Chapter 3: Reflections and Revelations

Ennis sat outside by the fire waiting for Jack to return. He'd stomped off that morning and hadn't come back yet. Ennis had overheard something that he figured Jack had not meant him to hear. Ennis, however, had heard him.

"What in tha hell made you think that tellin' him you love him would make a difference anyway?"

Now, as he sat by the fire feeding twigs into the flames and debating whether to start supper or wait and see what Jack wanted to do when he returned, Ennis could not seem to think of anything else.

Pretty much from the first time he had seen him, in front of Joe Aguirre's trailer, Ennis had known there was something different about the way he felt when he was around Jack Twist. At first it wasn't really anything tangible that he could put his finger on, just a restlessness that he felt in his presence.

The first time that he felt the fluttering of real physical attraction, he and Jack were setting up their camp at the lower allotment. Ennis turned to ask Jack a question but when he spotted him, he was unable to do anything but stare.

Jack was chopping wood and the muscles in his arms and chest were straining against his shirt. For several moments, Ennis had been frozen, unable to look away. His breath quickened, and his heart began to beat faster. Suddenly, he remembered that Jack was a man, and he wasn't supposed to like looking at men. Shaking himself, he tore his gaze away and felt a tug of something that felt oddly like disappointment ripple through his stomach.

Ennis ignored, dismissed and denied all those pesky little fluttering's and stirrings he felt when he looked at Jack as nothing more then his body adjusting to the altitude. Each time Jack rode into camp for breakfast or dinner, he told himself that the bubble of happiness that spread through him was nothing more then being glad for the company, and he would have felt that way if anyone had ridden into camp at that moment. It didn't mean a thing that Ennis found himself talking more then he ever had in his life, and finding himself searching for things to say in order to hear Jack's voice.

Obviously he wasn't gazing up at the mountain in hopes of spotting Jack among the sheep moving about up there. That fluttery almost giddy feeling he felt whenever Jack looked at him with those damnable blue eyes of his… that was simply too much whiskey… wasn't it. The reason why he felt reluctant to leave and go back up to the sheep and stayed later each evening… well it was cold up there, and the heat he felt down at the camp… that was only the fire and had nothing to do with the way Jack's face looked when the firelight played across it.

Of course, the fact that he kept waking up during the night and almost every morning, after a restless night of dreams… that was normal right. That each of these awakenings found him sweating and breathing hard, his pulse racing and a painful erection straining his jeans, well he was nineteen after all.

It meant nothing that pictures of Jack continued to course through his sleeping mind even after he woke up… Jack chopping wood, stretched out next to the fire, walking around with his shirt off, smiling at Ennis from under his black hat, his blue eyes shining and seeming to send a message to Ennis that he couldn't quite grasp, all that had nothing to do with his arousal at all.

Never mind that more and more often those pictures in his mind had become ones of he and Jack kissing and touching each other… well that was just the stirrings of a nineteen-year-old boy who had no sexual experience… never mind that sometimes when Jack looked at him he felt a surge of something that made his heart flop and his groin tighten... all that meant nothing…right… of course.

If anyone was to ask Ennis how he and Jack's friendship had changed to a sexual one, he honestly would not have been able to tell them… he wasn't sure himself how it had happened. He had crawled into the tent that night with every inch of his body nearly frozen. When Jack had taken his hand and placed it on the hot and swollen bulge in his pants, Ennis had initially thought it was an extension of the dream he had been having.

When he realized that the Jack who was caressing himself with Ennis' hand was not the Jack in his dream, Ennis had been so surprised that he had done the only thing his brain could register to do… he jumped away. Jack had been relentless, but Ennis, though his heart was not really in it, felt that he should fight back… this was not what he wanted… right… until Jack had taken his jacket off, never once taking his eyes from Ennis'.

In that moment, Ennis had seen mirrored in Jack's eyes, all those things that he himself had been feeling, along with something that Ennis had never seen. Something that called out to him, and was answered immediately by Ennis' soul. Something that Ennis didn't at that point comprehend… desire.

When he heard the clink of Jack's belt unfastening, something inside Ennis clicked and all coherent thought fled his mind. His body took over; doing what he had refused to accept in the light of day, but his dreaming mind had known he wanted from the first time he laid eyes on Jack Twist.

After they had started 'The Thing', Ennis had worked hard to put feelings out of his mind as much as possible. He continuously told himself that this was nothing more then a couple of guys fooling around to pass the time… nothing else to it, right.

However, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't control the excited feeling that bubbled up in his stomach each night when he rode into camp for supper to find Jack there waiting with a big smile, his blues eyes shining and Ennis' name on his lips.

That whole summer, and even now all these years later, he had never tired of hearing Jack say his name. There was something about the quality of his voice… a sigh perhaps that seemed to follow each time he said it… that felt like an intimate caress… as though Jack had reached out and stroked his cheek with his fingers. Each time he heard it, Ennis felt heat rise to his face and his groin tighten.

He couldn't stop himself from touching Jack at every opportunity and he quickly discovered that he very much wanted to learn every place that Jack liked to be kissed, touched, and caressed. Any little thing he could do to make Jack's blue eyes glaze over… to make Jack moan, buck, twitch, and squirm... to bring forth those wonderful noises that Jack made, the ones that made his own heart race and his blood surge.

Even though he continually told himself that he had meant what he said to Jack about this thing being a "one shot deal", and that when the summer ended "The Thing" would end as well, Ennis found himself forgetting that the outside world even existed. The world for Ennis became only 'Jack and Ennis'. He went up to the sheep, and did his job, but there was hardly a minute throughout the day that Jack was not on his mind, and he couldn't wait to get back to him every night.

The day that he had ridden into camp to have Jack tell him that they were to bring the sheep down, reality and the outside world came swooping back and landed squarely on Ennis' chest. He wanted to yell and swear. He wanted to find Joe Aguirre and demand that he not make them leave, but most of all he wanted to stop the horrible feeling that washed over him, stronger with each passing second.

He remembered well the fight that he and Jack had had, though he couldn't remember exactly how or why their playing had become fighting. He had known immediately that Jack had not meant to hurt him or bloody his nose. When he pulled back his fist and punched Jack in the face it was not an act of retaliation as much as an attempt to make someone… anyone feel as retched as he did, but it was also Ennis' way of venting the anger he felt at Jack for making him need and want him so damn much, and for Jack's calm un-caring reaction to their parting.

When Ennis looked back on it now, he truly felt that the worst and biggest mistake he had ever made was letting Jack drive away that day in August of '63. The whole time they stood by Jack's truck talking, Ennis was struggling to block out the voice screaming in anguish inside his head. He wanted to grab Jack and never let go, to beg him please, please not to leave... to stay there with him, and his heart was aching so badly that he found it difficult to breathe. Much as he wanted to stay there with Jack, he knew that he couldn't… that it would never work… that they would never be safe.

"That's what it all boils down to ain't it", Ennis though to himself, and threw the rest of the twigs into the fire. "There is no way we can ever be together an be safe…don' matter how much he loves me, or how much I… well it don't matter!"

Standing up slowly, wincing at the twinge of pain in his head, Ennis walked slowly down to the edge of the creek. Shoving his hands into his pockets he gazed across the water at the snow capped peaks of Brokeback Mountain in the distance.

That was how Jack found him. As he rounded a bend a little ways downstream, he immediately spotted Ennis standing at the edge of the water. "He's beautiful…" he thought as he slowly approached. Ennis was looking off into the distance, facing away from him. He stopped about ten feet behind Ennis and just looked at him for a minute. He looked amazing; his blond hair below his hat was glowing in the light of the setting sun, the suns rays forming a blazing halo around his body making it look as though the light was radiating from Ennis himself.

"Beautiful…" Jack thought again, and sucked in a breath when Ennis suddenly turned and looked right at him.

"What's that?" Ennis asked, his voice surprised and slightly amused.

"What's what?" Jack asked and glanced around.

"What didya say?" Ennis said, his voice becoming more amused at Jack's 'innocent' act.

"I didn't say nothin', Bud." Jack said, concern replacing the confusion in his voice.

Smiling slightly, Ennis teased, "I coulda sworn you was saying something about me being "beautiful".

Jack jumped a bit at this and thought, "there ain't no way I said that aloud…"

"But ya did Jack… I heard ya!" Ennis replied, a crease of confusion appearing on his forehead, the amusement now gone from his voice.

"Ennis, are you feelin' ok? Ma'be you should't be up walkin' 'round yet. That mare gave you one hellava kick."

Ennis waved this away with his hand, and repeated sharply, "I heard ya, Jack. If ya don't want me to hear, ya shouldn' say it."

"But I didn'…" Jack started, but Ennis cut him off with a gruff, "whatev'r".

Sighing deeply, Jack turned and began walking back toward the tent and fire. "Why do I bother…?"

As soon as Jack started walking away, and Ennis saw the slump of his shoulders, he began to feel bad. Somehow, without meaning to, he had hurt Jack yet again.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Del Mar? Why can't ya keep yer tongue civil? I woulda thought that May mighta taught you something about Jack Twist. You came close to losin' him then… didn' ya learn nothin' from that?"

Ennis followed Jack up to the fire, and found him standing with his back to the fire gazing into the gloom that was quickly closing into darkness. Wanting to let Jack know that he was sorry, Ennis reached out a hand and laid it gently on Jack's shoulder. He felt Jack shiver under his hand, and he said in a low voice, "You cold, Bud?"

"No."

"Jack…" Ennis said, and tugged on his arm to turn him around. Once Jack was facing him, Ennis bent his head down slightly so that he could meet Jack's eyes beneath the hat on his lowered head.

"You know what…" Ennis continued, bringing his hand up to Jack's chin and gently using his finger to raise Jack's head.

"What?" Jack asked his voice low and slightly strained sounding, his eyes still not meeting Ennis'.

"Well…" Ennis said, his voice completely serious, "we been together for a whole night an a day, and I haven' even kissed ya once… seems a shame to me."

Jack's eyes flew to meet Ennis', and it was Ennis' turn to suck in his breath. In the twilight, the firelight made his blue eyes look almost luminescent, and Ennis saw that look there again… that look that had completely undone him that night so long ago. This time, Ennis recognized it for what it was and felt himself begin to harden in response to that silent call.

"Ennis…" Jack said, and Ennis felt himself shiver this time. Stepping forward, Ennis brought his arms around Jack and pulled him against him so tightly that their bodies were pressed together completely. He knew that Jack must be able to feel the hardness straining against his jeans and pressing against Jack's answering hardness.

He brought his left hand up and slowly ran the back of his hand across Jack's cheek. He felt moisture there, and knew that Jack had been crying. He wiped the stray tear away with his index finger, and then slowly rubbed his thumb across Jack's eyebrow the way he knew made Jack's knees weak and was rewarded with a shiver that ran the length of Jack's body.

Slowly, keeping eye contact as long as possible, Ennis brought their mouths together in a kiss that was very much different then their usual 'first' kisses. Generally, that first kiss upon seeing each other again was urgent, hard, and needing. This kiss was slow and sensual, and Jack felt as though his whole body was melting.

"Sweet, Jesus… how can he make me want him without doin' nothin' but look at me? Couple a words and a look an I fold like a damn shirt..."

Ennis smiled against Jack's lips for a moment, until he suddenly realized that there was no way that Jack could have been speaking… not while his mouth was so completely occupied.

He pulled away, and stood there in the night air that suddenly felt cold against his skin. Breathing hard, he brought his hand to the lump that was still slightly raised on his forehead.

"Ennis…?" Jack said, his voice concerned, "are you okay? Does your head hurt? Damn, I was afraid ya might've gotten up to soon…"

"Jack!" Ennis said harshly, his voice raw, "do me a favor…"

"What, Ennis?"

"Think something… anything."

"Huh?"

"What the hell…?" Jack asked his voice sounding confused.

"Just think about something… the weather… Lureen… anything!"

"I swear to god Ennis Del Mar… I will not let you do this to me again! It's not fair… for 16 fuckin' years I have been lettin' ya kick my heart around an I have nev'r said hardly a word 'bout it… but no more!"

"Fuck you, Ennis!" Jack spat, and spun on his heel stomping off in the direction of his truck. Ennis heard keys rattling and realized that Jack was unlocking the door of his truck.

"Jack, wait!" he yelled, running up behind Jack and catching his arm as he was yanking the door to the truck open.

"Lemme go, Ennis!" Jack said and yanked his arm away from Ennis' grip.

"I don't know what game you're playin', but I am not interested! I am done playin' yer games, Ennis Del Mar. I suppose you think it's funny to get me all hot for you and then talk about Lureen and walk away to leave me wantin'. That's what you like to do ain't it… give me a just enough of you to keep me wantin' more, and then leave me wantin' you and not havin' you!"

"I love you, you fuckin' idiot… not that that means a damn thing to ya, ya stupid bastard!"

"Jack…" Ennis choked out, the words getting stuck in his throat and having to be forced out, "that's not it at all! I'm not tryin' to play no games… somethin' is happenin'…" He raised his hand to his head, and prodded the bump there and was rewarded with a throb of pain.

"What Ennis… what is happenin'?" There was still anger in Jack's voice, but also a bit of concern.

" I dunno…" Ennis shook his head a little, and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Please god… don't let there be somethin' wrong with him… I'm mad as hell at him, but… I love him, even when he is bein' a asshole!"

Ennis took a deep breath and thought for a moment. "Somehow… I don't know how… you are hearing what Jack is thinkin'! But that ain't possible… not unless you are goin' crazy Del Mar! Ma'be Jack was right… ma'be that kick to the head did addle yer brain!

Suddenly it became very important to Ennis that Jack not know what was happening. Fear driving him keep it to himself and try to figure out what was happening later.

Straightening up, he shook the feelings of confusion away as best he could, and reached out to grab Jack's hand.

"I'm sorry as hell, Jack." He said, squeezing Jack's hand to emphasize his words.

"Please, come on back to the fire. I'm doin' fine now… my head was jus' hurtin' a bit for a minute or two."

"And I'm suppose' to believe that…"

"Are ya sure, Ennis... ya look a bit pale... ma'be ya oughta lie down...?"

Ennis tugged Jack's hand, pulling him toward him. At first he felt Jack holding back, but then he came willing, stepping into Ennis' arms with a sigh.

"Come'ere," Ennis said, and brought his mouth to Jack's again.

Silently they walked back to the fire and sat together, sharing the remainder of the whiskey. Jack's mind whirling with confusion and concern at Ennis' odd behavior, and Ennis listening to Jack's thoughts, and trying frantically to figure out what was happening to him.

After a while had passed in silence, Jack, who had been watching Ennis out of the corner of his eye, began to feel some of the desire from before returning. Leaning over he began to kiss Ennis' neck, and smiled when he felt the pulse in his throat quicken.

Suddenly, Ennis turned and brought Jack's lips to his, kissing him slow and deep.

"That's more like it… who would have ever thought anyone could make someone so mad one minute and then make me hotter'n hell the next… I jus' hope he's really ok..."

Within a very few minutes, they were back to where they had been before. Lying next to the fire, their bodies pressed together, breathing hard, and kissing as though the world might end if their lips were to part.

"Ennis…" Jack said, making Ennis shiver and close his eyes, "Let's go in the tent… it's damn cold out here…" "And I can't wait to get you in there and get these damnable clothes offa you!"

Ennis said nothing, not sure if he could trust himself to speak at that moment. He nodded, and let Jack help him up. Jack paused long enough to stoke the fire for the night.

While Jack was working on the fire, Ennis slipped into the tent. He quickly removed his shirt, boots and socks, and lay back on the large sleeping bag that Jack always brought on their 'fishing' trips. As he lay there waiting for Jack to join him, he thought about the first trip that Jack had brought the sleeping bag. It had rained for 3 days straight, and they had been forced to find things to occupy themselves inside the tent. A friendly game of cards became strip poker, which led to a lively round of sex that left them both exhausted and drained. They had christened the sleeping bag good and proper that week.

Ennis lay on his back, his arms tucked behind his head, and a smile on his face. Jack had 'thought' that he loved Ennis two more times. Ennis had heard him… and even though it had been during a fight, thinking on it made that little balloon of happiness that he almost never let out, fill and expand in his chest. He was still stunned and confused about being able to hear Jack's thoughts, but the more he heard, the more he thought it might not be such a bad thing. In fact, somehow, Ennis thought that maybe… just maybe… he could get used to that!

"What are you smilin' at, mister?" Jack asked as he stepped into the tent.

"Nuthin' much," Ennis replied, raising himself up on his elbows and watching as Jack began to undress.

Without even thinking about it, Ennis said in a low voice that was filled with awe and something close to pride, "You are a damn fine lookin' man, Jack."

Jack spun around so fast that he almost lost his balance. "What did you say?" he asked, his voice coming out with a very definite squeak.

"Damn… did Ennis Del Mar just give me a compliment? No way… I must be dreamin'!"

Surprised at himself, he decided that he didn't care, all he wanted was to see Jack's eye's light up again like they had a moment ago. Ennis got up onto his knees and pulled Jack's arm until he dropped to his knees as well. Bringing his hands to the sides of Jack's face, he pulled him forward gently until their foreheads rested against each other. Ennis felt a small twinge of pain, but chose to ignore it as he looked into Jack's eyes and said in a low voice, husky with desire and something else that Ennis wasn't quite ready to name yet, "I said, that you are a damn fine looking' man, Jack Twist."

Ennis could not wait another minute to feel Jack's skin against his. He closed his eyes and pulled Jack's lips to his, and then slowly lay back, pulling Jack down with him.

Jack, whose head was still reeling from Ennis' unexpected and totally un-Ennis like words, gave no resistance. In fact, he went willing into Ennis arms, lying on top of him and positioning himself the way he knew Ennis liked, their legs entwined, bodies fully pressed together so that each little shift or movement from either of them sent waves of pleasure through both of them. Ennis brought his arms up and wrapped them tightly around Jack's shoulders, running his fingers up into his hair and rubbing the sides of his head with his thumbs.

"Sometimes I almost forget how good it feels to be here in these arms... where I should be..."

Ennis began kissing Jack's neck, flicking his tongue against the pulse point and pressing upward against Jack, increasing the pressure between them and then pulling back a bit, drawing a little moan from Jack.

"Dammit Ennis… why can't you see that this is where you belong too… right here with me... if ya could only jus' see that...?"

Leaning forward and drawing his tongue slowly up Jack's neck to his ear, making Jack moan again, Ennis whispered so quietly that Jack barely heard him, "I think I might be beginnin' to…"

Then he brought his lips back to Jack's and began running his hands down Jack's back from his shoulders, down to his hips where his hands came to rest, pressing upward again and issuing a moan of his own.

11