I do not own the Young Riders.

The ride back to Rock Creek was a long hot one. The air was hot and dry, and the journey long and tedious, Lily was grumpy and fed up, and so was her mother.

Lou rode on the buckboard, with all of her things on the back, well the things that could fit anyway.

The boys all rode a head, except Teaspoon who travelled by Lou's side the whole way.

Teaspoon could see some changes in Lou that he didn't like. She seemed to zone out a lot, and be wary about almost everything and anyone.

Where had his confident female rider gone?

Lou didn't want to wait until she had sold her property, she was leaving with the boys and Teaspoon now. She would not spend another night at the house she had marked, the little house of horrors.

She wanted to put as much distance between her and that house, and hopefully the memories that went with it, as she could.

Jimmy couldn't help but to continue to look behind him every now and then, at the buckboard, but more importantly the woman who was atop of it.

Jimmy knew that there was something Lou wasn't telling them, and it was bugging him to no end that she didn't seem like talking about it.

He would be lying if he said that he wasn't happy Lou was coming home, hell he was ecstatic, but he like Teaspoon knew that it wasn't the same Lou that left them years ago.

He, Cody and Buck arrived back about half a day before Lou and Teaspoon, telling Rachel that Lou and he weren't far behind. The boys had decided that they wouldn't tell Rachel about Lily, they wanted her to be surprised just as they had been.

Five long hours later Teaspoon could see the sights of Rock Creek. Lou pulled the wagon to a halt and sat back to take in the sight. Letting herself get caught up in the memories, she sat and cried, while Teaspoon looked on.

She was home, and she was safe.

Her shoulders began to shake as sobs raked through her.

"Lou honey, what's wrong?" Teaspoon asked with worry.

"I wish I had never left here," she told him truthfully. "A part of me hates him, for making me." She admitted aloud.

Teaspoon was shocked for a second, but he knew deep down she couldn't really mean that. He knew that she loved Kid, and she would have followed him anywhere.

Teaspoon didn't know what to say to that, in fact he was sure that he was speechless for the first time in his life.

So he sat and he waited. He let Lou cry her wee heart out, while his broke some. He didn't like seeing her like this, and all he wanted to do was take her to the station.

After a minute or two, Lou wiped her eyes, muttered a small apology to Teaspoon, and set the wagon in motion once again.

"Riders coming," Rachel hollered as she raced down the steps of the main house and into the yard. Lou pulled the wagon to a halt and jumped off of the buckboard.

"Rachel," Lou cried as she ran into her friends awaiting arms.

"Oh Lou honey, I've missed you so much," Rachel cried back as she hugged Lou for dear life. Rachel pulled back and took Lou's face into her hands, "I'm so sorry about Kid, Lou."

"Me too," Lou said sadly, and she was. "But I have something, well someone to remind me of him," Lou smiled as she turned to look at the wagon where Teaspoon was lifting Lily up and out of the back.

"Oh Lou," Rachel cried out for the second time today, she reached down and grabbed Lou's hand to pull her over to where Lily and Teaspoon were walking over.

"What's your name pretty girl?" Rachel smiled as she reached up to play with one of Lily's curls.

"This is Lily," Teaspoon answered proudly, while looking to Lou in complete admiration. "The new apple of our eye," giving Lou a wink he handed Lily over to her.

"Well let's get you girls settled into the house," Rachel insisted.

"Can Lily and I stay in the bunkhouse?" Lou asked Rachel. She didn't want to hurt her friend but Lou would feel more comfortable there than in the house. "Believe it or not I've missed the place, and the boys snoring." Lou smiled trying to make light of it, but she really wanted to sleep with the boys, it made her feel safer.

"Sure Lou, we'll get the boys to give you a hand."

By the time they were finished there were four beds, one in every corner, and Lily's cot tucked up close to Lou's bed.

Teaspoon thought maybe they might have to put an extension on.

.

.

The small family spent the next few days trying to gel again. It had been years since they were all together and it took a while for them to know each other again.

The nights were spent filling each other in on stories, and in the boys case mischief they had gotten up to in the last couple of years.

Lou sat and cringed every time Cody or Jimmy bought up the army. She loathed army stories, but tried to grin and bear it when the two men spoke so proudly and fondly of their time there and the people they had met.

Of course Lou wasn't as discreet as she wished she was, Teaspoon and the boys would notice how quiet she would go, and how her back would stiffen. Of course they didn't know the reason why Lou would react that way, they just pegged it down to Kid.

They also noticed Lou didn't have much to share, and Rachel joked one night about Lou living like a hermit, of course when Rachel looked to Lou her smile faded.

Was she right in thinking that her dear friend had kept to herself for all these years? 'That can't be healthy', she thought to herself. She tried to think of something to ask Lou about her time.

"Lou you haven't told me about how Lily came into this world," Rachel begun, but the boys all cringed and a crude comment about already knowing how babies were made, had Rachel asking her question differently.

"Oh god no, I mean the birth." She laughed,

"Not much to tell. I think it went all pretty well, just like any other I mean." Rachel frowned at the lack of information Lou was giving her.

Lou, seeing that Rachel was disappointed with the little she had just shared, she sighed and sat back to tell her and the boys the rest of it.

"I was down by the river. It had been such a hot day and my feet were so hot and swollen that all I wanted to do was paddle my feet in the cool water." Lou smiled at the memory.

"My back had also been killing me all through the night, so I wanted to walk it off." Lou couldn't believe how clueless she was. "I threw a stone into the river, trying to make it across to the other side, when my waters broke. At first I panicked," she laughed, "But then reality hit when I realised I was miles from home and I was alone."

Rachel got comfortable as she listened. "I started making my way home, but only got as far as the barn, when I couldn't go any further. I managed to crawl my way inside, leaning up against the hay bales. Lily was born bout five minutes after that." Lou finished thinking she didn't need to go into any gory details, especially with the boys here.

"You gave birth to Lily by yourself?" Rachel asked in a saddened amazement.

"I did," Lou said looking to her friend, "I mean it was alright everything went alright." Lou began to stress thinking she had done something wrong.

Rachel looked from Lou to Teaspoon and then the boys. She could see the same sad look in their eyes, as what she was sure was reflected in her own.

"Why didn't you write me Lou? I would have come to you and helped you through that last month or so," Rachel told her feeling somewhat hurt that Lou wouldn't call upon her.

"Rachel I wanted to be the one to tell Kid about our child. I wanted him to be with me, to help me, to deliver our baby, I'm sorry if that hurts you but I didn't want anyone else, I wanted him." Lou told Rachel hating that she had upset her friend.

Teaspoon and the boys remained silent. Teaspoon could see how upset his dear Rachel was, and he could see why she would be hurt, hell he was a little hurt himself. The thought of Lou out there by herself, and giving birth by herself scared him.

Sure there are plenty of women out there in the same way, but they were not his Louise.

Cody and Buck were just amazed by Lou. First in the way the small farm looked when they had arrived, then the fact she was a mother, she was a strong women.

Jimmy on the other hand was angry. His anger was not for Lou, but for Kid. Did he have any idea what he was leaving behind? He knew that Lou didn't want him going off to fight but he went any way, and that pissed Jimmy off.

"Lou I won't say I'm not hurt, because I am. Giving birth can be dangerous, and when I think of you alone and doing that by yourself it truly upsets me. Now in saying that, Lily is the most beautiful wee thing I have ever seen. You should be proud of yourself." Rachel ended with a smile, hoping that there were no bad feelings between her and Lou.

"She is isn't she?" Lou smiled.

.

.

Days rolled into weeks and weeks rolled into months. The small family seemed to have picked up where they left off in no time. Lou hadn't ventured to far past the old station; she wasn't ready for the thousands of questions she was sure she was going to get.

Of course the fact that she hadn't been around others in some time had a lot to do with it as well. The last time she met a stranger it turned out bad for her, she didn't have any trust in those she did not know.

The boys finished up in the barn before cleaning themselves up and heading to the bunkhouse for hopefully a hot meal.

This was soon becoming the boys favourite time of the day. Lily had brought them all such happiness in just the short time she had been here. They were all smitten, and had them all thinking of their own futures and how much they would like to add to their small family.

They walked into the bunkhouse to see that Rachel, Teaspoon and Lily were already seated at the table while it looked like Lou was putting some finishing touches on the meal.

"Lou?" Jimmy asked cocking his head to the side.

"Jimmy," Lou smiled while she placed the meal she had made on the table.

"When did you learn to cook?" He asked, hoping like hell she had, had some lessons.

"I've had a couple of years to practice Jimmy,"

Cody looked to the food, then to Lily, with a shrug of his shoulders he dug in. It couldn't be all that bad if Lou and Lily were still breathing.

"Not bad Lou." Cody said as he dug his fork in for some more potato, "You know Lily, your Mama's cooking use to be so bad," he placed the potato in his mouth, closing his eyes in ecstasy as he tasted how smooth Lou had whipped them, "Mmmm, but she has got it right now." He smiled looking to the small girl across from him.

After supper the boys were readying themselves for a night out at the saloon. Cody had his eye on a very pretty lady he had been seeing around the town. He didn't know too much about her, but he did over hear her talking to her friend earlier today, saying that she was going to the saloon tonight.

Jimmy had just had a shower and headed into the bunkhouse to prepare for his night. He walked in on Teaspoon and Lou talking.

"Mama," Lily said as she pointed to her doll that lay in her cot. Jimmy watched as Lou adjusted Lily on her hip, while she still chatted to Teaspoon, and walked over to grab the wee girls' doll.

Lou was a natural, it all seem to come so easily for her. What a fool Kid was, Jimmy thought. Kid had a good thing going on, and he allowed his stupid beliefs to ruin it.

"What do you think Hickok?" Teaspoon asked.

Jimmy looked up to the old man not knowing what he was on about.

"The house Jimmy."

"Um-err-uh..." Jimmy stuttered looking from Teaspoon and Lou hoping one of them would help him out with some sort of clue to what they were talking about, that involved the house.

"Do you think that we should add on here, or venture out and buy a bigger place, with some land?" Teaspoon asked annoyed while Lou looked amused.

"Ok, well what do you both want to do?" he asked hoping for some more information before he gives his decision.

"No you don't get off that easy, have a think about it and pick one." Lou told him not giving anything away.

Jimmy thought about it for a minute. The station was good because it was close to town, but now with Lily here wouldn't it be safer to have her somewhere a little less busy?

And what were he and the boys going to do with their time? Starting a ranch was always something that they all talked about.

"I think get a bigger place." He smiled feeling happy he made a good decision.

"Exactly," Teaspoon said raising his hands up to the sky before turning back to Lou with a pleased look on his face.

"I just don't want you changing your lives because Lily and I are here." Lou told him.

"Why not? You are both family, besides a miracle may happen and one of the boys may meet someone as well, we will need a bigger place."

Lou smiled at Jimmy she hoped all the boys found a nice woman, ones that would treat them right.

"Teaspoon if that is what you want, I am happy to do that. But I will insist that we try and sell my place and whatever money I get from it will contribute to the property."

"Alright honey it's a done deal." said Teaspoon excitedly. He was over the moon that she had agreed, and he already knew how the others felt.

Feeling happy with himself he headed over to the main house to start making floor plans for his house.

Rachel passed him on his way over, but laughed when he heard him whispering about extra bedrooms, and a porch swing.

She walked in to see Lou was readying Lily for Bed, while Jimmy was heading out the door with his boots and polish in his hands.

"You boys heading out?" Rachel asked,

"Yeah. I'm just waitin' on Buck and Cody." Jimmy told her.

"You should take Lou with you." Rachel suggested thinking it would be good for Lou to get out and about.

She was convinced that Lou's moods were her just mourning Kid. Lou needed to not forget Kid but to see that there is life after him as well. Rachel knew that the Kid would have wanted Lou to live and to love again.

"If she wants to go, I would love for her to join us." Jimmy said, but not believing that Lou would agree to come out for a drink.

"I'll ask her," was all Rachel said as she headed into the bunkhouse.

She walked further through the door to see Lou was helping Lily into her singlet and nightgown. Rachel placed the pile of clothing she had in her arm down onto the table.

"Lou you should go out with the boys, meet some new people." Rachel said as she came and sat on the bed next to Lily. Lou looked to Rachel wondering where the hell that had come from.

"Don't you look at me like that Louise. You have hardly ventured out since you got here, you need to meet some new people, make a life for yourself here." Lou knew that what Rachel was saying was true, and in fact she had been thinking the same thing.

Lily hadn't been around to many people, and Lou knew that wasn't right. Lily loved Rachel, Teaspoon and the boys and that shouldn't stop there. Lily needs to also be around children her own age as well.

"Lou why don't you go for a drink with the boys, I'll watch Lily." Rachel told her friend. Lou thought about it, and why the idea of leaving her daughter was one she had never considered, a night off sounded wonderful.

"Thanks Rachel, it would be good to get out for a bit." Rachel was impressed with Lou. She really thought she may have had a fight on her hands.

After getting Lily prepared for bed, Lou passed her baby girl over to her friend with a promise to come over and say goodbye once she is dressed.

Lou quickly changed out of her yard clothes and decided that she would wear a dress tonight.

"Come on Lou," Cody yelled impatiently, he was itching to see the young women he had seen earlier.

"I'm coming, hold your horses," Lou shouted back as she fixed the last bobby pin in her hair. She walked out of the bunkhouse, smiling when she saw the boys straighten themselves as soon as they noticed her.

"I'll just go kiss Lily goodnight," She told them as she gathered her dress up in front of her to run across the yard.

With a gentle kiss and a thousand I love you, Lou re-joined the boys. She knew that Lily was safe with Rachel and Teaspoon, so her mind was at ease walking away for an hour or two.

The four friends walked to the saloon. Memories of the past flooding each of their minds. Lou swallowed back the emotion of the ones who were lost, and for her Kid, how she was a fool to not tell him about Lily. She wished she could turn back time, and put up a fight when he had told her that he wanted to fight in the stupid war.

Walking into the saloon the friends soon earned looks from the many ladies looking for a man, and much to Jimmy's disgust, possible suitors for Lou. Lou is a beautiful woman, and her body has definitely gone through some changes since having Lily, and the fact that other men had noticed, as well as him, pissed him off.

"What can I get you Lou?" Jimmy asked holding out a chair next to what looks like an intense card game, as his eyes narrowed at every man that were watching them.

"Wine," she smiled remembering their night in Willow Springs. Jimmy smiled back before walking up to the bar to order.

"Where is she?" Cody asked bouncing his knee impatiently.

"Where's who Cody?" Buck asked back, flicking Lou a wink and a crooked smile.

"Yeah Cody, who is she?" Lou taunted.

"Just a girl. No scratch that, a woman, who I have my eye on." Cody beamed.

"Lou," Jimmy said coming back to the table with her glass of wine, and a drink for the boys.

"Thanks Jimmy,"

"Ah there she is," Cody sighed as he relaxed in his chair. Lou followed Cody's gaze to see an absolutely stunning blonde with big ringlets and a beautiful dress.

"She's beautiful Cody," Lou whispered to Cody, holding his arm.

"She aint' the only one," Jimmy whispered back as he leaned into Lou's ear.

"That was so corny Jimmy," she laughed, as did Buck and Cody.

"You know Lou it's good to see you smile." Buck told her, to which Jimmy and Cody agreed.

"I suppose I hadn't had too much to smile about in the last few years." Lou said sadly, "Well except Lily."

"You are an amazing mother," Jimmy stated.

"Thank you, that means a lot."

"Who is that she is talking to?" Cody wondered out loud, changing the subject. The others turned their heads in the same direction as Cody.

"Matthew. The blacksmiths son" Buck smirked loving that his friend had competition. Cody just expected the girls to fall all over him; he could never imagine wooing a girl.

"I don't know what your smirking at Buck Cross, at least he's trying to find a girl." Lou taunted. She hoped that all the boys found someone special.

"I know that the right ones out there Lou, when it's meant to be it will happen." Lou smiled at her friend Buck. She loved his care free attitude, and wished she was more like him.

The four friends sat and talked, catching up on more of their time apart. All four of them loved that their friendship had soon picked up right where it left off.

"So what did you get up to all by yourself out there Lou?" Jimmy asked, changing the subject off of him. "I mean in two to three years you must have made some friends or..."

"No. I kept to myself mostly." Lou said cutting him off.

"Well you are a strong woman to stay out there by yourself and run that farm." Buck stated as he took another sip of his drink.

"I'm not that strong." Stupid maybe, but not strong, she thought to herself.

"I don't know. Most women I know would have been scared." Buck added, with Jimmy nodding in agreement.

"They'd be right to." Lou said softly, making the boys frown at her. Lou lifted her glass and took a sip of her wine. "I use to keep a pair of Kid's boots by the door, so if any visitor came it would look like a man lived there." She laughed without humour. "Fat lot of good it did me." She told them before taking a large sip of her wine.

Buck, Jimmy and Cody all looked to one another. Something had happened. They had thought so since seeing her again.

"Something happen Lou?" Cody asked.

Lou looked to Cody, then to Buck and Jimmy. She loved these boys, they were her family, but could she trust them enough to tell them what happened? I mean it took her forever to tell Kid about Wicks', and when she did, it was the hardest conversation she has ever had.

But it did feel good to share the load.

Keeping something like that locked away in your heart, and your head, can plague you, and what that army Captain did is eating her alive. He degraded her, humiliated her, and made her hate nurturing her own daughter. Just thinking about that night had her insides aching.

So with a sigh she grabbed her drink in her hand and sat forward in her chair. She wanted to get this out as quietly and as quickly as she could, and she hoped that her friends would still be able to look at her after she had finished.

"One night a small Calvary called past my place. One of them came and told me that they would be camping out on my land and that they needed fresh water. I suggested that they head towards town." Lou's detached voice was scaring the boys.

"I told him Kid was coming back soon, I guess he didn't believe me, which he had every right not to, as I was lying through my teeth, but he pushed his way into my home all the same. I could see he was searching for clues for a husband." The noise in the saloon was drowned out as the boys listened dreading what was coming.

"He saw Kid's confederate flag in my room. He asked if Kid was out hunting Union. Lily was crying and I asked him again to please leave, for Lily's sake. I opened the door for him but he ...he..." Lou couldn't say it. She was on the verge of losing whatever resolve she had. She shouldn't be telling them like this, not in the saloon. What the hell was she thinking? This was most definitely not the time or the place.

"He what Lou?" Jimmy asked carefully. Lou shook her head no, silently telling Jimmy she couldn't say the words. "He touch Lily?" Jimmy asked. Lou's eyes grew big as saucers as she shook her head no. "He touch you?" the first tear slipped from Lou's eye.

Confirmation enough for Buck, but Jimmy waited for Lou's word. She looked down at the table and nodded her head. And while she was hurting, it felt good to let some of her hurt go.

She knew that it was probably unfair to tell the boys her burden, but she hoped that if they knew then they would prevent it from ever happening again.

"How bad?" asked Jimmy wanting to know if she had just been pushed around a bit, or taken. Of course in his gut he knew he didn't have to ask.

"The worst." Lou said quietly, trying to swallow the bile that sat in her throat as memories tried to flood her mind.

The table of friends went quiet. Jimmy's hand went from his whiskey, to his colt, back to his whiskey. He wanted to hurt something or someone.

"They were Union?" Cody asked not believing he was fighting amongst men who would do that.

"Yes,"

"And he raped you?" Cody confirmed through gritted teeth. Jimmy was sitting there feeling sicker by the minute.

"Yes," Lou sobbed, hoping that her boys wouldn't look at her any differently.

"Do you know his name?" Buck asked softly.

Shaking her head she said 'no'.

"How long ago?"

"Lily was only a baby," Lou shook her head not really knowing how long ago it was, as in her mind it still felt like yesterday.

Jimmy looked to the boys, not knowing what to say about this. He wanted to know every sorted detail. Every touch the sick bastard made every word he spoke. He wanted to dissect it for any clue to who would do this, then he wanted to store it away for the day that he came face to face with the coward who would do that to a women.

"Anything else?" Jimmy asked, "I mean did he just leave, he hasn't bothered you since?"

"No." Lou's mind went back to that night, "After...he left, I barricaded myself in Lily's room. When I let myself out in the morning, the house had been ransacked, and all my food had been eaten." Lou shook her head as if to clear it, "I couldn't believe a respected man in uniform could do the things he did, and say the things he said."

They sat still and quiet once again, all thinking about the same thing, but all thinking about it in different ways.

"I'm so sorry I told you..." Lou begun, but was soon cut off.

"Excuse me, Cody is it?" Interrupted the girl Cody had been eyeing earlier. Cody was still staring at Lou, and hadn't even seen or heard the girl approach.

"Ah yes, yes it is."

"I'm Tiffany," she smiled with confidence, making Lou jealous in an instant. "Would you like to talk, have a drink?"

Cody was still looking at Lou, making Tiffany think that she picked up on the wrong vibe earlier.

Lou nodded her head at Cody, trying to tell him silently to go, but he wasn't getting it. So finding her voice and her strength she looked up at Tiffany.

"He would love to buy you a drink, isn't that right Cody?" Lou then smiled back down at Cody, 'Please' she whispered. She didn't want to be the reason he stayed and missed out on getting to know her better.

"Yeah that's right," Cody got up and out of his chair, but before leaving with Tiffany he leant over and kissed Lou lovingly on the cheek, making a silent promise to her and him that she wouldn't ever have to go through that again.

But what Cody didn't know, and Buck and Jimmy did, was Lou had already been through something like that before.

Jimmy would never forget the day Kid came to him, Buck and Teaspoon. Lou had shared with him what a man called Wicks had done to her. He was devastated and needed his brothers' shoulders to cry on. He couldn't cry in front of Lou, or more her wouldn't cry in front of Lou.

"Lou I..."

"No Jimmy, please I shouldn't have told you, not like this, not here." Lou said as she took a sip of her wine.

"That's where you're wrong Lou. I want you to be able to tell me anything, and if not me someone else at this table or back at the house." Jimmy thought about it all for a few minutes, "Is that why you wanted to sleep in the bunkhouse? You feel safer with us around."

"Yes, and that is why I wanted you to know too. I know I have no right in asking you this, but please don't let that happen again, please can you not let another man..."

"Never." Both Buck and Jimmy replied.