Ah I love these characters but I never wrote them as a pair before so this'll be fun :)

Alrighty...angsty...angsty...think angsty...

Requested by: punkXrockXkid

Word: Funerals

Pairing: Damien/Kenny

Rating: T (Language and failed angst :P)

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They were just so depressing and you just couldn't deny it, it was a fact. The whole dead person in the middle of the room sort of kills the mood even if you've seen the person in the coffin die over a millions times before.

His friends and family cried their empty tears and they repeated the same speech all the time because what was the point of writing something different if he was still the same? At least he looked decent in the presentation this time; they bothered to put him in a new parka. One time they didn't even bothered on how he looked and he ended up in the same Batman costume that he died in (the reason behind that was totally not worth it, the fucking counselor lied about that orgasm the piece of shit). He looked nice, peaceful almost. If it weren't for that huge pipe sticking out of his neck like some kind of Frankenstein monster he'd look like he died a normal death for once.

He told Cartman that fixing the toilet himself wasn't a good idea...

Oh well, it wasn't like it was the first time he had to die because his friends did stuff without thinking of the consequences. He had no trouble with it. No trouble at all. Hell wasn't a bad place to hang out in, they had Luau Fridays and All-You-Can-Eat buffet Sunday's (though he recommended that you stay away from the chili). It was cool hanging out with dead actors and meeting legends -no one else got to meet George Washington and lived to tell about it! But it just wasn't just this that made Hell worthwhile; there were other things that Kenny didn't mind seeing on his daily trips down there...

"HONEY, I'M HOME!" the dead blonde yelled as he stomped down the door to Damien's humble little hellfire abode. Damien was having just a great time watching some kid that was just locked into an iron maiden for five hours being tossed into a salt and lemon bath outside his window, why did this obnoxious turd have to always ruin it? The antichrist never got to get any fun...

"Fuck, just go away you annoying little ingrate." He growled, feeling his hands already curl into white-knuckled fist. Kenny hummed "Highway to Hell" as he decided to get comfortable on Damien's bed.

"You know you love me." He said through his humming. "Why do you always try to hide the obvious boner you have for me, Dee-Dee?" he laid sideways on the bed and faced upwards to the ceiling, letting his blonde hair be exposed as his head hanged off the side of the bed. Damien sighed exasperatedly before swallowing his annoyance and continued watching the people in front of him being tortured in the most horrid ways ever.

"I have no boner, as you say, for you Kenneth. I have no idea where you would get such an absurd idea from." Another person's ass got impaled on a Judas Cradle, he smiled the more. Kenny clicked his tongue as he swung his legs that dangled aimlessly on the other side of the bed.

"Well, first off" Oh devil, he was actually going to list them? "every time I see you your face goes red."

"That's because you piss me off."

"Second," he continued. "you probably jack off to a picture of me when I'm not here."

"Like hell I do!"

"And third," he smiled. "you never torture me like those people out there when I die soooo..." he clicked his tongue again. "That's where I get the idea from that you, sir, have a total boner for me."

"Those were total illogical reasons that you have no evidence to back up." He mumbled. "And I swear you can search this place inside out and you won't find ANYTHING that could remind me of you." Kenny grinned as pulled himself up and sat upright on the bed.

"So you admit that you jack off to the picture you have of myself in your wonderful imagination?" he put a hand over where he thought his heart was. "Aw that's so touching! It gets me right here!"

"If you had a heart which I highly doubt you do," Damien finally turned around, bored of all the torturing outside since it was all the same "then it would be on the opposite side of where you're touching idiot." Kenny looked down at his hand and grimaced.

"SO?" he spotted a stuffed rabbit on the bed and started playing with it "That still doesn't change the fact that you want to fuck my brains out!" he made the rabbit dance. Damien grabbed the stuffed rabbit out of Kenny's hands and furrowed his bushy eyebrows.

"You have no brains!" Damien put the rabbit down on his desk, out of the other boys reach.

"Yeah," Kenny winked as he pointed down at his crotch. "But I definitely got head!"

He rolled his eyes at Kenny's lame, perverse joke but other one laughed like it was comedy gold.

"Kenneth," Damien started. "Well you just shut the fuck up. I need to finish up some work for my father and I won't be able to do that if you're here annoying the living shit out of me." He took his seat at the desk and started to pull out some papers out of the drawers of his desk. Kenny made a sour face at being called Kenneth for the second time.

"My actual name is Kenny, doofus. Just look at my death certificate. There is no Kenneth, just Kenny. KENNY!"

"I know that, asshat! But Kenneth pisses you off so Kenneth it shall stay!" he fought back while he started to get to work on those reports. Kenny frowned as he pretended to faint back on Damien's bed.

"You suck..." he grumbled. It stayed peacefully quiet for a few brief seconds. Damien savored them for as long as he could before Kenny decided to open his big fat-

"Hey Dee-Dee, can I ask you a question?" Damien wanted to burn his pencil to a crisp the minute he spoke.

"You just did." He deadpanned.

"Oh ha ha like that hasn't been done before..." he mocked. "I'm serious dude!"

Dude.

Every fucking person used that word, anyone who lived in South Park that came here when they were dead always shouted out, "NO I CAN'T BE DEAD, DUDE!" or "DUDE, NOT COOL! YOU CAN'T JUST SAW ME IN HALF!". Dude, dude, DUDE! It's like they can't learn any other words beside that one! Shit, it was annoying!

"Then what is it, dude." He mimicked Kenny's use of the word. Kenny took no notice that his town's word just got ridiculed by the son of Satan.

"Why do people have funerals?" he mused. Damien groaned and thought could this boy get any stupider.

"Well I assume it's because the people that the deceased knew are greatly affected by the loss and have these thing called emotions that force them to spend their life savings on a coffin that'll just rot and put makeup on skin that maggots will just eat through." He paused. "Why do you ask?"

"Just because..." Kenny started to miss the stuffed rabbit he had only played with a second ago. "I don't know. I sometimes get one once in a while when I die. I never understood why because well...what's the point? I'll just die again." He laughed a bit as he continued. "It's funny...the part where it's the most depressing is when they bury me in the ground. Just the sight of me leaving forever going six feet under is enough to make everyone burst into tears. I don't understand why." Damien tapped the pencil at the edge of his chin.

"Well, have you've ever been to a funeral that wasn't your own?" Kenny thought about this for a long while before letting out a simple "no". Damien wrote down his signature on a blank line of one of the papers. "Well that's why you don't get it."

"But how? How is it different from my own funeral?" Damien sighed for what felt like the billionth time today.

"It's different because it's not you, it's someone that you care for that won't ever come back and is permanently gone to be tormented by me in Hell forever." He paused. "Except if that person is Mormon. Then they go to Heaven the poor bastards."

"I don't think I'd cry if I saw someone that I love die." Is he still going on about this?

"Why not." He clearly didn't try to hide the disinterest in his tone.

"I'll be too busy being angry and jealous of them to be sad." He just continued to stare at the red ceiling of Damien's room as he spoke. "They get to die while I'm all stuck in limbo and never get a decent sleep. They had life and lived it while I'll never know what it's like to live life to the fullest. When they die they'll actually die. I'd have no reason to be sad because I'll get to see them whenever I want to." His face remained blank and emotionless as he said each word. "And the day they die will be the last time they'll ever feel pain."

"That's not true. If they were really bad people they'll have to go through torture. It's part of the rules." Damien reminded. Kenny sighed, his eyes still remaining blank as they stared at the ceiling.

"Yeah but that's because they deserved it." He said. "I have to go through pain all the time with each death for no reason. I've been dead since I was born." His face cracked a smile. "What an oxymoron that is, huh? Born dead; that's what I am, Damien. A living oxymoron!"

"Well you sure are a moron, I agree with that."

"Everyone would agree with that." Damien's ears picked up at that. "I'm just this stupid poor red neck kid that everyone pities but they don't have the decency to even acknowledge my deaths. I hate them all, every single last one. They should all burn to fucking Hell and be skinned to the bone." Damien put his pencil down.

"What on Earth are you talking about, Kenneth?"

"THEM!" he pointed upwards to the ceiling. "Everybody in that whole fucked up town! Anyone who dares call themselves my friend when they don't even have the audacity to accept the truth! Those fucking shitheads that don't appreciate everything that I do for them and all the crap I go through every day! While they're all up there whining about the stupidest things like love and money I'm here talking to fucking Death the Kid about how fucking stupid they are!" his eyes started to brim with angry tears. "I hate them, Damien! I hate them all so fucking much! They don't give a damn about me! They don't care if I'm gone for more than one day! They just replace me with someone to fill the gap! You remember, don't you? That time where I died when I was a kid and they just held a contest on who would replace me as their friend! The fuck was that? They never missed me, not one bit! They used my death as an excuse to get whatever they want!" his fist pounded the bed. "THAT FATASS ATE MY FUCKING REMAINS!"

Damien had turned around in his chair and saw the fit Kenny was having. He had never seen the boy act this way, with such raw anger and negative emotions. As awesome as it was he knew he had to calm him down.

"Don't say that." He spat bluntly. "They do care for you they just have a funny way of showing it, is all." Kenny sat back up, shaking his head in refusal.

"No they don't. They used to a long time ago but now they don't." he tried to even his breathing. "They...I...no one cares about me, okay. No one. Let's just leave it at that." His eyes stung as the tears commanded to return, but Kenny denied it the power to do that. "I'm a nobody."

Damien frowned the more he stared at the crestfallen look on the blonde's face, he understood why he could think everyone in that town were assholes. He even thought they were total idiots that needed to suffer the most excruciating agony ever known to all kind. But no matter how many times he begged his dad to unleash almighty hell onto the town, they stood standing and he had no idea how that was possible. The people in that town had no sense of moral or logic; they were ignorant and heartless, just a bad example of mankind. He couldn't find a single person in that town that deserved to live.

Except for Kenny, but the boy was cursed to constantly die. It was a shame really.

He always held a smile on his face and always seemed determined to bring that same smile onto everyone else's face. He had a good spirit and a good soul. But just to see him down in the dumps like this totally drained of hope was just shattering to anyone's esteem.

"You're not a nobody." Damien whispered. "You're the only somebody in that town. A somebody who can really turn it around for the best. You have something that no one in that town has, experience and loyalty. You're the reason why I don't send a massive flood of lava to get rid of the town for good. An example that shows me something good can come from the worst." He looked at him. "This is coming from a guy who loves to make babies cry by taking their stuffed rabbits." He could see him smile a bit through his bangs and that was enough proof that he was alright.

"Thanks. That means a lot." he sniffled. "And I was wondering why you had that stuffie." Damien snorted and grabbed the rabbit from his desk.

"Yeah, she was annoying the shit out of me with her crying."

"Because she's only in hell right?" Well that was a quick recovery. He's already back at smart talking me...

"Yeah but she's here for a reason. Kids don't usually go to hell unless their demonic." He bit back. Kenny just laughed, rolling his eyes.

"Sure okay whatever..." he stared at the stuffed rabbit with total want. Damien sighed and threw the stuffed animal at Kenny.

"You can have it."

"Aw you for real?" Kenny smiled as he hugged the bunny. Damien almost smiled too.

"Yeah I can see you raping it with your eyes." Kenny hopped of the bed and gave Damien a hug of his own; red covered his face like a wildfire.

"Thank you, Dee-Dee!~" he sang, hugging Damien even tighter with the bunny in hand.

"Get. Off. Me." He growled through his teeth. Kenny obeyed and made the bunny dance again.

"I'll take that as a 'you're welcome, Kenny'" he plopped himself back on the bed and started playing with the bunny again. Damien's face still stayed a bit pink from the hug.

Don't think Kenny didn't see this.

"Dude, you totally have a boner for me." He laughed. "First a huge love speech on how I'm a somebody, then a free bunny, and now you get all flushed out when I hug you." He brought the bunny to his face and pretended like it was the one talking.

"What other proof do you need, bee-yatch?" the bunny said.

Damien sighed.

"Just shut the fuck up, Kenneth."

So what if he did have a boner for Kenny McCormick? It didn't matter because he could still make fire come out of his hands like a bad ass and that's all that did matter.

So suck it.

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Ugh I fail at angst when I'm all hyped up on candy and coffee.

I want a stuffed bunny ;A;

Sorry if I didn't center it around the main word much, I failed at that too...bleh

Next up is Pretty . Is. Overrated's fluffy Tweek/Pip/Butters one-shot :D