therealmotherhecker: Certified Fanfiction Writer

Disclaimer: Hideaki Anno is a human being.

The name's Clint "therealmotherhecker" Eastwood. No relation to that other Clint Eastwood. I like writin' fanfics, pettin' puppies, drinkin' root beer and pretendin' I'm married to Rei Ayanami. I'm what most would call an "alpha male." I don't take flak from anyone. Ya get on my bad side and I'll probably grumble about it and do nothing.

Somehow, I ended up in the body of Shinji Ikari. A few years ago, his pops abandoned him after his main squeeze up and croaked. He was pretty young and his memories a' that broad weren't all that great. Whatever, therealmotherhecker is in charge now, and I don't need parents. I've lived on the streets of Camden, New Jersey for as long as I can remember. I ain't ever had a problem I couldn't solve with my head, my fists, or my… uh, insightful rhetoric? Wait, that falls under the umbrella of head, doesn't it?

I was in Tokyo-3, and things were pretty nuts. First, I met Misato, you all know who she is. Probably gonna end up livin' with her like Shinji did. She drove me to the headquarters of NERV; Y'know, God's in his Heaven and all that jazz. All the stuff there was pretty technical, don't ask me to explain it.

Before I forget, yer probably wonderin' what I looked like. Even if ya weren't, I'm gonna tell ya anyway. I looked like a scrawny punk wearin' a school uniform. Because as you know, that's what Shinji looks like.

Misato got lost. Yada yada dumb slut. Eventually we ran into Ritsuko. Fake blonde hair, mole etc. etc. I'm gettin' sidetracked here, so let me continue. After a while, we made it to a big dark room.

Ritsuko turned the lights on revealin' unit 01. Oh, and Gendo and Fuyutsuki in some observation room. "Hey Gen-dad, cut the bologna. Just gimme the skinny, why am I here?" I asked, more concerned about how long it would be until I met Rei.

"You are to pilot EVA unit 01."

"Ya mean that giant, purple robot? Why the heck would I do that, dad? I got bigger fish to fry." I pulled out a yo-yo from one a' my pockets. I played around with it and started whistling. Noticing some looks from the Ritsuko and Misato, I said: "What? Do ya have a no yo-yo policy? My dad runs this place, I can do what I want."

"We're more concerned over the fact that you're underaged." Misato explained. "So, yer fine with me pilot-Wait, underage? It's a yo-yo."

"Exactly, and you're not 21 yet." Ritsuko walked up to me and yanked the yo-yo from my hand, then carefully placed it in the pocket of her lab coat. Before I could retaliate, Gendo spoke up. "You are the only one capable, Shinji. Either agree to pilot or leave. You're wasting both our time."

"Stop bein' a jerkwad, dad. I might agree to help ya, but what's in it for me?"

"You will be paid the standard salary for an EVA pilot, nothing more nothing less."

"That ain't gonna cut it." I reached for Ritsuko's lab coat, but she slapped my hand away. "If I'm the only one who can pilot that thing, shouldn't I be the one to make the terms?"

Gendo sighed and glared at me. "We'll just use Rei. You're as worthless as ever, Shinji."

I began to blush and started twiddling my fingers. Golly, I was gonna meet Rei! The Rei Ayanami; hands down the most immaculate female specimen, fictional or real. I wasn't gonna blow it like Shinji and act like a wishy-washy loser. Rei was gonna be mine. I'd treat her like the goddess she is. I'd give her hugs, kisses, foot rubs, back massages. I'd cook for her, pay for all her expenses… hell, let's just say I'd do anything to make her feel loved and appreciated.

Shortly after she was wheeled in on that gurney, there was an earthquake; caused by good ol' Sachiel. Unit 01 outstretched its arm to protect us and Rei fell off her bed. Obviously, I went to catch her, bein' the gentleman I am.

"Yer really gonna send this, this… delicate flower to fight yer battles, dad? Ya piece a' trash." The comment seemed to get under his skin, because I swear he scowled for a sec. "Are you going to leave or not?" Gendo asked.

"If she's my replacement, then I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I'll kick that monster's butt. I ain't a coward like you, dad." I kissed Rei on the cheek then folded my arms. No angel was a match for therealmotherhecker.

I'll skip over the technical details because nobody cares about that malarkey. After that I was sent up an elevator and met face to face with Sachiel. Closin' my eyes, I quickly whispered a prayer.

"I am the very model of a modern Major-General. I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral. I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical. From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical. I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical. I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical. About binomial theorem I am teeming with a lot o' news. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse."

I took a breath.

"I'm very good at integral and differential calculus. I know the scientific names of beings animalculous. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral. I am the very model of a modern Major-General."

And another breath.

"I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc. I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox. I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus. In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous. I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies. I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes! Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore. And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore."

Yet another breath.

"Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform. And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral. I am the very model of a modern Major-General."

How many times do I have to say I took a breath?

"In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin." When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin. When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at. And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat." When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery. When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery. In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy. You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee."

I had to breathe, you get the picture.

"For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury. Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century. But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral. I am the very model of a modern Major-General."

With that said and done, my eyes shot open. I'm a devout Gilbert and Sullivan fan I should have ya know. "Alright, enough a' that. Listen up, Tokyo-3! Therealmotherhecker's here to kick some angel butt!"

Because I'm such a bad dude, my "synch ratio" or whatever it's called was darn impressive. I rushed up to Sachiel and shivved him with my knife. Little weenie just screamed and tried to attack, but he was too slow. I dodged every move he made and lunged at his core.

"From heck's heart, I stab at thee, bunghole!" As ya can tell, I'm a pretty well-read fella. I stabbed him a few times and he continued to scream, before grabbin' me and self-destructin'.

Who didn't see that coming?