Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, because if I did, there would be a weapon/way to kill Donald and Goofy. I hate them because you will all be dying in a boss fight, and instead of Donald healing you, he'll choose to heal Goofy. Bastards.

"...and that's what really happened Reno, not the total bullshit that Seph told you earlier."

"Let me try and get this straight, yo. Sephiroth, the strongest mother-fucking monster in the fucking galaxy, did a strip show for you. That's some fucked-up, crazy-ass shit there, yo. Not that I'm saying that you don't deserve it, Leon. I would love to tap that fucking tasty ass. Damn, you're fucking beautiful, and I bet you'd be a great fuck, yo."

"...Now I understand why Seph is always drunk, it's the only way that he can stand listening to you talk. 'Fuck' can't be used as every part of speech, Reno. And, I'm actually pretty happy with my life with Seph right now, well sans strip show and all."

"Yeah, I know whatcha mean. Vince and me got a fucking awesome sex life right now, and the last thing I want to fucking do is fuck this up, yo. Life's to hard without the Mister, y'know?"

"...never...say...the...words...y'know...around...me. Too many bad, bad memories of teenage summers. Raijuin really should have learned that ending I would cut him for being an annoying ass repeating that all the time. And, ew. There is no need for you to tell me about you and Vincent's 'fun times'. That's just TMI, man."

" Are ya sure ya don't wanna hear more? Like Vince can do this un-fucking-believe able thing with his tongue when he sucks my-"

"SAY ANOTHER WORD, AND YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF COMMANDER SQUALL LEONHART. AND HE IS ONE SCARY-ASS MOTHER FUCKER. HE SCARES AERIS!"

"Hehehehe, there's no need to get all fucking violent, Leon. I'm just educating you on the way of life, making sure you're fragile, pretty little fucking head is screwed on right, yo. You've been drinking a lot buddy."

"...You took me out to a fucking bar, of course I'm to get drunk. Seph was right, it isn't a party until Reno arrives."

"Absou-fucking-lutely right, yo! The fiesta doesn't even move off the fucking ground unless this sexy-ass, perfect R-man is there causing pain, mischief, and laughs. Damn, back at Shinra everyone just came to my office for a good time, and in more ways than one. yo."

"Yet again, I utter the word 'ew' in your presence. Don't you have any idea of public decency? I mean, you and Yuffie embarrass the hell out of everyone, with all your twitchy, raunchy behavior."

"I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for my devious charm, yo. Everyone loves a bad-boy, well unless you're Spikey. Then everyone just wants to kick you're pansy, pale ass. He keeps forgetting that even a bad-boy needs a personality, yo. And don't be hatin' on someone from Wutai. They will find you and kill you in the middle of the night, or make your life a miserable little piece of shit for 7 years. Even when you don't fucking do anything, yo!"

"Tseng sure sounds like a hard-ass, but I think that he and I would be good friends. Both of us had to put up with lazy-ass employees, that wanted to do nothing but drink all day long. Fucking cowboys."

"I would fucking cry if you and Tseng met each other- DAMMIT!"

"What? What the hell is going on, Reno? Did Yuffie fall in the well again?"

"Worse, so much worse. Leon, your lover-boy is on his way over here, yo. I gotta move my perfect-ass outta here, or else his foot is gonna be so far up it that I'll be tasting leather for a week. And not the good type of leather either. Remember what happened last time, yo?"

"...Seph took out Masasume and almost sodomized you with it, and would have gotten away with it if Vincent wasn't there. I don't even know why the hell he gets like that whenever we're together. He doesn't fucking slit you when you guys go out drinking."

"Seph think that I'm gonna fuck your tiny fucking ass, Leon. That's the whole reason that he hates it when I take you out and shit, yo. Psycho thinks I'm gonna jump your fucking bones, yo."

"..."

"Well, say something, bitch. Your six foot tall bag of crazy is about to get here, yo."

"But...you're like Vincent's bitch. Why the hell does Seph think you and I could ever get together? I can't stand you when I'm sober!"

"To be fair, you can't stand the General when he's sober either, yo. And how the fuck should I know what's going on that fucking fucktard's brain. That thing has been beaten worse than Cloud when he told Tifa that he just wanted to be 'friends' with her. I know I should pity the lil' fucker, but that was the best shit I've seen in a long time, yo."

"...He was so twitchy. Whenever I see him brooding in the Bailey now, the image of him bloody, crying in a corner, and telling Tifa that 'he was her bitch and she should stop being a bad pimp'. I still can't believe that Tifa thinks she's a pimp. Sure, she's weird, but I never thought that she'd..."

"I think it's cause Rude's not here, yo. Rude always knew how to keep Tifa from getting all...crazy. When he comes back from vacation, she'll chill her ass out, yo"

"Rude's dead, Reno. He has been ever since your world has been destroyed."

"Yeah, like I said, he's on vacation. He'll be back here soon enough. Aeris will use her voodoo I-was-dead powers to bring Rude back soon. Even she is getting tired of Tifa acting like-"

"YO, EITHER OF YOU CRACKA'S SEEN MY BOTTOM BEETCH? HE BE LATE FOR HIS 'APPOINTMENT' WITH ME. WHEN I SEE THAT WHORE, I'M A BEAT THE CHOCOBO RIGHT OUTTA HIM!"

"...He's not here Tifa. Check the Dark Depths, usually he and Sephiroth are fighting around now."

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! THANKS LEON, IF YOU WANTED YOU COULD BE ONE OF MY BEETCHES TOO. TIFA LOVES THE PRETTY ONES!"

"...No, I'm good Tifa."

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! WHAT ABOUT YOU, RED?? YOUR ASS IS MADE FOR TIFA'S BED."

"...I never thought I would say this to you Tifa, but I'm gay, yo. So gay that just looking at your monstrous jugs is creeping me out. You can just call me Gay-men, kay yo?"

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! ALL THE GOOD ONES NEED TO BE HOOKING UP WIT EACH OTHER. DAMMMMMMMMMN!!! LATER BEETCHES."

"...So we're her bitches now? Great that's exactly how I want to spend my time. I hate that woman so much."

"Of course we're not her bitches, yo. We're her 'beetches'. Got it memorized?"

"...Are you guys sure that you and Axel aren't related. He could be your brother, or cousin, hell even sister with those hips!"

"Nah, he doesn't have the 'Reno vibe' to him. Everyone can tell where Reno is by the 'Reno vibe'."

"Yes, that 'Reno vibe' of your's is so noticeable that I could find it anywhere, Reno. Imagine my surprise when I find it near my boyfriend. Again."

"Dammit, yo."

"You know Seph, I don't understand why you don't like me hanging out with, Reno. You two hang out all the time."

"Yes my dearie, but that's because I need a drinking partner. Reno's my drinking partner, and I've seen him drunk countless times. He gets very...handsy when he's drunk, and I worry for the virtue of my precious love-muffin."

"What the fuck, yo? I'm still fucking here, and you don't diss the Reno when he's here and can kick your ass. Well...Leon's ass. But then again, Seph would kick my ass for 'touch/damaging his property'. Damn, I wish Vince was that protective."

"First off, Reno if you don't like us talking, you can leave. Go home to Vincent, where he'll probably fuck you until you can't walk. And second Seph, I hardly think that since we've been dating for 9 months and you are a freaking sex fiend that any of my virtue is still intact. You're a fucking monster that needs to be stopped, preferably before we go home."

"I have this thing in my car, yo, that can take care of your problems, Leon. Of course in return, you'll have to do me a few 'favors', yo."

"..."

"..."

"What, yo?"

"...You know that now I have to kill you, Reno. I really hate having to do this to you, but..."

"Reno...just go home. Tell Vincent I'll pay him to keep you out of our hair for the next couple of days."

"If you give me the money now yo, I'll stay away for a week. I'm short a little for this toy I wanna buy for tonight. It's gonna be the shit, yo!"

"Turk, leave or I swear that not even Aeris will be able to bring you back to life. Leave and don't come back. Unless you have copious amounts of alcohol. Then you are welcomed any time."

"Thanks for the money Leon. I'll see you tomorrow for drinks, Seph. Later, yo"

"..."

"..."

"I really do hate that man. The only reason I keep him around is for the drinking I swear. Why are you here, Squall? I thought I told you that I didn't like you hanging out with that asshole?"

"I can do whatev-"

"...mhmm..."

"Ah...more...nngh."

"Hmmm...you sure are handsy when you're drunk too Leon, but this I like."

"...WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP HARRASSING ME!!! EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF SENTENCES NOW???? WHAT THE HELL, SEPH? JUST FOR THAT YOU ARE SO SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!!!!"

"Now Squall, what did we say about saying things we didn't mean? I will always know and will always do exactly what you really want me to do. And right now, that means fuck you until you can't walk tomorrow."

"Seph, I think you're doing that thing when you think I something, but really its just you. Right now, I want you to take me home, because I don't think I remember the way."

"Sure thing Squall, it would be wrong for me to fuck you here anyway. But once we get home, you're mine."

"SEPHIROTH WATCH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!!!!"

"I'd rather watch your ass."

"..."

"DAMMIT SQUALL, IT WAS A JOKE!!! PUT YOUR GUNBLADE AWAY!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!"

"YOU ARE GOING TO PAY YOU LITTLE FREAK! I'M ABOUT TO GO ALL COMMANDER SQUALL LEONHART ON YOUR ASS! AND HE IS ONE BAD-ASS MOTHER FUCKER!!!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hahahahaha! Yet again have we struck gold with this magnificent finding. I don't care what you say this time Aeris. I will get myself some flipping materia! That stuff is precious!"

"Now Yuffie, I think it's best if you wait a little longer until you get that materia. Hey, maybe Rude and Tseng will give you some when they come back if you are a good girl?"

"You mean a blood-thirsty-kick-butt-super-spectacular-awesome-ninja, right? And when are you going to bring Rudey-McStoic back? And Mr. Wonderful? I know you miss them, especially Tseng, but I can't blame you because both of them are pretty yummy lookin'! The thing I miss the most, has to be sane Tifa though. Squally-boy is right Aeris she's a fricking monster!"

"Patience young grasshopper. All good things come with time, and time is like a gentle river, it comes slowly but powerfully."

"I really should stop letting you read all my fortune cookies. I knew that starting a Wutaiian bakery in this world was a good idea, but if I knew that you would become hooked on the fortunes...I still would have done it. HA!"

"...We should get going Yuffie, it would be bad if Leon and Sephiroth learned that we have been spying on them all this time."

"Yeah, he might even kill you again!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"How long are we going to let them spy on us, Squall? It gets on my nerves having other people see you like this."

"Like what?"

"Breath-takingly sexy and yet so thoroughly fucked. The perfect combo."

"Once they get used to us, they'll stop Seph. And if not, I'll let you loose. "

"Ahh, you always know exactly how to make me happy, Squall. I love you so much. You give the best gifts."

"...After all, the greatest gift is love, and I just like you to be happy Seph."

"...Now who sounds like a fortune cookie?"

"UGH!!! YOU INSUFFERABLE JERK! I TRY TO BE NICE, AND SWEET, AND YOU ACT LIKE A FUCKING ASS! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. I HOPE YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP!!"

"...Sweet dreams to you too, Squall."

A/N: Okay, this is turning into a very horrible addiction for me. And I'm not so sure I can stop. Anyways...yes. That's my explanation for why Tifa turned from bad-ass, to stalker. Rude left, and everyone knows that Rude makes everything better. I'm thinking that next chapter, Cloud will show up, and as we all know, that's gonna turn out pretty badly. Or well, if you're sadistic like me. Keep on rowing that canoe Sailor Moon, and until later my lovely space cadets~!!