A/N: Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the way the chapter navigation thingo to the right of this message doesn't let me nicely center things? Well, now you all know...
Oh, and I apologize in advance if Kida sounds a little too flowery for anyone's tastes. For some strange reason, he seems to be the sort that waffles and uses sugary language to me.

~ Kida Masaomi I [Homosexuality] ~

Heyo Fanfiction Writers~!

When my beloved Saki-chan pointed me towards the world of fanfiction, I had thought I'd be treated to a lovely pile of fiction dedicated to my undying love to the skirts that I've chased for all my life. After all, I've been picking up girls (with a certain degree of success, if my documented exploits are anything to go by) ever since I knew the joys of the fairer sex… but, if these stories of yours are anything to go by, it seems like my reputation has been somewhat tarnished.

My dear writers (of which, I suspect, most of you are females with a healthy imagination), it is with a heavy heart that I must say that I don't like men or boys, no matter how cute they might look in a dress or how charming they may appear to you. This gallant heart of mine is dedicated to serving the many delicate flowers that require my ready assistant and, sadly, I have no time to spare for guys. To me, males are but good friends and potential enemies, especially if they ever dare to act like a certain bastard… but females will, forever, be the apples of my eyes~

I mean, if you'd all like to think about my predicament for a moment, it would become strikingly clear that my heart is forever enslaved by its appreciation of women. What else is more beauteous than the luscious curves and soft features that the fairer half of our population possess? Nothing, not even the same features in men, could ever persuade me to give up on my unwavering love for all things feminine. Think about it, everyone; what sort of appeal does a muscly –or, god forbid, flat– body give me when I could always admire my very own body in a mirror?

…But then again, I'm not like that narcissistic Izaya bastard, so I'd never do that.

In any case, it would be wonderful if all the fanfiction writers reading my letter would put aside their fanciful dreams about an alternate homosexual me and simply revel in the cheery, woman-loving person that is me. Why would you deny yourself of my marvellous nature and my attentions towards the female populace when the alternative would be, quite frankly, a poor and pale shadow of what I could become? I can understand if the male writers out there are jealous of my way with words and my pure devotion towards the more delicate sex, but I can assure you that I won't be depriving you all of the wondrous creatures that captivate my heart on a daily basis.

After all, as much as I love women and girls alike, my beautiful Saki-chan is the only one for me~

(Though, of course, I'd never pass up on a chance to receive a call from a pretty lady ;D)

The One and Only, Kida Masaomi

P.S. If there's any ladies out there that need consolation or are willing to have a friendly chat with me, feel free to call the number listed at the end of this letter. I'll always be available for your services, unless I'm off on a date with my beloved Saki-chan~

P.P.S. I can tell if someone's acting as a 'trap', no matter how attractive they might look as a female… so for the men out there that are charmed by me, I'm going to have to refuse your advances and your calls. I'm sorry, but this hot body is only for the ladies out there.

P.P.P.S. Who the hell would waste their money on you, Izaya bastard? I hope you choke on your stupid ootoro or get poisoned from it; it'd certainly be a great service to the world if you died…

P.P.P.P.S. If you kill that Izaya bastard, Heiwajima-san, feel free to give me a call anytime. I'd love to go desecrate his grave or laugh at his frigid corpse, or even throw a party to celebrate his death…

A/N: Personally, I don't really mind which way Kida swings... but it seems a bit heartless to think that Saki would be left by her lonesome self if Kida ran into the sunset with someone else. Oh, and for anyone who was wondering about the post-scripts... they're just a little bit of fun for me, where I let the characters interact with one another, so please don't mind their chatter when they argue/chat with one another~