Chapter Three

February 5, 2011 – 5:28am

"I can't do this." The sound of his own voice, strained with emotion, startled Jimmy. He hadn't meant to speak, but now that he had, the words started tumbling out. "I can't do this. I can't just sit here and watch this –"

Jimmy's voice broke in a sob; but he pulled himself to his feet, struggling to get himself under control as he stumbled into the bedroom. "I can't stay here," he whispered as he searched the room for his sneakers. "I need to be there. I'll tell them I was called in. I'm surprised I haven't been already. It's not like –" his voice caught in his throat, and more tears slipped down his cheeks. "It's not like we're not needed tonight," he finished quietly, glad there was no one around to hear.

The ZNN website had a map of the area, showing the suggested detour around the destroyed overpass. Jimmy quickly scribbled directions, trying to choose a route that would let him avoid most of the traffic. He would have to park several blocks away and walk, but that would hopefully make it easier to avoid the security around the perimeter for as long as possible.

The sky was transitioning from total darkness to just the faintest hint of light as Jimmy drove. He kept the radio on, but turned down low. He needed to hear if there were any new developments, but he couldn't stand to hear them repeating the same speculations over and over.

Finally he was close enough to park. He grabbed his NCIS cap from the passenger seat and pulled it on, realizing – too late – that he wasn't dressed as he usually would be for a crime scene. If he'd really been called in, he probably would have gone to the office first and changed into the coveralls that he and Ducky usually wore. He hoped that whoever was working security would believe him despite the fact that he pretty much looked like just another gawker.

Hands stuffed in his pockets to keep them warm, Jimmy quickly walked the seven blocks to where the street was blocked off. He found that he needn't have worried about how he looked. The perimeter guard who stopped him – a uniformed police officer – quickly looked over the ID that Jimmy presented, then motioned him through.

"The feds are set up near the northwest corner," the officer informed him, pointing toward one of the areas lit by floodlights. "You'll want to check in with them, see where they need you. I gotta warn you, it's not a pretty sight over there."

Jimmy swallowed hard and tried to keep his professional mask in place. Truthfully, even the goriest crime scenes usually didn't faze him, but it was a completely different matter when the victims were people he knew, people he'd worked with for years. He thanked the officer, then turned and forced himself to walk slowly toward the group of people gathered under the floodlights. It wouldn't do to run headlong into someone, particularly an armed and upset federal agent.

"Mr. Palmer!"

Jimmy looked up, then, forgetting his earlier resolution, rushed toward the figure in coveralls who had shouted his name.

"Doctor Mallard!"

"Mr. Palmer, what are you doing here?" Ducky grabbed the younger man's shoulders, looking worriedly at his assistant's pale face.

"I – I saw it on the news," Jimmy stammered. "They said NCIS was involved, and I know Tony got called in earlier tonight, and I saw –" He bit back his next words, realizing that Ducky might not yet know about the death of his friend.

"Oh, Jimmy." The use of his first name was not lost on Jimmy; usually Ducky referred to him as Mr. Palmer, out of respect, just as Jimmy called him Dr. Mallard rather than by his nickname. Ducky suddenly seemed older, more tired. "I'm so sorry. I have some very bad news –"

Jimmy's stomach lurched; his vision blurred. The next thing he knew, he was on his knees, doubled over, while Ducky had his arms wrapped around him to keep his head from hitting the ground.

"They're still looking for Anthony and Timothy, and for Agent Fornell's team," Ducky was saying as he rubbed Jimmy's back soothingly, seeming far more like the younger man's father than his supervisor right now. "They – found Jethro. He's…"

"I know. I saw." Jimmy rocked back on his heels so he could look at his mentor. He felt ashamed for his brief fainting spell – as if he had any control over it – while Ducky was carrying on so bravely after losing his friend of several years. "Doctor Mallard, I'm so sorry –"

Ducky patted his shoulder. "Thank you, Jimmy." There was a glint of tears in his eyes, but he continued on. "There were several… unidentified bodies discovered some time ago. We – we believe one of them to have been Ziva."

"I – it was her, Doctor Mallard. I saw her on TV."

"How do you know, Palmer?" This was a different voice. Both Jimmy and Ducky looked up to see a haggard Director Vance looking down at them.

"I – I saw her boots, Director." Normally he would have been blushing; but this situation was anything but normal. "I asked her once where she got them. They're hand made, from Israel. I'd – I'd know those boots anywhere."

Vance sighed and hunkered down in front of them. "There's no need for either of you to be here," he said, not unkindly. "Why don't you go home. I'll call –"

"I can't, Director. Please –" Jimmy was grateful, then, for Ducky's arms around him, else he might have grabbed the director by his jacket. "I have to stay. I can't –" His throat tightened painfully on the words. I can't leave until they find Tony.

Ducky squeezed his arm gently as he spoke to the director. "I can't leave either, Director. Not while there's a chance…" He left the remainder of the sentence unsaid; instead, he continued, "Jethro is – was – a Marine. He would never leave a man behind, but… he can't be here for them now." The ragged breath he drew prompted Jimmy to slip his own arm around the older man's shoulders. "Let us stay, Director. For Anthony and Timothy – and for Jethro."

Vance pressed his lips together as he thought. "All right," he finally conceded. "You can stay. Just stay back here, where it's safe." He pushed himself to his feet, then looked back down at the two autopsy workers. "But you know Gibbs is still here, Doctor. He won't leave til they're found." With those words, he walked away, leaving them supporting each other on the rubble-strewn ground.

Ducky gently shook Jimmy's shoulder. "Come on, lad." He stood and offered his hand to Jimmy, who allowed himself to be helped to his feet. Ducky steered him toward the far edge of the area. "We'll be out of the way over here."

Jimmy obediently sat down on the ground where Ducky indicated. "I'm sorry, Doctor," he apologized as he watched Ducky lower himself to the ground next to him. "You don't have to stay here and babysit me."

Ducky noticed that Jimmy's eyes flickered to the NCIS coveralls he was wearing. "I'm not here officially, Jimmy," he explained. "I keep one of these in my car, for emergencies. I suspect you did the same thing I did and told the police you'd been called in to work the scene?" At Jimmy's nod, he chuckled humorlessly. "I had every intention of doing so, too, until that insufferable bastard from Homeland Security showed up."

"They're taking over the scene?"

"Yes. This has been officially declared a terrorist attack." Ducky shook his head sadly. "I don't know if they were hoping to lure in so many law enforcement agents, or if they were just collateral damage, but –"

A commotion from one of the groups of rescue workers caught their attention, silencing Ducky mid-sentence. Jimmy leaned forward, straining to make sense of all the shouting. At this distance, most of it was unintelligible; but when he heard a plaintive cry for a medic, he didn't think, he just acted. Scrambling to his feet, he raced toward the sound, Ducky following not far behind.

A paramedic had already reached the scene by the time Jimmy and Ducky arrived. She was assessing the injuries of a prone man who had just been pulled from the rubble, and from the looks of it, she was wishing she had at least three extra hands.

Jimmy stepped forward to offer his help, but stopped short when he got his first glimpse of the man's face.

"Agent Fornell!"

Ducky pushed past Jimmy and addressed the paramedic. "I'm a medical examiner, and this is my assistant. May we be of assistance?"

The woman looked up. She had unruly, short-cropped blonde hair and bright green eyes. "Yes, please," she responded quickly, waving them over.

Working together, the three of them quickly bandaged the worst of the many lacerations on Fornell's arms and legs. More worrying was the large contusion on his head and the compound fracture of his lower right arm. Another paramedic arrived pulling a stretcher. Ducky and Jimmy helped immobilize Fornell's arm and transfer the unconscious agent to the stretcher. As the woman and her partner hurried their patient to a waiting ambulance, Jimmy stood and held out his hand, this time being the one to pull Ducky to his feet.

"Fornell's alive," Jimmy whispered, feeling that he'd witnessed a miracle.

"Yes, and his chances look good, all things considered," Ducky agreed. "Good work, Mr. Palmer –"

But Jimmy was no longer listening. In the intense concentration they'd put into assisting the paramedics, they hadn't heard when the rescue crew had unearthed more victims from the rubble just a few feet away. The bodies were carefully laid side by side, but not yet covered. A man in an FBI jacket was approaching with an armful of folded body bags, but it was too late.

Jimmy didn't realize he'd moved until he felt the rubble stabbing his knees as he collapsed to the ground next to the bodies of Tim McGee and Tony DiNozzo. He could feel Ducky's hands on his shoulders, trying to pull him back, but he resisted, unable to tear his eyes away. Both men, though covered in the dust that coated everything in the area, looked to be merely asleep; but Jimmy's experienced eye couldn't help but notice how deathly still they were. There was no lying to himself; he couldn't ignore the evidence before him.

"Abby," he whispered.

With a puzzled look, Ducky stopped trying to move him. "Jimmy?"

"Abby," he repeated. He kept staring at Tim, trying to avoid seeing his lover's body just inches away. "Someone needs to be with Abby. First Gibbs, now Tim – she's going to need someone with her."

"I know, Jimmy," Ducky said gently. "We'll be there for each other."

Jimmy nodded absently. He wasn't too sure how much good he was going to be for anyone, but he also knew that he wasn't the only one to lose a loved one tonight. Or, no – the sky was definitely growing lighter. This morning, then. He wasn't the only one to lose a loved one this morning.

Ducky tugged at his shoulder again, but Jimmy put his hand on top of the doctor's, silently asking him to wait. He closed his eyes, feeling the tears begin again. He took a deep breath. Then, tightening his grip on Ducky's hand, he opened his eyes and looked down.

In the cold light of dawn, Jimmy studied Tony's face. He had always loved seeing Tony's smile, hearing him laugh, even before he realized that he actually loved Tony himself. The senior field agent was the self-appointed clown of the group, but Jimmy had been privileged to see behind the mask. He's seen Tony's serious side, back when Gibbs went to Mexico and Tony'd had to lead the team. He'd seen Tony's vulnerable side then, too – the insecurity and self-doubt that being responsible for his people's lives brought out in him. Jimmy had known even then how rarely Tony showed that side of himself, and he'd been honored to be the one person that Tony turned to during that time.

Then later, much later, he'd discovered another side of Tony. The gentle, caring, loving side that Jimmy had always suspected was there. He'd seen some of it come out back when Tony was dating Jeanne, but never did he believe that he'd see Tony direct it toward him.

And now…

With his free hand, Jimmy pressed his fingertips to his lips, then pressed them to Tony's cold lips in the last kiss he would ever give the man he loved. He was dimly aware of the eyes watching him, but he didn't care. There was no longer a need for them to hide their relationship, after all. Gently, he touched the side of Tony's face, silently saying goodbye.

Ducky squeezed his shoulder, then gently pulled again. This time Jimmy didn't resist. He was beginning to feel light-headed, but was too numb to care. When Ducky pulled him to his feet, he felt the blood rush from his face. The view around him began to spin, then went dark; and Jimmy collapsed backward into Ducky's arms.

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