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PART 3: Mission: Father! Oh Shit, This Isn't Gonna Be Pretty!!

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Temari had been pregnant for four and a half months to this day, and she could have sworn she felt the child kick once or twice by now.

She was ten minutes away from Konoha, which was her last mission outside of the Wind Country Gaara was going to permit until she had the baby. She could see that he was growing weary and reluctant, and that she was beginning 'look' pregnant by his standards. During these months he'd dedicated himself to reading a book or two on pregnancy in their private library when he had the time. He'd developed a thirst for knowledge to replace his more sinister desires of the past throughout the years, not to mention he had no great love for venturing into the unknown with no information. Frankly, she wasn't that surprised. All the same, she could only imagine the odd looks he must have garnered from keeping books like that around.

Hell, he may have known more about pregnancy than she had by now, despite having had countless visits from Suna's best medics to ensure her health and the baby's, probably Gaara's bidding, as well. The part she was surprised and glad about was that her youngest brother allowed her to do as much as she'd done so far, though she hadn't expected him to become this involved, as well. It was, well, for lack of a better way of putting it, sweet. In his own indirect, subtle little way, Gaara was being sweet. That was almost as weird as her being pregnant, which she'd come to terms with by now. Being an expecting mother hadn't turned out to be so bad, so far.

In fact, she was feeling more fit and energetic now than she had a few months prior when this whole mess started. The vomiting stopped, and aside from those bouts of early morning displeasure, she hadn't experienced anything too unpleasant; to this day simply coming to terms with it had been the hardest part.

Well, it was about to become the second hardest part, considering where she was headed. Before she left Suna, Kankuro backed her up against a wall and flat out told her what she needed to do, as if she didn't already know. She knew damn well how Suna was going to react if she came out about the whole thing fatherless, so she'd drag the father back, kicking and screaming if need be, just to prove he's there. Although, she did play with the idea of lying and saying that the father died in a fire, but if they somehow linked the child to Nara Shikamaru, confirmation of his living and breathing was just a carrier pigeon away, and she knew the Hokage wouldn't side with her on this one. Much as Tsunade-sama hated prudes, she didn't like getting involved in other peoples' shit if it benefited for her in no way. Suna would find the clandestine, long-distance relationship too fishy, quite a bit careless on her part, and she also didn't want to imagine how far their paranoia could go, especially since Shukaku...

Well, no use hiding from the inevitable. She would inform Shikamaru that his choice in contraceptives was crap, and now he had to pay for it with his life. Keh, more like SHE had to pay for it. She didn't want to drag his whiny, pathetic ass back to Suna with her because he now had to play daddy. He'd be such a horrible father to boot!

"Yo!" she heard from the gate, and not ten feet away stood the very bane of her existence, not to mention the father of her child. As usual, he looked about as thrilled to see her as one who was on his way to have a root canal, which always made her feel like a real winner. Still, she returned his lethargic greeting and allowed him to guide her in as he always did, checking over her invitation, yadda-yadda-bladda, let's go find somewhere comfortable to rest so we can talk, if you please.

She'd known Konoha almost as if it were her very own home by now, so it wasn't like she needed Shikamaru to be her guide. And why it always had to be him to come greet her was also beyond her. Didn't this village have an entire craptacular stash of Chuunin to spare? They could send any other loser her way, so why did it always have to be him?

She had to suppress a chuckle. Damn, old habits really die hard, don't they? She thought the same exact thing every time she came to Konoha, though it never occurred to her to ask about it.

Well, she was about to tell him, "pack up, daddy, you're coming home" so now would be as good a time as any to bring it up.

Before she could, though, she noticed that he'd been looking at her, studying her, even, and broke their comfortable silence before she could with his own question.

"Have you been putting on weight?"

Normally, this would be a great time to deck him one over the head and drag him to the Hokage's office unconscious and bleeding. However, the fact that he'd noticed would make the situation all the more believable, huh? Oh, the baby kicked again. Maybe it already wanted a piece of its daddy, horrible man that he was.

"Just a bit. Gaara's been cutting back on my missions lately. Apparently I'm no longer fit for A-Rank missions anymore... "

Suddenly, he'd become white as a sheet, as if... as if he'd known, been dreading what she'd been about to tell him. Oh, but he couldn't. She was just imagining things. Still. She quirked a brow and he turned away. But how in the world could he know? When in the mood, he was too much a horny piece of shit to notice his mistakes.

Unless he did and chose not to tell her about it.

Oh, hell no. That didn't happen. That so didn't happen. She so wasn't going to be told that. Because... because this whole thing might have... could have been avoided if... FUCK. Oh, but she suddenly had an awful, foreboding feeling in the pit of her gut. This was going to get real ugly, real fast.

"Um, I have to be somewhere, so, yeah," Shikamaru rubbed the back of his head, still refusing to meet her eyes. He knew all right. He knew he was dead meat, and she knew this was his final ditch effort to crawl out of it. "You'll be fine on your own, won't you?"

He turned to walk off, but she wouldn't let him. Her hand shot out and grabbed his wrist like the talons of a predator clutching its pray. He looked pained by the way her nails were pressing against his arm; she could make it bleed if she pressed any harder, or if he tried to fight off her grip, and desert have mercy if he were to suddenly pop and she found the twig of a log dangling from her vice grip.

After a few moments, she came to the conclusion that this was the real Shikamaru, and he had finally succumb to his fate. Now came the tricky part.

"Look," he started. A swift breeze pushed along through their hair, and suddenly they were the only two people in Konoha. Only the guards were standing watch at the gate, and the rest of the village was beyond there. What needed to be said could be said right here, right now, and she wasn't going to let him avoid it. After all, it was his fault. "I'm sorry, okay. I didn't mean to imply that you didn't... um, look good. Women these days keep themselves too skinny and it's disgusting, so I'm kinda glad you're fattening up some."

What? Did... did he think she was going to have a cow because he thought she believed he was insulting her weight gain? Was that all it was? Oh my, that was rich. In fact, she started to laugh, and once she started she couldn't stop. For a genius, Shikamaru could sure be an idiot.

He'd finally turned to face her, wearing an expression suggesting that she must've gone crazy. Who knows, maybe she has. In fact, she knew she had. Look whose baby she was pregnant with! Look at the fact that she was pregnant at all! Oh, if only laughter solved all of her problems. At least it made her feel better about them.

She leaned forward and kissed him once she had all that out of her system. After all, useless as he was, she did miss him. She'd waited longer than normal to make her trip to Konoha, so this felt nice. He felt nice. In fact, she felt the need to take the rest of this back to his apartment; she wasn't here on official business, but as common courtesy she'd drop by the Hokage's office anyway. Later. Maybe tomorrow. There were more important things to worry about.

"You," murmured Temari against his lips, planting another kiss or two on them before pulling back. She really was too tall, to still be able to stand at eye-level with him after all these years. Better than looking down on him, she supposed. One of her arms slid around his neck, and his around her waist on principle. They'd never made such a display of their relationship, but apparently he was comfortable enough with it. Good. He was going to have to learn to be, wasn't he?

"Me what?" asked Shikamaru.

"I have a surprise for you."

"Oh?"

"Yes, but it was a long walk here and I'm starving. Buy me lunch."

He sighed. "Because my money grows on trees just for you, right? Troublesome woman."

And for the first time, the pair walked into Konoha like a real couple, arms still around one another, bickering as normal, and Temari's hand giving her belly a rub every now and then. She was sure half the residents of Konoha suspected she was expecting before Shikamaru did, which was a guilty, sadistic pleasure of hers at the moment. Now coming clean was going to be more humorous than problematic.

However, she barely considered all of his possible reactions. Something still told her that he knew, rather dreaded the possibility. If he did know, he was dead. She could make it look like a freak accident. If he didn't and refused to take responsibility, he was dead. She saw no reason why she should see this through on her own. Sure, there were plenty of caretakers and nurses to select from back in Suna for the care of her child while she was off on business, but it wasn't the same. He had to be there; he had to be in the same exact boat as her, or else it just wouldn't be right. Not to mention the paranoid old prudes. That should have been her greatest fear, but for some reason the possibility of Shikamaru's rejection seemed even worse. Ridiculous. She was just being silly.

She doubted he'd take it the easiest way, which would be to whine and grumble about it for a day or two whilst packing his things, and then coming quietly. This was another reason why she'd be stopping by to see Tsunade-sama, "Sorry, but I'm going to have to borrow this from you for awhile, possibly forever, I hope you understand." Well, okay, it wasn't going to be that easy, but that's the basic gist of what was going to need to happen. Shikamaru had no way out of it if Tsunade agreed, which she should. After all, Suna and Konoha made better allies than enemies.

---

They got halfway through a silent lunch at the Ichiraku Ramen stand. Really, she didn't care for ramen, but she wanted some anyway. One of the many pleasures that came with being pregnant, she supposed. The woman behind the counter kept making pointed looks toward her belly, as if trying to decide whether or not she should ask. Temari was glad she didn't in the end. This situation could result in a scene, and Temari didn't want said scene to be public.

She still had the suspicion that Shikamaru was hiding something from her, and she didn't like it one bit. She was half-tempted to stick her chopsticks up his nose just to see what he'd do. Anything was better than this silence, ramen tasting so damned delicious, and silence. How troublesome.

Shit, she was starting to think like him. This wasn't good.

"Yah-oo, Shi-ka-ma-ru!" chirped a voice just outside of the stand. Before Temari knew it, Yamanaka Ino just marched right in as if she owned the place, skin flashing outfits charming as usual. Temari welcomed the break in silence with fervor, though.

"What is it, Ino? I'm busy," Shikamaru said, as if he'd actually been doing more the past ten minutes other than sitting there like a frozen statue. Temari turned around and greeted Ino as someone who WOULD know courtesy if it bit her on the ass would.

Temari was about to offer Ino a seat beside her, when suddenly the white-blond girl burst out with, "So it's true? What the village has been saying about you guys? I just had to stop by and confirm because I totally couldn't believe it. You two are really going-"

SMACK.

Twice as much ryou than Temari needed to pay was slammed against the table, startling everyone in the room to an even more painful silence than before. The old ramen vendor took it cautiously without complaint, and Temari took a hold of Ino's wrist.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I forgot about our shopping trip, Ino. Let's get out of here right away before the stores get too crowded. Excuse us."

And just like that, she and Ino were gone. Shikamaru'd definitely brush it off as a silly rumor if some random stranger were to approach him, but Ino wasn't exactly a random stranger, was she? Temari didn't want all this blowing up in her face too soon, thus she ran and ran and ran until she found a secluded place by the river. She needed to stop anyway. Any farther and the baby might feel it.

Once she caught her breath, she flopped down none to gently onto the bank of the river and groaned. Note to self, no more flopping down onto anything for awhile. Ino, nimble little thing as she was, followed in suit and looked completely unpained. Oh how she envied Ino right now, all bursting with energy and-and NOT pregnant.

"So you and Shikamaru are officially an item, or not? I know you guys had a secret thing, but now it's the real-deal?"

Oh, fuck me. This just wasn't Temari's day. Usually she was so good at interpreting what was on the minds of others, but everything always came back to the paranoia of her current state. How she felt that everyone who looked at her automatically KNEW. Of course Temari found it obvious that she'd gotten bigger. She was nowhere near finished growing, but it was still the biggest she'd ever been. Her stomach never made a round bump against her sash, and she was surprised as to how self-conscious she was about that.

Without thinking, her hand once against rested upon her stomach and she gave it a few rubs. She thought maybe Ino'd get the message. Temari hadn't anticipated telling anyone else from this country before Shikamaru, but it looked like she was going to have to, if only for the sake of her own sanity.

She didn't like the sly look in Ino's eyes all of a sudden. So this girl liked to play games, did she?

"Stomach bothering you?" said Ino, observing her in a way Temari couldn't quite comprehend at the moment. She wasn't in the mood to play 'Guess What I'm Thinking' with Ino. "I always said that ramen stand sucked. Shikamaru's such a cheap moron; who in their right mind brings girls on dates there, anyway?

"Temari-san? You look hot, are you going to be all-"

"I'm pregnant," Temari blurted out. She really wasn't in the mood to beat around the bush. Now that she had her lunch she needed a nap, or a hug, or something. She came here to tell the father, possibly to cart him off right away if Hokage-sama gave the okay, and... that was it. She didn't come here to waste her time with guessing games, interruptions, or whatever. She just wanted to go home with her boyfriend.

Err, boyfriend? Since when? Whatever it was inside of her that turned her into a blusher could kindly kill itself now, or if it was the baby that was doing it, well, she supposed it was already earning its first spankings from inside the womb, wasn't it?

"Pregnant?" said Ino, as if she didn't even know what the word meant. Of course she knew what it meant, but she was still playing stupid. What was with that incredulous look all of a sudden? "Wait, so you've found someone else and you're breaking things off with Shikamaru?"

Temari felt like removing the fan from her back and hitting herself in the head with it repeatedly. What's a girl gonna have to do to get someone serious to talk to around here?

"Shikamaru's the father," Temari said, her fuse running so short that she thought she might advise Ino to run for her life, but she had to make sure the girl didn't go around telling people about this first. Damn it all. "I came here to Konoha to tell him. Yes, I suppose you could say we're officially an 'item'. No, there is no one else. It's him. It's all HIM. Fuck me, why does it have to be him?"

"Hey, hey, chill. I was only joking. I knew all that," said Ino, and she started laughing as if it were the funniest damned thing she had ever heard. Oh, that tears it! Kankuro she could understand, but this girl had some nerve! They barely even knew each other, and-and, well, there went her fan halfway from its harness, until, "that's the best thing I've heard all day! Shikamaru, a father. Come on, even you have to see the humor in it!"

"Hardly," grumbled Temari. "He's practically a baby himself, always whining and acting a damn fool-"

"Exactly!" Ino had to wipe tears from her eyes. There was still an occasional chuckle here and there afterward. "But that won't matter. You're on the top of the food chain in your country, aren't you? Kazekage's sister and all. You probably won't have to change one diaper."

"That's not the part I'm concerned about."

Suddenly the humor in the situation fled the field, and there sat two girls in silence, watching the river flow under the bridge for awhile before anymore was said between them. Ino was the first to speak, and she wore an expression as exasperated as Temari felt.

"I warned him about those Moon Glyde condoms, I really did, but he never listens because he's an ass. Chouji and I had the same problem with them, but luckily there were no results," Ino explained, and nervous giggle escaping her clenched teeth.

She didn't need to be told that Shikamaru's choice in contraceptives was poor, thank you very much. It was obvious, especially now that she was paying the price for it. Still, the fact that he had been WARNED that those condoms were no good prior to them engaging in The Act put a rotten taste in her mouth. Oh yeah, he was gonna get it. This was totally his fault.

"Tell me," said Temari. She would find out everything, absolutely everything she could that lead to this, even if she had to torture it out of someone, namely a certain jackass from the Nara Clan who was already neck-deep in shit as it was. "Just how has Shikamaru been for the past four and a half months?"

---

Temari left Konohagakure two hours after her arrival, in a very betrayed and pissed off way. It was a good thing Gaara had been the one Shukaku-infused rather than her, or else there would be no Konohagakure to speak of right now. For the first time since she was in her single digits, Temari wanted to cry. Really break down and cry, as if that would make everything disappear; as if that would make everything better.

Ino told her enough, more than she had been expecting, actually. Apparently the members of Team Ten had no qualms about discussing their sex lives amongst themselves. Apparently Shikamaru knew the condom broke, having off-handedly and in a very nonchalant manner admitted to Ino that she had been correct about the brand. Apparently he chose to think nothing of it, as 'the fertility had most definitely been beaten out of her because the Sand was full of sadists like that. Apparently Ino thought what had happened that day still weighed on his mind, though he spoke no more of it. Apparently Temari had been correct in her initial assertion that he DID know she was pregnant, and that he was actively avoiding her.

Back to her previous plan, then. 'People of Sunagakure, the father of my child died tragically. I'm in mourning right now so don't bother me.' Yeah, that would bowl over so well. She was totally looking forward to it. With luck they'll believe her and leave her alone.

However, it felt like she was letting the bastard get off too easy. Ino had assured her that she would give him Hell in her stead for awhile, maybe even turn Chouji against him, maybe even go as far as tell his mother, which was lethal. Temari met his mother once. They got along pretty well. Oh yeah, if that woman found out what her son did, and Ino just might tell her, he was beyond dead. That woman was Hell on legs; Shikamaru'd be at Suna's gate begging to come in, and would Temari let him in? HELL NO. If he chose to be persistent, he could speak to the Kazekage, and should he survive that, he could go die somewhere out in the desert for all she cared.

Temari always thought that there was no man in the world she could loath more than her (thankfully late) father. Apparently, Temari thought wrong.

[ T B C

A/N: I'm posting this a day early because I'm impatient. The part where the shit hits the fan is always fun. Now what do y'all think Shikamaru's gonna do now that he's in so much trouble? Ohohoho, poor Shika-boo, but he's just the sort of character who begs to be tormented this way. -pets him-

I drew a pic for this fic and posted it on my GJ, if anyone wants to see it. Just head to the bottom of my user profile. If you don't see it there right away, leave and try again later. This site processes bio edits too slow.