It has been two years since he walked away at her graduation and so much has changed. She has been through tragedy and he wasn't there. Can they be there for each other now after being apart so very long? Can they learn to trust again? [Rory and Logan] (AU)
Disclaimer: So not mine, just a musing my mind spun out.
A/N: I know you were all frustrated last chapter, I hope you like this one - this is a very emotional chapter it answers questions, and brings up things that may trigger some readers as it deals with mental illness and miscarriage. Two very uncomfortable topics I know, but they are important to this story. Thank you for reading, following, favoriting and just being such amazing support that I keep writing!
A Whole New World
Chapter 3 – Answers
Rory slid her card through the elevator slot then they rode to the top and she used her key to open the apartment, Logan was surprised to say the least, it was an amazing penthouse, elegant and a bit formal, but still very much her. It was not at all what he had expected, but it definitely spoke of her worth and her own style, he liked it. Looking around he saw homey touches, mismatched photo frames held friends and family. There were four bookcases, all packed, of course and a pristine chefs kitchen, he chuckled inwardly that she would have such an excellent kitchen that she would never use.
She indicated him to the the living room and slipped into the kitchen presumably to make coffee. He skimmed the bindings of the books, he recognized ones he had bought her and some from Richard's collection. He was surprised she had a picture that included him with her family at the fateful graduation party. He recalled that had been the last night he felt truly happy. He heard her returning and set it down taking his place on the sofa. She came back in a short while with two cups and sat by him on the couch.
Logan decided to take the lead, make sure she knew where he had been, he didn't fully understand why he was left in the dark, but he could at least give her some insight.
"Ace, let me go first, this is going to sound unbelievable but hear me out," he placed his coffee on the table and turned to face her fully," I was in the hospital a psychiatric facility really - I got a little out of control and I had to get right again. It was worse than you can imagine, worse than the despair I felt in Costa Rica. I had overdosed, yes it was on purpose, my sister found me and I was rushed to the ER, it was touch and go. Just let me assure you, it was all me, my decisions, my bad behavior. After the initial treatment my family was assured Switzerland has the best clinic to treat me, they had me committed, and until this past month, I had no outside contact, except my family and no news. It sounds extreme, but it helped. I was diagnosed as a manic depressive with suicidal tendency's, I take meds now, and will be seeing a therapist regularly, but you should know; I am better but I have to work on it everyday. That is why I didn't know they probably thought it would set me back interfere with my treatment, cause me to - I don't know - relapse? Still if you would have asked Honor she would have told me you needed me. She probably thought I needed to get myself better before I could be there for you, but I would have been there. My god Ace, I know how much they all meant to you, tell me what happened, tell me how you are holding up." He pulled her to him and she sighed frustrated, sad.
Rory righted herself and took a drink of her coffee.
"I am glad you are on the path to recovery, I have had my share of treatments over the past two years to learn to cope, and to bring me here, to the place I can share with you." She took a calming breath, her hands trembled with nerves and he held her hands, she smiled shyly, grateful. "Logan, this isn't easy for me, and I really do't know how to begin." She paused, "Well you know they're gone, mom and my grandparents were killed a month after I graduated Yale, by a drunk driver, I was in the car, and they told me it was national news when I woke up. I was devastated of course, but my dad, Paris, Tristan and so many of my friends even my Hayden Grandmother, have helped me through it, it's still hard and when you said you didn't know earlier, I thought 'how is that even possible?' I thought you had to know. Your parents sent flowers, even Honor sent a condolence and came to visit - a little - but when there was nothing from you, I was so very hurt, devastated really." The pained look in his eyes spoke volumes," Oh god Logan, you really didn't know."
Logan looked at her pain filling his eyes, two years, she had been on her own for two years, why hadn't anyone told him, he would have been there. "Ace, I heard a rumor about some Hartford elite dying in an accident when I came back and one survivor had been in a coma, but Ace, you have to know, I never knew it was you, I would have been here if I'd only have known." He placed his hand on her knee.
"I have to tell you something else and this is the hardest part - I was pregnant, I didn't know, about 12 weeks or so, and I lost the baby, it was your baby - our baby, I am so sorry Logan." She hung her head and softly sobbed, he reached out and pulled her to him. "They told me when I came to, they told me everything at once, I was in shock, numb, I couldn't speak, react or even cry for a while and then Paris - she was so strong - she made me cry, she brought me pictures of my family to force a reaction and made me let it out, I had been so quiet she was scared and all she could think to do was make me cry; help me accept that I had lost them. She told me later, much later, she hated making me cry, but hated more the blank unfeeling doll I was displaying, it freaked her out that I was so numb."
"Ace, I wish I knew why they didn't tell me, I should have been there, I should have been able to mourn our child with you, help you with the loss of your family, I should have been there. Why didn't you or your friends try to call me, ask my family to inform me?" He rocked her and felt his own hot tears.
"Logan, you had walked away just a month before it all happened, I didn't think you would care, sure about the baby but what could you have done, he was gone, we were over and I was so deep in grief, I could barely care for myself for quite a while. Then there was the money, I had to deal with the property, the businesses, and everything, I am so grateful to my dad, Tristan and his wife, I can never repay their kindness. Tristan has been like a brother to me."
"Ace, after you were feeling better, stronger, why didn't you try to find me, tell me? Did you ask my family about me?" He was pleading.
"I don't know, guilt, sorrow, confusion? When I saw you at the party I didn't expect you to seek me out, I thought you hated me and had seen me with Tristan and presumed I was with him; he is good for that, men are afraid to approaceh me because they don't know where he and I stand. You seemed so care free, I never thought you wouldn't have known all this time." She hung her head. "It just hurt me, you looked at me like nothing had happened, like you had just returned after a business meeting and it hurt me to think you of all people could be so uncaring."
"Ace, is there anything else?" You can tell me anything.
"I may not be able to have children, complications in the miscarriage, I don't know, everything after they told me I had lost everyone - I was in a haze, it was like I was under water and their words were just bubbles - I am afraid to ask my doctor for clarification and since I don't date, I haven't felt ready - it really doesn't matter." She sighed and slumped in fatigue, then took a long sip of the now cold coffee. "That's why Tristan accompanies me and not his wife to the events i have to attend people who don't know us, just presume we are together, it keeps the wolves away."
"I am so sorry Ace, I never knew, and I have loved you too long to ever hate you. Is that why you won't work for HPG, because you thought I ignored you? " He reached out and held her hands.
"I don't know why they didn't let you know, did they really think so little of me, they seemed to care I mean your parents were at the funeral, Honor came to visit me in hospital, but you never came, called or even seemed to care, no card or flowers, radio silence. How could they not have told you? I thought you knew and just didn't care or want anything to do with me" She was sad, confused and perplexed. "I couldn't work for HPG because of you, the thought of seeing you there, or even your picture on the company website; broke my heart, I just couldn't do it." She lost composure and began to sob.
He held her to himself, his own tears falling as they mourned everything together. After a while she fell into a shuttering sleep, he carried her to her bed, removed her shoes, pulled the coverlet over her, shut the door and left the room.
He pulled out his phone to make a call, the phone rang only once, "Logan, are you okay, do you need me to come and get you?" Honor rushed out, concern clear in her voice.
"Why didn't you get me back then, she needed me and you left me there. Why didn't you at least tell me so I could let her know where I was? She had lost a child, my child, you didn't think I deserved to know?! I could have at least sent my condolence and would have been prepared, I could have worked with my doctor about it, I could have transferred here, done out patient." he sighed, "You know I am not supposed to have shocks, especially not like this. She needed me, you knew, the parents knew, and you all kept it from me, kept her from me; even that she lost my child, our child. I loved this woman more than life itself; still do and you knew she lost her whole family and our child and yet you all left her alone. I never thought you could be as heartless as they are." Logan ran his hand over his hair as he paced.
"I didn't leave her alone, I did all I could for her, what she would let me do. You were sick, you needed to be our priority, the baby was gone, what could you do?" She tried.
"She was alone, you were a pale substitute of who should have been there; me. I could have mourned with her, I could have been there. She needed me, I know I needed to get better, but I could have still had treatment, maybe I could have helped her get in therapy, we could have grieved together. Now I don't know, I don't know if I am allowed to grieve. Honor, this is so painful, you knew, I thought of all of them I could trust you to always tell me the truth. I should have been told, been able to prepare at least." He sighed feeling truly alone, "I have to go." He said then disconnected the call before she could reply. He put it on vibrate, set it on the table, removed his shoes and jacket then climbed in bed with her, she snuggled up to him as she always had and he fell fast asleep.