It takes five days to get to the Resistance base and a single day to latch onto General Leia like an excited little puppy. She's never seen a woman in such a powerful position before- never seen much of anyone besides Luke Skywalker. There's familiarity there, in the shape of the face and the wise glint in their eye. Leia feels old and new at the same time.
What's even more exciting is the people. She's never seen so many before, of so many different ages, skill-sets, pasts, coming together under one common goal. Their comradery is intoxicating and it doesn't take much for Nin to find herself swept up in it. She cheers with them in victory; shares their sullen silence in loss. Certain faces become commonplace in her memory. Poe, the best pilot in the Resistance with a smile that makes her blush. Jessica Pava, who lets her sit in the cockpit every so often and points out switches and gears so she can learn. Finn, a Stormtrooper gone rouge who likes to watch Nin when she practices her combat skills. She can sense he wants to be a Jedi, but his lack of force-sensitivity makes this dream impossible. He's the first to volunteer as a guide when it comes time for her to make a lightsaber. Under Chewbacca's protection and piloting, they pluck a crystal from the caves of Dantooine, a shimmery, beautiful, pale blue thing that sends a shiver down Nin's spine when she holds it. For the first time in her life the Force is not just a simple trick of her mind. It courses through her, uncontrollable, pulsing, delicious. She can feel it- both light and dark.
"Nin, come with me."
She swallows thickly and hides the stone away in a little compartment, wrapped in cloth for the duration of the trip home.
Nin thinks constructing the lightsaber is the hardest thing she's ever had to do. Five days of mediation in the bowels of the Resistance headquarters, refusing any breaks, afraid she'll loose concentration as well as results. Life buzzes about her as if she's in the core of a beehive, felt in the Force, but in her little room it is dark and noiseless. By the time the lightsaber is complete, she is dehydrated and starving. She summons the last of her strength to ignite it. It's heavy and dangerous and vibrates ever so slightly in her grip. It's beautiful.
And she hardly gets to use it. The only missions General Leia allows her are simple and quick. Scavenge for usable aircraft in desolate, uncivilized planets; guard the litter of children the Resistance has either adopted or bred when they wish to play in the forest outside headquarters; negotiate a few trades for much needed supplies. The only thing she gets to slice into is the air during practice.
But this changes quickly. The war against the First Order is getting rougher. They destroyed the Starkiller Base but it's Supreme Leader still has a strong hold over a large portion of the galaxy and it's reach is expanding every day. News of planets taken over or destroyed comes to the Resistance like a flood and though they fight tooth and nail with every fibre of every being, it never seems to be enough. They're rapidly loosing pilots and fighters. Nin cannot be hidden away anymore.
The first time she kills, it's but a flare in a mind that is submerged in a plethora of emotions. It's a Stormtrooper, a white robotic suit without a voice or free-will. She dimly understands there is human life underneath- Finn is proof of that- but it's hard to remember when it shoots a blaster bolt that nearly tears off her arm. He falls in one swift move, decapitated, and there is the smell of burning flesh in an already pungent air.
There is no emotion, only peace.
Around is her more carnage. Huts are ablaze from torches, civilians scatter bare-footed into the thick forest, but most are shot down before they can reach the edge of the village. To her left, a baby weeps, trapped under her mother's lifeless body. This sight is familiar; she sees it in her dreams every night. Where once she felt horror, this scene feels out of reach and intangible. Like a picture in a story book.
When she's lying in the medical bay the next day, she begins to question the difference between light and dark. Both paths wreak of blood.