Warning: Depressing. However, things will turn out for the better.
Kimvisable
2.
KPOV
"Beep Beep Beep" My alarm went off. I looked at it. I knew I wasn't going to shut it off. I felt mentally and physically drained. I did not think my body would move, even if I did want it to. "Beep Beep Beep." Time didn't matter. I knew I was not going to see Jared today. I had a gut feeling that I wasn't going to see Jared for a long time. The thought would hurt me more if I didn't feel so numb already. "Beep Beep Beep" I doubted anything could effect me.
More time passed.
"Beep Beep Beep"
My door slammed open. I felt a thrill of fear in my stomach, and I was right to be afraid. An angry monster was screaming at me.
"Damn it Kim! Are you ever going to shut that freaking thing off?" Nicole shouted. "I have a class in two hours"
"Beep Beep Beep"
I looked at my sister. She was in her pink Hello Kitty pajamas. It looked baggy on her hourglass frame. She had her hand on her hip. Her usually perfectly straight bob was tangled and frizzy. She still had make up on from Sunday night. She was staring back at me with a look of pure annoyance.
She looked at me still annoyed. She obviously wanted an answer. What did she say? Oh, she looks mad.
"Beep Beep Bee-" Nicole ripped the plug of the jack, as violently as she could. It landed on the floor; with a light thunk.
Did I mention that she wasn't a morning person?
"Kim? Kim!" She also did not like to be ignored. She looked confused. "What? Did you and those freaks have a fight?"
I didn't say anything. She took this as a sign. I never let anyone make fun of my friends. Not even Nicole. Well maybe except for Rafe. He was his own parade and I honestly did not have the energy to defend some of the things he says. Or does or monologues, in his case.
I don't know how long she stared at me for. Something shifted in her eyes she took a breath.
"Kim-" She began sounding clearly concerned.
I really wanted her to leave .I did not feel like putting up with her little tantrums right now. It was so like her, to only care about me when I was at my worst. Where was she when I needed some one to talk to? I just wanted to be left alone, in my room wallowing over my own problems.
"I don't care!" I yelled to her. My voice was raspy and strangled. I tried to think of the last time I talk. It was a while ago. "I don't care if I'm late! I don't care if I'm absent! Leave me alone!"
I wish I had this reaction sooner. Maybe I wouldn't be like this right now. I doubted it though.
Nicole was stunned, she actually looked afraid, of me. I never yelled and especially not to Nicole. She always intimidated me and made me feel insecure. Growing up with here as a sister took at big hit on my self-esteem. I did not care; I didn't care about much lately.
She was still staring shocked and her mouth hung open.
I wrapped my white comforter over my head and turned myself away from her. She got the message and left.
I honestly think I am going mental. This has to be the worst week of my life. It sounds dramatic, I'm sure there are people with worse problems, but never in my life have I ever felt so down. All my other problems were unimportant compared to the ones I had now. Never have a felt so alone and humiliated at myself.
Jared wasn't in for the rest of the week. Three days, seventy-two hours. That was not like Jared. He never misses more then one day. His attendance was nearly as good as mine, another thing I liked about Jared.
For once, Jared was not filling my every thought. I have been away from him longer then this. Like when we leave for school vacations .I could live without seeing him for a long period of time, as long as I knew I would eventually see him again. I was obsessed, but I wasn't fatal attraction crazy. His absence was not why I was in my room; hoping God would put me out of my misery.
After Jared left class, rumors went around school like crazy. Some were believable. Such as, him getting food poisoning from the cafe. Others were highly unlikely, like Vanessa giving him a serious case of mono. Still believable. But Vanessa was in and very annoyed by his absence. I also like to exclude anything were Jared and another girl are involved. It made my life easier. I know it's pathetic but it's my universe.
Why was I so miserable? Why did I feel like the whole world, yes the whole world, was against me? Why haven't I been able to get out of bed for three solid days? Why was I in solitary confinement? Why was my life over?
Vanessa.
It happened on Friday. I had been worried about Jared all week.
Mary and Cayce had been trying to cheer me up; even Rafe was trying to make me feel better. (This just made me feel worse because I did not really like him.)
Our art class was open to all grades, since music and gym were all full. That would explain why Vanessa and her best friend Amanda were there.
Even before she started dating Jared, I didn't really like her. She was loud and obnoxious and her friend was also, really loud. They were the meanest gossips. They really didn't care about other peoples feelings. They always tried to talk over each other. There conversations had two volumes. Loud and louder. After a few minutes their voices would go right threw me. It made it hard to concentrate.
Not only did I have to see them together. I also have to hear, in full detail, what she and Jared do together too. Trust me; Vanessa was not a shy person. She was very descriptive.
Which was why, Mary and I sat in the back.
As in love as I was with Jared, I did not want to know all about their relationship. I preferred not knowing.
I was working on my self-portrait, which Mrs. Redroad assigned to us. I was good at drawing. Mrs. Redroad said that I was talented and I understood lighting and colors. It was a class I didn't have to work to hard in. I enjoyed the peace it gave me, like writing. When I was done, I felt confident in my self. Which is the only confidence I had.
I was surprised at how much I was struggling.
Mrs. Redroad gave us all mirrors to help.
I did not take the mirror. I made sure I didnt look at myself too often. Unlike my sister. I tried to avoid it, if I could. So having to look at all my flaws made me uncomfortable.
She said we could bring in pictures. That too was a problem. I almost never take pictures and the ones I have, I would mentally die if anyone saw them. I would throw them all out if my mom let me.
Mary was on the side of me with a huge supply black colored pencils, markers, crayons and paint on our desk. She was concentrating very hard on her picture. She looked completely engrossed.
I didn't know where to start so I made the back round first. I was out near First Beach, since I liked going for walks there.
The back round was almost done, and I was still struggling. I didn't like the idea of drawing myself. What was there no fruit I can paint? Maybe if I would relax, I could come up with something. I looked at Mary she had a black crayon in her hand. The look of concentration on her face was comical.
"Don't you think that's enough color." I said sarcastically.
"Well Kimie I figure that if this is a self portrait 'might as well be honest." She said staring into her masterpiece.
"Have you ever seen me in anything that wasn't black?" She shivered in disgust. "Like I'd wear pink!"
I looked at her in her black Avenge Sevenfold band tee and tight black studded pants with a black studded belt.
She was right, seeing her in any other color, would be weird.
"Well at least get gray for the studs on your pants"
She looked up at me with a smile on her face.
"That's what I like about you Kim, you're always thinking." She pointed to her head. She smiled and walked to the supply cabinet.
I smiled
After successfully grabbing the darkest color gray she could, she sat down, and looked at me.
Mary looked at me for along time and then said:
"Kim you have to let this whole Jared thing go. It's only hurting you. 'We've been friends awhile now and I know you. You're a good person, you don't deserve to feel this way. Just let him go."
I looked at Mary, the look on her face made me believe that all her words were genuine. She was sincere. She really did care.
That's one of the things I liked about Mary, she didn't judge and she never pried into my business. She let me live in my fantasy world. For her to mention it know, made me think that it had been bothering her for a while.
"It's unhealthy-"
"I know you care Mary and I respect what you have to say but I just ... I don't know ...I've always liked Jared. I think were meant to be –"
I was interrupted by a loud evil laugh.
I looked ahead of me. It was Amanda. She was standing in front of my desk. How did I not notice she was there?
OH. MY. GOD!
She was staring at me with a look of pure pleasure. Like a cat with a mouse in its sharp claws. The same expression too.
Please tell me she is not laughing at me. That she did not hear me. That a freshman spilled paint on himself again. Please let it be anything other then hearing my very private confession, on my love for Jared.
Please.
But no.
That would mean I would have to be lucky or if I was as invisible as I thought I was.
Unfortunately, I was neither
I looked at Mary. She looked at me with a blank expression. Her black lips mashed together in a tight grimace. She was at a loss for words. We both knew it was going to get worse. It could only get worse.
Amanda continued laughing
"Ness you have to come here" She said to Vanessa two desks over. Looking at me menacingly, a devilish smile spreading on her face.
Oh No!
I cringed inwardly.
My face was hot. My palms were sweaty. My throat was tight and dry.
Vanessa walked over and stood by Amanda.
"What?" she asked.
"I guess your not Jared's only girlfriend". Amanda said in pure amusement.
Vanessa looked at her, confusion clear on her perfectly made up face.
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, you didn't know Jared had a not-so–secret admirer" Amanda said in a singsong voice. She was enjoying this. There was no doubt about it.
She was looking at me as she said it. How could she do that? Why did she enjoy my pain? It made me sick to see how much see enjoyed making fun of me, and I did not even know her!
"Mandy what the hell-" she said then she looked at my direction. She finally got the very unsubtle message Amanda was giving her.
She looked at me, her perfectly shaped eyebrow lifted up into her fore head. I felt so exposed and helpless, under her piercing gaze. I felt like the smallest amount of confidence I had gained in my seventeen years of life, was stripped away from me, in that moment. I felt so helpless and utterly alone.
She laughed the most malicious laugh I had ever heard; outside of movies. What was worse, was that she continued laughing. Worst yet Amanda joined in. Worse, over all they laughed so loud they caught the attention of everyone in the class.
The whole class was watching .So the whole class heard what she said, after she was done laughing.
"Please like Jared would even look at you. Take it from somebody who knows, Jared likes pretty girls. Not little boys in girls – wait those still look like boys- clothes" She said. Her brown eyes glistening, with unshed tears, from her laughter. She actually laughed so hard that she was crying. "I always thought you were a lesbian anyways." Amanda laughed even louder. The sound was deafening. I felt my eyes water.
"Are you going to cry?" Amanda asked wickedly.
I CANT. I WILL NOT CRY! I yelled to myself.
"Before you do let me set you straight and get you out of this dreamland, you're living in. Jared is myboyfriend… Even if we broke up, he wouldn't date you. You're a nobody. Nobody even knows your name. You're pathetic. Your actually an embarrassment and your only humiliating yourself. Even if he did notice you ,that wouldn't matter. You really are a nobody Kam? Wait no, or is it Kim? Either way it doesn't matter."
I couldn't help the tears that escaped. That only made her smile bigger.
"Oh look Mandy... She did cry." She said happily. Amanda just laughed.
My face was so hot I could feel the heat radiating of my skin. I felt dizzy, as if the world was spinning out of control. Maybe it was just my world? I think it was because I wasn't breathing. My mouth felt dry and my brain was blank. I was at a loss for words. Which didn't matter. Nothing I could have said or done would have made me feel any better. Nothing would have helped the situation. I was in tears and I didn't want to give Vanessa and Amanda the satisfaction to see more.
I did the only thing I could think of.
Run.
I did not even question it. I got up from my seat and I headed to the door.
I heard Mary's concerned voice.
"Kim." She said but I didn't look back.
"Aww baby Kim." Amanda said. Both Amanda and Vanessa were laughing. I heard other laughter, but there's was the loudest. The cruelest. There laughter, just like there voices, went right threw me.
That laughter echoed into my brain. I walked down the hall replaying the whole thing in my head.
Your actually an embarrassment and your only humiliating yourself
Her words rang clear, over the laughter, in my mind
Why did I think Jared could ever love- not even love -look at me? Oh my god. Am I that pathetic?
I knew the answer already .I am. I am that pathetic.
My eyes are burning with unshed tears. No! I will not cry here.
I tried to ignore my trembling body as I went down the stairs.
Even if we broke up, he wouldn't date you. You're a nobody
The tears were more persistent. It hurt to hold them. I bite my lip. I was not going to cry.
You're a nobody
I saw the door. I rushed to the parking lot. Thank god, I had my keys in my pocket and not in my backpack, which was in art class.
nobody
The laughter was louder.
With shaking hands, I fished my keys out of my pocket.
nobody
My hands were shaking so bad I dropped the keys. It took me three tries to get into my car.
I put my head down in the steering wheel and cried.
You really are a nobody