Chapter 3: Off the Grid

August 2013

Tony awoke to Ziva trying to untangle her limbs from his in the early morning hours. The sun was just starting to cast its light into the house.

"I did not mean to wake you," Ziva spoke softly as she noticed Tony's eyes flutter open and watch her moving. "I planned to let you sleep…"

"It's okay, if you're awake, I want to be awake with you," Tony yawned and put a hand on Ziva's hip.

She put her hand on top of his, and smiled, "Let me take care of the reason I was getting up and I will be right back to you…" She moved off the bed and padded to the bathroom, swinging the door but not shutting it. As she took care of her need, she heard footsteps approaching the door.

"My turn next," Tony swung the door open and stretched. As he took care of his own need, Ziva brushed a hand along his skin above his hip; a spot that she knew was one of his ticklish places. "Hey, no fair! Tickling a defenseless me…" Ziva giggled and ran towards the bed, Tony on her heels. He fake tackled her, pushing her down onto the bed, pinning her sides with his knees. He moved his hands closer to her lower ribs, her most ticklish spot, laughing as she squirmed to get free.

He started kissing her body and the fire built between them. They made love with a hot desire and an urgent need for release. As they lay in each other's embrace, sated, Tony joked that they had their exercise for the day. Ziva smirked at him, "Maybe…"

As they lay together cuddling and listening to the morning sounds from outside, the quiet was interrupted by Ziva's phone. She rolled to her side to pick the phone up from the nightstand, making note of the caller ID. Tony noticed her frown as she sat up to answer the call.

"Shalom," Ziva sat on the edge of the bed. She stood up and moved closer to the window as Tony watched her expression move from curiosity to concern to anger. Her replies to whoever was on the line became more animated and louder as the call went on.

When the tears started sliding down her cheeks, he got up and walked over to her. He slid his arms around her waist and held her as she finished the call.

"Toda," Ziva ended the call tersely and threw her phone onto the bed.

"Hey, I caught about half of that conversation on your side," Tony whispered into Ziva's ear. "What about Nettie?"

Ziva spun to face him, "She was in a car accident about two hours ago. Adam says that she was run off the road on her way to the markets in Haifa."

"Is she okay?" Tony wiped a few tears from Ziva's face with his thumbs. He placed his hand under her chin and tilted her head upward so that he could make eye contact with her.

"She is bruised and has some cuts, and obviously shaken up, but otherwise okay." Ziva's eyes had a fire that Tony had only seen a few other times; none of them had been pleasant.

"Do you want to go to her?" Tony offered. "I can drive us to wherever she is now."

"Yes, and no," Ziva started, "Oh, hell, Tony, I do not know what I want right now."

He stroked her cheek with his hand, "It's okay to cry, you know…" Ziva shook her head and brushed at the few tears that remained.

"I… I do not know… everyone I love is being hurt… the center of all this pain is me…" Ziva sobbed into Tony's shoulder.

"Shh, hey, it's okay," Tony wrapped his arms around Ziva and rubbed small circles on her back with his hand as he held his sobbing ninja. "I'm here for you…"

"You should leave," Ziva blurted out. "I do not want you to get hurt anymore."

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere. My place is with you, Zi," Tony tried to comfort his best friend. "What happened to that little girl who wanted to be a ballerina and go to America?"

"That little girl was strong; she would have stood up to her father and stopped the pain and the hurt," Ziva choked out. "I am afraid she is gone with everyone else…"

"Nah, Zi, she's still there. She just needs to see herself as a strong and positive person," Tony picked up Ziva's 'I Will' list from the top of the dresser. "You know, there's still plenty of room on the back for a new list."

"But, I…"

"I can help you, Ziva. I know you want to change; I can change with you, but you have to let me in. Please?"

Ziva took Tony's hand in hers and led him to the living room. She sat on the sofa and patted the spot next to her for him to sit as well. He sat and took her hands in his.

"Zi…"

"Tony, I… my… my mind is not in a good place right now. Why am I here when I have caused so much pain to others? Why am I the one who is still alive, when I took so many lives?"

"Did you take those lives on a whim or just because you wanted to, Zi?"

"Well, no, but…" Ziva began to reply and choked on her words. "Tony, somebody loved each one of the people I have killed. Ari, he…"

"He was your brother; and he was out of control, Ziva. He needed to be stopped and you did just that!" Tony was not going to let her go down the darkest of paths if he could help it. "Yes, you loved him, but he wasn't the same man you loved at the end.

"Is this about what Deena Bashan told you? The Ari that she loved was not the same Ari that you shot in Gibbs' basement. The Ari you killed was filled with hate and with darkness."

"But somebody loved him; somebody mourned for him…" Ziva protested. "All of them, not just Ari…"

"And all I'm saying is that you were justified in your actions. They needed to be stopped from doing evil and harming others, Ziva. To them, the love of others didn't matter anymore. They were beyond love at that point. Ari couldn't love anyone when he hated himself."

"Our father did that to him; once Ari found out that Eli had his mother killed, he changed. But that does not mean that I should have killed my own brother, Tony." Ziva's words began to show Tony just how twisted her thoughts were and how much she was torturing herself over it.

"Ziva, I can't make it go away, but I can help you get better. I'm fighting for you. I can change with you, and I can help you change. You just have to let me in; let the walls down again. It's me; Tony; your lovable idiot…" He tried to get her to smile, and noticing a small upward movement of her mouth, he smiled himself.

"Toda, Tony," Ziva spoke softly and placed her hands on his face. "I do not deserve your love, but I will cherish it always." She brushed her lips over his, pressing their foreheads together. They stayed that way, softly sharing kisses and gazing into each other's eyes for nearly half an hour in silence. All their communication was with their touches and eyes.

When the quiet was broken by the rumbling of Tony's stomach and then Ziva's as if in reply, they both started giggling. "Come, let us get some food," Ziva stood up and reached for Tony's hand. She led him to the kitchen and together the pair made a salad to share in a single large bowl.

As the month of August progressed, the couple explored Israel, with Ziva showing Tony the places that held so many memories for her. They spent time at the Haifa beach house, on the beach, at the remote property in Yavne'el. Tony learned much about young Ziva, her hopes, her dreams, her desire to be loved by her father. Some days Ziva would retreat into her mind, thinking about her life. Tony learned to give her some space and time and then she would open up to him, sharing her fears and the torment in her thoughts. About once per week, he sent a text to Tim to let the younger man know that he was okay. Most of the texts were short and cryptic, Tony not giving away many clues. 'Still off the grid; things going okay,' was the current week's message.