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Before We Fall To Pieces
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Piper hates the quiet. They haven't spoken in the last ten minutes, and she has a hunch the only reason Alex continues to stare out of the window is because she wants to avoid her gaze. In fact, she's sure Alex just wants to avoid her completely, and it makes absolutely no sense. Alex was the one who insisted they take two planes to Finland together. She was the one who got them into this shit; everything is her fault, and she has the audacity to not acknowledge Piper's presence. More than anything, Piper just wants to understand, she wants to know why Alex is behaving so distantly. Why she outright refuses to look at her, to speak to her normally.
First, Piper feels upset. She's upset that she's trapped in this country with a woman who's acting so oddly around her. She's upset that she's thrown away her life, her good life, and pathetically obeyed Alex's commands, like a lost puppy. Like a silly, silly little girl. Piper scowls. She hates how nothing has changed, and she can't believe she's back here again. Destroying her life for the sake of making Alex fucking happy. Thanks to Alex, she's abandoned her family, abandoned her one opportunity in order to lead the life she wants.
That's when she grows angry. Fucking furious at the woman standing a couple of metres away. How dare Alex do this to her? How dare she put Piper through all of this? How fucking dare she? And how dare she not talk to her now? Not look her in the eye, and explain what the fuck she is planning. If there is a plan. Piper glares at her, starts shaking again, but not out of fear. She shakes in fury, and inside her body is on fire, bursting with flames, and she feels the heat rise through her chest, to her head, down her arms. For a moment, she hates Alex.
Fucking hates everything about her.
And when this hits, Piper suffers disappointment. She's disappointed in herself, because even if she hates Alex to bits, hates what she does and how she behaves and how fucking selfish and manipulative she can be, Piper is still in love with her. Deeply. She can't imagine enjoying a life without Alex in it, without Alex being a prominent element –– person –– in it. She can't imagine living without Alex, she can't imagine smiling without Alex and she can't imagine being with anyone else except Alex. And she's so disappointed in herself; so fucking disappointed she's stooped this low. But no matter how disappointed she is, the love doesn't fade, doesn't weaken.
It's this strong, powerful emotion which forces Piper to her feet, and lets her cut through the agonising silence. 'So?' Alex doesn't move. Piper comes closer, looks at her expectantly, then suddenly grabs her arm, pulls her forwards. It's aggressive, hard. Alex flinches, then yanks her arm out of her grip. They look at each other, and Alex's eyes are a storm. Piper is instantly mesmerised. Alex's eyes reflect everything in her mind, every emotion crashing inside her. It's a mess, a disarray of complications that she can't grasp.
Then she returns to looking out of the window, watching the snow fall. Piper jars her teeth.
'Fuck, Alex, talk to me!'
No response, but she sees the corner of Alex's lips twitch in a snarl. Her silence is never good news. Alex is only silent when she's upset, or when she knows she's screwed up. Piper has a feeling it's both, and Alex's pain is doubled for her. But she's still raging, she still can't believe Alex can act this way after everything that's happened.
'What happens now?' Piper pushes. 'Is this it? We just keep running away from the police and that fucking drug lord you worked for?'
Alex stares at the window. Not through it. At it.
'Fucking say something, Alex. I deserve to know what smart-ass plan you have in mind––'
'I don't have a plan!' Her shout catches Piper off guard. 'Just... stop fucking talking, and let me think.'
'Let you think? Alex, you had seven hours on a fucking plane to think!' No reply. Alex has returned to looking at the window again. 'You had your entire probation to think. You had eight years to think, and now, of all times, you believe it's appropriate to fucking think? What the hell is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you?'
She doesn't stare now. She glares. But she still doesn't offer a response.
'Alex, don't you dare ignore me.'
'I'm not ignoring you. It's hard to ignore your voice, it's so fucking annoying.'
'If my voice is so fucking annoying to you, then why the hell did you drag me into your shit again?'
This triggers something. Piper knows she's said too much, but she holds her ground when Alex whips her head around to look at her. The dark eyes shadow and blonde hair suddenly appear very intimidating, and Alex's height seems taller, she seems taller, she seems to tower over Piper without even trying and, for a second, Piper is scared of her. Alex's eyes are still a storm, but now she sees the damage and realises she doesn't mean what she said.
But it's too late.
'I didn't drag you into my shit,' her voice is deep, almost a growl. 'The only reason we're here, kid, is because I was helping you get your ass out of that psych ward. You came to me.'
Piper is quiet, but her expression is the least bit pleasant.
'That always happens, though, doesn't it?' She hates Alex's patronising, sarcastic tone. 'You always come back to me, and when things get too much for your pretty head, you run away. You place the blame on me, when you know you're to blame here. You came to me. I never, ever came to you for anything, Piper. So don't fucking say I dragged you into this. You dragged yourself into this. I never forced you into anything.'
'Bullshit.' Piper's upper lip twitches. 'You told me to run away with you.'
'I was protecting you.' Alex scoffs, steps back. 'You're unbelievable. So fucking unbelievable! I should have seen this coming. You're right; I shouldn't bother trying to help you ever again, because I always fuck up. Every time, I fuck up. It's always my fault.'
'You got back involved with the drugs! I never said you had to help me either––'
'Oh yeah? What did you say to me over the phone? "Get me out of here"? You rang me, Piper, and you had every opportunity to ring someone else, like that fucking prick you're engaged to.'
'That fucking prick is called Larry and, for the record, we're no longer engaged, thanks to you.'
Alex gapes, then laughs. 'Thanks to me? Wow. Okay, that's the best accusation you've said so far. Sure. Because of me, you and Jerry are no longer engaged––'
'Larry!'
'Do I look like I give a flying fuck what his name is?'
'You might as well, considering you can't stop obsessing over him.'
Alex stiffens. She doesn't glare, but Piper knows she's given up. Her shoulders slump, and she looks away, blinks, and her expression is blunt, dead. The window is her focus of attention again, but after a few seconds, she looks back at Piper. 'Fuck you.' Her lower lip quivers, and Piper feels her heart smash into pieces and it nearly makes her cry out in pain.
'Fuck me?' Piper rolls her eyes. 'That's the best you've got?'
'Yeah,' Alex says through gritted teeth.
'Yeah? Well, fuck you, too. If you hadn't come back into my life, I'd be happy. I'd be so much happier. I wouldn't be dealing with your shit and your shitty problems. I wouldn't have abused my furlough; I'd be back in prison finishing my time. Then I would be back home, safe––'
'With Larry?'
Piper wants to slap her. But, more than anything, she wants to slap herself. Wants to fucking hurt herself. She wants Alex to grab her, hurt her, punish her for being so awful. But she can't stop. She can't stop throwing insult after insult. Tears sting Piper's eyes, and she steps closer, and she only reaches Alex's nose, but she refuses to allow their height differences to bother her. 'Yes. With Larry. The man I intended to marry after you fucked me around.'
For a moment, Alex's cold exterior fades, and she widens her eyes. Looks at her so innocently. 'Do you still love him?'
No. She doesn't.
Piper only loves one person.
How is it possible to hate someone she loves so much? How the fuck is it possible?
A tear trickles down her cheek, but she doesn't wipe it away. She notices Alex's eyes follow the tear, then back to her eyes. Piper's sneer isn't directed at Alex, but Alex believes it is when their gaze meets. 'And what if I did? You going to dump me?'
'We aren't together, Piper.'
'What?'
'We fucked, sure. But that means nothing. You're even more pathetic than I thought if you believed what we did meant anything. We're not together. We'll never be together. I couldn't stand being with you in that way.' Alex scoffs lightly, rolls her eyes, shakes her head. 'I've had enough experience to know you're the last person I want to be with.'
'You're lying.' Piper blinks, which triggers more tears to fall. She lets them fall, but she doesn't allow her expression to change. She braces herself, she's prepared. She's strong and willing to take this right to the very end.
Alex smiles crookedly. 'No. I'm not. You know what's fucking satisfying, though? The fact you wish I was.'
'You're a bitch.'
'Oh yeah? Tell me something I don't know.'
'Fuck you.' Piper steps back, runs her hands through her hair, refuses to let a sob break from her throat. 'Fuck you. Fuck you. Just–– fuck you, Alex.'
'That's the best you got?' She mocks.
Piper roughly wipes her face. 'Go away.' She looks at her. 'Leave me alone. Go away. Go away!'
'Gladly.' Alex snatches her blazer, pulls it on.
'Go find some whore to spend the night with! Let her deal with your shit.'
'All right,' Alex replies, far too pleasantly. She doesn't seem to care. Heading for the door, Alex looks at her over her shoulder, and her smile is cruel. Insulting. Her smile is fake, and sarcastic. Hateful. 'I will. I'd go for anyone other than you, frankly.'
'Fuck you!' Piper storms over, but Alex has already opened the door. 'Go fuck yourself, Alex Vause!' The door slams shut, and Piper is left alone.
Devastated, angry, and upset, Piper grabs a lamp and throws it at the wall. It smashes, and glass scatters across the floor. She's made a mark in the wall, but she doesn't care. Piper yells, whams her first into the cupboard, and then surrenders. The blonde moves to the bed, collapses over it, and pulls a pillow close, and for the next thirty minutes, she does nothing but cry. Lately, that's all she's been able to do, and she hates Alex for turning her into someone so pathetic. Piper's cries are furious, and she struggles against herself, inhaling sharply, holding her breath, clutching the pillow, the bed sheet. But she can't stop, she can't stop.
(Gradually, pain courses through my body, and knots form in my stomach. I feel numb, worthless, and when I finally raise my head, I see it's getting dark. Slowly, I sit upright, and stare at the wall. I'm numb. So fucking numb I can't move. I let my mind torture me. I go over the argument I had with Alex again and again, repeat the words she said to me, the tone she used, and her smiles. Her sarcasm and horrible behaviour. Horrible. She was so horrible. Made me feel small, pointless, just a burden to her. I consider leaving. Just leaving.
Maybe she'll prefer that. If I just left. Left and never came back. I can catch a plane to somewhere else, far away from her. I can make my own life. I don't need Alex. I don't need that fucking bitch to tell me what to do. I don't need her to make me fucking miserable either. I don't need her. I don't need Alex. I don't need her.
–– But I do. Fuck, Piper. Fucking Hell. Fuck. What's wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I imply I might still love Larry? Why did I push this? Why am I making things worse? Fuck. Fuck, why won't Alex talk to me? Is she scared? Did me nearly getting shot effect her this much? Fucking Christ. Why won't she tell me? Why won't she acknowledge I'm a fucking person, too, who has emotions and worries? Why won't she talk to me like she used to? Not continue to look at me like I'm a fucking stranger.
Alex, you are killing me. You are killing me.)
The snow never ceases to fall.
(I feel alone. Lonely. Abandoned.
Suddenly, I know how Alex felt all those years ago in Paris. I lean forwards, holding myself, and silently cry a little more. I feel so abandoned. But so fucking pathetic. So stupid. So selfish. So horrible. I am awful. I am awful. Doggett was right: I don't deserve to be loved. Fuck. Fuck. She was so fucking right. Fuck me. Fuck.)
Then she's pulling on her leather jacket, and approaching the door. Piper wipes her moist face with the back of sleeve. She forces her legs to move. Locks the door. Moves. Moves. Walks. Dashes down the stairs, leaves the hotel. The jacket doesn't keep her warm. In seconds, Piper is shivering. The snow reaches just above her ankles. Blindly, she searches for Alex. She takes a right, passes several people, takes a left, then another left, then a right.
Nowhere. Alex is nowhere.
Piper bites down on her lower lip. What if Alex has already found someone she wants to spend the night with? Heck, she said it herself that she and Piper aren't together. What's stopping her? And Piper can't blame her. She can't blame her for choosing someone else. Piper searches for over two hours, and by the time she gives up, her cheeks are flushed, her ears are freezing and her body is in so much pain. Her feet are numb, stinging. She doesn't know if the pain from the cold or the pain from losing Alex forces her to return to the hotel.
(Has she left me? Finally?)
When she reaches her room, Piper closes the door, slides down it and meets the floor. She leans her head against the door, waits. Regrets. Hates. Loves. But she doesn't cry anymore.
(Come back. Come back. Please, come back to me.)
An hour passes.
Piper stands, approaches the window.
Ten minutes pass.
She strips off her jacket. Glances at the time. It's getting late. Piper sits on the edge of the bed.
Another twenty minutes go by unnoticed.
When it's eleven in the evening, Piper knows Alex isn't returning. She tries hard not to cry. Piper feels numb, absent, when she removes her clothes, crawls into bed in just her underwear. The sheets are cold, and the double bed is too big for her. She rolls on her side, looks at the time. She doesn't want to know where Alex is, if she's in bed with another woman by now, or going to be. She doesn't want to know.
Piper keeps her eyes open. Despite the exhaustion in her limbs, she can't sleep. She doesn't want to sleep. A ball forms in her throat, and she nearly starts crying again. Piper rolls onto her back, pulls at her hair, jars her teeth, growls, inhales, exhales. She's angry again, but she regrets everything. Regrets everything. Right now, she just wants Alex here, to hold her. She wants them to get over themselves. All they have left is each other.
Sitting upright, Piper stares into the darkness. Then gasps lightly.
(She's all I have left.)
Flicking on the lamp, Piper pulls on her t-shirt and approaches the window. It's still snowing, and she lazily watches the flakes float in the breeze. The street lamps create such a beautiful, warm atmosphere, and she sees several people, usually alone, walk down the streets. Before she knows what she's doing, Piper dresses herself again and leaves the hotel. She feels invisible in the dim light, walking through the snow, allowing the chill to freeze her.
Helsinki is gorgeous at night. Despite everything, Piper has to admit she loves the city.
A shop is still open, and she orders a hot chocolate to take away. She sips her warm drink, continues walking, and reaches a bench, overlooking a part of the city. All she can see is snow though as she sits down, leaning back, drinking her hot chocolate every now and again. She manages to ignore the cold after a while, and simply enjoys the silence, the isolation. But by the time she's finished her drink, Piper is plummeted back to reality again.
Two dead bodies. Corpses. And blood.
Waiting for her family to see when they visit home.
The police will know it's Piper. Who else? They may link the murders to Alex as well, but Piper is definitely on the wanted list. Definitely a murderess. A woman with a heart of stone. Everything she isn't. Piper sighs. What has she transformed into? What happened to her? And why do these questions always prop up when Alex is involved? Why is it always Alex? Why does Alex always do this to her? Why does Alex make her question her morality, her life, everything?
Why Alex?
Why is Alex the one person who makes her think?
Throwing away her drink, Piper shoves her hands into her pockets and walks a little further into the city. Snow melts in her hair, coats her arms and shoulders. As strangers go past, ignoring her presence, Piper realises just how alone she is. Somehow, someway, she has hidden herself away from the world. Become an irrelevant life. It doesn't upset her, really. She doesn't feel anything. She thinks it's about time; it's about time she felt irrelevant.
She deserves to become irrelevant.
That's when Piper finds her.
A bottle of cider in her left hand, a cigarette in the other. She's sitting on a bench. No one is keeping her company, except the snow. Piper stops, stares.
Oh God.
In a way, she wishes she hadn't found Alex. She wishes Alex had moved on.
Help Piper erase the pain.
But Alex is just inevitable. So inevitable. No matter how much they run away from one another, the string brings them back together.
Piper considers turning away. Leaving her be.
'––Alex?'
Of course she can't.
She sees Alex tense, but she doesn't turn to look at her; takes a drag from her cigar.
Piper's heart skips a beat. 'Are you smoking?'
The older woman stands up, and turns to her. Her expression is illegible. 'Yeah.' Alex approaches her, but Piper realises she doesn't intend to stay. When Alex starts to walk past, Piper grabs her by the arm, and refuses to let go even when Alex struggles out of her grip. '––the fuck? Piper, get off me.'
'No.'
'Get off me.'
'No.'
Alex clutches onto her bottle of cider stubbornly, and Piper know she's slightly drunk. How fucking irresponsible. How stupid.
'How much have you had?' She yanks the bottle out of Alex's hand. 'Is this your third? Fourth? Tenth?'
'The fuck are you? My mother?'
'Alex.'
'What?'
'Stop fucking around––'
'Oh, for God's sake, Piper! Give me a fucking break, yeah?'
Piper can't hold onto her when Alex roughly pulls out of her grip. 'I thought...'
'What? You thought what?'
'That you'd left me!' Piper yells, her voice echoing the empty street. The bottle of cider falls from her hand, and lands in the snow.
Alex scoffs. 'Didn't you want me to?'
'I didn't mean what I said.'
'Really? So what did you mean, Piper?'
'Don't talk to me like that.'
'Like what? Like this? Sorry, babe, that's just the way I––' Crack.
It's the shock which hurts most. Not the slap.
Piper is shaking, watching her. Alex's cheek is sore and red from the attack, and she slowly meets Piper's gaze. The sarcasm is gone. There's just an emptiness in her eyes.
Then, she inhales on her cigarette, and exhales the smoke in Piper's face, nearly causing the younger woman to choke. 'Has anyone told you that you slap like a girl?'
'Fuck off, Alex.'
A snigger. Alex places the cigar between her lips again.
Piper whacks her hand, and the cigarette falls to the snowy ground.
Silence.
They glare at one another.
But there is no hatred in their eyes.
'I can't believe you're doing this,' Piper speaks, her voice cracking. 'I can't believe you.'
'Neither can I. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking dragging you all the way out here, right?'
'Stop it. Just stop it.'
'Stop what?' The argument sobers Alex slightly, and the emptiness in her eyes fills again. 'What the fuck can I do, Piper? Everything I do just seems to piss you off!'
'That's because you're acting like a goddamn asshole!'
'I'm an asshole?'
'Fucking hell, Alex...'
'What do you want me to do?'
'I want you to come back to the hotel, get into bed with me and hold me!'
A frown. Alex watches her in disbelief; she's surprised, shocked. There is honest and genuine shock in her expression. Alex takes one step back, then turns around, and there's a pause. Piper waits, heart pounding against her ribcage. Waits for a response. For half a minute, there isn't one, and she doesn't understand. That's the core problem: she doesn't understand. And she wants to. She wants to desperately understand why Alex is behaving like this, she wants to know what's wrong.
When Alex turns back to face her, she sees anger, rage, a horrible, ugly rage which is not directed at her. 'I don't know what to do.' She jars her teeth. 'I don't know how to act around you anymore, Piper. I nearly lost you.'
Piper's heart stops.
'You nearly got shot. Fuck. You nearly died! And now? Now I'm too fucking scared to even touch you. You nearly left me. You nearly abandoned me again. All I'm thinking about now is how I can protect you, that's all I've been thinking about. When we were travelling here, I was so fucking scared. I was so fucking scared you'd get caught or shot –– I can't stop thinking about that dick holding a gun to your face. Do you know how fucking scared I was?'
No. She can't possibly imagine.
'You made me love you again. That's your fault. And then you nearly left me.'
Piper looks away.
'I know I fucked up. I got you out of that ward the wrong way, but I did it. I–– I do stupid things.' Alex shrugs, helplessly. 'I wasn't thinking about that, though. Just... I was just thinking about you.'
(Stop. Stop.)
'And that fucking terrifies me, kid.'
Piper is silenced. She shudders, but not because of the cold. The silence is gentle and soft like the snow, and, finally, everything makes sense. Piper feels nothing but shame, guilt. Oh, she's been so ignorant. So self-obsessed.
'We're fucked up, Alex.'
'I know.'
They watch each other in silence, and Piper's expression softens. Her hands touch her shoulders, arms circle around her neck, and Piper kisses where she slapped her. Kisses her there again, then her chin, her other cheek, forehead, every inch of her face, the corner of her lips, her jawline, then, finally, her lips. She tastes of cider, tobacco, and snow. Alex resists. Piper grabs her collar with one hand, pulls her closer, and kisses her so softly. Pulls away.
'Come back with me.'
(I need you. You're my home. Come back. You're all I have left. We're all we have left.
Don't turn away now.)
There's little hesitance.
Piper holds Alex's blazer, keeps her close. And together, they walk through the blur of snowflakes.
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author's note: Thank you jacklavigne, Tail of the Storm, garganta, [ lj ], Hope6968, Maritexxam, ToTheBarricades, Gamut, alexsmdd, bluepaintbox, izzielg and Chand3li3r for your amazing reviews on the prior chapter. I hope you all enjoyed this one; please tell me your thoughts. They are important to me. Until next time!