An: Here's the next chapter! I always appreciate reviews! A special shoutout to my anonymous reviewer and to HannahStach for the feedback! I really appreciate it! :)
June 15th, 1975
James had known from the moment he saw Lily that she was someone special. He hadn't begun to understand his feelings towards her until his third year. During his first and second years, he managed to stay away from Lily. Any conversation he'd had with her during those two years had been minimal and he'd always managed to sound like a mumbling idiot. In his third year, however, he found that arguing with her was like running a marathon. It was hard work and it usually left him winded, but Merlin, it also made him feel alive.
He also enjoyed watching her checks turn red in indignation. How, when they fought, she treated him like he was the only person in the room. He got her full attention. She'd yell at him, call him horrible names, but he'd never really felt her words. He was too busy watching the way her lips formed his name and the how her eyes would darken with anger. He enjoyed arguing with her. She tested him and challenged him in a way that excited him. He wanted to prove himself to her, and he knew that she wanted to prove herself to him. She was scrappy, fighting with all her might. He found it endearing and enchanting.
It wasn't until his fourth year that he had worked up the courage to ask her out. She had been sitting alone in the common room, reading a book by the dying fire. It had been late. James was planning on heading to the kitchen for a midnight snack when he saw her. She hadn't heard him come down and therefore did not see his eyes on her. He stared at her. Her skin had turned a golden color in the firelight and her hair had turned a truly radiant red. The flames cast shadows across her face that made her look, if possible, even more lovely than she normally did.
"Evans." He said quietly, trying not to startle her.
Lily jumped and looked at him, but quickly regained her composure. "I don't have the energy to fight, Potter." She looked weary, and James had not noticed how tired she looked before.
"Good. I didn't come to fight." James sat down on her couch, leaving enough room for someone else between them.
"Oh." Lily looked startled by this information. "Right. Good. That's good?"
"Are you alright?" James hadn't noticed from afar, but now he could see that her eyes were red. She'd been crying.
"Oh!" She exclaimed, realizing that he eyes had given her away. She wiped at her eyes, trying to remove the evidence. "Yes, I'm fine. Just a long day."
"Want to talk about it?"
"With you? No." She didn't say it to be rude, it was simply just the truth.
"Well, did someone make you cry? I can hex them, if you like."
"No, that won't be necessary. Thanks." Lily said this only a little dryly.
"I mean it. I don't like to see you upset." James admitted.
"You called me a stuck up bitch last week!"
"You called me a bully, an arrogant prick, a horrible person, and told me Hogwarts would be better off without my big, fat head in that same argument." James countered.
"Yeah, I guess." Lily said, looking down.
"And besides I've never made you cry." James reminded her.
Lily stared at him for a second, before looking away. She'd never been a good liar.
"Wait! Have I? Why didn't you tell me?" James demanded.
"We're not exactly friends." Lily didn't elaborate further than that.
"Still."
"It was only once."
"When?"
"A few months ago. You said, 'no wonder your muggle sister wants nothing to do with you, you nosy bint." Lily said.
"I didn't want to make you cry." James looked down.
"My sisters sort of a sore subject."
"Noted. I won't mention her again." James began to play with his thumbs unsure of were this conversation was going to go.
The two sat there on the sofa for awhile before either of them spoke.
"If I ever cross a line like that again, let me know. Arguing with you- it's- it's... Well I'm not sure there's a word for what it is, but its never meant to hurt you."
"I know." Lily said, surprising him. She looked at him, making eye contact with him. "I hate the way you treat others and how you and your friends break the rules all the time, but usually our arguments are just... stress releasing."
"Stress releasing?" James asked.
"Well, isn't like that for you? If I've had a bad day or I'm feeling crappy, arguing with you helps release all of my anger and frustration."
That wouldn't be how James described it. It was an exhilarating experience. It filled him with all sorts of confusing feelings, but it always left him wanting more, wanting her more. But he kept that to himself. "Yeah, its something like that."
"And most of the time, I don't even think you mean what you say." Lily looked at him. It was uncanny how she could read him so well, but he couldn't tell what she was feeling.
"I don't." James answered honestly, because he didn't know what else to say.
There was another pause in conversation, and Lily returned to her book.
"Lily?" James broke the silence.
"You've never called me that." Lily said, surprised.
"There's a Hogsmead trip coming up, and I think we should go together." James said in a rush. He certain that it came out sounding more like one word rather than twelve.
"What?" Lily's voice was icy. "So this is what this is all about. It always comes back to messing with him, doesn't it? You're unbelievable."
"What? Who are you talking about?" James asked incredulously.
"Severus, of course."
"What! No! This has nothing to do with Snivillus." James said angrily. This wasn't going how he wanted.
"Yes, yes it is! You're just using me to find another way to torture him. Jeez, I almost bought it, too." Lily looked at resentfully. You truly are a prick."
James had never been truly offended by any of the names Lily called him until that moment. But he'd quickly brushed it off and began to continuously ask her out. If he made a joke out of it, he found that it didn't hurt so much when she said no.
The summer months were particularly hard for Lily. She sat outside her house on a brightly colored beach towel, with a book in her lap. She was drinking lemonade, but she desperately wished for some pumpkin juice. How odd. Even her tastes in beverages had been changed by the wizarding world. She shook her head, not wanting to think about Hogwarts and her friends for just a little while. When she was at school, Hogwarts consumed her. Her wizarding life took over, and she forgot about who she was as a muggle, that she came from muggles.
In the past, she'd always had Severus Snape. But Sever- Snape. Snape wasn't her friend anymore. She allowed herself the briefest of seconds to think about her former friend. He was, most likely, sitting in his house, pouring over some potions book. Or some other dark, nefarious aspect of magic. But Lily preferred not to think about him that way. She wasn't going to think about him anymore, she reminded herself.
Still, she thought he could be so much more than he was settling for. When she'd met Severus, they were just children, and he had introduced her into a world she had never known existed. He had promised her that being a muggle born didn't matter. And it hadn't mattered to him. It had never bothered him that she had muggle parents. He liked her parents. She had often sensed that he was jealous of her family. His father was also a muggle, but he was cruel and unkind to both Severus and his mother, who was a witch. A rather gifted and genius witch. Lily was pretty sure she had won some awards back in her Hogwarts days, but Mrs. Snape no longer practiced magic. In fact, it had seemed that anything magical had been sucked out of Severus's mother. Perhaps it was her toerag of a husband, perhaps she sensed what her son was, or maybe it had more to do with the disillusionment of the world. Lily could hardly imagine that Mrs. Snape imagined her life as it had turned out.
Perhaps Severus had learned to hate muggles because of his father. Perhaps it had been Mr. Snape that made Severus the way he was. If Lily truly believed that, then perhaps she could forgive Severus, but Lily had the sinking feeling that wasn't the reason- or at least not the whole reason. See, Lily didn't believe that Severus hated muggle borns. No, Severus was far too intelligent to play into prejudices like that. Plus, a tiny voice inside her head reminded her, he was in love with her. And people who believe that mudbloods are worthless don't fall in love with mudbloods. No, Snape didn't hate muggle borns. He didn't want to become a Death Eater because he hated all muggle borns. The truth was much darker. Severus liked the Dark Arts. He wanted power. He needed to feel powerful. All his life he had been made to feel small, and now he was determined to become powerful. Even if that meant buying into blood supremacy. Severus would step on just about anyone to get what he wanted.
Lily just hadn't thought she was one of those people. She was under the impression that she'd be the one to save him. It was why, when he'd look at her with those intense eyes, she never shut him down. When he'd look at her with such hunger, such desire, she'd look straight back at him. Lily Evans had always imagined she'd be able to save Severus Snape.
But she hadn't. She hadn't been enough.
Lily sighed. Shaking her head, trying to distract herself from Severus. At one point, she may have imagined herself to return Severus's feelings, but the truth was, she had only wanted to love him because he loved her and she wanted to make him happy. But now that didn't matter, and she would not spare another thought on Severus Snape.
And, alas, it would be one of the last times Lily Evans thought about Severus Snape, but it would not be the last time Severus Snape thought of her. In fact, his last dying thought would be about her beautiful, emerald eyes. But that's an entirely different story.
Lily had wanted a distraction and a distraction did come, in the form of an owl. Lily frowned at the owl, confused. She had responded to Mary's owl only yesterday, so she wasn't expecting a response for another few days. Marlene was on vacation, and Lily wasn't expecting any post from her until she returned in two weeks. Alice had just begun dating an older bloke, and Lily knew Alice well enough that she would be completely wrapped up in him for at least another two weeks. Lily had other friends at Hogwarts, of course, but none that regularly wrote to her. Docras Meadows occasionally wrote, but she had just begun Auror training, and Lily imagined that was taking up much of her time. She sometimes got post Remus Lupin or Peter Pettigrew, two of her male housemates she got along with, but they were cross with her for her continued (rude) rejections of Potter, so she wasn't expecting them to write her for at least a few more weeks.
Lily cringed, realizing just who this letter was most likely from and her annoyance grew when the messy scrawl confirmed her suspicions. James Potter had the bloody nerve to write to her. This was summer vacation, and one of the few perks was that she was able to get away from that bloody git. She opened the letter, fully prepared for her mood to worsen.
She petted the owl, wishing she had a treat to give it, but the best she could do was offer a grape from the bowl beside her. The owl refused.
Evans,
I'm not certain you'll actually read this letter, but in the off chance that you do... I know you hate me- Remus has confirmed it several times. I also know that I promised I'd leave you alone, but I think we both knew I was lying to you. Although, I do plan to leave you alone, if that's what you want. I'm not writing to you to annoy you or ask you out (yes, I know that the answer is no), but to apologize.
Remus reckons I didn't do a very good job at apologizing last time. I truly only meant to tell you I was sorry for any part that I played in hurting you. It was never my intention to hurt you. Sirius reckons I ought to not send this letter because its a known fact you hate me, but Peter reckons that you couldn't hate anyone. He says you're too nice. Although Peter has always had an extremely high opinion of you since you stood up for him against Mucliber in second year. Truth is, so have I.
You're a nice person, Lily Evans, and I am not. You've made it clear that I am an arrogant, bullying toerag. I have bullied your best friend. I have treated others unkindly, its true, but I have never thought of myself as a bad person before you. I've always imagined myself as a protector of sorts. A protector to Remus and Peter, but even more of blood-traitors and muggle borns alike. And in a sense, I have fulfilled that role, but I have also ignored other parts of myself. Mostly the bad parts. Luckily, I have you to remind me of those.
Not that I have you, of course, I just mean-
The words had been scratched out, but Lily could still read them. Whatever Lily had been expecting, this had not been it. This was an honest, open letter from James Potter. Not that a pretty letter could change everything he had done to her in the past, but it still had to count for something. Although Lily suspected that Remus had played a huge role in this letter. She could almost imagine Potter sitting at a desk, with Remus standing behind him, reading over his shoulder, helping him find the words to apologize. Yes, of course this had more to do with Remus than Potter.
I am sorry if I hurt you. Remus and Peter reckon that I have some growing up to do, that there are some truth to your words. Sirius reckons I'm perfect just the way I am. I reckon that's why he's my favorite (yes Remus just yelled in indignation).
So Remus was helping Potter. Lily wasn't surprised.
I'm going to try and be a better person from now on. I know you said you didn't think you could be my friend. I'm going to try and respect that, but I hope, from this point on we can be civil. We most likely will have quite a few classes together (as I'm assuming you got just as many OWLS as I did- 7, by the way- Remus just informed me that this might be the behavior you don't like, so, if it is, I am sorry) and I don't want any more screaming matches in the future. I reckon you'll want to be head girl and it really doesn't help your chances to be getting into weekly screaming matches with a (handsome) troublemaker.
Sincerely,
James
Shit, Lily thought. She had never thought that James actually liked her. She'd always assumed that he had asked her out to get a rise out of Severus.
The owl tapped at Lily's fingers with its beak. So Potter had told it to wait for a response. Of bloody course. The owl tapped again, this time harder.
"Okay, okay." Lily mumbled to the bird, and walked inside, letting the owl follow her, to find some parchment and a quill.
James Potter sat on his bed in his room, staring at the red and gold wallpaper. He was beginning to think his room was a bit childish, with his house colors all over the walls. He wrung his hands nervously in his lap, and looked back at his three best friends assembled in his room.
"No response?" Peter asked.
"No, there was a response." Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes at Peter to indicate that it hadn't been good.
"I don't think she meant it the way you are taking it, Prongs." Remus began. "When she called me she said that she appreciated your honesty, but it was hard for her to forget everything you have done."
"It says- and this is a direct quote, mind you- 'Potter, while I appreciate your honesty, I cannot make any promises about civility. Unless you have truly given up picking on other students- Severus included- then I cannot promise to be nice. I am rather hot tempered-"
"Ha! Rather? Try extremely!" Sirius cut in.
"Excuse me, I wasn't done." James snapped.
"It doesn't sound so bad! You already knew she'd expect you to stop doing some of those things!" Remus defended Lily.
Remus and Lily had a very strong friendship. Lily had been Remus's first friend at Hogwarts, and he considered her to be one of his best friends. They were prefects together, sat next to each other in Divination, and studied together on the weekends. He could tell her anything- well, almost everything- and she always understood. While she could be short tempered, she was also kind and understanding. Lily was his only true friend outside of the Marauders, and he often felt very conflicted when they talked about her. Remus understood Lily in a way that others did not. He understood why Lily got so angry with James and couldn't see past his flaws. Lily may have been Remus's first friend, but Severus was Lily's first friend. First friends shared a special bond that were hard to break.
"I wasn't finished, Moony." James snapped again.
"Alright, mate. Finish reading." Sirius rolled his eyes again.
"Okay were was I? Right. 'I am rather hot tempered and cannot be expected to turn a blind eye to your bullying behavior. I think we are better off staying away from each other. If I see you treating someone poorly, I will interfere, but I won't be so quick to judge anymore. I realize that I may have judged you harsher because of Snape. Remus tells me that you're not as bad as I think, and I think very highly of Remus's opinion. Its just, you make me so angry sometimes, and I say and do things that are truly out of character. I haven't exactly been nice to you, yet you speak only highly of me. This letter, you make me sound like some kind of saint that's been sent to make you a better person, and I just... I just don't know how to respond to that. I don't think I am who you think I am.'"
"That's not so bad." Sirius said softly. "It's an improvement."
"That's not the whole letter, is it, James?" Peter asked quietly. He was looking at James with sad eyes. Earlier Peter had thought James was nervous because he had been so fidgety. Now, Peter guessed that it was because James was sad and didn't know how to hide it.
"There's more." James confirmed, but did not elaborate.
"What's it say, mate?" Remus asked.
"Just that nothing is every going to happen between us."
James stared down at the letter.
Potter,
While I appreciate your honesty, I cannot make any promises about civility. Unless you have truly given up picking on other students- Severus included- then I cannot promise to be nice. I am rather hot tempered and cannot be expected to turn a blind eye to your bullying behavior. I think we are better off staying away from each other. If I see you treating someone poorly, I will interfere, but I won't be so quick to judge anymore. I realize that I may have judged you harsher because of Snape. Remus tells me that you're not as bad as I think, and I think very highly of Remus's opinion. Its just, you make me so angry sometimes, and I say and do things that are truly out of character. I haven't exactly been nice to you, yet you speak only highly of me. This letter, you make me sound like some kind of saint that's been sent to make you a better person, and I just... I just don't know how to respond to that. I don't think I am who you think I am.
I've never taken any of you advances seriously because I thought you were only asking me out to annoy Snape. Maybe I have too high of an opinion of myself and this wasn't what this letter was about, but just in case it was: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of the times I shot you done harshly. I didn't realize that I might be hurting you. It wasn't my intention. However, I feel like this is something I have to tell you. I do not return your feelings in any capacity. I don't think we should be friends. I don't think we should go out of our way to be civil to each other, either. Too much has happened between us, and I don't want either of us to get hurt any more than we already have.
Lily
James shook his head. He hadn't felt this away about her rejection in years. He'd always, truly believed that they would find each other, that one day she'd open her eyes and realize that she felt same way. Tonight this letter proved that she was never going change her mind. She would never even consider being his friend, let alone anything else. He looked at his friends, who were all looking at him, waiting for an answer.
"What?" James said. He hadn't been listening.
"I asked about the letter. Finish reading it." Peter demanded.
"Here." James said, handing the letter to his friends. "Read it yourself."
The other three Marauders read the letter as James stared at the ceiling, feeling helpless.
"Remus!" Lily said into the phone, laughing. It had been two weeks since her letter, and Remus had given up on his half-hearted anger about the letter to James. Lily was sitting on her bed, phone pressed to her ear, thinking about how much she truly missed her friends from school. Lily had been feeling particularly sad when Remus had called her and just talking to him had cheered her up.
"What, I'm just saying. If you're sister marries that man, you may be related to someone who is half walrus!"
"I know, but if the walrus makes her happy... Who am I to judge her."
"But that walrus of a man doesn't want you in her life. He wants her to permanently disown you."
"I've always kinda thought that would happen, anyways." Lily said sadly.
"Lils. Don't say that. She's your sister."
"She's always hated magic, you know that. Every since I was introduced to our world, she's hated it. She asked me when I was going to give up on 'all this magic stuff' and join the real world. I have no desire to join the muggle world anymore. This world, full of magic and possibilities, is all I know now. I could never be satisfied with a normal life now."
"I guess." Remus said, but Lily could sense he wanted to say more.
"Could you ever be with a muggle?" Lily asked.
"I don't see myself with anyone." Remus replied, but Lily could hear his voice was far away.
"I mean, hypothetically. It'd be weird, right?"
"Weird?"
"Like you'd always have to hide a part of yourself from them or, if they knew, there'd always be a huge part of your life that your partner couldn't be involved in."
"And you'd be bored senseless, Lily." Lily could hear Remus smiling into the phone. "You're so full of passion and adventure. You need someone who challenges you, surprises you. Everyday would need to be an adventure for you to be happy."
"So I'm supposed to marry James Bond?" Lily laughed.
"Well there are other people around you who are exciting, who challenge you..." Remus trailed off, unsure of how much he wanted to push Lily. They usually avoided the subject of James. Remus didn't often mention what the Marauders were up to, and Lily didn't bring up any fights she'd had with James or Sirius. It was kind of an awkward understanding, but neither wanted to upset the other, so it was the best possible solution.
"Yeah, like who? Sorry but Alex McKinnon really isn't my cup of tea."
"You think Alex is exciting?" Remus exclaimed. "Have you seen my friends! Talk about excitement. Sirius has been fixing up a muggle motorcycle and plans to enchant it to fly! James discovered four different passageways out of the castle that lead straight to Hogsmead! He once went all the way to muggle London and back without being caught! Peter set fire to that horrible tapestry on the fifth floor corridor-"
"The one that shouted insults at anyone who walked by?"
"Yup, that's the one. And he enchanted the fire so that nothing else would catch fire but no water could put out the fire. It was actually brilliant."
"Are you suggesting that I date Peter, then? Because I don't think that'd end well."
"No, it certainly would not." Remus agreed, trying not to image James' wrath if he discovered that one of his best friends was dating Lily.
"Remus, I know were you're going with this." Lily sighed. "I was nice to him. I told him I wasn't interested and I apologized for being unfair to him in the past."
"But you said there was no chance you could even tolerate being civil to him!"
"Do you think that's a good idea?" Lily demanded. "Do you think we could actually be friends? That we could make it through even an entire hour without breaking into a horrible fight?"
"You told him once that you knew he never meant the words he said, that he wasn't trying to hurt you." Remus spoke softly, knowing that he was breaking the very agreement that their friendship relied on.
"But he did hurt me, Rem. I tried so hard to save Sev. I tried so hard to show him that his friends were a terrible influence, and every time James picked on him, Severus went running back to those Death Eater friends of his! He took away my best and oldest friend, and every time I think of Severus, I imagine his joining ranks with Voldemort and killing innocent people! If Sirius and James hadn't targeted Severus in first year, perhaps he would have made other friends and he could have been different! I lost my best friend, Remus. Its so hard not to be angry when Potter has three amazing friends that would do anything for him, and I lost that person in my life."
"Lily. You still have that person. You have me. You have Mary, Marlene, Alice, and Peter! You'll never be alone."
"I know, but Severus was different."
"Lily... Was Severus different because you felt differently towards him?" Remus said this slowly. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to this question.
"What? No. I wasn't in love with him." Lily left the rest unspoken: she could have been but he ruined it.
"Okay, then no more talking about him from now on."
"But-"
"No buts. You are moving on from the Severus Snape portion of you life. There are bigger and better things out there for you, Lily Evans."
"Like what?"
"Like giving James a chance."
There was silence on the other line. If Remus had known Lily less, he'd have thought that their phone connection had been dropped, but he knew Lily and he knew he'd completely shocked her.
"Not like that. But try to be civil with. You don't have to be his friend, but you also don't need to be his enemy. He's trying to be a better person."
"It's just, doesn't sound likely. We drive each other crazy."
"And you don't think there could be other reasons for that?" Remus asked. Although Remus couldn't see Lily through the phone, he could practically feel her eyes narrowing.
"What does that mean?" She asked sharply.
"Nothing, Lily. Nothing. Just think about it, yeah? I've got to go, my mom is under the impression that I'm talking to a girlfriend and she keeps making suggestive faces to me from across the room. It's rather unnerving."
"Alright. We're still meeting at the Leaky Cauldron, right?"
"Yup. 5 o'clock on Sunday!
The rest of the week passed very slowly for Lily. She'd gotten into three fights with Petunia, one of them resulting in the handle of their shared bathroom door being broken. Petunia had been locked in the bathroom for what, to Lily, had seemed like hours. Tired of waiting, Lily had threatened to break into the bathroom using magic. This, of course, caused a huge fight. By the time Petunia had screeched "freak" three times, both Lily and Petunia were clutching the bathroom door, with the former attempting to force open the door and the ladder desperately trying to keep it closed. The struggle had put too much stress on the door handle, and the locked snapped. Their parents had been furious, and both girls were forced to apologize to the other. They had apologized, however, they had spent the rest of the week simply avoiding each other.
Since her parents worked long hours, Lily spent most of the week not talking to anyone. Which was why, when Sunday rolled around, Lily was ecstatic to meet Remus. She was rather looking forward to good company, good food, and stimulating conversation.
The Leaky Cauldron was one of Lily's favorite places in Wizarding London. The pub served as the transition between Muggle London and Wizarding London. Only a witch or a wizard could see the pub, and, for that reason, she always identified with the pub. She too, was caught in the middle of two worlds.
Walking into the pub, Lily shook her head, attempting to clear her mind. She hadn't even had a drink and her mind was already wondering. However, upon entering the pub, Lily did not see Remus.
"Evans." Lily winced. That was definitely not Remus's voice.
"Potter?"
"Yeah, not who you were expecting?"
"Not at all." Lily said. "Where's Remus."
"He's not well. He wanted to send a letter, but it was too late."
"So you volunteered to come meet me?" Lily sneered.
"No, I was the only one that was able to." James sighed, looking like he desperately wished to be anywhere else. "After all, we can't even be civil, right?"
James started to walk away, leaving Lily surprised.
"Potter!" Lily called after him.
"What?" His voice was harsh and Lily took a step back. Even though James and Lily spent most of their interactions arguing, Lily had never heard this tone from him. At least not her. Potter would not meet her eyes and he didn't seem to want to be anywhere near her. Although, Lily reflected, if she'd been on the receiving end of a letter like hers, she wasn't sure she'd want to talk to herself, either.
"Is he alright?"
"Yeah." But he didn't meet Lily's eye.
"Potter, look at me!" Lily shouted, startling herself with her intensity. "He means just as much to me as he means to you. What happened?"
"He's just not doing well." Again, Potter didn't meet her eyes.
"I just want answers! I just need to know he's okay. He's my friend too."
"Not everything is your business, Evans." He spoke with that same harsh voice, but instead of stepping away, this time Lily stepped closer.
"The full moon was three days ago. He's usually better by now. I picked today so that he'd be feeling better."
Lily had only ever seen James Potter at a loss for words twice in his life. The first time, Sirius had just learned the silencing charm and found it hilarious to show his prowess by sneakily silencing his friends and watching their frustration grow. That had been in second year. The second time was after he'd asked her out for the first time and Lily had said no, assuming it was just a way to mess with Severus. She'd walked away with the image of his face in her mind, telling herself that Severus had been the reason. She'd never been able to shake the feeling she'd gotten in her stomach every time he asked her out. She'd feel a queasy sense of guilt and pictured his face in that moment, shocked and- she now realize- sad.
Potter was wearing a similar face right now, she realized.
"You know?" His voice was quiet and he glanced around the bar, making sure no was listening.
"Snape had a lot of theories. At first, I thought he was just being malicious, but then I started noticing little things. I never really thought that Remus had a rabbit."
"Lily, you can NEVER tell-"
"I've known for over a year, Potter. He's one of my best friends. I'd never tell."
James nodded, processing this information. "Let's get a drink, Evans."
Lily gave him a look, her eyes wide.
"I promise not to ask you to marry me." James added dryly. "But I have to make sure Remus' secret is safe."
Lily remained quiet for another second, gaping at Potter.
"Humor me."
Lily, realizing this issue was bigger than her feelings for James, sat down next to him.
And so, Lily and James sat down to share their first real conversation together.
Peter sat at home, feeling rather lonely. Although he had spent the last few days with his friends, he had nothing particularly exciting planned for today, and was therefore thoroughly bored. He was just deciding between taking a nap and reading a book when there was a knock on his door.
Peter opened the door to find Sirius grinning at him.
"Ah," Peter said as he allowed Sirius to step around him and come inside. "You wanted to get your arse kicked in chess again, I see."
"That was once." Sirius said dryly.
"Still happened." Peter laughed, only to realize that the mirth hadn't reached Sirius' eyes.
"What happened?" Peter demanded.
"My father asked me to make a choice tonight."
"What kind of choice?"
"He said I didn't have to return to school, that he could find a place for me in his ranks." Sirius looked directly at Peter. "He gave me a few hours to think about it, and I came straight here. If anyone could understand this, it'd be you."
"His meaning-" Squeaked before he was cut off by Sirius.
"Yes, Peter Lord Vold-"
"Don't say his name!" Peter yelled.
"Peter, I can't be a Death Eater, but my father has made it clear that if that's not what I want, then I no longer have a family."
Peter paused for a moment and regarded Sirius with a somber expression. "You have family, Padfoot, you know that. You've always had family."
"But-" Sirius began before he was cut off my Peter.
"Blood doesn't determine who your family is. You have three bothers who have your back. You always have."
Sirius didn't say anything after that, but rather sat next to Peter for a long time, soaking in his words. As the bright sun slowly dimmed and afternoon turned to dusk, Sirius realized it was time to go. He'd always known he wouldn't join ranks and become a Death Eater and he knew that he'd probably lose his family in the process, but they were still his family. It didn't make it any easier. Turning his back on the Blacks would have been easy- he'd seen enough cruelty in that house to convinced that his parents were terrible people. His brother, however, was just a boy.
But, the voice in the back of Sirius' head reminded him, he made his decision. He chose a side. His brother wasn't a boy anymore- his mind had been twisted and corrupted to the point where Sirius no longer believed that he could be saved.
"Peter," Sirius called back to his friend as he turned to leave the room. "Thanks."
"I'm always here to remind you who you truly are."
nd with that Sirius set out to do what he always knew he had to do. Hours later, he'd stand on the porch of another one of his friends' homes, homelessd but no longer alone.
James and Lily talked for the entirety of an hour, discussing Remus and his condition in coded terms. The conversation wasn't altogether unpleasant; however, Lily couldn't help feeling as if James was judging her in some way.
"…You've known for how long?"
"Beginning of term fourth year." Lily responded. She had answered this question already, of course, but James was insisting he double check her facts several times over.
Lily was fairly certain this was an interrogation.
"And you found out through Snape? But that doesn't make sense, he didn't find out until fifth year." James accused, squinting at Lily.
"The incident at the Whomping Willow? Snape actually knows?" Lily demanded.
"Yes. I pulled him away from getting eaten by Remus in werewolf form."
"What!?" Lily demanded.
"I thought you saved his life! But he was right! You- You-" Lily had to stop to take a breath, her anger was so potent that she could barely form a coherent sentence.
"It wasn't me." James almost shouted, but them remembered the secrecy of their conversation and also took a deep breath before slowly, and quietly explaining. "Sirius sometimes doesn't know his limits. He told Snape- thinking it would be funny. Of course, no one actually found the incident funny and both Snape and I almost died."
"Sirius? What? But why would he…?"
"Sirius didn't have the same upbringing as you and I did. I'm assuming a little bit here, so feel free to correct me if I am wrong. But I grew up with parents who love me no matter what, a family that wanted me to be happy above anything else. Sirius' upbringing was much darker than that. I don't know all of the specifics, but from the day I met Sirius he has always alluded that his family was evil. At first, I didn't think much of it- sometimes kids exaggerate about their families, but…"
Lily cut him off. "I know who the Blacks' are. You don't need to explain."
"But it's more than that, Evans. The blood supremacy was only a part of it. He was brought up knowing that his parents were in favor of killing someone else because of their bloodline, that they were capable of torture and cruelty, and I'm not saying that didn't damage him. But it's more than that. His family didn't show him love and that cruelty was directed him, as well. It made him willing to oppose his family simply to oppose them."
Lily looked down, slightly uncomfortable. She was unsure why Potter was telling her this, and she was positive that Sirius would not be happy that his childhood was being shared with her.
James noticed her look, and paused. "Not that he's against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named simply to oppose his parents, but when you're younger, your parents influence so much of the way you think. Had they shown him love, he may have been more open to sharing their beliefs. Am I making sense?"
Lily nodded. "You're making sense, but perhaps this isn't my business?"
"But it is! You have to understand why Sirius did what he did. He may have removed himself from his parents, but his parents still left their mark. Sirius isn't a naturally compassionate or warm person. The people he loves, he loves with his whole heart, but he was never taught compassion or forgiveness. He was taught anger and hate though, and although he tries to fight it, Sirius's greatest weakness will always be that he is completely rash, unforgiving, and can be incredibly cruel to those he does not like. Sirius will always hate Snape. He hates Snape for choosing the life he walked away from. For willingly embracing the blood supremist's ideology. Snape wasn't born into it, he chose it."
"So that makes it okay?" Lily whispered.
"No. Absolutely not. We didn't talk to Sirius for a month. Don't give me that look." James added when he saw Lily's incredulous look. "I know what you're thinking. A month of not talking to him when he almost got someone killed and almost turned one of his best friends into a murder. But Sirius is better when he's with us. He remembers that he's loved and that he has a family. It makes him a better, kinder person."
Lily and James sat quietly for a moment. Lily tried to digest the information.
"So you are saying that you are Sirius' buffer? You keep him from doing incredibly stupid and harmful things to others?"
"He didn't think about the repercussions. As soon as he did it, he regretted it. That's why he told me what he had done. So I could stop it."
"That's a lot to take in." Lily trailed off. "But did you just tell me that you're friends with Sirius out of obligation?"
"No. He's my best mate. He just needs reminding of who he is sometimes."
There was another pause, but this time the pause wasn't awkward. "You never answered my question, though. How did you know in fourth year?"
"Snape had theories. He may not have known for sure, but he guessed. He told me what I thought and I told him to drop it, but once the thought was in my head, I began to notice little details that other people didn't think about. How he would leave to visit his mother once a month. That alone wouldn't be that suspicious, but it was always during the full moon. I began to track when he left and the full moons and they always corresponded."
"And this information means what to you?" James asked, which Lily suspected was his ultimate goal of this interrogation.
"That one of my best friends has to go through immeasurable amounts of pain every month. That he will be discriminated against for the rest of his life for something that he can't change. It breaks my heart. Remus Lupin is the most selfless and kind person I have ever met, and for him to suffer- it's not fair."
James stared at Lily for a minute before reminding himself that he was attempting to get over her.
"Did I pass?" Lily asked, cocking her head to the side.
"Pass?"
"The interrogation. Do you approve of me knowing? Because I'm a little afraid that if you don't approve, the punishment is death."
"You think I'd kill you?" James asked, half joking. "Oh, no. That's what Sirius is for."
Lily stared at him for a second before bursting out laughing. James joined in as well, and the two enjoyed a pleasant moment together.
"I should go, James." James froze. She'd never called him James before. Even though he'd been telling himself to get over her, even though he knew that she would never feel the same way towards him, he couldn't slow his pounding heart. He couldn't stop the word from playing over and over in his name. "James." He could hear her voice, soft and sweet. He could feel her voice all the way down to his toes, his whole body anxious to hear his name from her lips once more.
He knew he was being ridiculous. He knew that reacting this way was borderline stalker, but he couldn't help it.
Severus Snape was not enjoying his holiday in the slightest bit. He hated being in his muggle house, where magic was forbidden. He hated that his mother cowered when his father came into the room. He hated the stench of alcohol that wafted from his father, and he hated how he still flinched when he heard his drunken father's voice.
He hated that this summer provided no escape. He could not, as he had done in the previous years, sneak off to Lily's. She wouldn't comfort him, and she wouldn't want to see him.
He had sent letters to his friends, and Roiser has invited him to stay for a few weeks, which he gladly accepted. He was with Roiser when he walked into the Leaky Cauldron.
"You could stay a few more days, if you didn't want to go back. Mother certainly won't care." Roiser was saying, but Snape's mind couldn't have been farther away from their conversation. He had frozen, feet rooted to the ground as he stared at his worst nightmare: Potter and Lily sitting at a table, wrapped up in a conversation. Lily was even laughing at what Potter had to say.
"Severus?" Roiser called, pulling him back to reality.
"What? Oh, yeah. Your house is way better than my stupid muggle father's." Snape sneered.
Roiser went to a table and sat down. Unfortunately for Severus, the table happened to be directly behind Potter and Lily's table. Severus told himself not to listen, but he couldn't help himself.
"Well, I should get back to Remus. I don't think he thought this would take so long." Potter told Lily.
"Right, of course. Tell him I hope he feels better."
"I will."
Severus was too busy hating Potter to notice the awkwardness between Lily and James. Potter started to walk away, but Lily remained standing by the table.
"James," she called.
Severus' heart sank. She was on a first name basis with him now?
"Yes?"
"Maybe, I was wrong before. Maybe we can be civil?" The last sentence came out as more of a question than a statement.
"You sure?" Potter's voice was only a little bit resentful.
"We managed today." Severus hated this conversation. How could she befriend him?
"Friends?" Potter asked much too hopefully for Severus' liking.
Lily stared at him for a moment. "Don't push it, Potter."
"Where's your sense of adventure?" Potter smirked at Lily. The prick was enjoying this.
"Must've all run out." Lily smirked back at him, before starting to walk away. Potter did too. Severus stared at the ground. His head snapped up when he Lily's voice again.
"And James?" There was that first name again.
"Yeah?"
"You're a good friend." Lily said, taking one last look at Potter and then swayed he way out of the pub, leaving both James and Severus staring at her retreating form.
James was lying on his bed, reading his Transfiguration book when he heard the familiar tapping of an owl's beak against his window. He stood up and hurried to the window to let the owl in. James recognized the owl immediately; it was the owl that had delivered his letter from Lily. He looked the letter and smiled.
Every damn time he thought he could get over her, she reminded him why he fell in love with her in the first place.
He took the letter back to his bed and continued reading his book, occasionally glancing at the words, as if to make sure they were really there.
Potter,
What the hell? I guess I need a little adventure in my life.
Cheers,
Lily
AN: Please review and let me know what you think!