.
After that had happened it was decided that if one twin was sick the whole show was canceled. Didn't matter if it was him or Jonathan it wasn't going to happen. They said that it was just easier than trying to pull a new trick out of the bag, but he knew the truth.
It was instances like that that made everyone wary of them when the other wasn't around. Cam had a tendency to want to prove that he was as good as his brother while Jonathan proved that he just didn't want to be there.
"Cameron," Jordan knocked on the door pulling the magician from his thoughts, "Gunter as look #59 on his face and I think he might break down the door if you don't come out soon."
"I'll be right there," he answered keeping his voice as steady as possible.
Dragging his eyes away from the mirror he looked down at his hands an all too familiar dread filling him as he watched them shake uncontrollably. Even clenching them into fists didn't stop the shaking.
Cam forced himself to bite back an almost manic laugh as he stared up at the ceiling. It had been too long since his last hit and there was nothing he could do to about it. It wasn't as if Gunter was going to let him go back to his room. He was too excited. The man had even grabbed an outfit for him so he wasn't in his pajamas.
No, he had to just deal with the symptoms and act as if he was perfectly fine. How he was going to do that he didn't know. His skin felt like he was trying to crawl off his body, his stomach was in knots, and he couldn't stop shaking!
A sudden overwhelming anger filled him as his nails dug into his palms. Why had Gunter thought it a good idea to break into his room just because the FBI had a case? They weren't at the beck and call of the agents.
Without thinking Cameron let the need to hit something overtake him and slammed his fist into the counter hard enough to rattle the bottles on top of it. It wasn't enough though. He needed something more.
Carding a hand through his hair he quickly spun around the room looking for something to destroy. His breaths came out in pants as he grabbed the first thing he could find and lifted it over his head ready to shatter it.
Before he could get very far though an almost musical laughter filled his ears. It took a second for him to realize what he was hearing, but than it hit him like a freight train. It was Dina and Kay laughing. Genuinely laughing.
He had always loved that noise, but this time it felt like knifes digging into his heart. His knees couldn't support him anymore and he clasped in a pile his hand clutched over his mouth stopping any sound from escaping.
For a moment he simply laid there listening to the woman talk and laugh. They seemed so happy and carefree and he hated them for it. Everything seemed to be perfectly fine for everyone around him and he was just falling apart.
Dropping the glass in his hand he paid no attention to it rolling away from him as his hand came up knead at his chest. His heart was racing so quickly that it hurt and he felt like he couldn't catch his breath.
Curling into a ball he laid there trying to hold himself together. The only noises he could hear were coming from outside the door though they were fading away. It wasn't until he couldn't hear the women again that the pressure on his chest started to fad.
A sudden panic filled him as everything came back to him. He was supposed to be out there with his friends talking about a case. If he didn't move soon then they were going to come and get him themselves.
Taking a broken breath he gripped the counter tightly and climbed to his feet. For the first time that morning he ignored the mirror and started to pull on his outfit. He had to get out there before somebody came in and saw him like that. No one could see him like that.
He was lucky that Gunter hadn't grabbed him more than a pair of jeans and a button up. It wasn't his normal style, but he honestly didn't care at that point. He just wanted to get the meeting over with so he could go back to his room.
Reaching out for the doorknob he glanced at the mirror quickly and froze. Despite the fact that he had been staring at himself for what felt like eons he had missed something that was now smacking him in the face. His eyes were completely bloodshot.
There was no way that he could get away with anything if they saw his eyes. Scrambling he pulled open drawer after drawer desperately. It took some digging, but he was finally able to come up with a pair of sunglasses.
He knew that he would get some weird looks for wearing them, but he had no choice in the moment. Looking in the mirror one more time he tried to ignore the fact that it looked like he was doing a bad imitation of his brother.
Licking his lips Cameron fixed his sunglasses once more making sure his eyes were covered before exiting the bathroom and making his way towards his team. They were already sitting at the table with plates piled high with food.
Swallowing back a nausea he made his way over and forced a smile to his lips. Everyone looked at him and for a moment he felt panicked that they could see right through him. Just as he was deciding whether or not to run Dina smiled happily at him.
"We got Thai for lunch," she offered holding up a container for him to take.
"I'm not hungry," Cameron quickly dismissed as he moved to his chair and sat down, "Sorry. Headache."
"Do you want us to leave?" Kay asked looking between him and the team, "We can do this another day."
"No, I'll be fine."
With a nod of her head Kay started to tell everyone about the case that they needed help on. Around him everyone was throwing out ideas as they attempted to figure out… Whatever it was that was going on. Honestly, he hadn't been paying attention.
Normally, he loved this. Being able to sit around with his team and figure out how the trick had been pulled off. It had always been one of his favorite things to do because he got to sit back and just watch as their minds worked.
That and it had been something that he and Jonathan had been taught to do as kids. It was a good way to train their brains into thinking like a magician's. At least that's what their father said. All he knew was that it was one of the few things their father did that they had truly enjoyed.
The older man would set up a large magic trick that they hadn't seen before. It was never an easy trick either. At minimum there had to be five steps in total and almost every time if the trick wasn't done correctly someone would be hurt.
They would be given exactly one week to figure out how to do it and then perform the trick. Sometimes it ended up perfect the first time. Other times the trick ended up with him or his brother having to go to the hospital.
Those were some of his best memories. He wasn't usually the one that figured out how to do it, that was more of Jonathan's thing, but he still loved it. There was nothing like watching his brother work through a problem. He was brilliant.
Cameron felt himself take a shaky breath as that thought caught him. It was one of the thoughts that he had been trying to fight off ever since his brother went to prison. It never went very far though. It stayed there echoing over and over again reminding him that he was the worthless twin.
He grew up knowing that he was nothing more than the front man of the show. All he ever had to do was memorize a trick that someone else made up and smile. He was just a pretty face to look at and it was better for him not to forget that. It was also his pretty face that got them into trouble more often than not.
Johnny and his father were the smart ones in the family. They could come up with tricks off the top of their head and could work through someone else's like they were nothing. They were the ones that kept the show afloat.
Without his brother there was nothing for him to do beside smile and good was being able to smile if he didn't have people watching him? Without his brother and the show then did he really have a purpose at all?
He knew that the team and his brother tried their best to not make him feel bad about his less than stellar intelligence, but he was never too blind to see the truth about himself. He played his part perfectly and his part was to look pretty and memorize everyone else's hard work. That was it.
There were more times than he could count that he would want to pull out of a show because of that. It was somebody else's hard work and he was getting credit for it. As if he was the one that came up with it.
Every time he forced himself to spend hours learning a new trick he felt nothing but guilt. It was his name plastered all over the place as if he was the one that did anything worthwhile. He was completely worthless. The team was just too nice to say anything.
That was one of the things that his father was good at. He was not the type of person that held back when he thought you messed up. He was not the type of person to hold back at all. You knew exactly what he thought about you the second you met him.
Cameron had spent a lot of time listening to his father point out what was wrong with him. He always got so mad that he wasn't like his twin. That he wasn't smart or strong. That he couldn't take simple direction without messing it all up.
There had been more than a few dishes thrown into walls because he messed up on a simple trick and needed someone to save him before he ended up getting hurt. Those mistakes happened so often it wasn't funny.
He tried so hard too. He wanted nothing more than to make his father proud of him just once. Yet every time he tried he did something to make the man yell at him and once again point out all of his flaws.
To this day he could still hear the man telling him off at every turn he made. He could feel his gut clench angrily and the tears threaten to fall though he knew better than to cry in front of the older man at a very young age.
Having someone yell at him was still something he despised. Luckily, the only person that ever really raised their voice to him was his brother. Not that he was yelling anymore. No, Johnny was too angry at him to yell anymore. Not that he could blame him.
Clenching his jaw at the hurt that filled him Cameron absentmindedly scratched at the crook of his elbow. Even through his shirt it felt as if he could feel the old scars along with the fresh puncture wounds.
A shaky breath left him as his nails dragged down his forearm harshly. He tried so hard to ignore the way his body was shaking, but he felt as if he was about to crumble apart. All he wanted to do was get away from the team and curl into a little ball in the middle of his bed. Well, that wasn't the only thing that he wanted to do.
His mind flashed to the little trick box that he had sitting on his nightstand. He had gotten it from his grandfather as a gift when he was born while Jonathan had gotten a hidden message journal. The man had designed them both himself.
At least that's what their father had told them when they started to question where they came from. Surprisingly enough they rarely got to see their grandfather. It was never brought up why that was, but it rarely ever happened.
That was why the box was so important to him. The fact that his grandfather had decided to spend his time making something for him had put him over the moon. It was his most prized possession.
It was so prized to him that not even Johnny ever really touched it. That box alone was Cam's and Cam's alone. Because of that he had decided that that would be the perfect place to start stashing his drugs.
The first time he had thought that it was disrespectful to the man. He had worked so hard on it and to have it used that way was wrong. Now though… Cameron wasn't sure exactly what had changed, but he didn't care about that anymore.
In his mind the box was the only place that no one on the team would ever look. Even if they did start to suspect something it wasn't as if anyone other than him knew how to open it. Not even Johnny could.
That wasn't to say that he hadn't tried. When he went through withdraw the first time his brother had gone through every inch of everything in the annex looking for the drugs that were hidden all around.
The box had been the one place he hadn't been able to get into. So he demanded that Cameron open it. Of course, he had refused. As much as he loved his brother that box was the only thing that was just his. He couldn't give that up.
That had been the first in a long line of times that Jonathan had lost his temper with him. Something that wasn't all that odd until it was pointed out that he was upset with Cameron. While that did happen a handful of times it was rare.
When he found out that Cameron was doing drugs though he had lost it. The younger twin had never seen his brother go off like that. He had gotten to the point of anger that tears were streaming down his face. It was horrible to watch.
It wasn't until he had seen his brother breakdown like that that he let him help. Anything that made Jonathan lose it like that wasn't worth it. Especially if Johnny forgot himself like that and started to really yell at him.
Johnny wasn't there anymore though. There was no one to protect him from everything that happened inside of his mind. He had to deal with that all on his own and he couldn't do it. He wasn't strong enough.
All he ever wanted to be was strong like his brother and father. He wanted to be able to stand up for himself. He wanted to not flinch whenever someone started to raise their voice at him. He wanted to be everything he wasn't.
Instead he was terrified of small spaces and slept poorly, if at all, during thunderstorms. He couldn't even stay away from drugs without his brother watching over him. He couldn't do anything by himself.
Reaching up he carded a hand through his hair his eyes darting around under his dark lens. The crushing realization that the room was filled with people that thought he was someone he wasn't suddenly filled him.
Not a single one of them knew who he truly was. They all expected him to be like the Cameron Black they saw on the television. Even the team. For as much as he talked about them being a family he knew that he held himself away from them.
He loved them with all of his heart and he would do everything he could to keep them safe. That meant that he had to keep them safe from the weaker of the Black twins. He had to keep them safe from him.
Cameron knew that he wasn't the best person. He had a tendency to bring everyone down to his level without even trying to. All he ever seemed to do was break the things that he cared about. It wasn't just what he had ended up doing when it came to Johnny either. No, it had started all the way back to his childhood and their father.
He had tried so hard to be the perfect on for the other man. Every challenge that the man threw his way he worked his ass off to get just a hint of approval from him. All he seemed to do was fail at every turn he made.
His heart started to speed up as thoughts of his father started to leak through his subconscious once more. No matter how hard to tried it seemed that those thoughts weren't going to leave him alone today.
He used to joke that if it wasn't for the fact that they looked exactly like their father he would have thought he was adopted. Johnny always got angry whenever he said that, but it was the truth. He was nothing like the other Black men.
Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't been part of the family at all. No, that wasn't right. It would have been better if he had never been born. Both his father and his brother would have been better off without him. The whole world would be better if he hadn't been born.
Feeling as if he had to get away from everyone he forced himself to smile not wanting to bring any more attention to himself. As he moved he felt eyes studying him. He knew that he really couldn't be surprised by that. Eyes were always on him.
A part of him told him that if he turned around he knew that it would have been both Kay and Dina watching him. The both of them always seemed to be watching. Though it was for two very different reasons.
Dina had been watching him out of worry since Johnny went to jail. She had been closest to them both and felt a little bit of what Cameron was feeling. Because of that she tried and failed to fill in the spot that his brother left.
Kay, on the other hand, watched him like she was trying to figure him out. That had been what she did ever since he walked into the airplane carrier. He didn't want to know what she had found out about him so far.
At that moment in time though he couldn't even pretend that he could handle that. He needed to get away from them all. He needed to get to his room and get to that box. He needed to not be in his head. At least not alone in it. He couldn't be alone.
Every move he made was calculated perfectly to make no one think they needed to follow him. That was the last thing that he needed in that moment. No, all he needed was locked in a box away from prying eyes.
"Cameron," Dina called out before he got to the door, "What do you think?"
Blinking a few times the man quickly racked his brain attempting to figure out what they had been talking about. How could he not remember? They had been sitting around talking for… How long had they been talking?
Before he could give an answer the nausea reared its head again. Reaching up Cameron quickly covered his mouth trying to hold it at bay as he rushed out of the room. Getting to the bathroom once more he dropped to his knees as he spilled all of the food in his stomach.
His stomach felt as if it was being turned inside out and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Nails clutched desperately at the porcelain while tears of pain rolled down his face. He truly hated throwing up.
"Oh, Cam," Dina whispered sitting next to him on the floor, "Are you okay?"
Spitting out the last of the bile in his mouth he rested his head on the toilet letting out a pathetic groan. The woman let out a soft sigh beside him her hand coming to rest on his back in what was supposed to be a comforting motion. Instead it make him tense until slowly the hand slipped off his back.
"Sweetheart," Dina started her voice softer than normal like she thought he might break.
"I don't feel well," Cameron cut her off not wanting to hear it, "Can you send everyone home?"
"Of course. Do you want me to..."
"No, I just want to go to bed. You should just go home. Please."
Dina sat there for a moment before sighing again and standing up to leave. He could hear everyone talking softly before the building fell silent. Even after that though he sat there quietly making sure everyone had more than enough time to leave.
His whole body felt both like it was on fire and like it was dunked in an ice bath. It was difficult to move but he forced himself to climb to his feet and make his way to his bedroom towards the one thing he knew could help him.
When he got to his room he was stumbling like a new born calf. His hip checked the side of the nightstand before he fell half onto the mattress. The last of his energy was spent pulling himself across it towards the box.
He was panting heavily feeling as if he couldn't catch his breath. Reaching out he gripped the box tightly knowing the pain would finally stop. It took him longer than it had ever to crack the code he knew by heart. After that though there was nothing standing in his way anymore.