A/N: Thanks for your reviews.
Chapter 3- Be Careful What You Wish For
Two days had passed since Sarah's visit and so far, to Johanna's relief, there hadn't been any visitors. Johanna sighed a little after double checking that she had locked the door behind Jim when he had left for work. There hadn't been any new visitors…there were, however, signs that Sarah was staying close and making her presence known. She hadn't seen her grandmother but sometimes she smelled her perfume in the air; one of her diaries had mysteriously been left on the bed, the book open to a passage Sarah had written about heartache and the advice her mother had imparted about it. The butterfly paperweight on her desk had been moved; her LifeSavers were missing again…but that could've been Jim…she wasn't sure who to blame for the LifeSavers.
Sarah also seemed to be getting her kicks by tormenting Jim a little. For the past two days, Jim had been the victim of misplaced car keys, his files had been pushed onto the floor, and there had been an hour when the remote wouldn't work for him…but would work for her. Johanna gave a soft laugh as she headed for the office, remembering how irritated he had been about that. He was also the victim of a misbehaving cell phone…that would out of nowhere begin to play music loudly whenever it was left unattended. She, of course, was getting the blame for these antics that befell her husband…with the exception of the phone. She had been cleared of suspicion in that caper when it started blaring music while she was in the shower the night before. When he had left for work, Jim had told her that he was stopping to have his phone checked before going to the office. Johanna smiled as she settled in at her desk; she'd like to see his face when they told him that there was nothing wrong with it. She figured Sarah's mischievous pranks would settle down after awhile…once she had felt she had sufficiently proven her presence.
Johanna opened her laptop to check her email and browse the internet. It was part of her morning routine and for the first time in two days, she felt more relaxed than she had been despite the somewhat restless night she'd had. She kept jerking awake, searching for ghosts that never appeared…thankfully. Maybe they weren't coming, she thought to herself. Maybe her fear had caused them to change their minds. It was fine with her if they had. She didn't need to be haunted…or visited, as Sarah had insisted on calling it. Sure, she wanted to feel like her loved ones were still near and watching over her…but popping in for God knows what kind of lecture…that she could do without.
After awhile of browsing online, she began to get sleepy; the last few nights of little sleep catching up with her. Johanna yawned and leaned back in her chair, drawing her legs up so that she could curl up, snuggling into the comfortable, familiar feel of the mauve colored chair. The house was quiet except for the low sound of the television playing in the living room and the sound of the furnace as it clicked on. The room grew warmer as she closed her eyes, feeling no inclination to relocate to the couch in the living room or even upstairs to her bed. She had taken many cat naps in her chair over the years…when her paperwork would sometimes bore her into a coma or a sleepless night caught up with her. Johanna breathed deeply, sleep swiftly crashing over her and she gave into it willingly, feeling as though she was safe from the threat of ghostly visitors.
It was cold…the room had been nice and warm, Johanna thought sleepily as she began to wake; a shiver racing through her body. Jim had turned the heat up before he left; why did she feel so chilly? She snuggled against the back of her chair, her eyes still closed, refusing to give up on her nap; but then the sound of the piano jerked her awake. Her heart thumped against her ribs as she bolted upright in the chair; her eyes moving in the direction of the piano, landing upon the figure that sat upon the piano bench; a slight shimmer around her being.
"Mama?" Johanna murmured; her throat suddenly tight and dry.
Naomi McKenzie turned her head in her daughter's direction and smiled. "If you'd allow yourself to sleep at night, you wouldn't have to nap during the day," she remarked.
She shivered once more. "It's hard to sleep lately…when it's quiet and dark; it's easier for things to stick in your mind."
Her mother nodded. "I know, dear. I also know that you better start playing this piano more; you need the practice. I've heard you hit a few sour notes every once in awhile. You try to be perfect on the first try…you get in a hurry and try to rush the music…and you know that I taught you to take your time; to let it flow naturally."
"Mom, what are you doing here?" Johanna asked; her heart still racing.
"You know why I'm here; Johanna. Your grandmother told you that you'd be having a few visitors. You shouldn't look so surprised and worried."
"Yeah; well, one ghostly encounter can be overlooked but two feels worrisome."
Her mother gave a soft laugh. "But you were quietly preparing for it…you even mentioned to Jim that you talk to me; and I want you to know, Bambina, that I'm always listening when you talk; don't ever feel silly about it or worry about your sanity. I'm listening, and when I can, I try to nudge you in whichever direction you need to go or to offer some form of comfort by allowing you to feel my presence…and popping into your dreams."
Johanna swallowed hard. "I miss you so much, Mama."
"I know, baby; I miss you too. Come closer; let me see you," her mother beckoned; making room on the bench for her to join her.
She got up from her chair with little hesitation; fighting the urge to run; wondering if it was possible to throw herself into her mother's arms for the embrace she had been craving and needing for so long. The familiar scent of her mother's perfume filled her senses as she slid onto the bench. "Mama," she murmured as she stared at her; her hands reaching, but pulling back, afraid there would be nothing but air for her fingertips to meet, despite being able to hug Sarah during her visit.
Naomi smiled softly. "I know."
"Can I please hug you?" she pleaded.
"Not right now…maybe later."
"I was able to hug Sarah," Johanna stated; hoping to plead her case for the use of whatever power Sarah had that had allowed that one hug.
"We'll discuss it later," Naomi insisted. "Your grandmother's hug satisfied you because you had never felt it before…but us…it won't feel the same, Bambina. You'll know the difference."
"Anything is better than nothing," she cried. "Please."
"Later, Johanna," she said soothingly; a cool fingertip grazing her daughter's chin. "Our visit is just beginning."
"Mama; am I dying? Is that why you're all coming?"
"Now you know you're not," Naomi remarked. "Your grandmother told you that you're not going anywhere; that you have a lot of life ahead, sweetheart. Don't be frightened of us; we're not bringing bad omens or bad news. We're coming because you seem to need us so badly…I didn't think it would be so worrisome for you."
"How could it not be?" she asked.
"Because you were told that you were fine."
"No offense to Sarah, but I trust you more."
"You're perfectly fine," Naomi assured. "You're not going anywhere and neither is anyone else you're worried about. We're here because you need us…you're troubled."
"That's putting it lightly," Johanna replied as she relaxed a bit.
Naomi nodded. "Before we get started, there's something we need to get straight."
Johanna twisted her hands nervously. "What?"
Her mother eyed her sternly. "This business of you always saying that I'm disappointed in you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've never been ashamed of you, Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie; and I better never hear those words cross your lips again or you'll get a visit from me you won't like."
Her chin quivered, tears filling her eyes. "How can you not be ashamed of me? I left my family…you never would've done that."
Cold, pale fingers, griped her chin; her mother's blue eyes stern as she forced her to hold her gaze. "To keep my children safe; I'd do anything…even if it meant I had to leave them. It would kill me inside, but I'd do it; any mother would do whatever it took to keep her child safe; even if it meant removing herself from their lives."
"You're just telling me that so I'll feel better," she murmured.
Naomi studied her intently. "Johanna, why did you leave?"
"You know why, Mom."
"Tell me."
"I left because the F.B.I. came to me and said that they had received a tip from a trustworthy source that there was a contract out on me. The source revealed the details of how it was to go down, but wouldn't reveal the person who ordered the hit. They had an idea though of who it was; he'd been on their radar but they didn't have enough hard, creditable evidence to make a case against him. He was good at looking clean…of hiding his dirty business," she stated; her slender hands shaking as she recalled the meeting.
"Go on," her mother encouraged.
"The tip said there was a trap laid for me…the F.B.I. said I had two choices; go along with their plan and go into hiding or take my chances. They told me that staying and avoiding the trap would only anger the person behind it…that if he had no qualms about killing me, he wouldn't have any problem killing Jim and Katie to make a point to me before finally taking me down. I couldn't take that chance…I couldn't play with their lives like that. I couldn't put them in that kind of danger for me. The F.B.I. said I couldn't tell anyone; that it had to look authentic; if it didn't and Jim and Katie acted suspiciously, it could put them in danger…the same danger they were working to remove. I made them promise me that they'd keep an eye on them…that if there was even the slightest hint of danger that they'd send them to be with me."
"So you made sure they were going to be taken care of," Naomi remarked.
"I was so afraid," Johanna whispered. "Afraid for them; afraid for me. I didn't want to go but I couldn't stay knowing they could pay the price for it. I couldn't tell them either. It hurt so much. I didn't want to go…but I didn't want them to be in danger…and I didn't want to die," she sobbed.
"Of course you didn't," her mother soothed. "And you weren't supposed to; that's why you were saved."
"I only thought it would be for a little while…I didn't know it would take so long. I never let myself believe that I wouldn't get back home…but if I hadn't left, I knew I wouldn't have the chance to come back to them…"
"And the option you took ensured that all three of you would be alive when you were reunited," Naomi stated. "You left because it was the only real option; you did it for the good of all of you."
Johanna nodded as she swiped at her cheeks. "I didn't know what else to do."
"There was nothing else to do; you did what you were supposed to. You don't need to agonize over making that choice; it was the right one, honey. You're meant to be here with Jim and Katie. It wasn't your time. You had a good reason."
"Some beg to differ."
"Those fools don't matter," her mother said tartly. "Did you leave because you were bored with your life and wanted something new?"
"No! I loved my life; I was happy. I had Katie in college and Jim and I were starting a new chapter of our lives now that we had raised our child. We had dreams and plans…there was never a day when I wasn't looking forward to coming home to him. I was still getting used to having Katie away from home so much…I missed her so badly."
Naomi gave a nod. "You weren't bored with your marriage; you didn't run off with another man?"
"You know I didn't and I never would!" Johanna exclaimed sharply; anger at the mere suggestion flooding her body. "I love my husband; he's the only man I ever want; there could never be another. I've never been unfaithful to him and if you're around as much as you claim to be then you ought to know that!"
Naomi gave a soft laugh. "There's my girl," she said warmly. "I know you've never been unfaithful to Jim; just as I've never been unfaithful to your father. I was just making you realize that your reason for going was pure; you had no other option. Your choice spared all of you. You're home now; yes, it took longer than anyone would've liked, but it had to be this way; and all that matters is that you're here now…you're rebuilding; your husband still loves you; he understands and he welcomed you home. Your daughter still loves you and understands."
She scoffed a little. "Sometimes I'm not sure about Katie."
Her mother gave a small smile. "We'll get to her in a minute. But the point is; you were in an impossible situation and you made the only logical choice. It was the choice of a woman who loves her family and wants to keep them safe; and who also wants to keep herself safe so that she can come back to them and be a part of their lives again. You have to make your peace with that, Johanna. It happened this way because it was how it was supposed to be. I know that if things could've been done differently; if you had the chance to go back and do it all over, you wouldn't take that case…but you can't do it over. You're alive and so are they; because you did what you had to do. Make your peace, sweetheart…you have to or it's going to eat you alive. You'll never be completely happy until you forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong…you need to let go a little; find forgiveness and understanding within yourself."
"That's hard to do," she sniffled.
"I know…but you have to; not just for you; but for everyone. Those who want to use it against you see that you're still deeply feeling the affects and they're able to use it as their weapon; wounding you all the more…you need to stop making it so easy for them. I'm not trying to hurt you, Bambina; but you've got to make your peace…you have to show them that you know in your heart that you did the right thing…and I think you do know it; but you're a sensitive soul…you feel so deeply; I guess you get that from me; it's not easy for you to hide how you feel; especially when it comes to guilt…and as much as I hate to say it; in that respect, your father was right…it is a weakness. In the courtroom, you were able to mask your feelings; what you thought and felt…and sometimes you still can with the family; but in public, you're an open book as soon as they look at your face and they're using it against you. Make your peace; find that part of you that can mask your inner most thoughts and feelings when you're in the lions den. You have to try, Johanna. You have to make that effort; it'll make things easier for you. Find your fire…you've always had enough to blaze for days on end. It's in there; I know it is; find it; use it, show everyone that you remember exactly who you are."
"I'll try," she promised softly. "It's not that I like to be this way…I'm trying to be better; really I am."
"I know," her mother replied; her hand moving to pat her daughter's knee.
"It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do," Johanna murmured. "I knew it wouldn't be easy…but I never thought, or allowed myself to think, that it would be as hard as it has been."
"It'll get better," Naomi assured. "These things take time; you're all making an adjustment…there are bumps in the road and growing pains. I know they frighten you; but try not to panic in the face of them. I know you give all of your effort and concentration to making things better for Jim and Katie; but darling, you can't forget yourself in the process. You have to give some of the effort and caring to yourself. You're just as important, Johanna; don't forget that."
A part of her felt chastened, but she understood that her mother was telling her these things because she loved her and wanted what was best for her. "I'll try harder, Mama."
"Try harder for yourself; not to please me," Naomi stated.
She nodded. "I promise."
Her mother grew silent for a moment, her fingers touching the keys of the piano, tapping out a brief tune, as if she was allowing Johanna a moment to collect herself before moving on to the next topic.
"Tell me about Katie," Naomi softly encouraged.
Johanna shrugged. "I'm sure you know."
"Tell me," she demanded gently.
She shifted on the bench; her fingers curling inwards, her nails digging into her palm. "When I came home it was very difficult between us," she began.
"But after a little trial and error, you found your footing and made progress with her," Naomi remarked.
"Yes; we made a lot of progress while I was staying with her. I felt like we were on the right track."
"And you don't anymore?"
A soft scoff crossed her lips. "Depends on what day it is…sometimes it feels right. Sometimes it feels like she's ashamed of me; like I embarrass her…sometimes it feels like she hates me and wishes I would just go away now that she knows the truth."
"Do you really believe that?" Naomi asked.
"I believe that I'm a failure as a mother," Johanna stated. "I may have done the right thing by walking away to keep us all safe…but it made me a failure in every other aspect."
"While you were away; was there ever a day when you didn't think of your daughter?"
"No," she answered softly. "I thought about her every day."
"And you missed her?"
"So badly…it hurt so much to be away from her."
"And you tried to keep up with what she was doing, didn't you?"
Johanna nodded. "It was easier to keep track of her once Rick started releasing the Nikki Heat books; but I was always searching for mentions of her or Jim…always checking in with that agent to make sure they were okay."
"And when she was hurt?" Naomi asked.
"Mama…I don't want to talk about that."
"I was with you every day in Wyoming, Johanna…I was with you when they took you away; I was with you there…I was with you the day you saw her face on the news and learned that she had been shot. I saw your anguish…"
"Please," Johanna begged softly; her eyes squeezing shut. "I don't want to think about that time…I finally managed to push it far enough away…please, Mama."
"I was there, Johanna," Naomi said once more; refusing to relent. "I saw how you ached; your tears, your sleepless nights, your harassing phone calls to that agent in effort to keep up with her condition. I heard your pleas…the darkness that wrapped around you. I was there when you opened that bottle of wine and drank it, trying to drown yourself. I came to you that night…"
"I know it didn't help anything…I know I thought pretty bad things," she cried. "I was just…"
"I know, dear; you were in the depths of despair…because you're a mother who loves her child with all of her heart and couldn't bear the thought of losing her in a more permanent way. You took the blame for what happened to her and it drove you into that dark abyss. What matters is that you pulled yourself out. I know you brushed my visit off as a dream; but I was there, and you had enough of your faculties to listen to reason…because deep down you knew the things you were doing and thinking weren't the answer…you couldn't find a solution at the bottom of a bottle of wine…and you couldn't find it in the nightstand drawer; that there had to be another way."
She nodded; it was true, she had known deep down inside that there was another way…and that way was to try and pull herself together and make the decision about going home. It had taken her a year…a year to fully accept every possible consequence, of doubting, of trying to put the pieces back together so she wouldn't be just an empty shell of a person when they first saw her again; she hadn't really succeeded in that area, but at least she had gotten on the plane, consequences be damned, and came home to find her daughter; to stop her from getting herself killed; to tell her family the truth, to be free again, to end that lonely, empty feeling that threatened to consume her every day.
"You did what any good mother would do," Naomi stated. "You put yourself back in jeopardy to come home; to tell her the truth…and I know all of your reasons for doing that; but there's one you always leave off the list when you speak of it to Katie and Jim or anyone else."
She stiffened slightly. "And what do you think that is?"
"You were hoping that once you were revealed; the target would shift to you and away from Katie…you were thinking that if you were back here and they realized it, they'd look at you as unfinished business and Katie would become unimportant to them; they'd want you. Isn't that true, Johanna?"
She nodded; her throat tight with the emotions that she hadn't wanted to delve back into.
"You did what any mother would do; put herself on the front line in hopes of saving her child; because her child's life is more important to her than her own."
"I couldn't let her die for me," she whispered. "That's not the way it's supposed to be. I'd give my life for hers; she's not supposed to give hers for me."
"Thankfully neither one of you had to make that sacrifice," Naomi remarked. "You're both here…you've made progress."
"Some progress," Johanna remarked. "Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been as much as I thought. With some space between us now that I'm home; it feels like some of the progress has been lost."
"Why do you feel that way?"
Johanna breathed deeply. "Sometimes I feel her trying to put that wall back up between us. There's a lot of unwanted attention right now…and I know somewhere inside she looks at it and thinks about how she wouldn't have that annoyance in her life if it wasn't for me…and she's right. I feel like she's pulled away. She only comes to visit when something's wrong; at least it feels that way most of the time. I can only get her to the table for a meal if she's feeling guilty for something. Sometimes it feels like we're fine…but a lot of times it doesn't. I know I embarrass her by the way I try to blend into the background in public. It just…"
"It just what?" Naomi asked.
"It just feels like she's back to wanting to keep me at arms length. When she needs me, then it's perfectly fine, like barely anything has changed…but when she doesn't have a problem that she needs someone to be a sounding board for…then she doesn't really want me around. I don't blame her…but it hurts."
Naomi gave her a soft smile. "You know; regardless of this situation; this problem isn't unique to you. All mothers and daughters go through things like this. Sometimes all you can do is let her go for a little while; she'll come back to you…you came back to me."
Johanna gave her a puzzled look. "What are you talking about?"
"How soon we forget," her mother chuckled. "The year was 1975; your sister was getting married and I was pushing you a little too much to settle down. We were at odds with each other for the first half of that year…maybe a little longer. I remember the night of Colleen's rehearsal dinner when you informed me that after the wedding; you wouldn't be coming around for awhile…and you kept your promise. You didn't visit, you didn't call…I didn't see you until your grandfather was dying; and even then it was strained. We had a talk in the hospital cafeteria; I apologized for hurting you and you said you'd need time. I thought maybe you were going to ease back in but then you and your father had that big blow up after Patrick's funeral and instead of easing in, you stayed away for another month or so…you didn't even tell me that you had left town on vacation. I had to hear it from Valerie."
"Mama; that was totally different," Johanna stated with a sigh.
"The circumstances are different; but the problem is the same in both stories; a disconnect between mothers and daughters. When we talked that day in the hospital cafeteria; I told you that we're all just works in progress; that all we can do is try to improve as we go along. You gave the same advice to Katie one day not long ago."
"I remember both instances but I don't know what you're driving at."
"I think you do; you just don't want to hear it."
"So you're telling me to stop trying," Johanna remarked.
"No…I'm saying you have to let her go for awhile…let her go so she can find her way back; she'll come back when she's ready."
Johanna scoffed. "You make it all sound so easy; but this isn't anything like the petty things we had between us."
"Those weren't petty matters, Johanna. They were issues between us and when you pushed me away, I had to let you go…and you came back. Katie will come back too."
"That's easy for you to say!" she exclaimed as she surged to her feet. "You haven't done what I've done!"
"What's been done doesn't matter," Naomi said sharply. "What matters is how it's fixed; and you're never going to fix it by holding on so desperately. Let her go. Katie's a grown woman who knows her own mind and heart. She knows where you are if she wants you; and believe me, she will. Let her wake up one day with the thought in mind, 'I haven't talked to Mom in weeks; I miss her'. You don't corner the market on missteps in parenting, Johanna Elizabeth. Do you think I don't have regrets? I may have never been put in the position you've been in but I have plenty of regrets about my parenting."
"Like what?" she asked tartly. "What did you ever do that kept you up at night, Mom? That day you poured me the wrong cereal when I was five? I forgive you, don't worry about it. You were perfect; all I ever wanted was to be like you and I failed. I'm not good like you; not in any way."
"I was never perfect, Johanna; you know that. There were plenty of times when you thought I was unfair, overbearing, nosy and downright wrong. Don't you stand there and look me in the face and say otherwise, because I assure you, I can and will find the power to smack your mouth for you if you need it, little girl."
"Little girl," she muttered, rolling her eyes. "I'm so far from that it isn't even funny."
"You're my little girl," Naomi exclaimed; her tone angry. "You think I don't have regrets; I had regrets every day…because it's my fault that your father treated you the way he did."
"How do you figure?" Johanna asked. "That was his doing; he hated me because I resembled his mother and have a few of her traits. How was that your doing? He was the one who couldn't make his peace with her; the one that held genetics against me."
"It's my fault because in my effort to try and get him to make his peace, I tried too hard to make him see that a pair of green eyes were a blessing; that if you had her eyes it meant her legacy was living on. I meant it to comfort him…but he only pointed out your head full of dark hair and your chin; telling me that you just looked too much like her…it didn't even dawn on him that he had those same features, with the exception of the eyes. The more he tried to make it out to be a bad thing, the more I tried to convince him that it was good…I even tried to point out that really you were just a dark haired, green eyed version of me if he looked at my baby pictures, because that was the truth; you may resemble Sarah but you also resemble me. I wanted to honor Sarah by naming you after her…your father raged for days; there was no way in hell that his daughter was going to be named Sarah."
"And I'm not named that," Johanna remarked.
"Don't play dumb with me," Naomi retorted. "You know the truth…you know Sarah's middle name was Johanna; your father told you so in his letter. He told you the whole story of how you were to be named Melissa until he started going on about how you looked like his mother. Like I said, I wanted to honor her…I thought it would help Frank find some measure of peace. I figured if the name Sarah was too much, then her middle name would be fine; she could be honored and your father would have a little detachment to that name. I was wrong. He was furious; I thought he'd get over it…I thought I could force that part of him to heal…I made it all worse. I should've convinced him that aside from your eye and hair color that you looked like me and no one else. I should've named you Melissa like we planned. My instance that he come to peace with the loss of his mother by honoring her through your name, signed you up for a life of heartache with your father. It was my fault…and I regret it. I wish I had done things differently…and even if it hadn't made a difference, I should've done more to keep him from being the way he was at times. I don't have a good excuse for any of it…I just did my best to love and comfort; to give you all the feeling he wouldn't despite the fact that he loved you."
"His issues weren't your fault," she argued.
"They might not have been my fault; but naming you after Sarah was…and maybe I could've done more. I thought I was doing all I could at the time when you were a child…but by the time you grew up, it was clear that I hadn't done enough despite my best efforts. You don't know how much I hurt over it; sometimes I felt like a terrible mother."
"You weren't; you did everything you could. You loved me and I was happy; I never blamed you for anything between me and Dad."
"But I blame me," Naomi said firmly; "And you can't change that…just like you're always going to blame yourself for the regrets you carry. Mothers and daughters play tug of war, Johanna; they get into those areas where one pushes and the other pulls away. That's why you have to let go of the rope. Let her go. She'll come back."
"What if she doesn't?"
"You have to trust that she will."
Johanna shook her head. "I don't think I'm ready to do that. I'm not ready to give up completely."
"No one's asking you to give up; letting go isn't giving up anything…it's waiting for things to straighten out either on its own or by someone else's hand. You don't have to do all the work; you know that, you've already backed off once and she came to you; so you know that if you do it again; she'll come back again."
"I feel like you're talking about letting go in a bigger way though."
"Maybe I am," Naomi said seriously. "She can't keep pushing you away if you've stepped back out of reach. You can't keep being the only one to blame, Johanna. Let her take some. It takes two people to make a relationship work; whether it be a husband and wife or a mother and a daughter. You can't do all the work alone."
"But I'm the one who caused things to crumble; that makes it my job to repair it."
Naomi shook her head. "It's not all your job; you have to do half the work, she has to do half the work. She needs to make her peace just like you need to make yours. You can't live your life in fear of losing her in this way; do you realize that it could've always come to this no matter what happened in your lives? Mothers and daughters are always finding ways to push against each other; do you think I never pushed my mother away? You pushed me away…and you came back, just like I went back and Katie will come back. The more you try, the more she resists; you know it isn't working and yet you keep going down that road."
Frustration made Johanna pace the floor; her hands curled into fists. "I keep going down this road because I was fooled into thinking we found the exit and it was only a roundabout. I thought we were going to be okay but the wall is going back up; it doesn't have the hatefulness that was there when I first came home but it's a wall none the less."
"It's a wall you have to learn to scale a different way. I know her reluctance to stay as close as you'd like hurts you; but sweetheart, there isn't much you can do about it. You don't have to let go today if you aren't ready…but the longer you wait, the more damage is done and the inevitable blow out will be bigger and angrier and it'll be harder to deal with. If you start backing off in the near future; it may help you more than you think."
She was quiet as she continued to pace; frustration, fear and overwhelming emotion coursing through her. Deep down inside she knew her mother was right. She sighed; a part of her had always hated it when her mother was right…and apparently that part of her still existed. She wasn't ready to follow the advice just yet…but she knew she might not have a choice in using it sometime in the near future. "I guess being a mother never gets easier," she said softly.
Naomi gave her a soft smile. "No, it doesn't. Please sit back down; I've always hated it when you paced. You get that from your father, you know."
Johanna narrowed her eyes at her. "You say that about everything."
Her mother laughed. "Well, darling; you are his daughter, you can't deny it. You're so much like him; stubborn as the day is long, temperamental, smart…"
She frowned. "Just so you know, I'm not taking any of this as a compliment."
"I'm not surprised; you always did get mad when I'd bring it to your attention."
"I just wanted to be like you," she murmured. "Good and decent…you never made the number of mistakes I've made. You were always together and I'm always a mess."
"That's not true," Naomi remarked. "You are good; you're a good woman, Johanna; a good wife and a good mother…a good daughter. You're decent; you've never taken a life, you never compromised your principals by dealing in shady business. You're faithful to your husband; you raised your child to be a good decent woman."
"Then why do I keep feeling so ugly inside?"
"Because you haven't forgiven yourself for doing what you had to do, even though it was right. That's why I keep telling you to make peace with it; you're never going to be able to move on until you do. This situation you're in now…this is where you should embrace being Frank McKenzie's daughter. You need that fire, darling; you need to blaze like you always did. Show them what McKenzies are made of. You've got that part of your father in you; use it. I want to see you take back control, Johanna. Dig deep, find what you need and don't be afraid to use it. People might get angry but who cares? They'll get over it."
Johanna couldn't help but smirk a little. "Tell me, Mother; is my sister ever going to get over it?"
Naomi's eyes narrowed and she jabbed a finger in Johanna's direction as she paused in her pacing. "First of all, you know I hate it when you call me mother, don't do it again. Second; your sister is next on my list."
"Next on your list for what?"
"Divine intervention," Naomi remarked. "I'm going to put her uppity little behind back on the straight and narrow. She might not come see you right away; she'll have to stew about it as always; but mark my words; one day she'll come. Colleen's problem is that she's never lost that ability to be incredibly selfish. She also has never grown up in some respects. I'm not sure where exactly I went wrong with her, but I did…it's another parenting regret I have. Your sister has always been jealous of you, Johanna. You were older, you got to do everything before her. You got better grades; got into an Ivy League college, had a more lucrative career. She thought she beat you when she married a wealthy man…but she didn't. You and Jim don't want for money and your marriage has always been stronger and deeper than hers ever has been. You've always been closer to your child than Colleen is to any of hers."
"Colleen didn't want children," Johanna remarked as she returned to her spot on the bench.
"I know…children got in the way of everything she liked to do and she has little patience for them. So you see, you had the better job, caught the better man, you're a better mother to your child. Colleen loves you; but she's never been able to deal with her jealousy…she thought she won when you were away…but then you came home and you got the two most important things back; your husband and daughter. She claims to be angry because she was lied to…but really the issue is of her own making, Johanna. It's not so much about you as it is her. I know she's been awful and I'm so sorry for that. Colleen is a work in progress just like everyone else…but her progress is very slow. I'll do my best to speed it up; because there are a lot of things in her life right now that I'm not pleased with and she's going to hear about it."
She smiled a little. "I guess the only one that isn't on your list is Frankie."
Naomi gave her a wry smile. "I popped in on Frankie in a dream; I told him how much you needed him and that he better get over here and see you. He's a good boy, he listened."
"Yeah, he did; I'm glad he came…things are good between us. I'm so glad to have him and Valerie on my side. They never hesitated…they don't know what that means to me."
"I think your brother does know," Naomi replied. "Because it means a lot to him that you were so willing to wipe the slate of the past clean and welcome him with open arms. He had his own regrets, Bambina; and now he's making amends, allowing himself to be the good brother he always knew he could be. He'll be there for you whenever you need him."
"That's good to know," she murmured.
"What's on your mind, Johanna?"
She quiet for a long moment as she contemplated her words. "Why didn't you ever tell me about Dad's issue with me?"
"Because I didn't want to hurt you anymore than you already were. There wasn't anything you could do about the few features and personality traits that you had inherited from Sarah. I was afraid that if I told you, you'd go straight to your father and want to talk about it and it would all blow up."
"Why didn't you tell me after he was gone?"
Naomi's head bowed slightly. "I was afraid."
"Of what?"
"That you'd be angry with me; not only for keeping it from you, but for naming you after her when I knew how your father had been carrying on about it. I was afraid you'd resent me…I could live with blaming myself but I wasn't sure I could live with seeing disdain in your eyes and knowing it was directed at me. I was afraid I would lose you."
Johanna shook her head. "I would've never turned my back on you, Mom. What would be the point in getting angry with you over a name? There's no guarantee that he would've treated me any better if my name had been Melissa…I still would've had her eyes and hair color."
"I know," she said softly. "But what ifs have a way of dogging a person…you know that."
"Yeah, I do."
"See, I wasn't as perfect as you thought," Naomi remarked. "I had regrets and secrets of my own. You love me…you look at me through rose colored glasses; ignoring things I could've done better because I was the one who was always there for you; giving you the affection that your father wouldn't. I don't blame you for that; we're all guilty of looking at our mother's through rosy lenses…but then one day we discover that they're only human too and it's an adjustment that takes some getting used to. That's part of the problem with Katie; she's had to learn that you're human, a woman with fears, insecurities, mistakes and regrets among her many attributes…just like her. You measure yourself up to me, and Katie measures herself by you…you feel like you failed in comparison to me…Katie feels like she fails in comparison to you…and when you don't act in the way that she feels that rosy image should, she gets angry, because it's a reminder that she had to grow up and realize that her mother, despite always trying, wasn't a superhero…just like you learned, in that timeframe of your sister's wedding, that I wasn't as special and perfect as you thought I was. Let's be honest, Johanna; there were times when I hurt you, even though I never intended to or wanted to. There were times when I couldn't be there for you in the way you wanted. There were times when you felt like I just didn't understand. There were times when I drove you crazy. As individuals, we're a work in progress…and our relationships as mothers and daughters are a work in progress too. Some chapters end, new ones begin, lines get changed, people evolve…they get hurt and let down, they rediscover, they cope and get over it, rebuild, grow stronger. You know that; it's a part of every relationship. The bond between mother and daughter can wobble at times, but it never really breaks, sweetheart…try not to be so afraid of letting go a bit. She's still connected to you by the heart strings; that's why she'll always come back to you."
Sadness filled her as she touched her fingers to the keys of the piano. "I guess if it comes down to that, I won't have any choice but to let her go and stay away."
"I'm not trying to make you feel worse, Johanna," Naomi told her softly as she watched her daughter's fingers begin to dance across the keys.
She scoffed. "Well you're not exactly making me feel better or optimistic."
"Sometimes when you're struggling to find your way it doesn't feel good and optimism runs low, but you have to push through it anyway. Life never delivers something that we can't handle."
Johanna sighed. "I've learned to hate those words, Mother."
"Why? They've been proven. You survived something so very horrible…Katie survived, so did Jim. We might feel like we're floundering, but in the end, we learn to adapt and we overcome."
"Yeah; I know…but it's getting there that's the problem."
"It's not a problem if you let go of the fears that are holding you back."
She felt like crying…she didn't like this. It was good to see her mother…but the conversation left a lot to be desired. She had always thought that her mother would offer comfort…that she'd find some magic words to make her feel better like she always had before. This was all wrong…all this was was a discussion of what she was doing wrong; wrong in actions, wrong in feelings, wrong in thoughts. So much for Sarah's statements about these visits being helpful. She wasn't feeling very helped…she was feeling chastened.
"I've disappointed you," Naomi remarked softly.
"What makes you say that?" she asked; her voice tight with emotion.
"I know you," her mother said simply.
"You always told me to be careful what I wished for," Johanna remarked.
Naomi studied her for a moment. "Meaning?"
"Meaning that all these years I wished we could talk again…and it hasn't gone the way I would've liked."
"I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it a little better?"
"Can I hug you now?" Johanna asked; her emotions in turmoil as frustration filled her.
"Johanna," her mother said softly. "It really wouldn't be the same…it wouldn't be the way you remember. It would be better to save that for in your dreams…there it can feel the same."
She shook her head. "I can't believe you; you come here and lecture me and then deny me the ability to hug you!? How can you do that to me? Did you really think you could just pop in here and not expect me to want to hug you? I've been wanting to hug you for nearly twenty years! It's not fair, Mom!"
"I'm not trying to hurt you…I just don't want you to find it lacking. It'll feel better when I visit you in your dreams."
She scoffed. "What was the point in any of this? I can't hug you; you didn't make me feel better; all I got was a list of things I'm doing wrong. All of these years I just wanted to have the ability to have you make me feel better like you always used to do…you're my mother, you're supposed to make it better!"
Naomi looked at her with a mixture of sadness and sympathy. "Sometimes you have to make yourself feel better, Johanna. There's no magic cure…no one can make you feel completely better."
"You're wrong," she said sharply. "Jim always makes me feel better!"
Her mother's brow rose. "If that's true, then why are you always so afraid?"
The comment struck her like a slap across the face. "You're calling me a liar? You're saying my husband doesn't comfort me? He's done more for me than anyone ever has…at any time in my life!"
"You're angry," Naomi stated.
She laughed bitterly. "Are you surprised? How am I supposed to feel? People keep picking at wounds that are trying to heal. I get hounded and criticized, ostracized by people who used to care about me, branded as a habitual liar. I have my daughter telling me to go to counseling and air my dirty laundry to some stranger for 200 dollars an hour; I have ghosts popping into my life without an invitation to lecture me some more and then deny me a simple gesture of affection You're damn right I'm angry. Sarah let me hug her and I never even met her when she was alive!"
"And I told you that her hug satisfied you because you had never felt it before. You would know the difference if I hugged you now."
"Shouldn't that be my decision?
Naomi sighed. "Let's get back to the topic of your anger…you have a lot of anger, Johanna."
"I can't imagine why."
"It's for more reasons than you listed," her mother remarked. "You're angry about everything that's happened in the last thirteen years. You're angry that it happened to you, to your family, to other people's families. You're angry that it took so long to get back home, the time you lost, the reactions, the judgment you feel people casting upon you. You're so angry…and you keep it buried because you're so afraid to show it; afraid you'll make someone angry, afraid you'll offend, that you have no right, afraid that you'll do detrimental harm…but holding it in isn't good for you. It's the worst thing you could do. You so rarely let it out…and when you do, it's always restrained with exception of when you unleash it upon that young man that Katie is smitten with. Why is it easy for you to show your anger to him when he provokes you?"
She was growing angrier by the minute. "Probably because I already know that he isn't always overly fond of me; he tries for Katie's sake but I know he doesn't like me as much as he claims and I don't really care all that much. I like Rick, he's a good man, good for Katie and he loves her and that's all that matters to me. He looks at me and sees a woman who abandoned her family and he does his best to ignore what he thinks of that because he loves Katie. I don't have anything to lose where he's concerned…and just so you know, it's not easy to show him my anger; I try very hard not to because I don't want to upset Katie."
"See what I mean?" Naomi asked. "You hold back because you're afraid of what Katie might think, say or do. You do the same with Jim. You never used to be that way; you never used to be this fearful little mouse."
Johanna's anger intensified; rushing through her in red hot wave. "Why don't you just go?" she said through clenched teeth. "You've done what you came to do, now go; and don't bother popping in on Colleen on my behalf because I don't care what that little bitch thinks of me. I don't need her; I never have."
"Don't call your sister that," Naomi said sharply.
"I'll call her whatever the hell I want and I don't give a damn if you like it or not. You want to know where you went wrong with her, Mom? Let me tell you where; it's because you gave into her all the time. Everything she did was excused because she was the baby. When she was little and did something to me or Frankie it was always 'now, dear, you have to understand, 'she's just a baby' or it was 'she's just a little girl, she doesn't understand things the way you do'. She always got her way in everything. All she had to do was plead a case of cramps and my sorry ass was the one standing at the sink washing dishes when it was her turn…if she had had her period as often she claimed, she would've bled to death within a month but that never seemed to dawn on you; just like when she'd blame me or Frankie for things she did and half the time you believed her which is why I tried to run away when I was 12! You let her do whatever she wanted. Me and Frankie had to go work with Dad a few days a week in the summer when we were teenagers but too young to get an actual summer job; but Princess Colleen whined and he paid her to stay home and watch soaps with you! And you didn't say a word about it. So that's where you went wrong, Mom. Dad thought you coddled me; he should've taken a harder look at prissy pants; if anyone was coddled it was her!"
"Are you finished?" Naomi asked.
"Yeah, I'm finished," she said tartly. "I'm done with this whole damn thing so just go; you're time should be up, shouldn't it? Don't bother popping into my dreams either, I don't think we have anything left to discuss."
Her mother smiled softly despite the hint of sadness in her eyes. "I wasn't trying to hurt you, darling. I know you're upset with me…I didn't give you what you wanted from this visit…but it was for you own good."
"Yeah; everything always is," Johanna said; her voice wobbling. "It was nice seeing you, Mom. I still love you."
"I love you too, Baby…now come here," Naomi beckoned, her arms reaching for her.
Johanna shook her head. "Forget it; I don't want it when I had to beg for it."
Her mother laughed softly. "You're so much like your daddy; so very stubborn. Now come on…it won't be the same but we can make up for it in your dreams."
"No," she said as she turned away; her feelings still stinging; hurt and anger still coursing through her. All the times she had dreamed of seeing her mother like this…she had always imagined it would be comforting and consoling…where was the woman that she had always run to? The one that used to let her lay her head in her lap and cry out her sorrows while a soothing hand ran over her hair. Why couldn't she have gotten that side of her mother? Why did she have to get logical, practical, don't give an inch, Naomi? Didn't she get enough of that from the people that were still with her? This wasn't a visit; it was a punishment.
"Johanna," Naomi said softly. "Please come here."
"No."
"You're acting like the little girl you used to be," her mother told her.
"Well add it to my list of misdeeds, what's one more?"
"Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie; I said come here."
"Beckett," she said sharply. "It's Johanna Elizabeth Beckett."
"It'll always be McKenzie to me; marriage doesn't change who you are; now get over here."
"I'm a grown woman; I don't have to take orders from my mommy anymore."
Naomi glared at her. "You think so?"
"Yeah, I do; I mean, what are you going to do about it? Send me to my room? Don't waste your time, I'll go all on my own and you can go on your way."
"Freeze," Naomi said as Johanna headed for the door.
She kept walking, defiant and determined to leave her mother's ghost behind.
Johanna headed for the living room, surely the television could distract her until her ghostly visitor got the hint that she wasn't in the mood for anymore conversation…but as she entered the room, she saw that her mother was now sitting on the couch waiting for her.
"Did you really think that I couldn't find you?" her mother asked.
Johanna's lips pressed into a thin line, her eyes snapping with fire as she regarded her ghostly visitor.
Naomi chuckled. "Oh my, you sure do look like Sophia Calabrese when you make that face. I'm not surprised though, you have a healthy dose of my mother in your veins…you just forget to use it sometimes."
"Shouldn't you be going?" she asked.
Naomi shook her head. "If our visit hadn't derailed, I'd be going…but now I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because we'd have unfinished business. I can't leave until our visit has a satisfying conclusion."
She blew out a frustrated breath and flopped down on the opposite side of the sofa. She picked up the remote and began to flip channels, pointedly ignoring the spirit that was sharing the sofa with her.
"These new televisions are very nice," Naomi remarked as she regarded the flat screen TV. Your father would've wanted one."
Johanna didn't offer any comment although she agreed that her father would've liked the flat screen TVs and probably would've wanted the biggest one he could fit in the house.
"I'm sure he would've hated those cell phones though," Naomi went on. "He would've liked those laptops but he wouldn't have wanted a phone attached to him all the time."
She flicked her gaze toward her mother. "I thought Dad was up there with you."
"He is, dear."
"Then why are you sitting there acting like you haven't seen him?"
"Just making conversation until you decide to stop being angry with me."
"I think I have a right to be angry."
"Yes, you do…but be angry with the right people."
"Oh," Johanna said sarcastically. "I was supposed to be happy that you came to tell me to give up on my only child and to call me a liar and a mouse."
"I never called you a liar," Naomi stated.
"It was implied."
"Only in your own mind. I also didn't tell you to give up on Katie; I told you to take a step back and let her miss you and you agreed that it might have to come to that. You're trying to turn it back around because you got your feathers ruffled. I did call you a mouse because that's what you've been behaving like these days. Look at you, you're always home."
"You mean being here, being a housewife, taking care of my husband and my home is a bad thing? Forgive me, Mother; I must've forgotten about all the jet setting you did in your spare time between cooking meals, doing laundry and telling Dad not to read the newspaper at the table."
Naomi smacked her arm, fury in her eyes and Johanna yelped at the sharp tingle against her arm. So much for Jim's theory that ghosts couldn't hurt you.
"I've had just about enough of your smart mouth, little girl," Naomi said sternly. "I know what your problem is; you thought I was here to coddle you…well I can't coddle you this time, Johanna. Maybe your father was right; maybe I coddled you too much when you were young. You have to pick yourself up; you have to dig deep and find that spark again. I know you still have it; you're just not always using it when you should. You keep trying to break free and then you pull back because of one thing or another. Stop it."
Johanna pulled her knees up against her chest as she fought back tears. She wasn't going to let her mother see her shed another tear and be further branded as a weakling.
Her mother gave her a small smile. "You remind me of a little turtle hiding in its shell when you do that. You've always done it…I think it started when you were three. It's like you always thought that if you could just fold up small enough and hide in a shell, everything would go away or work out on its own. You know, your father once told me that you were a different person in the courtroom; you wore a mask there, you were in control. I believe that; you were very successful at your work so you had to have been able to turn off certain parts of yourself. You need to find the lawyer side of you again; that part of your identity is what you need…you need to be that again."
"I'm never going to be a lawyer again," Johanna stated. "Not a real one anyway. I'm a lawyer in name only because I have a law degree…but it won't ever be used again."
Naomi eyed her. "Never say never."
She met her mother's gaze. "I'm retired."
"You could be semi-retired like Jim."
"Jim said I'm retired from the law. If I want a job, I'll go back to teaching; that's what he'd prefer."
Naomi smirked a little. "He's not the boss of you."
"Neither are you."
"Touché," her mother responded as a commercial came on the TV advertising that Bewitched would be aired on a classics station later that day. "Do you remember when we used to watch Bewitched together?" she asked.
Johanna nodded. "Yeah…Dad would go in his office, he hated it."
"That didn't stop us from enjoying it though. I always liked that time…it was just you and me. Your brother always found something else to do and your sister always drifted off before the show was over because her attention would wander. When that show started airing, you were at an awkward age…thirteen…a little unsettled about changes you couldn't control, of breaking away from being a little girl and moving on to being a young lady. We butted heads a bit that year as you tried to find your way and I tried to find balance between helping you and letting you have room to grow on your own. But every Thursday night when that show came on, we'd sit down together, no matter what had happened during the day and we'd laugh…and try to wiggle our noses like Samantha and talk about all the places in the world we'd twitch ourselves if we could."
That gush of emotion pressed against her again, a tear rebelling and slipping down her cheek. "I remember," she whispered. "That's why I still watch it…it makes me feel close to you."
"Bambina," Naomi said softly as she moved closer to her daughter. "I didn't come to hurt you…I just wanted to help you and maybe I've been too harsh. I just want what's best for you…I want you to be happy and free like you had been dreaming of. See; even now I doubt the moves I make while parenting. I'm sorry if I hurt you with the things said here today…or in the past with the matter of your father. I love you so much, Johanna."
"I love you too," she replied; her voice cracking.
"Come here," her mother whispered as she reached for her, pulling her into the hug Johanna had so desperately wanted.
Johanna was hesitant to wrap her arms around the spirit, fearful like she had been when Sarah had allowed the gesture; but she gave in, her mother feeling whole as she clung to her. It wasn't the same though…just as she had been warned. She could feel Naomi holding her tightly but she didn't feel like she could hold on to her tight enough, despite digging her fingers into Naomi's favorite pink dress. Her mother's hug didn't hold the warmth she remembered from her lifetime or even in her dreams…because there was no warmth to be had in the being that had come to her. She squeezed her eyes shut, a sob tearing from her throat. She hadn't noticed it with Sarah because she had met her grandmother outdoors in the cold air that had numbed her. But she could feel the difference with Naomi; her love and affection was still there, the tightness of her arms…it just lacked the warm feeling she was accustomed to.
"It's alright," Naomi murmured. "I know it's not the same; but when I visit you in your dreams and I hug you there, it'll be the way you remember. Everything's going to be alright; it might be hard at times, but it'll be alright…and I'm always going to be with you; don't you ever worry that I won't be. You're my brave girl; you'll be just fine. You'll see…it's going to be fine, Bambina."
"You're leaving, aren't you?" she cried.
Naomi pulled back; her cool hands cupping Johanna's damp face. "Yes; you've had enough for now…we'll talk more in your dreams, but for now, you've had enough and I need to be going."
"Mama," she whispered. "Can't we talk about better things when you visit me again?"
"We will…but I feel like I may still have a few points to drive home with you; for your own good."
"I'm not in any hurry for the sequel to this discussion."
Naomi smiled and brushed her lips against Johanna's cheek. "I know, dear; but you know me; I don't let things like this go. I have to go now."
She shook her head. "I don't want you to go…I'm sorry I got angry, please don't go yet."
Her mother brushed away the tears that continued to fall. "It's alright; it was good for you to get mad. I didn't mind. I'm never really gone; I'm here with you, you know that. You talk to me whenever you want like you always do, I'm listening. I love you…I'll see you in your dreams."
"I love you too," Johanna whispered, her mother's hands slipping away from her face. Naomi gave her one last smile and then faded away. She whimpered, more sobs breaking free as she laid down on the couch cushion. It had felt good to see her…but it hurt so damn much to watch her go…to think about the things she said. The tears seemed to come from deep within her and she prayed that she'd have herself pulled together before Jim got home from work. If this was how these visits were going to be, she wasn't sure she wanted anymore. She felt badly that her visit with her mother had taken that turn into anger…but she had felt provoked. She felt torn; comforted by being with her mother…angry that she had been lectured by her as well. She couldn't win…not even with ghosts.
Johanna had managed to get herself together before her husband walked into the kitchen early that evening.
"Hi, honey," she said softly; moving in his direction and burying herself in his arms for a much needed hug; drinking in the warmth of his arms around her.
"It's nice to see you too," he said warmly as he held her tightly. "Did you miss me?"
"Always," she replied as she released him and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Did you find out anything about your phone?"
"They said there's nothing wrong with it!" Jim exclaimed. "They acted like I was crazy!"
"They couldn't find anything?" she asked.
"No; not a damn thing! And of course it didn't do it the whole time I was in there but the second I pulled in at the office, the damn thing went off."
Johanna laughed. "It's toying with you, honey."
"It's like it's possessed," he complained as he fished his phone from his pocket and looked at it.
"It could be," she agreed.
Jim glanced at her. "Were you watching more of those ghost shows?"
"Kind of," she said with a shrug. It wasn't a complete lie…she had seen a ghost that day.
"I told you not to watch those anymore."
"Well my talk show I watch was a repeat."
Jim nodded. "Did it say anything about possessed objects by any chance?"
"I've heard that sometimes ghosts likes to play with things," Johanna remarked as she shifted on her feet.
"What do you do about that?"
She shrugged. "I guess you just wait and hope that it gets tired of playing with it."
"And if it doesn't?"
"I guess you could try to reason with it," she replied, a small laugh crossing her lips as she thought about how odd it was to have this conversation when she was really having a ghost problem.
Jim scoffed. "Is it possible to reason with a ghost?"
"According to the shows on TV you can."
He pondered that for a moment as he studied his phone. "Maybe I should just delete the music off of it."
Johanna couldn't help but laugh as a thought came to mind. "What if you do that and it still randomly plays loud music?"
His gaze flicked back to hers. "Then we'd have a problem."
"We'd call Ghostbusters?" she asked in amusement.
"Ghostbusters and anyone else we can find in the phone book," Jim declared as he laid his phone on the table.
"I thought you weren't afraid of ghosts," Johanna reminded him with a smug look.
"I'm not afraid of ghosts…I just don't want them running around the house, scaring my wife."
"Uh huh; it's so convenient that you can use me as an excuse."
He grinned before brushing a kiss against her lips. "Well, sweetheart; that was on the list of reasons why I married you…I believe 'convenient excuse' might've been number ten on the list."
"So is that your confession that you're scared of ghosts?"
"Hell no," he declared. "I'm not afraid of some mischief making ghost…but you know, I don't want them hanging around all the time being a nuisance. We don't deserve that, do we?"
"No…but it could be a loved one."
"I'd think that's obvious," Jim replied. "Of course it's a relative…who else would want to annoy us?"
"True," she agreed.
"The real question is, which one and why?"
"Ours is not to question why," Johanna remarked; using the phrase Sarah had told her. As if on cue, Jim's phone began to blare music.
"I'll be damned," he said as he grabbed the device and hurriedly silenced it. "Whatever it is, it knows we're talking about it."
"Maybe that's our cue to change the subject."
"Could be…and I think this is all your fault."
"My fault!?" Johanna exclaimed. "How is it my fault? I haven't touched your phone!"
"Because you were the one talking about ghosts the other night and now all of a sudden my phone is possessed," Jim replied matter of factly.
"You were talking about them too!"
"Only because you started it."
Johanna arched a brow at him. "Hey; you were the one who wanted to go back to the Balfour for another ghostly experience…maybe the ghost decided to come to you this time, Mr. I'm not afraid of a ghost."
"Hey, you're the one who hasn't been able to sleep ever since you watched that show; I sleep fine."
"That may be, but no one's making my phone play music…and my keys haven't gone missing…and the remote works for me. The ghost is after you, not me."
"Why me?!"
She shrugged a shoulder. "Maybe you offended it; you know how you are…men are sometimes insensitive and you know, ghosts have feelings too, honey."
Jim smirked at her, noting the amusement in her eyes. "You think you're cute, don't you, Mrs. Beckett?"
"Adorable," she declared. "I was born that way."
He eyed her. "It's probably one of your relatives tormenting me on your behalf…the question is, which one?"
Nervous laughter bubbled from her lips. "What makes you say that?"
"Well who in my family would do this to me?"
"Your father; he'd think it was hilarious."
Jim frowned. "You've got a point there."
"I always do," she quipped.
His eyes lit up as he moved toward her, making her back up until she hit the counter. "Am I going to have to punish you for you're smugness, Sassy?"
"Depends; what do have in mind for my punishment?"
A grin crossed his lips. "That's for me to know and you to find out," he answered before capturing her lips in a kiss.
"I have a feeling I'm familiar with that punishment…and I'm not sure I want to indulge in it when there may be a ghost on the loose."
"We'll lock the door," he told her.
"Ghosts aren't deterred by locks…they can walk through walls."
Jim gave her a pat on her backside and a smile. "Way to kill a mood, sweetheart."
"Hey; it's not my phone that's possessed…you're the one being tormented."
"Yeah," he smirked. "For a grand total of 39 years now."
"Hey!" she exclaimed; swatting him playfully. "I think the torment you've inflicted on me is a little worse than what you experienced and I hope whoever's possessing your phone keeps doing it."
As if on cue; Jim's phone began to play music. "See," he said as he moved away from her to grab it; "That's definitely one of your relatives…you better have a word with them."
"Yeah, I'll do that," she jested. She'd do it when she was good and ready.
Johanna was still sleepy as she put breakfast on the plates the next morning. She had a feeling that after Jim left for work, she'd head back to bed for an hour or two. Her latest visit had left her feeling somewhat exhausted emotionally and she hoped that her next visitor would wait a few days before popping in…or better yet, forget to drop by altogether. It had been good to talk to her mother; nice to drink in the feeling of being with her again for a little while…but she still wasn't big on these visits; because apparently their purpose was to tell her everything she was doing wrong in her life and she felt like she already knew all about that. She got chastened enough by the living; did she really need lectures from the dead as well? She grimaced as that thought crossed her mind; maybe she shouldn't think such things, after all, they did seem to have the ability to read her mind…and she really didn't need angry ghosts coming after her…and who knew, maybe one of her forthcoming visitors was already angry.
She stifled a yawn as she buttered the toast and laid it on the plate. She had dreamed of her mother; she wondered if that counted as two visits because Naomi had picked up where she had left off when she had faded from sight in the living room. Johanna shook the thought away; she didn't need to dwell…she also didn't need to browbeaten. Of course her mother might disagree…as she had always had a habit of doing. She blew out a breath and carried the plates to the table as Jim came into the kitchen.
"Tie this damn thing," he muttered as he came closer, his hands dropping away from his tie in aggravation.
Johanna gave him an amused smile and reached for his tie, tying it swiftly and easily. "There you go," she murmured before brushing a soft kiss to his lips.
"I don't know how you got so good at that," he replied. "Some days my fingers just don't cooperate it and I end up going out the door without it; even though the firm frowns on that."
"Even if you're only there working in the background and doing consulting?"
Jim nodded. "Still have to follow the rules even though I'm being paid by whoever I'm working for."
"That's stupid."
"Yeah, it is, but we should be used to that; we've both worked there long enough to know the drill."
"That's true," she replied; unable to keep from yawning.
Jim caressed her face. "You're still sleepy, sweetheart…you were awake late again."
"I know; I just couldn't get to sleep at first."
He brushed a kiss against her lips and then stepped away to sit down at the table. "Go back to bed for a little while when I leave; I'll call in an hour or two and wake you so you don't sleep too long."
"Okay," she said as she reached for her cup of coffee to take a long fortifying sip before she picked up her fork and knife to cut into her pancake.
"Did you have a nice visit with your mother?" Jim asked.
The silverware slipped from her fingers and clattered against the plate as her head jerked upwards. "What?" she asked; her voice trembling. It wasn't possible for Jim to know about her visitors, was it?
"You were restless last night; you were also talking in your sleep now and then, and you were talking to your mother so I assumed she had popped into your dreams for a visit."
"Oh," she said as she quickly collected herself and picked up her silverware. "I did dream about her last night…I didn't realize that I talked in my sleep though; I hope that's not a habit I'm going to pick up."
Jim gave her a smile. "Sweetheart, you've always done it."
Her gaze met his "You've never said anything about it."
"I've never mentioned it because you don't do it often; just once in awhile when you're deep in some dream. It's alright; it's not like you do it all night; just a few words here and there, and like I said, it isn't often. I think it usually happens when you're upset about something but even then it isn't often."
She shifted in her seat. "How much have I done it since I've been home?"
Jim contemplated the question for a moment. "Honestly; the only other time you've done it since being home was that first night…and then you were having nightmares. Last night was the first since then. Naomi's always on your mind a lot this time of year; I figured maybe she was checking in."
Johanna nodded in agreement; she supposed that was true in a way. "What was I saying? How did you know I was talking to her?"
"Because you said 'mama'."
She eyed him; there was something he wasn't saying. "What else?"
Jim suddenly wished that he hadn't told her that he had been privy to her dreams the night before; he should've kept it to himself as he always did, but for some reason he felt compelled to tell her.
"Jim; what was it?"
"You were asking her not to leave you…you said you weren't done yet…I guess there was more you wanted to discuss."
Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip; she did remember asking her mother not to leave…even though she hadn't been happy with some of the conversation; just like her earlier visit. "Anything else?" she asked.
"You said you wanted to talk to your father."
"What!" she exclaimed. That part of her dream must've escaped her memory because she couldn't quite recall it…or Jim was making that part up. "I don't remember that; you're lying."
He swallowed a bite of his pancake. "I'm not lying to you, Jo; I heard you saying that you wanted to talk to Frank; you said 'I want to talk to Dad; where's Dad?"
"Oh God, I'm even crazy in my sleep," she muttered.
"It's not crazy to want to talk to your father."
"You remember my father, right?" Johanna asked.
Jim chuckled. "Yes; I remember him; but that doesn't mean it's wrong for you to dream about talking to him. I guess you wanted Naomi to get him on the line."
"I don't know what the hell for," she replied. "I can just imagine how that would go."
"Well don't worry; I don't think you go through to him; I'm sure I would've heard something if Frank had joined your dream."
She frowned; was it a sign that her father would be her next visitor? Or was it a sign that he wouldn't be coming at all? She didn't know how she felt about either option. On one hand, she didn't want to see him materialize in front of her; fearful of what he'd say despite knowing the truth of his grudge against her…but on the other hand, there was that annoying little part of her that wanted to talk to him.
"Hopefully my dreams won't disturb either one of us tonight," she remarked; knowing Jim was waiting for her to say something.
"You didn't disturb me. I just know when you're not sleeping well…you move around more. When you sleep well, you're wrapped around me and don't move a lot or not at all until I nudge you so I can roll over."
She smiled a little and took a bite of pancake, hoping the line of conversation would drop and morph into something else.
"Is something bothering you, Jo?" Jim asked.
She suppressed a sigh; that wasn't the topic she wanted. "Nothing more than usual," she answered. "Why?"
"You just haven't really seemed like yourself at times the last few days."
Johanna conjured up a smile for him. "I'm fine, honey. I just have things on my mind. The trial will be starting soon and that's going to dredge up things and there will be a rehash…the media will be back full force, not that they've ever really left. It's not a pleasant thought. Katie and I wobble at times as we try to deal with it…and sometimes that's hard to get through."
"I know," he replied. "But everything will be fine."
"I hope so," she murmured. "There's also the holidays to think about."
"You don't need to worry about the holidays…you don't need to overdo it."
She looked at him. "It's our first holidays as a reunited family," Johanna remarked. "I want it to be nice and special. It's been a long time since we've gotten to enjoy it."
"I know; but your being here will make it special enough. You don't need to worry about silly details."
"What if the details aren't silly to me?" she asked in a clipped tone.
Jim sighed; she was in a strange mood and when she was like this, it was best just to go along with her. "Then I want you to do whatever makes you happy."
Johanna could feel the temptation to spoil for an argument but she squashed the urge. She was tired and sensitive and he probably didn't mean anything with his comments about the holidays. He just worried about her; that was all…right? She gave a subtle shake of her head to dislodge the thought. She was just on edge because she was being haunted. For a moment she was tempted to tell Jim about what had been happening but she was afraid to divulge it; despite their conversation a few days before, he might think she was crazy.
"I hope you have better dreams tonight," Jim remarked.
"I thought I didn't disturb you."
"You didn't; but it seems like dreaming of your mother left you feeling unsettled."
Johanna shook her head. "It's not that…it's just that you know how mothers are, they always say things you don't want to hear."
Worry flicked across his face. "Like what, sweetheart? Did that dream make you worry about something?"
"No," she said softly. "It was just some motherly advice in regard to my own skills as a parent."
He reached across the table and took her hand. "Hey; I know you and Katie have your troubles at times…and she hurts your feelings a little when she's distant but it's going to be fine. When the trial and this media hoopla are over, things will settle down between the two of you."
Johanna gave a nod of agreement; hoping like he did that her dreams would be ghost free that night. She was still wracking her brain, trying to recall why her father had been mentioned and why. Maybe she wouldn't take that nap after all…who knew who or what would show up in it; it was bad enough that she'd have to keep her fingers crossed that she wouldn't turn a corner in the house and find another visitor waiting for her. Maybe she needed to have another talk with Sarah…maybe the emotional turmoil of her mother's visit could get her off the hook for the rest.