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3.

Joel

He wishes she'd call him again, but at the same time he really doesn't. As long as they keep their distance, nothing can happen, and then he doesn't have to worry about losing control.

When he first realized his feelings for Teresa, it was easy to write them off as a reaction to what Kelly was going through. Not the feelings themselves but the reason behind them. Hadn't McNorris said that, in his drunken slur? "I just wanted somebody to want me, I guess." But now? Joel's marriage is whole again, they're happy, Kelly is happy. And still, every time Teresa comes to mind he's filled with this strong emotion he realizes he hasn't felt in a long time. He dreams about her more often than he'd like to admit, and even though he keeps a close watch of his mind during the day, there are times when he'll slip and she'll be there again.

Is this just an early midlife crisis? (Well, Fearless would say it isn't early at all, just right on time.) He can't even remember if he felt this way about Kelly, this urge to just be close to her at all times and the constant longing. But he supposes he did, he's just forgotten.

Joel Stevens doesn't do these things. Joel Stevens could never be a man who betrays his wife. And still… isn't he doing just that already?

He supposes some things just can't be controlled. It probably doesn't matter how hard he tries to be the perfect husband, because Teresa is not going away. And Kelly might not know about her, but she knows him. And the only time they haven't been able to talk about everything was after their baby died. She knows something is up.

At first he doesn't really notice it. They still have their ups and downs, and since Kelly went back to working part-time again it's been more up than down. Since she recovered from her depression they've been like newlyweds again (apart from having an eight-year-old interrupt intimate moments). So at first, Joel thinks it's just a step back from that phase. A normal stage in any marriage. Marriages have bad years and good years, isn't that what they say?

So when Kelly starts kissing him on the cheek and not on the mouth when he comes home from work, or when she shies away in her sleep when he tries to pull her close, it doesn't bother him as much as it probably should have.

He loves Kelly. And more importantly, he loves his son. But later, he will think about this and know that this was when it started to fall apart.

Teresa

Field training is probably the hardest thing Teresa's ever done, but she loves the challenge. Her training officer, Rob Larner, is tough but fair. The hours are long and she comes home every night just wanting to sleep, and when she does, she doesn't even dream about Jankowski. There's no need to call Joel in the middle of the night anymore.

She's not turning into some homewrecker. She has promised herself not to sink that low.

But she doesn't trust herself enough to think that her "we're just friends"-strategy will work forever. They've been too close one time too many. That phone call was just a glitch in her carefully laid plan not to fall in love with Joel (anymore than she already has).

It's funny though, how you think you have everything planned.

It's been one crazy night shift when she walks the two blocks from the station to the diner to get breakfast. She decided one hour into her patrol that if she ends up in traffic division when her training is over, going back to being a paramedic would be a very good thing. Now she's just glad to get out of her sweaty uniform.

She barely even registers when someone says her name as she's trying to decide what to get.

"Teresa!"

She supposes it's because she's tired, but she doesn't even try to feel anxious when Joel approaches her, having just come in from the street. She's just… happy. And he looks as tired as she feels, although smiling.

"Hey." She smiles too. There they are, those damn butterflies. "Night shift?"

"Yeah. Just needed to get some coffee to be able to drive home. You?"

"Mhm. I'd really like to just lay down here on the floor, I'm exhausted."

Joel chuckles.

"Yeah, I remember my rookie days. I've never been so tired."

Of course she can't say no when he suggests they sit down. She blames her sleep addled brain for that. They talk about work for a while, and that friendly half-flirting banter they always slide into after a while is comfortable. Joel has always felt like home to her. And for once, she allows herself to think about how it would feel to sleep next to Joel. Tired as she is, she can't think of anything in the world she would rather want than to be able to do that right now.

He catches her looking at her.

"What?" he says, still smiling. She smiles back and before she has the chance to stop herself, she says:

"I was just wondering what it would be like to sleep next to you."

He's still smiling, but it's a tight, sad smile now. One she often sees when he looks at her. She holds her breath, having realized what she just said. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Yeah, well", he says, sighing. "I try not to think about that."

They look at each other for a second or two, and then Teresa grabs her styrofoam cup and her bagel and gets up to leave.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." She surprises herself at the the lack of emotion in her voice, because she's burning up inside. She tries so hard not to meet his gaze.

"Teresa…" He grabs her hand before she can leave. But he doesn't say anything, he just strokes her thumb with his once, and then he lets go. She walks out of there without looking back, though she desperately wants to.

Teresa Ortiz doesn't cry that often. She doesn't cry this late October morning either, but she wonders what she's done to deserve to want someone this much and not be able to be with him.