Author's Notes: I had difficulty with this chapter, so clearly, the best thing to do it overwrite it, flub through the editing process, then post it anyways. Seems legit.

Incidentally, having one psych degree does not equal an automatic counselor, especially if it's a bachelor's. Just thought I should bring this up.

Joker and EDI greet her at the bridge.

"Specialist Traynor. Is there something we can help you with?" EDI inquiries.

"Anything either of you would like to put on the requisition orders?"

"Can we get leather seats? You seriously can't believe how much your ass will hurt until you spend ten hours a day in this chair." Joker rocks in his seat as if to prove his point.

"No, but I can put in a note with Dr. Chakwas to check yours later if you want."

"Nah, it's okay. She checks it enough."

Traynor thinks Joker has a tendency to share too much information at times.

"Other than extravagantly comfy leather seats, is there anything else you two need?"

"Can you get me a candy bar from the mess hall? I'm feeling kind of peckish." Joker looks back hopefully.

Traynor frowns. "First of all, they're called meal replacement supplement bars. And secondly, no."

"Aww, but Kelly did it."

"Kelly?"

"Kelly Chambers, our last yeoman. She used to come up and bring me food on the bridge. She used to do a lot of things. Or tried to anyways." Joker smirks. Traynor wonder what he means, but the expression on his face looks slightly perverted. She decides that it's better not to ask.

"Well, that's the difference. I'm not a yeoman. I'm a comm specialist."

"But you're still doing butt-monkey yeoman work anyways, like asking for requisition orders."

That's not-Joker has a point.

"We all need to pitch in. After all, the Normandy is flying with barely more than a skeleton crew and-"

"You don't have to tell me what the Normandy is flying with. I'm more than aware." Joker shifts through various regulatory flight panels with rapid flicks of his wrist. His jaw tenses for a moment then eases. Traynor almost thinks she imagined it.

He continues, "Anyways, do you mind dropping down and grabbing me a 'meal replacement supplement bar'? Oooh, and get the kind with raisins."

EDI pipes in, "If you really would like one, Jeff. I can personally retrieve it. It would give me a further opportunity to accustom the crew to my new platform."

"No, EDI. If you're down in the mess hall, then you're not here. Get it?" EDI doesn't look like she does. "Besides, I need plenty of accustoming too." He looks at Traynor. His eyes grow large, and his mouth sets itself into a pout. "Please? Pretty please? Raisins?"

"No. Because I am not still not a yeoman or Miss Chambers."

"Pftt…Kelly would have noted 'meanness to Alliance pilots' on your psych evaluation."

"I'm sure I would be crushed." Traynor pauses. "Psych evaluation?"

"Some kind of psychological health reports that had her snooping around the crew. Said I use humour and sarcasm as defensive mechanisms to help deal with my real emotions."

"Really? I can't imagine why she'd say so."

Joker scowls. "Hey, there's a hell of a lot of people who needed it more than I did. Everyone who worked for Cerberus and thought they were actually helping, for one thing.

"She had a bunch on everyone in the commander's combat squad. Especially Zaeed."

Za-who?

"What did she say?"

Joker glances at Traynor. "Why do you care?"

"Alliance soldier."

"Ah, right. Well, she didn't really slap on any labels like passive-aggressive, neurotic mess hall sergeant-that one's mine, by the way-but she did make comments to the crew whenever she thought someone was close to losing it."

"Wouldn't that be a breach of confidential matter?"

"Hey, that's what I said too. She said it wasn't because she technically wasn't a qualified doctor, and the reports were really just her impressions. Then, why the hell was she sending in her reports regularly to Miranda? Well, she said-"

Joker talks a lot. Traynor tries to steer the conversation back on track.

"Was there anything out of sorts on her reports?"

"What do you mean out of sorts?"

"Well, anything that would concern the crew, I would think. It wouldn't do much for team confidence if one or more of its members has repeated fantasies of murdering everyone in their sleep." Traynor laughs. Joker doesn't.

Oh, god.

"I mean-"

"Given who we were flying with, it's a miracle she only stuck to one book about all of us. Well, most of us."

"Did she say anything about the commander?" Traynor is careful to keep her tone disinterested enough.

"She had a whole volume on Shepard. Something about nightmares, blah, blah, blah, dream interpretations, blah, blah, blah, something Jung." Joker looks over to the AI in the co-pilot's seat. "Do you remember what the reports say?"

"There are 132 reports expressing concern over the psychological well-being of Commander Shepard in addition to various correspondence between Operative Lawson and Yeoman Chambers about said reports."

"Can you tell us the gist of it for those of us who don't run on a memory databank the size of Garrus' ego?"

"Certainly. One moment."

Traynor glances at the AI nervously. Maybe she's going too far this time, delving into the commander's so-called mental health reports, but before she can stop EDI, the AI finishes her compilation.

"Commander Shepard is relatively mentally healthy in relation to her squad but she does express some symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, which is currently being treated. She also suffers from frequent bouts of anger and depression at the various responses she has received to her appearance since her death. She has experienced a relapse into flashbacks and insomnia after meeting with former Normandy crew mate Kaidan Alenko on Horizon. Further monitoring is recommended."

Traynor finds her chest tightening painfully at the word Horizon. Fragmented memories barrage her eyes. She can't seem to breathe. She is paralyzed. Her parents' screams resound around their home as she watches them being pulled out the door. Then the swarm comes again, and the screams stop. The smell of rotted flesh and something overly sterile assaults her nose. She suffocates.

Traynor closes her eyes. She counts to ten and pushes the memories back.

Joker snorts. "Kaidan was an asshole."

"Major Alenko has shown signs of remorse regarding his outburst on Horizon since. He has attempted to contact Shepard several times to apologize," EDI refutes.

"Well, maybe he wouldn't need to apologize if he'd just heard her out first."

"Jeff, you have talked with Major Alenko several times while the Normandy was incarcerated. I know that you are not as angry at him as you make it seem."

Joker scowls. "I'm not, but it still ticks me off. For a guy who claims that he cares about the commander, he sure did a shitty job of showing it."

Major Alenko? And Commander Shepard?

Traynor asks, "Did they use to date?"

"Kaidan wishes. For some reason, he thought hanging back and giving the commander puppy eyes was the best way to ask a girl out." Joker shakes his head. "Maybe if they dated, he would've gone with her when she asked. Or maybe he wouldn't," Joker muses, "Liara didn't."

What is Joker implying between Dr. T'Soni and Shepard? Traynor is about to ask when EDI cuts in.

"Jeff," her tone is sharp, "remember what Liara has said about you talking about her personal life-"

"Yeah, yeah. With her mind. I got it." Joker looks back at Traynor. "If Liara asks, I never brought her up, right? I prefer to keep my insides intact, thank you very much."

Now, Traynor is really curious. She makes a note to try and get an interview with Dr. T'Soni when she has the chance.

She tries to probe the topic a bit more, but Joker is warier of what he says now. Apparently, he takes whatever threat Dr. T'Soni has made rather seriously. Frustrating, but Traynor is surprised that everything overall has gone very smoothly. It was almost easy.

Too easy.

Joker is starting to give her odd looks from her inquiries. She decides that a graceful exit down the bridge would be the wisest course of action. She almost makes it out when EDI looks at her.

"Specialist, I have a question."

Traynor hesitates. "Yes?"

At the specialist's expression, EDI elaborates. "It is a simple query, and it will only take a moment to answer it. It would add to my understanding of human reactions at novel stimuli as well."

Well…Traynor doesn't see any harm in a simple question as long as it's quick. "Go ahead and ask."

"I heard you talking with Garrus about my new platform some time ago, and-"

Oh, dear lord. Traynor takes it back.

" -I would be interested to hear your professional opinion on it."

"Really?" Joker perks at the question. He spins around. "Do tell."

"Don't you have a ship to be flying?" Traynor scrambles for a way to avoid this conversation.

"Nah, EDI can cover me for a minute." Jeff tilts his head to the side and rests his chin in the palm of his hand."So, what do you think of her new body?"

"It's… nice."

"Nice where?"

Traynor ignores him.

EDI urges her on. "It is imperative that I gather data about the crew's reactions to my new platform. Hostile or distrustful responses will result in a decreased overall efficiency of crew performance, and I would prefer to maintain this platform but not at the expense of the Normandy's efficiency. Jeff's opinion is biased."

"Hey, my opinion is just as objective as anyone else's! I just use more enthusiasm when I say it. Nothing wrong with being enthusiastic."

"Your new body is something to get used to, I admit, but it seems to suit you well."

"Oh, c'mon. I bet that wasn't what you were talking about with Garrus." Joker wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Ew.

"As much as I would love to stay on the bridge and chat about EDI's body, I must really get around to finishing the 'butt-monkey yeoman work', as you put it." Traynor turns to leave. She mentally pats herself on the back for how smoothly that came out.

Joker sighs. "Fine, I'll just call Garrus to see what you guys were talking about."

On second thought, Traynor can certainly spare a moment to elucidate her statement.

"I think, given the capabilities of your new platform, it would provide an invaluable asset to gathering combat data in a real-time, high-pressure scenario. It would also boost crew morale to be able to talk to you face-to-face, and get to know you as more than just a ship interface with a pretty voice. And yes, that was what we were talking about, Joker." Don't call her bluff, don't call her bluff, don't call her bluff...

"A very logical assessment. Thank you, Traynor."

Joker snorts. "You copped out." But he seems satisfied with the explanation.

"Oh, and what do you think of it?"

"Oh, I agree. I think she will bring wonderful assets to the team, which are going to be morally up-lifting, thereby perking-"

Scratch that. Traynor doesn't want to know what he thinks.

"I get the idea. You don't need to go on."

He frowns at her. "Prude."

"I am not."

"Traynor is correct." EDI chips in. "A label of sexual conservativeness would be inappropriately applied to her. According to my records, the percentage of overlapping pornographic material downloaded between you and Jeff is 48.3%."

The bridge is silent.

LIES. This conversation is not happening.

Traynor opens and closes her mouth. Nothing comes out. She can't even get a single word of denial out. Great, now it really does seem like she watches it.

Joker's eyes are far too wide. "Holy shit, for real? Oh man, we need to compare notes! I was just watching Embracing Eternity: Into the Deep Blue and I thought it was me but one of the actresses looked like she was faking it. Maybe you can give me a second opinion since you're also into this kind of stuff-"

NOT HAPPENING.

"That was a joke," EDI clarifies a second later.

"Oh." Joker is quiet for a moment. "Well, could you check anyways when you have free time?"

"The actual percentage is 69.7%."

"I don't download pornography!" Traynor does not watch that sort of cheap...filth!

"My mistake. Would erotic adult romance be a more apt name for the subject?"

No.

"Hell, yes!" Joker looks at Traynor slyly. "So, what is your favourite 'erotic adult romance'? Is it Vaenia? Asari Confessions 26: True Blue? Azure: The Illium Edition?"

"I don't watch any of those! And I don't have any 'adult romances' either."

"Oh, c'mon. Not even a little? Even Shepard has one or two favourite vids."

What? Commander Shepard has…?

No, this is not what she wanted to find out about her.

But…

No.

BUT-

NO.

"I don't care, Joker. I don't do that."

"Fine, okay. If you're not comfortable with admitting it, that's cool." He shrugs and turns back to his flight board. "But you can at least admit that you have a crush on a certain someone, right?"

The specialist's insides turn to ice.

Oh, god. Does everyone on this damn ship know?

"I don't-"

"When you spend your entire life sitting on the sidelines, you get to damn well noticing when someone else is watching too." He glances at EDI. His fingers falter on the screens.

Joker turns around and leans back in his chair. "So, when are you going to tell her?"

Traynor shakes her head. "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a crush on-did you say her?"

"Well, yeah." Joker looks confused. "Isn't it obvious?"

Traynor is surprised. She hadn't thought Joker was that perceptive.

"I mean, if you like the vids I like, it's definitely not a him."

Oh, for-

"For the last time, that was a joke. Right, EDI?"

"Of course. I had detected varying physiological patterns from you in the main battery that suggested stress and thought a joke would reduce the tension."

Traynor rubs her face. "For future reference, I don't appreciate jokes that have people leaping to conclusions about my off-hour…interests."

"Noted. I will assimilate this experience into my data banks."

Joker looks back and forth between EDI and Traynor. "Hey, you didn't answer my question."

Traynor says, "Your question was based on a fictitious allegation."

"Yeah, but you didn't deny you had a crush on a her, did you?"

No, she didn't.

Dammit.

"The Alliance looks down on fraternization-"

Joker snorts. "Who cares? In case you haven't noticed, the universe is going to hell in a hand basket. I doubt any of the Alliance brass will court-martial you if you've been banging someone on the crew when they've got Reapers breathing down their necks."

Traynor frowns. That was the only excuse that came to mind. Now what?

"Yes, but I-"

"Look, you don't have to tell me the name. I can guess who it is." Joker shifts his eyes over to the AI in the co-pilot's seat. He whispers, "EDI's a bit of a blabbermouth."

"I am right here, Jeff."

"Yes, you are, EDI." Joker looks pensive. He rubs his hand along his bearded chin. "Actually, EDI, can you grab that meal whatever bar from the mess hall now?"

"If you're trying to get some privacy, it's going to be hard since EDI picks up everything if you don't engage the privacy lock," Traynor points out then freezes.

EDI picks up everything. No privacy lock. Main battery.

She needs to talk to EDI. Now.

The AI looks at her. Her expression is unreadable.

"Jeff, Specialist Traynor needs to go. Engineer Adams has been asking for a long time for a KX-37G heat dispersal unit to help redistribute the electric discharge-"

"Got it. Need a thingy to get rid of heat-static thingies. All right, you can go. I've got a pretty good idea of who it could be anyways." He winks at the specialist.

Traynor isn't sure that he does. She hopes that he doesn't. She beats feet out of the bridge and makes her way to the nearest empty room.

The Starboard Observation Chamber is quiet and peaceful. The lights are soft and low. The floor is swept clean while the seats look untouched. It feels sterile and lonely. It reminds her of Shepard's room.

"EDI." Traynor's voice comes out higher than she intends. She clears her throat and starts again. "Did you hear what Garrus and I were talking about down in the main battery."

"If it is about Commander Shepard, then yes."

Traynor takes a breath. "What did you understand from it?"

"Given the context of that discussion and the one you have just had with Jeff and I, I would conclude that you are seeking information on Commander Shepard due to a romantic or sexual attraction.

"Is my assumption incorrect?"

"Yes," Traynor quickly answers.

"My mistake. Your physiological patterns when talking to Shepard indicated either fear or arousal. Within the social context, I had interpreted it as the latter. From now on, I will assume that the changes in your heart rate whenever you are talking to the commander represents complete and absolute terror."

Traynor is pretty sure EDI is messing with her. She is almost impressed.

"That was a-"

"I know." Traynor bites her lip. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't go around sharing your…interpretations…with the other crew members. Especially with Commander Shepard. Or Garrus. And definitely Joker." She doesn't know what she'll do with the latter two.

"Request acknowledged. I will not speak of my theories about your reactions to Shepard to anyone. However, I have a request of my own."

Traynor is wary. "What is it?"

"Jeff has expressed attachment to me, which largely resembles yours to the commander. I have found that I enjoy the attention from him. Would it be uncomfortable for me to ask you for advice on how to maintain it?"

Yes.

"I don't know if I'm the best person to ask about how to keep a man interested." Traynor fidgets with her fingers. "Perhaps, someone else would be more suitable."

"There are not many I trust to be discrete on the matter. I have found that Normandy personnel have a tendency to spend hours discussing the affairs of others. I believe the common term associated with this behaviour is 'nosy'."

"And you believe that I could keep this information to myself?"

"My monitoring records have shown repeated occurrences where you did not share personal information about the others, despite your discoveries, such as an incident where you found Lieutenant Cortez underneath the engineering deck and comforted-"

"All right. I'll help however I can." Traynor does not want to relive that particular awkward moment. She had never really wanted to see a grown man cry before. Especially on her.

An idea occurs to her. "Wait, EDI. If you monitor people's physiological levels, what are Commander Shepard's like when she talks to me?"

"I am sorry, Traynor. Shepard has requested that I do not answer anyone except Dr. Chakwas when asked for her patterns. She says she does not want to worry any of the crew members."

Traynor sighs. "But you gave out her psych reports info so easily."

"Shepard did not request I limit access to the information. She says she finds the reports an inaccurate account of her mental health."

Shepard doesn't think she may have psychological issues after dying and being resurrected to fight more unknown space horrors. Reassuring.

"Well, we got that all sorted out. You keep my secret, and I'll keep yours. Sounds good?"

"Agreed. While I may not be able to directly inform you of the commander's physiological responses to you, I may still guide you in your endeavours. I may even guide the commander as well. I believe this particular role is called a 'match-maker', as humans have phrased it. I look forward to playing the part."

Goody. That's exactly what she needed.

Before Traynor leaves and actually gets to work, there's something she has to know.

"EDI, do you have access to any records regarding Shepard's previous…er…dating experience?"

"Yes. Shepard has also restricted those files too."

Of course, she did.

Traynor wonders why things can't be simple sometimes. She would kill to be able to have a straightforward conversation about the commander: Yes? No. I don't know. I was just curious, seeing as how she's a strong, attractive woman-look, are you going to tell me if she's single or not?

She sighs. Maybe she should just ask the commander herself. It has to be easier than asking everyone else, right?

Right?