Sunday: October 13th 2013
Time – 11:48 AM
Point of View: Fi
I look in the mirror and smile. Athletic clothing! It truly is something. Although spooky decorations are lining the houses of my neighborhood, the summer heat is refusing to go without a fight. That means wardrobe must be adjusted to prevent awkward sweating and such. Why am I getting all prettied up in shorts, a tank top, and a stylish sweatband? The answer is rather simple. Zelda wants to play basketball. And after cramming until four in the morning studying all the do's and don'ts, I'm rather confident in my chances! Midna and Malon will be joining us of course. An automobile can't operate without its third and fourth wheel after all…
My phone chimes quietly alerting me of their impending arrival. I check to see. Midna says they'll be here in four minutes… Not enough time to redo my hair, so I'm not even going to look in a mirror from here on. I look down and notice my pale skin heavily contrasting the black and blue clothing… Oh well, it's not my fault that genetics prevent me from tanning! Another chime! I excitedly pick up my phone yet again, but frown this time.
Fi! Talk to me dammit! Why'd you break up with me? Why won't the others answer? Where are you during lunch?
I sigh, tossing the phone onto my bed. I'll admit that our relationship came to a rather… Abrupt close. When Midna kissed me I didn't know what to do. My entire perspective was changed. Her breath smelled nice, the feeling of dampness on my lips from hers, and just how soft everything was! I can't help but look at women everywhere I go now. I don't stare, heaven forbid I do something that direct. I merely side-eye attractive ladies throughout my day to day life. I wouldn't say I'm hypersexual. Hell, I wouldn't say my sex drive has increased much at all actually. But I can't deny how enjoyable kissing Midna was. I want to do it again… But not with her this time. The way she looks at me causes too many blushes as is. Malon seems straight as well… I'll have to find someone completely cut off from my normal friend group. Then again, I could always try something with Zelda.
I shake my head, chuckling at the mere thought of it. Yeah right. I would never make a move on Zelda. I value her too much to ever risk what we have on something we could. No, she'll either make a move, or we'll die best friends. And after much thought, I'm completely okay with that. Her presence alone lights up my day, and that's really as much as you could want from another person.
I look out my bedroom window and see the three walking up the sidewalk. A warm smile comes to my lips when I see how cute Zelda looks in her sporty getup. The other two are adorable as well, but I'll admit to a bias. I hurry outside, greeting them happily. They all look me up and down, not saying anything. Their expressions look surprised and shocked. Oh no… Did I overdo it? Was my choice of clothing humorous? Do I have to run inside in shame and stay there until I die? I'm unable to say anything though, because my downward spiral is cut short by Zelda.
"Oh. My. GOD. Fi!" She shouts, looking like she might bounce up and down.
"Y-Yeah?" I ask in a confused tone.
"You're freaking adorable!" Midna laughs.
Adorable? Fi Paladin? I've been called pretty by some, beautiful by adults, and sexy by Ghirahim… But adorable? I smile, a small giggle escaping my lips. I realize that they're probably right. I'm barely five foot, wearing black shorts and a dark blue tank top. My hair is done up and everything is held together by the teal sweatband on my head. My brand new sneakers are awesome, and I'm sure that if I'm honest with myself, I look pretty darn cute! I realize something and stop them.
"Hold on… I forgot my glasses." I smile, walking inside.
"Glasses?" Malon asks, looking lost.
I walk inside, closing the door and grinning. I take my more than effective contact lenses out and put them in their containers. I then run upstairs and dust off my old glasses, putting them on. When I look in the mirror, I'm greeted with sweet, sweet success! The glasses I used to loathe now complete my outfit! The black framed eyewear perfectly compliment my other clothing, as well as magnify the size of my actual eyes, making them look slightly bigger and thus slightly cuter. I'm impressed. For the first time in my life, I feel very good about my appearance… For the first time in a long time… I feel the weight of life being lifted off my shoulders. I have no homework, Dad's out for the weekend, Ghirahim doesn't know where I'm going today, and I can spend the entire time with my closest people… I feel a massive smile form on my face as I walk downstairs. Life is good.
I strut outside smiling.
"We ready, then?"
They just stare at me.
"Will you be my girlfriend?" Midna grins.
We all laugh. For some reason, I don't blush. It's like I've got this whole 'friend' thing down. I know she's kidding, and I don't even care that I've had her tongue in my mouth! It's all good! I say something that I never would have said before.
"Sorry, but if I were gay, I feel like Zelda would be more my type."
Everyone laughs. In fact, Zelda's the one blushing. Not me! Midna gives me a look of 'really?' but doesn't say anything. And just like that we're off! We walk down the sidewalk, Malon dribbling the ball as she goes. She's rotating it between each hand every time it bounces. Legal. If she were to press both hands simultaneously to the ball it would then be required that she threw it before taking another step. I know things! Sports things! We end up at the city park a few minutes later.
"Alright, how are we gonna do this?" Midna asks, taking the ball from Malon swiftly.
"Doubles." The shorter redhead hisses, taking it back.
Doubles? Splendid! That means that I'll likely get Zelda seeing as Midna knows my current situation.
"I want Harkinian." Midna smiles, looking directly at me.
Alright. I did not expect that turn of events. I suppose the Twili does enjoy teasing me more than anything… I look at her with a hint of grumpiness, but comply. It'd be weirder if I specifically asked for her anyway.
"Alright, tipoff." Malon spins the ball around on her finger.
Tipoff? That's certainly strange. Especially since there are four of us. Tipoff is when a third party throw the ball into the air and two players compete in getting it to their respective teammates before the other. How would that even work with teams of two? Midna takes the ball.
"Alright, Paladin, you're the closest to her height. You'll tip for us." Malon smiles.
I see what's going on here. Zelda and I walk to the designated spot and stand there eye to eye. Literally. We're staring into each other's eyes. She looks slightly uncomfortable, but that's most likely due to her social anxiety, not specifically a lesbian crush on me. I feel her breath on my face and shutter. She's so sweet, and I'm beginning to feel very awkward.
"Hey, you okay?" She asks, tilting her head slightly.
"What? Oh, yeah, definitely." I smile.
"Your breath smells nice." She smiles warmly.
"Wha-" I'm interrupted by Midna shouting.
"Here we go!" She then throws the ball into the air.
Reflexes take over. I jump into the air and scoop it out of its comfortable place among the clouds. The ball flies back to Malon and we are officially playing! Malon passes it to me and I catch it. Oh man… This is actually my first time ever holding a basketball. I look up and see Zelda rushing towards me. A usually welcome and enjoyable sight is suddenly horrifying as I realize her plan. She swipes at the ball and I raise it above my head. We're still standing in the center of the court, but it's relatively small due to the size of the park. I feel something within me… Some knowledge. I've studied this game for hours. I've watched countless videos on the perfect shot. I know what to do. I throw the ball directly at the hoop…. And it goes in. Nothing but air.
I stand there with my eyes wide open and my jaw slightly ajar. Zelda is still in front of me, just staring as well. Malon rushes from behind, grabbing me.
"Hell. YES! That was awesome! How did you make that!?" She exclaims, patting my shoulder.
"I don't know…" I answer honestly. Could I be athletic…?
"Beginners luck." Midna grins, dribbling back up to us. "Zelda, throw it in to me."
We play like this for around an hour. While none of my shots were nearly as impressive as the first, I still made numerous 'plays' and was easily the best player present. We finally stop, resting on the park benches. Midna glares at me playfully while Malon and Zelda lie flat on their backs.
"Alright Paladin, it's time to fess up. Are you a robot?"
I smile.
"What ever could you mean?"
"Cut the crap. You're taking multiple maths but still have enough energy to tutor Zelda, you have the intellectual capacity of a college professor, and now you're a sick baller? What's the deal?"
Malon sits up.
"I agree. If you were a robot you'd tell us, right?"
I nod, giggling.
"If I was a robot, I suppose I'd tell my friends."
Zelda reaches forward and takes my hand into hers. I freeze. Is this normal? Is this a thing platonic friends to platonically? It seems like it, because no one has even noticed. Come to think of it, I'm extremely exhausted. I fall forward, lying on the same bench as her. We're squished together, but don't really mind. Ah, the perks of being small.
"I'm all sweaty." She laughs.
"So am I. Who cares?" I laugh as well.
Having her this close to me feels good. Not in some weird sexual way or anything. Her being sweaty isn't getting me aroused. But it's certainly not bothering me. I enjoy having her against me. I enjoy the feel of her body casually against mine. Her warmth, her presence, her everything. I feel my heartrate increase and realize that I may be in trouble. I've heard of this, the slippery slope that is falling for someone. It's dangerous, especially if you don't know whether they feel the same way. Right now it feels nice to touch her, but sometime soon I may not be able to get it out of my mind. I may never be happy unless I'm hers… My breathing quickens slightly as this dawns on me. I need to stop… I can't fall in love with a straight girl. I know that this isn't love, but it's certainly the route.
"I'll be right back. Gotta find a gross public restroom." Zelda smiles, standing up.
"I'll go with." Malon says as she joins her.
After a moment it's just Midna and I sitting on the benches. I must look visibly troubled because she speaks up.
"That bad, huh?"
I flinch when she says this. Is it that obvious? How long until Zelda finds out?
"I suppose…" I mumble.
She sighs, stretching. I internally compliment her form. Her tight shirt nicely hugs her breasts, revealing a small amount of cleavage at the top. Dammit! Why can't I just be straight? Normal? Why do I have to be attracted to girls when the only one I truly want I can't have!? Midna smiles, sitting up completely.
"What are you gonna do?" She asks, resting her chin on her hand.
"I don't know…" I answer truthfully. "I feel like she's the one person I can tell anything. She was for a month or so… But now I've hidden this attraction for so long it almost feels like I'm creating a subtle gap between us. One that shouldn't be there but must because she'd find out without it. I don't want to lose her, Midna…"
"Then you won't." She says in such a certain way that I almost believe her. Almost.
"Just because you say something doesn't mean it's true. There's a low chance that Zelda was born attracted to her own sex. Meaning there's a high chance we'll never be together."
"Fi! You're killing me with all these odds! You're always like this, presenting things in percentages and shit! Do you honestly think that Zelda is straight? Or are you just being a pessimist using 'facts' as an excuse to not try?" She groans.
What she's saying makes sense. If Zelda is straight, then it's not my fault we can't be together. That means that some part of me might hope she is; that way I couldn't possibly fail. I don't want to risk it. I want to believe she couldn't possibly be gay when the facts point to it being rather likely… The way she blushes… The way we talk… The basic chemistry between us. It's something that can't be explained with science. It's just a feeling… And said feeling is screaming that she likes me. I just can't bear the thought of swinging and missing because what then? I'd be nothing without her. Mostly because our group is so tight. We'd definitely drift apart due to awkwardness. And who would the other two pick? The pretty, funny, all around amazing blonde? Or the over analytical train wreck desperately clinging to some distorted fantasy of the ideal teen? The outcome is obvious. If I confess to Zelda, and she's straight, I'll lose everything…
"Always thinking, aren't you?" She sighs, bringing a hand to her tired eyes.
"What?" I question, confused.
"You never answered me. We've just been sitting here for an entire minute while you had more pessimistic thoughts inside your mind."
I feel a small amount of moisture welling up in my eyes. Oh dear…. Please no. I can't cry here… Not in public… Not with Zelda so close. If she asks why I'm in tears it'll only make everything worse. Midna places a hand on my arm, giving me a reassuring smile.
"Hey. Listen to me. Everything is going to be fine. You'll get through this, and either way you'll still have Zelda." She says in such a soothing way…
"You're a good friend, Midna." I sniffle, wiping my eyes.
"I know. You may be book smart…. And smart smart…. But I'm pretty damn smart too, understand? My field is people, yours is academics. So I get what's happening here, and I'm going to get you through it." She rubs my arm.
"Okay…" I nod. "And I'll help you pass math class."
She wrinkles her nose, laughing.
"Oh screw you too! I am passing. This isn't some movie, punk. We're not gonna coach each other on our flaws." She slaps my arm, pulling away.
I laugh.
"That's fair, that's fair…"
Monday: October 14th 2013
Time – 12:20 AM
Point of View: Zelda
I crawl into my bed, completely exhausted. It sure was a fun day though! Who would've guessed that Fi was so good as basketball? I smile as I think of her. Fi… My best friend. I'm so lucky to have someone like her in my life. She's so helpful and kind. I haven't worried about classes at all this year because I know she'll help me understand anything I don't get. Although she has felt a little distant lately. I can't help but think she's hiding something from me.
That's completely okay though! Everyone has their secrets. I don't fault her for it. I just wish that she didn't have to hide something from her friend. It's obviously bothering her… I wish Link was home… He's much more insightful than I am. Then again I'm not sure I could confront him with something this heavy anyway. The poor guy is always running on zero sleep and while he's trying, I just wish he would take some time for himself. I shift slightly, trying to find a more comfortable position on the bed.
"Ugh…" I groan, rolling onto my front.
I just wish that Fi was okay… Why is it that everyone I care about works themselves to death? I just want to help somehow. I feel myself slowly drifting into dreamland, wishing for a better tomorrow.
Monday: October 14th 2013
Time – 7:00 AM
Point of View: Zelda
I get onto the bus happily and sit down across from Fi like always. She greets me as her earbuds come out. It's hard to believe that we've been doing this for two months. I've known Fi for that long! It's a strange feeling. We spend the ride discussing our usual important topics. How tired we are, how much we'd rather be at the zoo than here, and other dramatic things that must be discussed. However, Fi brings up something I didn't expect.
"So, Homecoming is this Saturday."
Homecoming? Like the dance? What did it matter? I assumed that Fi and I wouldn't be going to something like that anyway. Neither of us have dates, and the entire thing seems way too high pressure to even bother with. But if she wants to go, I'll definitely join her!
"Oh yeah! I completely forgot." I laugh.
"My father already had the dress I'm wearing months ago. It was an eighth grade graduation present."
Geez. What must it be like to have money? Link and I are comfortable, but my dress will most likely come from a discount bin at Dollar General. Exaggeration.
"Wow! That's awesome. I'm sure you'll look amazing." I smile.
She looks flustered for some reason. Was amazing a weird choice of words? She always gets oddly uncomfortable…
"And… Zelda, this is really hard to say, but I've been told to say it." She begins slowly.
I raise a brow.
"Speak your mind!"
She seems to be searching for the right words.
"My father… He knows about your family situation and has elected to purchase you a dress…" She looks away, like she was wishing he didn't tell her to say this.
"O-Oh…" I mumble. I couldn't possibly accept that! It's way too generous!
"I told him it would seem condescending. Forget I said anything." She sighs.
"Wait! No way! I'm just wondering how I could accept something so expensive. Dresses are crazy priced! Some people spend hundreds of dollars!" I wave my hands dismissively, trying not to seem like a mooch.
"That's crazy expensive?" She looks at me like she doesn't believe me.
"Oh Naryu…" I laugh, looking away. I understand that Dr. Paladin is a successful surgeon and all, but how loaded is this family?
"Listen, I'm obviously not going to force it onto you. I'm sure you'll look cute in anything. I'm just informing you as to what my father offered." She smiles. "Don't worry about it."
"I'll have to think about it, but the offer itself is crazy nice of you and your dad. Thank you."
What am I going to do? I absolutely hate it when I'm trapped in situations like this. People may be generous, but generosity has its limits. 'Help yourself to anything in the fridge' doesn't actually mean 'Help yourself to anything in the fridge'. It means feel free to grab a snack. If I made an entire meal comprised of someone else's food, I'm sure they would be a little upset. The same goes for something like this. What dress should I get? If I pick something too low they'll just laugh and tell me I can spend more than that. If I pick something too high they'll think I'm some sort of entitled brat using my friend for her family's money. How am I supposed to find that sweet spot? I'm in trouble…
Monday: October 14th 2013
Time – 7:15 AM
Point of View: Fi
I'm in trouble… I was going to ask Zelda to go with me as more than a friend. That went amazingly well if I do say so myself. I made up some crazy lie about my father paying for her dress! Not that he wouldn't, I'm sure I can convince him that my less fortunate friend could use a little help. That's not the point. How many more times am I going to lie to my best friend? How many more times will I make things that awkward? How long until I can just get some guts and say how I feel? I sit down in home room and rest my head on the hard desk. A finger taps my shoulder from behind and I sigh. It's Midna, probably asking about Zelda. That's all we ever talk about in private…
"I'm not in the mood." I mumble.
"Well screw that noise. Why so glum?" She asks.
Fantastic. I couldn't get her off my mind even if I wanted to because of Midna.
"I asked her to homecoming." I explain, sitting up.
The Twili raises a brow.
"Asked? Or 'Asked'?" She grins.
"Just plain asked. I was going to 'ask' her, but I wussed out at the last possible second and created a crazy lie that might cost be hundreds of dollars."
She can't help but let a small laugh out. I can't blame her.
"How the heck did you manage that? Do I need to put an earpiece on you and monitor your every conversation?" She giggles.
"At this point that might be better." I sigh.
Midna taps my desk with a pencil.
"I'm coming over after school and we're going to seriously consider your next move. Understand?"
I nod.
"Good. Zelda has a doctor's appointment anyway. Convenient timing to have a secret meeting." She grins.
Now to survive the school day.
Monday: October 14th 2013
Time – 2:50 PM
Point of View: Fi
After sitting on my front steps for around ten minutes, I finally see Midna approaching in the distance. It's so stupid that friends can't ride your bus after school… Either way, she's here now and that's what's important. I let her in and we settle down. After a bit of small talk, she cuts right to the chase.
"Fi, you're never going to be happy or functional unless you address a few things." She says blatantly.
"Okay." I admit, defeated, that she's correct. My current state of being is unsustainable.
"You're working yourself right into the grave dude. Something's gotta give." She explains, crossing her legs on the chair.
I nod, not responding.
"The Zelda thing is a big contributor, but we both know it's more than that. You can't be happy until you accept that sometimes you're not the best."
What does that even mean? I'm far from a narcissist. I fact I dislike nearly everything about myself most of the time!
"Taking all of these advanced classes, using that unnecessary vocabulary, the way you help everyone who asks with their homework, it's pretty clear that you want to feel big. You want to feel smart, important, and needed. People love you because you seem to be the perfect girl." She goes on.
Isn't that good? Isn't being the perfect girl on the outside good!?
"But you're not. And that's perfectly okay. But the fact of the matter is you can't help everyone. You can't understand every subject effortlessly. Sometimes you'll struggle. You can't pretend to be perfect because eventually it'll shine through the cracks. Eventually the real Fi Paladin will come thrashing out. You have her locked away right now, don't you?"
No… I don't. I'm me. The one thing I value about myself is how well I play the role… If I don't have that….
"Stop…. Please." I beg, my breathing growing faster and faster.
"No, you stop." She gets up and joins me on the couch. "You need to become Human, Fi. You need to accept that you're not perfect in order to become better."
I shake my head and my vision begins to blur. No. I refuse. Father loves me. He loves his perfect daughter. He loves the grades I bring home, the reports that teachers give, and the façade that I present him with! But me…? The real me? Who's to say he won't resent her. Who's to say he won't send her back to that awful orphanage… I barely passed his exam to begin with…. Who else would take me? A teenager has little to no chance of getting adopted… And even if I do find a new home, it will be far away from Zelda. What if my new parents are homophobic? No…. No. No. No. No. No. NO!
I begin sobbing, still breathing quicker and quicker. Midna see this and puts a hand on my shoulder.
"Get off me!" I slap her shoulder, falling onto my side.
This can't be happening to me… My entire body feels wrong. I feel like I need to get out…. I feel like I need to do something! The walls of the room feel closer and closer. Was my living room always this small…? Oh gods…. Please…. What is happening to me…?
"Fi? Fi!" Midna shakes me.
I don't respond. I can't respond. The idea of applying any amount of effort into speaking sounds impossible… I can't talk. How did I ever talk? My throat grows dry. My eyes grow heavy and wet. My entire body begins to tense even more. What's happening to me…?
What is happening to me?