Author's Notes: And here's the next chapter of From Every Direction, A Different Disguise. I will admit, I'm not very happy with the second section, but that was how Suzie wanted things to play out in her conversation with Jack. I don't argue with Suzie. Ever. Even when she's sane and not a homicidal maniac, she's scarier than Jack. Also, people might find Steven's protectiveness of Alice and Jack strange, given that he's a very little boy. That's based on what I've observed of my own nieces and nephews, as well as a little boy who used to live next door to my family with his parents and older brother. When he was about three or four, it was learned that his oldest brother (who lived with his mother) was abused and neglected, and the toddler swore that he 'would beat her butt' (the mother of his half-brother). Little kids can be very protective. In this chapter, Tosh swings back and forth between amusement and exasperation; Suzie and Jack have a heart-to-heart; and Steven sees a lot more than people give him credit for. As per usual with this series, the story will be a little longer than I initially anticipated … I think there will be one more full chapter after this, and then an epilogue to wrap things up. The next story that's being planned in the Points of Departure series is the re-write to Children of Earth (which doesn't have a title yet) and then Miracle Day (I'm thinking Unintended Consequences, but that's not written in stone).
Chapter Three
Confession is Good for the Soul
"You are so dead!" Owen Harper exclaimed gleefully as soon as Suzie told him that Jack was returning from the train station. He lounged against Suzie's desk, arms folded over his chest and his face alight with a particularly mischievous grin. Toshiko Sato just rolled her eyes at the physician before trying to focus on her program once more. Yes, she had a crush on Owen, but really, was it necessary to behave in such an obnoxious manner? She didn't imagine Jack would be particularly pleased with Owen either, not just for using his name like that, but not warning Jack about it. As strange as it might have sounded, Tosh was actually quite protective of Jack. Not just because he saved her from UNIT, but because within six months of her release into custody, he personally drove her to see her mother. When she realized where she was, she whispered, 'but UNIT …!' He merely smiled at her, murmuring to let him deal with UNIT … her mother need to see for herself that she was all right. Tosh knew so well what she owed to Jack … yes, she was infatuated with Owen, but she couldn't imagine a time when she would choose the doctor over Jack.
Suzie caught sight of Tosh's expression as the tech wizard listened to the conversation, and the second in command dropped a sly wink in response. Tosh bit back a grin. This could be entertaining, listening to another edition of the Owen and Suzie snark-fest (it almost always was, really), but she promised Jack that she would have more progress on this program by the time she left today (since she had to leave early the previous night, something she dared to point out to Jack, much to his delight). She ducked her head, grinning briefly at Suzie.
And that worthy lady snarked right back, "You aren't in Jack's good books right now any more than I am, Harper. In fact, I think it might be safe to say that you're in bigger trouble." And speaking of the Owen-Suzie snark fest, they were off again. Although, Tosh had to admit, she had an excellent point. And really, it didn't matter to her who was in more trouble, as long as they didn't interfere with her work (and she didn't let Jack down). Suzie taunted, "You know how Jack is about apologies versus making things right. So here's the question, Owen: which one of us will learn from our mistakes? I was probably wrong to drag Jack's … sister down here, but you were absolutely wrong to use his name. It doesn't matter that he can take care of himself, that's not the point. How would you like it if Jack used your name, maybe when he was picking someone up?" Oooh, ouch! Tosh raised her head, to see Owen's mouth working without any sound coming out.
The silence lasted a very brief time (but that didn't mean Tosh enjoyed it any less, even though she became very good at shutting distractions out), because Owen quickly rallied, "It depends on what he was using it for … there are times when I wouldn't mind him using my name! If he was using my name to pick up other blokes, that's one thing, but … well … I'm sure there would be a time when I would be okay with him doing it." Tosh rolled her eyes and shook her head, because really, what else could she do? Especially since Jack's return was announced quite loudly. As the Hub door rolled back, revealing their captain, Owen all but meeped and traipsed back down into the autopsy bay.
If he was trying to get out of the line of fire before Jack noticed him, well … it was too late. Way too late. Jack called down after him as he entered the main part of the Hub, "Don't think I've forgotten about that conversation, Owen." Suzie and Tosh exchanged a look, and Tosh bit her lip, lowering her head to keep it from being obvious that she was laughing. Jack continued, "Suzie, give me about thirty, maybe thirty-five minutes, and then we'll work on those protocols." Owen poked his head out of the med-bay just long to stick his tongue out at Suzie, and then disappeared again before Jack could grab him. Tosh returned her attention to her work, trying not to feel disappointed that Jack wasn't telling her anything, when she felt a pair of lips against the side of her head. Jack whispered, "And you, Toshiko, keep doing what you're doing."
Tosh blushed, but sat up just a little straighter in her chair. From the med-bay, Owen bellowed, "Teacher's pet!" Tosh was fairly certain that he meant Suzie, considering he couldn't have heard Jack's words to her. Whether it was to defend her honor or Tosh's, it didn't seem to make a difference. Suzie's dark eyes hardened and she left her seat, racing down into the autopsy bay. Jack hadn't yet moved from his position behind Tosh, and he watched with obvious amusement as his second in command chased their doctor around his own autopsy bay. Tosh tried not to giggle, but a sidelong glance at Jack, who winked at her cheekily, put an end to that. Jack kissed the side of her head again, before bounding up to his office.
Tosh shook her head again and returned her full attention to her current project. She was slowly become accustomed to being free again, and thankfully, both Jack and Suzie were always there when she needed them. They were both quite protective of her in their own ways. Although … Tosh hesitated, because since Suzie started working on the glove, she noticed … well, something was different. She wasn't sure yet that it was good different or bad different, but it was different, and people were far harder for Tosh to read. However, she resolved to keep an eye on Suzie, because that was what friends did, and she owed the other woman, so much.
Things were mostly silent for the next forty-five minutes (especially after Suzie finished chasing Owen around his autopsy bay with his own scalpel … and Tosh already made sure to save that footage for Jack to enjoy later, as it would no doubt amuse him), but eventually, Jack called down, "Suzie? Whenever you're ready!" Suzie, who had been working on the glove again, rose to her feet with a piece of paper in her right hand, squared shoulders, and a determined expression. Tosh mouthed, 'you'll be fine,' and Suzie offered her a rueful smile, before traipsing upstairs to their boss.
TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW
As it turned out, Suzie's new protocols for the security of the Tourist Office met with Jack's approval, and that caused a warm glow that would likely last for the rest of the day. At least until Jack stared at her with soft blue eyes … that warned Suzie that what was to come would be far more difficult for her. He said very gently, "Suzie, I talked to Alice on the way to the train station. There were … she was a bit concerned about you, particularly about your reaction to my admitted over-protectiveness."
Damn. She should have known this would have come back to bite her in the arse. However , Suzie put her best mask on (Jack wasn't the only one who wore masks after all) and replied, "Just didn't like her making assumptions that she had no business making, especially since she admitted that her husband and his mates kept making references to 'that little bloke.' I don't pretend to know or understand the relationship between you two, Jack … I was an only child, so I've got no point of reference. But I didn't like her making assumptions and behaving the way she was, throwin' her weight around as if she owns this place. She isn't Torchwood, Jack, she doesn't get to behave that way in our base."
"She's more Torchwood than she's willing to admit and more than you know," was Jack's rather cryptic response. Then again, Suzie was accustomed to that. What she wasn't accustomed to was Jack continuing in a quiet voice, "I appreciate you being protective of me, and the base, but that didn't answer my question. There was more to it than Alice making assumptions that you didn't care for. It was … in her words … very personal. As if what she was saying offended you on a deep level."
It was at that point that Suzie realized she had to get out, go, right now, right now, right now. Her heart started racing as she realized that Jack wouldn't let this go. Normally, he didn't interfere in the personal lives of his team, unless he was concerned that their personal issues would impact the team as a whole. Which meant … Suzie shuddered, and Jack murmured, "Suzie, I'm not demanding that you tell me. I would never do that. I … I just want you to know that if you get to the point where you feel you can trust me, I won't betray that trust."
She couldn't quite keep from laughing bitterly, "Trust? It isn't about trust, Jack." And she knew instantly that she'd made a mistake. Not because he wouldn't back off, but because he would. Could she tell him? The whole unvarnished truth? Tell him why she was so envious of his sister for having a brother (or whatever they were to each other) who would look after her … tell him why she would … tell him any of it? She didn't want to. There were old wounds that were already re-opened, did she dare rub salt in those wounds? It would take her a few days, a few weeks for those wounds to scab over, was it worth it to tell Jack, when it clearly didn't pertain to Torchwood or anything else that was his concern?
No. No, it wasn't, and Suzie rose, with the full intention of walking out and returning to work now that their business for Torchwood was concluded. There was still a lot of research to be done on the glove, and she promised she would help Tosh with verification of their tech's results. There was a lot of work to be done. She started for the door, but her feet betrayed her and she found herself turning back toward Jack, heard herself saying, "This … it isn't about trust, Jack. At least, not the way you mean. But I learned at a very early age to fear the creak of the board, and the sound of my father's breathing in a dark room." Suzie stared at Jack, horrified as the words came out … but not nearly as horrified as Jack's expression as he heard what she said and as he put those words into context. And of course, because he was Jack and because he knew what monsters humans could be, he came up with exactly the correct conclusion.
"That bastard," he hissed, handsome face giving way to something alien and furious and terrifying and beautiful for all that. Suzie stared at him in horror and fascination, because this was a mask and yet it wasn't a mask, either. Was this Jack's true face, the true face he wore when he was angry? She didn't know. When he added, his voice as cold as the Northern tundra, "That bastard, he hurt you," there was another explosion of warmth in Suzie's chest, because she knew, she KNEW, that if she had Captain Jack Harkness in her life at that time, no harm would have come to her. And with that knowledge, the words came spilling out of her in a deluge, words long dammed up by self-loathing and hurt and shame. Her feet returned her to Jack's desk, and her knees started to give way … but Jack didn't let her fall. His hands gripped her forearms, and she knew she should have yelled at him for touching her without her permission, she knew she should be angry, but this touch was supportive, protective. The only way Jack's touch would ever hurt her was if she hurt someone else first.
She even told him about the night her mother died, bundling her into the car, murmuring, 'come, my little one … shh, be silent, all will be well. I am sorry, my Susana, so very sorry.' She told him about how her mother begged her forgiveness for not protecting her from her father, for lacking the courage Suzie had even as a nine year old child. She told him about the crash that killed her mother and kept her away from her father for so long … but not long enough. And by the time she was finished, her head resting against Jack's chest, body trembling, there was no strength left in her. Jack whispered, "I know I should have asked permission before I touched you, but can I hold you properly now?"
Suzie gave a watery laugh, rasping out, "I should be angry with you for touching me while I was telling you about that, but I don't think I'd want to be on the floor for this. Please … yes, please." Jack pulled her back to his chair and then drew her into his arms, onto his lap, and Suzie found herself curling up in his embrace, which was neither too tight nor too loose, but made her feel safe and comforted. She buried her face against his chest, inhaling that wonderful scent that sometimes kindled lust in her … and other times, like now, when it made her feel safe and protected and loved.
Jack kissed her forehead, stroking her hair back from her face, and murmured, "If you want me to handle it, I will." Handle it. He meant he would kill her father, if she asked him to. Suzie thought about telling him that her father would never hurt anyone again, that he was a shadow of what he was, a hollow shell of the man of Suzie's childhood. She thought about saying yes … she wanted to say yes, she wanted to stand over her father's helpless body and do the deed herself. She wanted to destroy him, and she wanted him to know that he was dying by her hand.
But in the end, she whispered, "No. No, I …" What? Suzie held onto Jack, trying to sort through what she wanted, what she thought, what she was feeling. How did she feel? Wrung-out. Yes, she felt wrung-out, she felt exhausted, and … curiously light. As if something in her chest dissolved, allowing her to breathe again. She raised her head to look at him, his blue eyes now warm and kind and compassionate, and Suzie answered hoarsely, "No, Jack. I love you for making the offer, but it's not your responsibility, it's not your fight. Honestly, I'm not even sure if it's mine any more. The truth is, I'm tired of giving him power over me."
"It's not quite that easy, Suze, but it's your decision. I'm sorry," Jack murmured. It wasn't those 'I'm sorry' apologies that he hated (and Suzie hated as well, come to that) … it was more like 'I'm sorry that happened to you.' Which didn't do anything, but Suzie could accept that. He kissed her forehead again, saying softly, "You know that even if I knew you back then, there might not have been anything I could have done? I might not have been able to save you." Suzie tightened her arms around Jack's neck.
"I know," she admitted against his shoulder, "but that's not the point. You wouldn't have done that to your daughter or to your sister. For that reason alone, I envy Alice. She doesn't know how lucky she is, especially when it comes to having someone willing to fight for her … even willing to kill for her, if the circumstances are right." His arms tightened around her convulsively, and his body trembled against hers. Suzie had the oddest feeling that he was either laughing (unlikely) or weeping (but that didn't make sense, either). Whether it made sense or not, Suzie felt the need now to comfort her boss, rubbing the back of his neck and stroking the soft hair under her fingers.
"Don't put me in a box, Suzie … don't put me in a box and don't put me on a pedestal. I think you'll find when you talk to Alice, she wouldn't choose me for … for brother of the year, and rightfully so," Jack answered hoarsely. That was probably true … well, that Alice Carter wouldn't choose Jack for brother of the year (the other was up for debate) and heaven knew that Suzie would never do her boss the disservice of putting him on a pedestal. Oh, there were times when she was tempted to do just that, they all were at one time or another, even Owen … but Jack had a way of reminding people just how human and imperfect he was. It was usually small stuff, but as she well knew, small made all the difference.
She was on the verge of pointing this out, when Jack continued, his breath warm against her skin, "I'm not telling you this because … There have been times in my life when I've done terrible things … hurt people terribly, Suzie. Sometimes, it was because there was no other way if I wanted this world to keep spinning … sometimes, it was because I was in pain myself and wanted others to hurt, too … and there were other times when I just didn't give a damn. Don't make the mistake of thinking that I'm this great hero, because I'm not. I can't be sure I would have been able to save you, or even tried." Suzie pulled away at that, and glowered at him, which drew a reluctant smile.
"Now you're being a great sodding git, Jack Harkness. I told you … I know you might not have been able to save me … might have chosen not to save me, because if you had saved me, the world might have ended on that particular night … might have even been prevented from it by something else. But what counts to me is that you were willing to fight for me, were willing to kill for me. Not because it would have given you leverage over me, but because of that great big bloody heart of yours. And you're wrong about one other thing, too … you are a hero, a big damn hero, and I won't hear you say otherwise, understood?" Suzie told him sternly. That reluctant smile widened and that was answer enough for Suzie. She nestled back into his arms, murmuring, "I should have told you about this a long time ago. It wasn't that I didn't trust you … well, more recently. It's just that there are some pains that are too big to share." His arms tightened around her once more.
"I understand that. Better than you think," was the response. Suzie hugged him a little tighter in response, because if there was one thing that all four of them understood, it was hurt too deep to talk about. Even that prat Owen knew … and Suzie could see it in Tosh's eyes. She didn't know it, but her future just changed for the second time in the last few hours. There was one more test to come for Susana Costello, a test that would decide whether she would end her time at Torchwood as a murderer or as a heroine. At that moment, settled in Jack's lap, enfolded in his arms, she only knew that she wasn't alone any more, that she wouldn't allow her father the final victory. She only knew that she was (almost) free.
TWTWTWTWTWTW
Steven Carter was five years old and he was much smarter, and far more perceptive, than people around him realized … except maybe his Uncle Jack, who wasn't really his uncle. Not that Steven knew what the word 'perceptive' meant, and thus couldn't use it in a sentence. No one knew, but Steven heard his mummy call Uncle Jack 'dad' sometimes. And if Uncle Jack was really Mummy's dad, that meant he had to be Steven's grandfather. That, by itself, was confusing. The grandmas and grandpas whom Steven knew were all old, a lot older than Mummy. And Uncle Jack wasn't old. But he knew what he heard, and the one time he questioned Mummy about it, she just looked upset and tried to say that it was a joke, that she was teasing Uncle Jack because he was acting like her dad.
He didn't say anything more, because Daddy made Mummy cry a lot, especially when she didn't think Steven could see or hear her, but that didn't mean Steven didn't actually see or hear her crying. And he felt that same fierce protectiveness that many children felt for their parents, so he wasn't particularly upset when he didn't see his father. Daddy made Mummy cry? Steven didn't want to see Daddy any more. Seeing Uncle Jack upset Mummy too, but the little boy saw that Uncle Jack was hurting as well. He always looked so sad when he left their house, Steven could see that even if he was supposed to be in bed … he'd wait at the top of the stairs. The little boy could never hear what was being said, but he saw how sad Uncle Jack looked. He loved them both, and he didn't like it when the people whom he loved were hurt.
Mummy was sad last night … he knew that when he woke up from his nightmares, he could see it in her eyes. She was sad last night, and she was angry when he left for school this morning. She pretended like she wasn't, but she was. Steven knew his mummy's mad face, and her mad but pretending not to be mad, and her sad face. And now, she wasn't wearing her mad face … sad, more like. That didn't prevent her from scooping him into her arms and hugging him tightly, kissing the side of his head, the way Uncle Jack did when Steven ran into his arms and Uncle Jack called him 'soldier.' She told him that she saw his Uncle Jack that day, and since Daddy was working late tonight, she asked his uncle to come to dinner.
Steven couldn't help himself. After demonstrating his complete and total approval of that plan (much squealing and hugging his mother with delight, because not only was Uncle Jack coming to dinner, but Mummy was making Steven's favorites), he had to ask, "Is it because Daddy got drunk last night?" That sadness came back into his mother's eyes, and Steven said tearfully, "I'm sorry, Mummy, I didn't mean to make you sad." But Mummy hugged him again, kissing the top of his head. Steven held onto her as well, feeling as if Mummy needed him to hug her, and that was something he could do.
"You didn't make me sad, sweet boy. Uncle Jack is coming to dinner, because I wasn't kind to him, and I thought he did something wrong … but he didn't. I want to make things right with him. Besides, I know how much you love him," Mummy replied. Steven looked up at her, and Mummy smiled, adding, "You love him, and he loves you, Steven, so very much. I misjudged Uncle Jack, and I think it's long past time that I stopped letting your grandma dictate my actions and the way I think. Do you remember what I told you when you got mad at Sarita, because you thought she hurt Dori's feelings?" Steven nodded, because he remembered that very well. Mummy said that he had to always remember that there were two sides to every story, and that he had to hear both sides of the story before he made decisions. Mummy continued, "Turns out that I need to remember my own advice, because I hurt Uncle Jack very much. The truth is, we've hurt each other."
"But you forgive him, 'cause you love him, just like he forgives you, 'cause he loves you. That's what you told me," Steven pointed out, and his mother smiled again. As she did sometimes when he was calming down, Steven wiped away her tears with his thumbs, and Mummy laughed, though there were still tears in her eyes. Steven added, "Uncle Jack loves you, too, Mummy. He said that he's not always been there when you needed him, but he told me that there was never a time when he didn't love you, when you weren't in his heart." Personally, Steven thought that was a funny thing to say … Mummy was too big to fit inside Uncle Jack's heart.
And Mummy's eyes filled with fresh tears. Steven started to apologize, because he hadn't wanted to upset her. He wanted to make her happy, 'cause Uncle Jack loved her just as much as he loved Steven. Mummy said softly, "I know that now, honey. But I was angry with Uncle Jack because when I needed him, he couldn't be there for me. Not because he didn't want to be, but because he couldn't be. I thought something was more important to me, and that hurt. But I was wrong, and because I was wrong, I hurt you, and I hurt Uncle Jack, and I hurt myself. You remember when I told you that sometimes people who love each other hurt each other the worst of all? That's what happened. I thought your uncle Jack didn't love me enough, but the truth is, he loved me too much. So. We're gonna start over … you and me and Uncle Jack. There will be times when I get mad at him, or he'll get mad at me, but we both love you, so very much."
"Love you, too, Mummy," Steven told her, kissing her cheek. He was swept into another embrace. As Steven cuddled in his mother's arms, she said something very strange. He couldn't quite make out everything she was saying, but he could tell that his mummy was mad at her mummy, because her mummy lied to her about Uncle Jack. Steven hugged her tighter, because he didn't want her to be angry or sad anymore.
TBC