Never Again
Standard Disclaimers apply. Me don't own. Never have and never will.
Warning: Uhm, more angst?

It was – or it should have been – quiet and peaceful, the perfect time (frankly, the only time) to sort out the thousand darkened, muddled thoughts swimming inside her head. She felt strangely scattered. Like parts of her were flying away and she couldn't quite pull herself together, to be whole and functioning.

There were moments when she'd be startled by someone offering a quick, gentle pat on her hand, a murmur of sympathy, grave and grayed faces, smiling sadly, almost apologetically at her.

There's a fraction of a second where wonder and panic would seize her heart: someone died?!

And then, she'd remember and it would all come back in a rush, with a force of speeding train charging towards her, slamming her with the awful memory.

Because she was, first and foremost, a logical person, she'd like to think that this death – and she had seen many – had somehow unhinged her. Not in the emotional, maddened with grief kind of way, but with how she had dealt with the aftermath…this, the way she had acted, practically abandoning Yahiko and Sano, giving up on Kenshin – this wasn't what she would have done, at all.

It was like she had reverted back to her old self when she had let Kanryuu control her life and she had helplessly followed him, because she thought there was just no other way. She had vowed never to be that Megumi again, that she would rise up and face everything head on, even if it was something as hopeless and final as death. But she didn't. She had failed everyone. But mostly, she had failed herself.

Facts mattered to her. They were hard, tangible evidence, something that she could trust and hold on to. And she strove hard to focus on these.

Fact Number One: ever since she had gotten herself separated from her family, this was the first time death had touched her again, on a personal level. Not that she and Kaoru were the closest of friends, but they had gone through a lot of tough times. Some experiences ensured a bond that went beyond friendship.

Fact Number Two: it wasn't just a passing of a soul. It had been a vicious, visceral crime. They had not been prepared for this. They had assumed that maybe, in the off chance that Yukishiro possessed more skill and strength than Kenshin, maybe they would lose him. But not Kaoru. She had never once crossed their mind, not when it was already too late. And they were all ill-prepared to deal with the outcome of Yukishiro's jinchuu.

Fact Number Three: she was tired. So, so incredibly worn-out. She hadn't been able to sleep, to sit down and just close her eyes for a moment and just… breathe.

All these contributed to her current state of mind. She couldn't grasp at the things that she should be thinking and doing and feeling. They were just too many.

She was trying not to hate the perfectness of the weather, the way the porcelain blue sky above them seemed so endless and filled with possibilities – with warmth and life; she was trying to string together words to say goodbye, to apologize, to not hate and put blame. She was trying not to cry.

All these needed a degree of concentration that was only possible with the mechanical way her feet moved forward. Left foot first, then right, then left, and again right. Slow, small steps. And she had just started to straighten out some of her tangled thoughts when it was abruptly cut short.

An elbow brushed against her arms and without even looking, she knew who it was. It was inexplicable – how she could differentiate his presence from the rest of the crowd. It was like some sort of inner twitch inside of her that would send signals to her brain: It's him.

This knowing without seeing, she'd come to reluctantly accept this; no longer questioning what it meant. She hadn't even tried to understand why. It was something that she really didn't want to figure out. Not yet anyway.

But yes, now, here, she didn't need to glance up to know who had interrupted her contemplations.

They had not started out walking together. She hadn't even seen him since the palanquin was brought out of the dojo. She had assumed he was somewhere with the mourners and that he was – or they were still avoiding each other. She glanced at him, wondering why he was suddenly invading her personal space after they have exhaustingly made sure that they were never together in the same room.

He didn't seem to be aware of her, which irritated her. Like always. She felt her indignation slowly growing, expanding and pushing everything else aside and it made her feel – suddenly, like herself again. For the first time since the attack at the dojo, it didn't feel like she was having an out of body experience, unanchored and floating aimlessly away, into oblivion. She felt yanked back – and she welcomed it.

She was here; maddened by the fact that Sanosuke was clueless at the sudden surge of life inside of her. He was gracelessly ambling besides her, staring straight ahead, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his pants. He was close enough for her to hear him grumbling underneath his breath: quick, angry words that didn't make sense to her, a string of curses, followed by snarling and teeth grinding. He made hissing sounds, eyes roaming around, making rude gestures at some of the people who were walking with them.

This was the nearest they had been since she had helplessly watched Sanosuke explain to Yahiko what had happened.

She remembered Yahiko snapping at Sano, telling him how wrong he was, that Kenshin would never, ever just leave, no matter what his reasons might be.

Sano lost what little patience he still had in him. Frustrated and little more than just angry, he grabbed Yahiko by the shoulders, shaking him senseless, completely forgetting that the boy had just woken up and was still recovering from his injuries.

"Why the fuck would I lie about this, Yahiko, huh? Do you think I'm having fun telling you these things?"

Yahiko matched Sano's anger, wriggling away from his hold, an angry fist raised inches from Sano's nose, "Don't touch me!"

This was an oft repeated demand from Yahiko. It was like a personal insult to him that they were trying to hug him, hold his hand and console him. What little effort they could muster to show Yahiko that they too knew of his pain, seemed intolerable to the young boy.

Sano blinked at him, shaking his head. "He left, ok? Kenshin is gone. Probably off to hunt that psychotic bastard. Alone. The selfish, stupid…when I get my hands on him…Kami help me, I'm going to kill them both."

It was probably the most inappropriate thing to say and trust Sano to say exactly just that. It had been all instinct when she promptly smacked Sano at the back of the head. They ended up arguing, of course, with Yahiko stomping out of the dojo, muttering about having to deal with childish adults.

That was the last time she and Sano had talked. He had accused her being an unfeeling bitch to which her reply had been a resounding, conversation-stopping slap.

Sano had busied himself with getting the dojo fixed. Salvaged was more like it. She didn't know how he managed to get all those men to help. Ruffians and gamblers. They had all been so startling polite with her. It was like beneath all that grime, they were polished gentlemen just waiting to emerge or be coaxed out of their smoky, filthy gambling dens. They confused her. She knew how to deal with arrogant, slimy bastards but not men who suddenly became soft spoken whenever she or Tsubame or Tae were near. She wasn't quite sure how to deal with them. They seem to even hesitate around Yahiko, minimizing their swearing and jostling around.

Not that Yahiko noticed it. She had caught him once, standing guard by the dojo entrance, wary of them, eyes slanting as he tried to catch anyone who might unwittingly disrespect the dojo, but they had all steered clear away from him. They were curious of course, a female shihondai, a female dead shihondai. Murdered inside. What kind of dojo was this exactly? But they weren't curious enough to earn the wrath of the little boy who stood like a royal guard by the engawa.

And while Sanosuke was leading the band of tentatively reformed drunkards to patch up the dojo, she had decided to stay at the clinic, because people still got sick and needed to be seen and treated. She was ashamed to admit that she had let Yahiko deal with all the necessary preparations, but it was what the boy wanted. Demanded actually. His eyes brightened by the tears he had finally shed, his jaws quivering, his little arms crossed against his chest.

He tried very hard not to appear like a child, even when he was at his most vulnerable. Pointing out that he was a child and that he shouldn't be dealing with such matters seemed like an unnecessary cruelty.

She understood this behavior. Yahiko wanted to keep moving, keep doing something, have things to think about and decide on. It was a very adult thing to do.

Maybe because he had missed what had happened, he was trying to compensate. Or maybe because he loved his Busu-sama so much he was unable to just let go of the dojo – of the things that Kaoru loved, because somehow they were extensions of her. They weren't a living, breathing thing that he could take comfort from, but the dojo was hers and the dojo would be taken care of. Her things would be taken care of. Yahiko saw to that.

He had sat with Tae as they tried to take account of all the personal belongings. The ribbons, the kimonos, the small girlish trinkets that were carefully arranged inside her room; they didn't know she had a fondness for delicate fans and small but intricate hair clips. Yahiko had looked slightly amused, seeing Kaoru's hidden treasures. All of that were catalogued and gently boxed. Yahiko was still undecided on how to dispose of them.

"Only if you want to Yahiko-chan," She had heard Tae gently telling Yahiko.

"Who'd I give them to? And…I don't want other people…you know, touching her stuff…"

"Wakata, Yahiko-chan. You're a good bo—young man. She'd be very proud of you."

"Yeah, well, I'm really more scared she'd haunt me if she found out I gave her things away. And…and please stop crying. She'd hate it if we were all sad."

For a child, he had shockingly made smart and careful decisions. She didn't even know all the details of how the estate will be taken care of, but Oguni-sensei had told her, when she finally had the nerve to inquire, that she need not worry about it, Yahiko was taking charge. Yahiko!

Maybe that was why she and Sano were acting like this. They were both filled with cringe-inducing guilt and embarrassment at how they had avoided all the difficult tasks. The mere mention of Kaoru's name was enough to send them both out of the room, running to some important or forgotten errand.

They would have reluctantly handled everything if Yahiko had been an angry, sobbing mess, but he had been the exact opposite of that, and so they both slowly started taking a few steps back, letting Yahiko have more and more control, practically leaving everything for him to deal with.

He was after all, as he himself had declared, practically family. The last word always said with fierceness it brought out an ache inside her chest. Family. It reminded her of her own family. It made her think of them but, like everything else that poked and prodded her heart; she quickly brushed aside those thoughts.

So yes, she will admit to this shame: she and Sano had left Yahiko alone, exactly when the boy had needed them most. They'd come to the dojo, but only to ask Yahiko what was to happen next. If they needed to do things outside the dojo, away from the sounds of mourning and grief, away from the blood stains, away from the scent of death and regret, away from horror that seemed to throb and wait at the dojo's corners, waiting to pounce on them, sink its claws deeper and drag them back to that night.

They'd silently listen as Yahiko explained what will happen – no, what he wanted to happen – and they'd both mumble their ascent, nodding their head and then quickly disappearing to their own little worlds.

It was foolish and irresponsible but Yahiko hadn't been there to hear the desperate, anguished, inhuman cry that Kenshin made when he'd screamed Kaoru's name. He hadn't been there to see Kenshin's despair. The way his eyes had slowly darkened, the light behind it suddenly dulled, extinguished, until it looked nothing like the eyes of a man alive. He didn't see the blood stain getting larger and larger, the dark, black-red spilling forward, as though reaching out to them. He didn't have to watch Sano carry Kaoru inside her room, her lifeless arms dangling like a broken doll. Yahiko didn't have to kneel down and wash the blood off her face, the cut on her cheeks. The two angry slashes that had made Megumi recoil in horror as though she had finally realized that this was Kaoru.

Kaoru. The girl she had tormented and teased. She had always played with Kaoru's insecurities. Growing up motherless, she knew Kaoru had always worried that there were things she didn't know, didn't understand. Couldn't know and couldn't understand. It was an old wound that Megumi always tried to scratch, tearing away the scabs. Always pointing out how unfeminine Kaoru was, like it was something the younger woman ought to change, when she herself had shed long ago what society declared how women should be: shy and sweet, docile and nearly invisible.

Megumi had fought hard to be a doctor, to be respected as a doctor and there she was, belittling a girl who lived all by herself, trying to run a dojo on her own, teaching her father's words. Kaoru should have been proud of the callouses on her fingers, testament to how strong she had been and yet, Megumi had often mocked how rough her hands were, how she smelled like sweat and wood.

"No man would ever want!"(You'd be alone forever.)

"Your cooking is atrocious! Poor Kenshin! I feel sorry for him!"(You're not good enough.)

They were both strong and independent women and she should have done nothing but tell Kaoru that. She and Kaoru were alike in so many ways. But she only realized this when it didn't mean anything anymore. Remorse had slowly filled her and then shame and then regret.

Regret was the worst. It was too late. Too late to say sorry. Too late to tell Kaoru that she was just tired of being alone and she didn't resent the fact that Kenshin had obviously chosen her – or that Sano and Yahiko (though it wasn't always obvious) practically worshipped the ground she walked on. If anyone had asked Kenshin and Sano and Yahiko who is the most precious person in their life, they'd have all one answer.

"Kaoru-dono."

"Geez. What a stupid question. But, ok. Busu-sama. And don't you dare tell her! She won't believe you anyway."

"You mean, like alive? I guess, jou-chan can be precious. When she wants to be. I'd get smacked though, if I told her she's precious. She'd say I'm an idiot. She wants to be more… fierce, you know? Not precious. But yeah, Jou-chan."

Takani Megumi was jealous not of Kaoru, but of how an inexperienced, innocent girl, with her heart on her sleeves, could represent hope and home. Megumi had hated girls like that all her life. They didn't hide behind a wall, didn't lock up their emotions and weren't scared to show how they feel. They smiled, and everything seemed to instantly become better, brighter. That kind of warmth didn't come naturally to her. And she hated it. And she couldn't understand why.

Megumi remembered starting at the bloodied towel clutched in her hand, still somehow, unable believe that this had happened. It had been so quick and brutal. Horrible was not enough to describe the nightmare scene that she had witnessed.

Unreal. Maybe that was a word that can be used. Because that's exactly how she felt.

She had moved clumsily, awkwardly, with heavy limbs, like she was underwater. Things around her were blurry along the edges. She couldn't find her voice, couldn't offer Kenshin or Sano any kind of consoling gesture. She just sat there, stunned and unable to do anything but bow her head and close her eyes and wish a thousand wishes that would and could never be.

She wished she had been kinder, gentler with her teasing, less scathing in her comments. She wished there was a way to save her. She wished she could have turned her head, looked at Kenshin and in an urgent, completely professional voice had been able to say: "It's alright Ken-san, I can save her! She'll be ok. She'll be fine. You'll have her back in no time."

Futile wishes. All of them. The reality was she had done nothing. Not even a half-hearted attempt to stop the flow of blood from that small wound on the chest. Such a small cut, but so terribly lethal. She had known the moment she had seen the deadened, unseeing eyes. She had been a doctor far too long to not know Death.

She vaguely remembered Saitou towering above her. She could see the tips of his dusty shoes, an unfinished cigarette crushed beneath it, the embers still faintly glowing. "She needs to be cleaned up. Can you at least do that? Because if you can't, I'm going to have to ask a more capable doctor to do it, so, really, it's up to you."

She whipped her head up so fast, it made her feel dizzy. She glared at the policeman. All the hatred she felt for Death and Fate and Revenge and the senselessness of Yukishiro's jinchuu, she channeled all of that when she hatefully told Saitou to go fuck himself. And then she had asked Kenshin and Sano to take Kaoru inside the dojo. But only Sano obeyed. When she looked at her side, Kenshin was gone.

That was the last time she had seen the ruruoni. God knows how he was still able to walk away unnoticed after all the injuries that he had just sustained. She could only hope that Kenshin was fine – but his wounds were untreated and so many complications and infections can set in. Not to mention his emotional and mental state and then Sano was besides her, scooping up Kaoru's lifeless body, and she had forgotten all about Kenshin.

She sat with Kaoru for a long time. Until she could feel the cold inside her own chest, settling there like lead weight. She had cleaned off all the blood and there was nothing left to do but to go outside and tell Sano to call the sogisha. But no one seemed to be in a hurry, not even Saitou who had calmly stood by the closed shoji door to inform her that he was going to the police station and will have a squad at the dojo soon.

"You tell that Rooster Head to stay away from the crime scene. If he touches anything again, I'm going to haul him off to jail. I'm going to send for Oguni-sensei, have to make things official. Are you sure you can handle this?"

She had coldly retorted that Saitou go to hell. Either Saitou hadn't heard her or he wasn't interested in what she had to say, because she only heard the fading sound of his footsteps. It occurred to her later on, that perhaps Saitou was just trying to be kind, in his own incomprehensible way, but she was far too distracted to even realize it that time.

Megumi had spent a long time starting at her lap, where she held the towel. The blood had started to settle on her hands, staining her kimono with a faint color of red. A faded, weaker color. But the stench of blood had started to fill up the room, going stronger by the minute. The metallic scent made her stomach curl, the muscles clenching and unclenching. The familiar burn of acid and nausea rose up to her throat and she started gasping and breathing through her mouth.

She was going to have to give an official statement on how Kaoru died, Saitou made that clear and she was supposed to give all the details, but she couldn't go beyond the customary checking of the pulse (none). She didn't even have the heart to measure the depth of the fatal would and give a thorough inspection of the body for any other sign of injuries.

She thought she could handle it, to examine the body like it was a stranger. It wasn't and she couldn't pretend otherwise.

Hurrying to stand up, she almost tripped on her own legs as she scrambled to get out the room, into the engawa, where she had promptly vomited. Clutching her stomach, her hands cold and clammy, Megumi thought, "I'm a doctor, I'm not weak. I can do this."

But her heart was screaming that she had lost something important. Something precious and she hadn't even realized it. The girl inside, the dead girl with two slashes on her cheeks and a pierced heart, that girl could have been like a sister to her. If she had only opened up her heart and had tried to be kinder, warmer, more welcoming. If she tried to be more of a friend than a sort-of-rival for a man and then she remembered what she had told Kaoru the other night.

"You're no replacement to Tomoe-san"

She had said it disdainfully, realizing only belatedly how sharp a cut this would have been to Kaoru. She had wanted to take it back somehow, because she'd seen Kaoru flinch. Or she thought she did, because the girl had snapped back a quick reply, head held up high, defiant as always.

But yes, thinking about it now… she was certain that Kaoru had briefly looked at her with blue eyes filled with hurt and betrayal. Like she had wanted to ask her, "how could you say that to me Megumi? Why would you say something like that? I thought we were friends."

And remembering that, Megumi broke down, crying like she hadn't cried in a long time. "Oh Kaouru, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it that way. You're everything to Kenshin. You're his whole world."

But what good would those words do when it was already too late?

Megumi shook her head, trying to get rid of the memory from her head. She had done enough self-loathing every time she'd find her mind drifting to what had happened that night. And this was exactly why she and Sano had avoided each other. Seeing him brought out feelings and memories that she didn't want to dwell on. All the horror, anger, sadness, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness. All the crippling emotions that she swore she would never let herself feel again. They all come back in waves, nearly drowning her.

From beside her, as though still not realizing who he was walking beside, Sano muttered another batch death threats and bodily harm. His anger was so very apparent; it was emitting its own kind of heat and scent. Megumi thought she could taste ashes in her mouth, smell sulfur. No, this was not anger, this was something more potent than that. Something dangerous.

She understood where this was all coming from, but this wasn't the place, or the time to act like a barbarian. Fortunately, she was close enough to elbow him, which she did and that earned her a hateful glare. He made a show of slanting his eyes, a clear wordless message: 'Oh it's you. Now, back the fuck off!'

Finally pulling herself out for her reverie and self-examination, Megumi decided it was time to end their ridiculous behavior, if not for Yahiko's sake, at least for her. To finally start some sort of healing, of acceptance. So she rolled her eyes at him before grabbing on to his arms and pulling herself up so she could lean on him as she stood on her tiptoes.

She was aware at the numerous pairs of eyes suddenly staring at them. There were plenty of gossips to go around for the week. A month, even. Hell, she wouldn't be surprised if people would still be talking about this for the whole year. This little display of inappropriate behavior will be just an additional juicy detail, of course. She already has an idea on what people would be saying. Trust that Lady Doctor and that Street Fighter to make a scene. At the funeral procession, no less.

Well, nothing could be done about that. She had learned long ago that people will always talk and there is absolutely no way of pleasing everyone. Faults would always be found and discussed. Especially amongst the small minded. Ignoring them, she pressed herself closer to Sano, her lips barely skimming his ears and succinctly told him to stop acting line a lunatic.

"What do you think you're doing?" She didn't exactly expect a reply but before she could say anything else, she noticed the smell of alcohol wafting off from him. She was fairly certain, seeing the state of dojo's finances, that there were no foods or liquor served during the maru-tsuya. It had been a quiet, somber but simple affair. He had probably crawled back to his place around midnight, started drinking and then decided to join the procession, in this state.

"Kami-sama, you smell like a filthy jug of sake. I expected better behavior from you, Sanosuke." There was an accusing tone in her voice that she didn't bother to hide.

Sano shrugged her off with a roll of his shoulder. Eyes glinting angrily, he lightly pushed her away from him. "Who the fuck are these people?! Do you know anyone of them? Where were they when jou-chan needed students? When the dojo was being attacked? They're not family. They're not friends. They're complete strangers! They're not here for her! I'll tell you why they're here," he paused, seething with rage. "They're here for the manju. The bastards."

He'd gotten so worked up, his voice had become louder. The whispered conversations around them immediately stopped. A small cluster of these strangers glanced at their direction, further enraging Sano. "What are you looking at, huh?! Who are you?!"

She flashed them all a small grimace of apology, bowing her head low and attempted to divert Sano's attention by elbowing him yet again. This time, she made sure it hurt, targeting a rib. "We don't even have manju, you idiot." Megumi reminded him.

Sano didn't even flinch. "Otomurai kasegi. Fuckers." He spat at the ground, looking for faces he didn't know, glaring at them, a silent promise that he'd look for them later. After the funeral, he'd come knocking at their door and he'd let them have a taste of the pain he was feeling right now.

She placed, what she hope, was a calming hand on Sano's arm, "They're neighbors, Sano. They can be here if they want to. They knew her too."

"Just leave me alone, will you?" Sano told her, not unkindly. There was even a hint of pleading in his voice and Megumi would've backed off before, her pride wounded by Sano brushing her off when she was trying to show him that she cared. But she was done trying to be safe and alone behind her wall.

"And what good would that do?" She insisted, grabbing Sano by the arms and pulling him to the side. "Look at you! You need to take a bath and I don't think you've eaten anything since that night…"

"Oh and what," Sano said, cutting her off, "now you suddenly care?"

"Sano, we have to stop doing this!"

"I'm fine. Look, I'll take a bath so I won't offend you anymore and I'll go mooch off at Tae-san. There are you happy?!"

"No, I'm not happy. No one is happy, Sano." She hissed back at him. She paused to take a deep breath and swallowing hard, eyes closed; she reached the edge of her wall and leapt blindly. "We need you. Yahiko and I. Now, more than ever, we need you."

Sano's whole face darkened, as though her admission of needing him was a physical blow. He didn't need that burden now, she knew, but Megumi wasn't sure how she was going to survive this day if Sano would go missing too. Or would come back to the clinic cut and bloodied.

"Please, Sano." She added, cringing at how difficult it was to be honest with her feelings, to show how she truly felt and not hide behind her usual haughty comments. "This… this is enough," she made a hopeless, sweeping gesture around them and Sano followed the movement of her hands, staring at it until she let it drop onto her side. He didn't look back at her; instead he kept his eyes downcast, silently mulling over things.

"No more fighting. And drinking. Promise me that. We need to go back to the dojo and face whatever comes next."

Sano didn't say anything for a long time, but she could tell that he was still angry. The way his jaw worked, clenching and unclenching, she knew that though hidden inside the pockets, his fists were tightly balled up in fists as his eyes roamed the line of mourners that had started to enter the temple.

And Megumi finally understood, with a start, that Sano had been looking for a particular person.

Of course! Why hadn't she seen it?! He wasn't even remotely pissed off at the strangers who had attended the funeral march. He was far, far angrier that Kenshin wasn't here. Megumi swallowed hard. Unsure of what to say. Suddenly afraid that Sano wouldn't like it if he knew how easily she could read him.

She was upset by Kenshin's absence, of course, but she was more worried at the possible state the rurouni was in. She wouldn't be surprised if Kenshin was lying somewhere in the ditch, unconscious, his body trying to heal itself. Kenshin was used to such lamentable situations. He was a survivor. He had lived through the war, but he had been younger then and he had a reason to live. Now though, Megumi wasn't sure.

She was suddenly surprised to hear Sano blurt out that she was right. She turned to him, perplexed, wondering if she had spoken her fears out loud.

"You're absolutely right." Sano repeated, "I wouldn't want to waste my time and energy on these lowlifes. I'll wait until we find Kenshin. We'll track down that psychopath, we'll avenge jou-chan and everyone can just fuck off." He slammed his right fist against the palm of his left hand, his jaws set.

Megumi suddenly felt cold. She stepped away from Sano and wrapped her arms around herself. Was that what they really needed? More bloodshed? She didn't think she could handle it anymore. She had seen too much and she was tired, so very tired, of trying to heal and to put things back together. She didn't know how to be hopeful and smile and be encouraging. That wasn't her, that was what Kaoru… and that was already lost now. Without her, they'd never really be a family, never again.

She suddenly longed to not care, to just let Sano do whatever the hell he wanted to. It was too tiring, caring this much and letting it show for everyone to sneer at it, take it for granted, ignore it. How does Kaoru do it? She wasn't built for this. It would be better if she just…if she could just move on, just go forward and forget about everything. Maybe she ought to go home now; there was nothing for her here.

Yahiko…Yahiko can take care of himself. He didn't need her. No one needed her here.

She watched as Sanosuke marched on, his head bobbing up and down, as his strides got longer, hurrying up to catch up with the last of the crowd. Megumi didn't know even what sort of ceremony they'll have. Yahiko didn't want Kaoru to be cremated and that was all that she knew.

She looked around her, realizing that she had been walking amongst strangers. Yahiko was probably with Tae and Tsubame, Sano with his ruffian friends. She had seen Oguni-sensei earlier with Maekawa Miyauchi, the two of them had looked tired and devastated by the loss, Kaoru had been their only connection to Koshijirou Kamiya, their old friend, and now that too was gone.

Megumi was sure Saitou was at the sidelines, leading a couple of young policemen that were escorting the procession, keeping their distance but still alert for any possible reappearance of Yukishiro (or Kenshin), and there she was, mourning all by herself.

Maybe, after all this time, she had really been an outsider. Not really part of the family that they had built around Kaoru. Maybe she had kidded herself into believing that if she offered her heart to Sano and Yahiko and Kenshin, they would accept it and they could all try to heal each other wounds.

How wrong she was. She was the one who couldn't replace Kaoru.

Megumi felt the bitter tears threatening to spill. She swallowed hard, as her heart painfully tried to accept this fact. It would be easier to leave now, with this realization.

Unbidden and without warning, a voice inside the deepest part of her suddenly spoke up; it was insistently urging her to find Sano and stop him. Make him see reason, make him understand.

He's got it all wrong. This was last thing that Kaoru would have wanted. Kaoru would rather that they find Kenshin and take care of him. Kaoru wouldn't want to be avenged if it meant that they'd get hurt. She would never forgive you if you let them go into this mindless quest for revenge. This wasn't what Kaoru would have wanted for them. Especially not for Yahiko, he's still young and despite all the tragedies he had faced, he still has a chance for a bright and peaceful future. You have to tell Sano this! He'll listen to you.

Megumi shook her head, but…

Please Megumi, please don't give up yet. They need you.

Megumi's heart stopped. She let out an audible gasp, her hands clenching her chest. She thought maybe…was that Kaoru's voice? She blinked back her tears and tried to clear her mind, to hear Kaoru's voice one last time.

Say something, Tanuki! What do you want me to do?!

But the voice was gone.

And it was useless really, because she already knew what she had to do. Not because she wanted to replace Kaoru or because it would make her feel better, but because this was who she was. Takani Megumi, although she might have moments of self-doubt (unknown to many) she would never, ever give up on her friends and her family.

They were family. She, Kenshin and Sano and Yahiko. They might be broken now, having lost Kaoru, but that still didn't mean that she would just leave them behind. She was done leaving people behind. She may not be a ray of light, but she was a voice of reason, and those boys – those men, will listen to her. She wasn't just going to stand by and let them do stupid things. Kaoru would roll her eyes at her if she let those idiots fend off for themselves.

I'm not giving up. I'm never giving up on them. Are you listening to me, Kaoru? You don't have to worry about them anymore.

Squaring her shoulder, standing taller, Megumi plowed through the crowd to catch up with Sanosuke, she didn't care if Sano and Yahiko didn't want to be scolded or comforted or both, she would do exactly just that. Then they will find Kenshin and they will make sure that he was alright. Because it was something Kaoru would have done and because deep down, despite how different they may seem to other people, she and Kaoru were exactly alike: they both loved their family. Fiercely. And they will do everything they can to protect them.

It's what every woman does best.

Translations:

1. Maru-tsuya – full wakes, lasted throughout the night. Rituals depend mostly on religious affiliation, but usually there would be some fanfare and food and liquor would be provided. Generally, wakes are supposed to be lively affairs.

2. Sogisha – funeral companies

3. manju - sweet buns, usually given during funerals

4. otomurai kasegi - "making money mourning", people pretended to be funeral guests in order to receive gifts (manju or other sweets that could then be resold or traded to stores)

Notes: Ok, wow, this turned into a thirteen page thing. Haha. It would not seem like it, but this was the hardest to write. Megumi is hard to write and I have so much uncertainty with trying to tell the story through her voice. She isn't my favorite character in the series, but she was awesome in her own way. I know my Megumi here is a bit OC but I hope you can forgive me for that, especially those who love her. I tried my best to show how I see her and how I think she would react or feel during this time frame in the manga. I wanted her strong but just a little bit unsure of herself and her place in the Kenshin-gumi, especially now that Kaoru's gone. I think I might have tried to squeeze in everything in one chapter and it's a bit cluttered. As always, I'll probably re-read this and do some massive editing, so please feel free to let me know what you guys think. I love getting feedback and comments – it helps me to see things in a different way and realize things I hadn't realized when I was writing this. So, yeah. Thanks everyone for reading. Until next time.

Also, all the funeral customs mentioned here were taken from: Changes in Japanese Urban Funeral Customs during the Twentieth Century by Murakami Kokyo (Japanese Journal of Religious Studies 2000 27/3-4)