Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The HP universe was created by JK Rowling and consequently belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas' poem Sometimes the sky's too bright either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Note: It took me quite a while to finish this chapter, sorry for the rather long wait. Many thanks to my betas and all my reviewers.

chapter three: my horrid images for me

"Is that really necessary?" asks Remus, put down. That's not what he imagined to be doing the night before Hallow'een.

"Yes, it is," answers James and smiles at the three of them. Lily talked to him at dinner and he is still glowing. Sirius, however, glares darkly at James, as he has done for two days, when he got in the habit of sulking and moping around. They must have talked about what James and Remus talked about and whatever the outcome, Sirius isn't too happy about it.

Irony or not, when Sirius chatted with Kennicot this morning Remus felt a pang of jealousy. As pathetic as it is, he has to admit it to himself. He cannot help wanting Sirius, even if he is being a complete berk. Sometimes Sirius looks at him strangely, in a way that Remus would otherwise call wistfully. Otherwise. If there wasn't this unmanageable heap of regrets and the smiling face of Neil Kennicot.

Oh, Sirius probably told the truth; the boy is pain management. Sirius' eyes don't light up whenever he is near and his smile disappears with Kennicot, doesn't linger on his face like it does on James' whenever he sees Lily. And yet, the blond Ravenclaw gets a kind of closeness Remus himself craves desperately. Outside that classroom, he recognised his feelings for what they were and denial became futile then. It is certainly futile now when he is so helplessly drawn to Sirius that sometimes, he can even ignore that voice, which reminds him that this isn't normal, that he shouldn't want his friend, not like this. Sirius, who is on his mind more and more often since Remus has truly come to terms with his betrayal. His thoughts are different now. He is still aching but the pain has changed, transformed into something else. Remus isn't stupid. He knows that he cannot escape this, himself, and he takes it like any other attack and builds a wall of noes around it. He is used to noes. No, he shouldn't look at boys the way he does, that's what he told himself in fourth year. No, he mustn't enjoy this, that's what he thought in the summer break after fifth year when this Muggle boy with the gorgeous arse snogged him in his aunt's garden. After that, the noes were centred around the person of Sirius Black and his cruel beauty, his unequalled bravery and enraging thoughtlessness.

"Moony? You still with us?" asks Peter with a slight frown.

"Sure," says Remus and locks his mind.

"Excellent!" James has this look and Remus fears what's coming next and groans inwardly at his following words. "We'll split. Wormtail, you'll come with me." Subtle, James, very subtle. James grins at Sirius and drags Peter with him. This leaves him and a sulking Sirius in the secret passageway on fourth floor. His friends' footsteps trail off.

"Let's go then," says Remus lightly while his heart is sinking to somewhere around his knees. After a long moment of being stared down by deep grey eyes, Remus sees Sirius nod. "Prongs and his plans. Why do we have to go to the dungeons?" Remus adds rebelliously. They still haven't moved.

"Because James is Head Boy and as such, he is free to abuse his power." Not nearly as grumpy as Remus expected.

"It certainly didn't stop him from giving us the password to the Slytherin Common Room," mutters Remus.

"You know it only works if they inhale our mixed pixie powder tonight," Sirius says and gives him another strange look. Of course Remus knows. They manipulated the powder so that only Slytherin house will suffer the consequences to full extent, while all the others will…but that will be tomorrow evening, no need to worry about that now. "I can hardly wait to see their faces," Sirius notes suddenly. Remus looks at him and he grins back deviously.

Remus clears his throat of the lump that is always there lately. "Let's hope that Lily won't cancel their date because of it."

Sirius snorts dismissively, his long-fingered hand cutting the air. "Nah, she fancies him. Has for quite a while now, only her pride has been in the way of domestic bliss." That Remus is taken by surprise by this honest and insightful observation would be an understatement. He must look it, too, since Sirius' grin changes into an honest smile and he chuckles, "What? Did you think I'm too thick to see that? Evans fancies the pants off good old Prongs and even Wormtail notices these days. He'll tell James, undoubtedly he will, and we all know how insufferable that'll make Prongs." Remus bites back a laugh. "You know it's true," adds Sirius in a singsong voice and runs a hand through his hair, imitating James perfectly. Yet, it looks different when he does it, his glossy black tresses falling back into place immediately. If there is someone with hair more perfect than Sirius, Remus has yet to know them.

"Prongs is too excited, their date will be a disaster regardless," grins Remus. Sirius lets out a bark of laughter but it's not really funny and they fall silent after that.

"We should really go," states Remus uncomfortably and turns towards the exit. Sirius catches up with him and they walk in silence. The ground is uneven and Remus concentrates on not stumbling.

Shortly before they arrive at the mirror Sirius mutters his name.

Surprised, Remus turns his head. "Yeah?"

"I didn't want you to know because it doesn't mean anything." Sirius' cheeks are flushed and he looks as though he wants to be anywhere but here. Nothing else, not one more word is necessary for Remus to understand what he means but he doesn't know what to say. It almost sounds like an apology and he has had enough of those. "You know, Kennicot," adds Sirius unnecessarily.

"I know," Remus says quietly.

"Well, it started when you were still cross with me and then…it never really came up and…you know?" Sirius shrugs uneasily.

"It's alright," replies Remus and of course it isn't. Two steps and Sirius is standing considerably closer, the small distance startling Remus.

"Is it?" Sirius asks in a low voice and then he is biting his lip and his eyes, deep and grey and almost pleading, keep Remus in place. It's quite overwhelming, really, and Remus wants to shout that it is far from being alright because Sirius promised that it meant something and now he is snogging this Ravenclaw boy who is nothing to him and asks him if he is OK with that and that is wrong, so unbelievably wrong.

"Try me," said James and expected Remus to tell him his most embarrassing secret just like that. He had been following him for hours and Remus knew James too well, he wouldn't let go.

"The night Sirius sent Snape to the shack he kissed me," he said in a very low, defeated voice.

"What?" James looks livid.

"You heard me."

"I am going to kill him!"

"NO! No, don't. He obviously didn't mean it." He hoped that his disappointment wasn't audible.

"Did he say so?" asked James doubtfully. Why was James such an inquisitive bastard?

"No, on the contrary. But action talks louder than words in this case, don't you think?"

"How…how did you find out about him and…"

"Dignity doesn't matter anymore at this stage, huh? Sod it! The night we had our little chat I practically walked in on them."

"Why didn't he say something?"

Remus snorted. "What do you take me for? I'm a Marauder, I left before they found me."

"Sorry," answered James dismissively. "Wait, did you punch him? When he…kissed you, I mean."

"No," said Remus, bewildered. Why would he punch Sirius for kissing him?

"So you liked it?" asked James incredulously. So much for staying in the closet.

"I…I don't know?" he tried. In a way, that was the truth. He didn't know what he was supposed to think about it.

"You don't know?" James looked doubtful.

"Well, it's Sirius. I hardly know what to think of him when he doesn't go and kiss me."

James' lips were drawn into a smile. "Fair enough. You know, the thing is…Sirius is…not interested in girls…at all. If…if you weren't either…well, you could tell me." Remus nodded, non-committal. James let out a shaky laugh. "I'm just glad he didn't try that with me. But…what do you want to do now?"

"Do?" asked Remus stupidly.

"Yeah, I mean…"

"I won't do anything. And I don't want you to do anything either. I just want to get back to normal."

"Well, I can't say I'm not relieved. Seeing you to going at it would be weird, wouldn't it? I mean, we're mates and all." James frowned. "Things wouldn't be the same again."

"No, they wouldn't," agreed Remus sadly.

So Remus nods jerkily, nods his approval, because things would change irrevocably and what will be left of him if he loses his pride as well?

"Good man," Sirius says and pats him on his upper arm. Remus hopes that his friend's smile is strained but he isn't sure, can never be sure with Sirius, and he wants his righteous anger back, these miserable feelings being unwanted and confusing. "So, there is mischief to be done!" Sirius exclaims in a completely different voice. What, more?

The way to the dungeons was never shorter. Remus feels as though he needs to say something before the moment has passed but apparently it's too late already and he can't get the words out before they arrive at the hidden door.

"Salazar sempra," Sirius hisses contemptuously. "Honestly, with Lucius and Bella gone, one should think that they are a little more creative," he adds while opening the door.

"Keep it down, you can rant all you want as soon as we're done."

"Promised?" smirks Sirius.

"Wow, it's been a while since I've been here," whispers Remus as they step inside and the common room comes into view. He takes a look around the dimly illuminated place, which is so very different from their own common room. The greenish furniture looks newer and more pricey but Remus feels rather claustrophobic under the low ceiling that keeps the water out.

Sirius makes a low whistling sound. "Someone must have made quite a donation. My bet's on Malfoy." He turns to Remus abruptly. "OK, I'll take the girls' dormitory and you the boys'."

"What? Why?" protests Remus.

Sirius gives him a crooked smile. "Because I'm the flaming shirt-lifter and if they've taken similar precautions as Gryffindor I'll get through the barrier and you won't."

"But – alright, alright," Remus says, resigned. This isn't the time to discuss his sexual preferences. The Slytherin dormitories rank highly on his list of Places He Wants to Avoid. However, it has to be done. Without further ado he turns towards his destination of doom.

"Moony, haven't you forgotten something?" He hears the smirk in Sirius' voice and turns around. Sirius throws something at him and Remus catches it swiftly, his reflexes quick from years with the Marauders. It is of course the leather pouch with the pixie powder. Sirius is gone before he can retort. Silently, Remus makes his way through a narrow corridor, decorated with small portraits of famous and infamous deceased Slytherins. He detects the sleeping likeness of Phineas Nigellus Black, an ancestor Sirius despises with particular fervour. The corridor ends in a big, semicircular room, wherefrom the dormitories follow up.

In three dorms he does not encounter any problems. The rooms are bigger than in Gryffindor Tower and two years share a dorm. Remus can't imagine why but maybe it's only Slytherins trying to be different from the other houses again. Only the seventh years have a room of their own, which is just as spacious as the others. His palms are sweaty and so he opens the door with the pouch in his hand. As silent as possible he sneaks inside. His eyes are used to the darkness and he has no difficulty identifying the sleeping boys. Avery snores in the bed next to him, a foot dangling in the air.

In the middle of the room, Remus opens the pouch and empties the remainder of the powder on the floor. Back at the door, he points his wand at the place where he knows the powder is and casts a non-verbal Swirling Charm. Hastily, he reaches for the door knob and almost hisses in pain. His hand burns like thousand hell fires where it touches the metal and only his pain-practiced willpower lets him turn the knob and step outside before gasping and shaking his hand. Some bastard, and he has a strong suspicion which one, bewitched the silver. Sirius once told him about these spells, dark magic against dark creatures. Normal silver does not harm werewolves, one of the many myths that are not true. That is why a Black came up with a spell to use it against werewolves nonetheless. The entrance door at number twelve Grimmauld Place has a door knob of that sort. To keep the scum out, as Sirius noted bitterly. However, there is no time to think of a Healing Charm and quite honestly, Remus does not want to look at it just yet. Hiding his hand under his sleeve he makes his way back to the common room, where Sirius is already waiting for him.

"What took you so long?"

"I'll tell you later," whispers Remus. There is no way he will tell Sirius about it with sleeping Slytherins close by. They sneak outside and move quietly through the labyrinth of corridors. Remus' hand hurts like blazes, a searing pain that doesn't fade.

"Look what I found!" smirks Sirius, when they are out of the close proximity of Slytherin, and lights his wand. A pair of silken knickers are dangling from his hand.

"You stole knickers?" Remus concentrates on acting as normal as possible. He wishes Sirius hadn't lit his wand.

"Not any knickers. Cynia Rosier's." Sirius throws them in the air and catches them skilfully before stuffing them into his robes. "Remember the time she called me a walking spectacle who knows nothing of pure-blood decency? Pure-blood decency, my arse! Her knickers under the Hour Glasses in the Entrance Hall will tell everyone about her precious decency. Fucking hypocrite! I once saw her snogging her -- Moony?"

"Yeah?" he tries in a determinedly light tone.

"You're making that face again. Something's wrong, out with it!" At times like these Remus curses Sirius for knowing him so well.

"I touched something and…well, I'm not sure how bad it is."

Holding him back, Sirius stops dead. He looks alert. "What did you touch? Show me!"

Reluctantly, Remus puts forth his hand. Sirius takes it in his own and brings his wand closer. "Holy fucking hippogriff, Moony!" His palm is burned badly and skin around the edges is blistered…where it isn't completely gone.

"It's nothing really," says Remus lamely.

"Are you kidding me?" Sirius looks livid but also seriously worried. "That's…you didn't touch…I'll kill him!"

"With or without my help this time?" Remus asks sharply and Sirius winces. "We weren't exactly supposed to be there, right? And we have no proof. So instead of going on another crusade you could help me with this."

"Sorry," mumbles Sirius, humbled once more by the memory of the prank that went too far. "Why don't we – wait! That's it! You go back to Gryffindor Tower. Be right with you!" Sirius squeezes his arm and is gone in a heartbeat. Great help, thinks Remus although he knows he's being unfair.

Half an hour later he sits in front of the fireplace in the Common Room, still waiting for Sirius. He tried several healing charms on his hand but none of them really helped. The wound is still open and pulsing with pain. Remus will have to see Madam Pomfrey in the morning. He rests his head on the back of the armchair and tries to ignore the pain.

"Moony," hisses a voice close to his ear and Remus jumps, adrenaline rushing through his veins.

"I really don't need a heart attack right now, Padfoot," he reproaches Sirius, wondering whether he fell asleep. Otherwise he would not have missed the portrait opening.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Give me your hand."

"What?" asks Remus, sleep-befuddled.

Sirius leaps over the arm rest and falls on the armchair next to him. "Must hurt like hell," he mutters under his breath and reaches for something on the table. "Stop staring and put your hand in here," he adds impatiently. Sirius is holding a bowl, filled with yellow fluid.

"Oh, you got me Murtlap Essence!" exclaims Remus, finally understanding. Relief and gratitude wash over him.

"What did you think I was doing? Taking a stroll through the castle?" snorts Sirius. While bathing his hand in the Murtlap Essence, Remus eyes his friend. Despite his attempt to be his usual arrogant self he isn't fooling Remus for a second. Whenever Sirius is anxious he gets fidgety.

"And? Does it help?" Sirius leans forward and Remus has to swallow this damn lump again. He tries to concentrate on his hand instead of Sirius, being all worried because of him. The pain recedes slowly, the yellow fluid being pleasantly cool against his tormented flesh.

"Yes, thank you," says Remus softly and Sirius smiles, relieved and affectionate, a smile that's making Remus all warm and fuzzy. However, as fast as it appeared it is gone, that smile. Sirius looks as though he made a mistake.

"Well, I'm going to check on Prongs and Wormtail. They are overdue," says Sirius and jumps off the armchair. Remus sits and bathes his hand in the Murtlap Essence…and thinks that something else is overdue as well.

"I'm starving," James complains for the sixth time within the last hour.

"Oh really?" Sirius stands in front of the mirror and brushes his hair. The irony isn't lost on James, who throws a bottle of shampoo at him. Sirius ducks and chuckles when the bottle hits Peter. "You could've asked Peter for one of his strawberry tarts but I doubt he'll give you anything now," he grins. James makes a face at him that doesn't suit the badge on his robe.

"Are you finished?" glares Peter, apparently not too thrilled by the prospect of sharing his strawberry tarts. "You've been blocking the mirror for fifteen minutes."

"You counted?" Sirius snickers. "Fifteen minutes? It's not as if they had improved your looks." Peter looks hurt by the reminder of his deficient figure and Remus wants to hit Sirius for being such a tactless bastard but, as usual, he says nothing.

To be honest, he isn't too excited about tonight, which really means that he wants to stay in the dorm and shut the world out. He hasn't fully understood today's Transfiguration lesson and really needs to practise, because N.E.W.T.s are coming closer and closer. Apart from that, he suspects that Sirius and Kennicot will have one of their little meetings after the feast and he knows that he has to get used to this but there is this unreasonable irritation welling up inside him whenever he thinks about it. All that really matters it that this is best for the Marauders and yes, for himself. Remus looks down at his hand. The wound is healed but the new skin is still sensitive and rosy and he avoids using it just yet. Trust doesn't come easy.

"Voilà," Sirius says suddenly and gives them a dashing smile.

James rolls his eyes. "You're such a vain tosser," he says warmly. When Sirius is at the door, James sneaks up behind him and ruffles his hair, cackling evilly. Naturally, a wrestling match ensues, with Peter cheering for James. Remus feels strangely detached from the scene, still occupied with his struggling feelings and his thoughts on N.E.W.T.s.

They finally make it to the feast and the Great Hall looks splendid. It's the last Hallow'een he will celebrate here, at Hogwarts, and the thought alone makes Remus melancholy.

"Yes, shepherd's pie!" exclaims James happily and loads his plate. There are also pork chops, delicious smelling sausages, roast chicken, crisp chips, baked pumpkins and roast potatoes. Remus sees that James cannot completely hide the excitement he always feels before a long-planned prank but it doesn't influence his appetite. He cast the incantation just outside the Great Hall and must be impatient. Peter chews cheerfully on a pork chop and Sirius helps himself to crisps and roast chicken, looking as innocent and relaxed as humanly possible.

Feeling a little gloomy and considering his future prospects, Remus loads his plate with shepherd's pie and savours the taste of a thoroughly good meal.

"Whoa, bloody hell," hisses Sirius all of a sudden.

"What? Is it working?" James looks excited.

"Yeah." A strange and unsettling gleam is in Sirius' grey eyes.

"I…I see something, too," peeps Peter nervously.

Remus doesn't spot anything yet. "What do you see?" he asks Peter.

"My cousin Robert…and he's a cripple!" exclaims Peter with unholy joy.

"Eh?" James looks puzzled.

"He always teases Peter for being…slow. He's a racer," explains Remus, not trying to offend Peter. "Padfoot, what do you see?"

"My mother's head."

"And?" asks James.

"On this plate," Sirius adds and Remus isn't sure if his devious grin is sincere, if he really enjoys this or if he's secretly freaked out by his hidden desires. Because that is what the spell does. Pixie powder causes illusions and after they mixed it with a few other rare ingredients, everyone exposed to it will see something gruesome, ranking from nasty little wishes to ghastly hidden desires. James found this fitting for Hallow'een and insisted on going through with the plan and since Sirius agreed eagerly that it was brilliant and wicked indeed, Peter and Remus could only go along with it. The illusions are not supposed to be too convincing and although Remus isn't too comfortable with the prank, he considers the idea rather clever.

The Great Hall is buzzing with excited whispers. Some students stand and look frightened while others have already understood that they are being pranked and tell each other what they see. Lily is paler than usual but composed, chatting animatedly with her friend Alice.

"Oh sweet Merlin!" exclaims James and looks shocked and pleased at something only he can see. In odd fascination, Sirius stares at the plate in front of him.

A high scream pierces the chatter and a fourth year Slytherin jumps off the bench, looking positively terrified. Remus cannot blame her and can't help feeling pity for her. All of Slytherin house was exposed to the powder much longer and so the impact is stronger. For at least two hours they will see dead people and nightmarish creatures all around them. Remus tried to keep James and Sirius from going through with this part of the plan but Sirius reminded him fiercely of all the times the Great Hall lay in shocked silence after the arrival of Ministry Owls and only one table was smirking and snickering, sympathising with Voldemort and his murdering gang. It wasn't right but he had a point. So last night, while Sirius and Remus were distributing the powder in Slytherin, James and Peter went to the kitchens and spread it over the already scrubbed brazen pots and pans. Another girl shrieks in terror and others jump off their seats. The other students do not understand the Slytherins' reactions, for they act as Sirius and James have predicted: they are enjoying the little horror, it being Hallow'een, and nothing they see justifies screaming. Some laugh.

"Silence!" demands Dumbledore in a low but authoritarian voice. Remus feels McGonagall's stern gaze on them. He braces himself and puts on a fairly shocked and surprised face, which isn't a sham at all when a bleeding Fenrir Greyback appears in front of him, his teeth being shattered, begging for help. Remus feels shameful pleasure at the sight of him and shakes his head to get rid of the image. He hasn't eaten much all day, so it's only a weak illusion.

McGonagall rushes to them. "You four, in my office. Now!" she orders brusquely. This is going to be a long night, Remus thinks as he gets up and sighs inwardly. James stuffs another spoon of shepherd's pie into his mouth and Sirius asks indignantly, "What? Why, professor?" As they trot behind professor McGonagall, he sees Kennicot gazing at Sirius in something that resembles adoration. Sirius being interrogated in McGonagall's office will doubtlessly cross their schedule and the thought alone makes Remus a lot happier.

"Well, two weeks of detention aren't too bad," says Sirius after they left their angry Head of House two hours later. He is bouncy as he is often after a successful prank and a success it was. The Slytherins will not make fun of the dead any time soon.

"Shocking for the Head Boy though," remarks Lily, who waited for James outside McGonagall's office. She doesn't look too stern all things considered.

"He's still a Marauder," counters Sirius with a lot of arrogance. Remus knows that he likes Lily but apparently he cannot overlook that she is a girl and girls aren't supposed to understand what being a Marauder means.

Lily rolls her eyes but says nothing. Smart girl.

"McGonagall's sermons make me hungry and I hardly ate anything at the feast," Peter bellyaches.

"Lily, would you please cover your ears? I'm going to suggest a kitchen raid," smirks James and winks at her.

"I haven't heard a word you said, Potter, and I won't ask you to take me with you because I am not hungry at all." Lily smiles sweetly and James beams at her. Remus is as surprised as the rest of them and wonders whether their first date will be a success after all. Sirius was right, Lily is obviously smitten by their bespectacled friend.

"I'll pass," Sirius says hurriedly. "I have…er, somewhere else to go."

Smiling is suddenly much harder for Remus. "I'll pass, too. I'm going back to the dorm." James is too excited about the prospect of spending more time with Lily, even if Peter comes along, to worry about the two of them.

Walking through the corridors, Remus wonders why losing something he never possessed hurts so much. He tries to think about Transfiguration. Having detention every day for two weeks means more work and considerably less time. He is about to climb through the Portrait Hole when someone says, "Great Prank. Creepy like hell but brilliant."

"Thanks, Alice," replies Remus automatically but hesitates to go inside. "How's the mood?"

Alice, Lily's best friend, is a level-headed round-faced girl and quite popular for her unobtrusive competence. "Oh, we were a little shocked at first but now everyone thinks it's brilliant."

"Apart from the Slytherins," says Adam Johnson, a sixth year Gryffindor, who just appeared in the Portrait Hole.

"Tell that to Sirius and James, they'd be disappointed otherwise," Remus jokes.

The Common Room is crowded and noisy and everyone wants to know how they did it and what ingredients they used and what their punishment was. Remus' answers are mono-syllabic but it doesn't seem to bother the excited crowd. They know that it's Sirius and James who crave attention. As soon as they return they will undoubtedly spill the beans. Remus worms his way through the Common Room and feigns a headache.

The dorm is a silent haven for Remus' exhausted nerves. He doesn't even know what made him so tired. The appearance of Greyback is certainly part of the reason. Quickly, he loosens he tie and kicks of his shoes. Right, Transfiguration then. His stomach grumbles in protest and he instantly regrets not having gone to the kitchens with James, Lily and Peter. He could have distracted Peter, so that James had Lily for himself. Oh well, next time. He may have some of his mother's homemade biscuits left in his trunk. Remus throws the tie on his bed and goes to search his things. He opens the lid and is thrown back by the weeping image of his mother. Hasn't the powder worn off yet? he wonders, unnerved, but then his mother starts talking.

"Your father left me. He has gone off to find a way to heal you and he left me! You destroyed our marriage, Remus!" his mother reproaches him bitterly. Remus is too taken aback by her words to do anything. "You, Remus! I tried to love you but now I wish you would have died the day you were bitten. God knows that I was happy then."

It can't be his mother, she would never say these horrible things, each word cutting like a knife. It's like his worst fears have come true; his father did something irrevocably hurtful to her because of him. And then it dawns on him. A Boggart! He hasn't seen one for years and has quite forgotten how real they are. For all that, the knowledge doesn't protect him because it looks just like her, even smells like her. It wears her favourite perfume, a usually beloved scent, now invading his nostrils like sweet poison.

"He is ruining himself just because he cannot accept what happened to you and you are not helping at all. But how could you? You're not human anymore. John wastes his life finding a cure but you don't even appreciate it. And now he's gone and what am I without him? I don't want to see you ever again in my house, do you hear me, Remus?" his mother, no, the Boggart spits. It is hard to know what is real and what isn't and he cannot remember crying but his cheeks are wet and his nose is running and why can't he think of something funny to stop it?

"You're not my son anymore, you're a monster!" his mother says cruelly and Remus dies inside.

"Hey Moony!" The door bangs open. "Moony? Oh bugger!" Remus' head spins round just in time to see Sirius throwing himself between him and the Boggart. "Get away! Go!" he shouts and then the Boggart changes his form. Remus blinks, bewildered, because this can't be true, he can't be Sirius' Boggart but he is. His likeness looks miserable, wearing only rags and being terribly thin and shabby. Sirius looks surprised and Remus realises that he didn't expect this form, didn't know that Remus is his Boggart.

"You! You betrayed me again. I trusted you and you betrayed me again!" the other Remus says miserably, sounding awfully disappointed and weary.

"You're not real. Riddikulus!" Sirius' voice his shaky and the spell doesn't work. The Boggart stands in front of the trunk and it must look familiar to Sirius, seeing him there. It's even more surreal for Remus.

"Look at me, Sirius! I'm too poor to buy myself decent robes and I haven't eaten in days. You know why, don't you? Everyone knows because of you. I'll never get a job or find someone who loves me because of you." The other Remus doesn't sound angry, only tired and disappointed and bitter and why doesn't Sirius do something?

"I do," Sirius says hoarsely, two words that break Remus' heart, surprise and hurt him more than he would have thought possible.

"You have a great way of showing it. You're a Black, Sirius, you don't know what love is. You're just like the rest of your family. You're cruel, selfish and vain and we both know that you're a pervert too. That kiss disgusted me. You disgust me."

"Remus, please…"

"Please what?" The Boggart steps closer. "I can't trust you. I can't love you. I hate you."

"NO!" says Remus loudly and the image of a very happy Christmas crosses his mind. His wand at the ready, he shoves Sirius out of the way. The Boggart switches back to his mother but this time he is prepared.

"Riddikulus!" Instantly, his mother is covered in fairy lights and Remus laughs, slightly desperate, but he laughs. It's enough for the Boggart to shy away from him, enough to let him stumble over the trunk and enough for Remus to lock the lid magically. Remus exhales, relieved, and turns to Sirius, who is half-sitting, half-lying on the floor, his hand still clutching his wand. His face is mostly hidden by his hair but the sound betrays him, ragged but silent sobs.

"Padfoot," Remus says softly and approaches his friend. Sirius turns away, trying to hide his tears in shame but Remus cannot turn away this time, for now he understands. He sinks on his knees and reaches out for Sirius' trembling shoulder.

"Please go away," Sirius says in a strained voice. All of the Marauders know that Sirius Black values his dignity over everything but this is too important to respect it now.

"Pads, I could never hate you," says Remus, ignoring the request. His friend's body convulses with a violently suppressed sob.

"How…how can you say that? I know that…I mean…I'm…such a sick bastard."

"Sirius, you are my friend," declares Remus with as much conviction as he can muster. Finally, Sirius looks up, eyes shining with anguish and hope. "You are, you still are."

"Oh Moony, I'm so sorry." The words break out of Sirius and he clutches Remus' shoulders and hides his face in his neck, leaving Remus shocked but also strangely pleased. Hesitantly, he puts his arms around the shaking body that is clinging to him as though his life depended on it. Sirius' voice is muffled when he speaks again and it's more of a feverish babble really. "So sorry….never should've sent him to the shack, never. I didn't think and…so sorry. I shouldn't have…shouldn't have kissed you…'m sorry for that, too."

"No, don't be," says Remus fiercely and tightens his embrace or whatever it is they're doing. He doesn't want to hear Sirius apologise for that and the irony of this late epiphany is bittersweet.

"I don't know what's…wrong with me. You're my mate and I should never have…not you, never you," mutters Sirius into his neck. One of Remus' hands is rubbing Sirius' back in calming circles while the other is entwined in silky black hair. "Sorry, just s-sorry. I'll be…a better friend, I promise."

Something breaks inside him; seeing Sirius like this is something he cannot bear. Sirius never loses his composure and he certainly never cries but his robes are wet where Sirius is sobbing into them and Remus' head is spinning with the enormity of it all. There has been enough anguish for both of them and Remus is afraid that guilt and shame will destroy them sooner or later. Sirius' fingers are digging painfully into his shoulder blades, interrupting his feverishly rambling thoughts. He isn't sure whether he will regret it and uncertainty threatens to overwhelm him once more but his hand is moving on its own accord, tugging on Sirius' head until they are face to face. Miserable grey eyes take his breath away and Sirius is too pale, he shouldn't be so pale. This is not a good idea but he leans closer and brushes his lips over Sirius' and he feels his breath hitch and he mustn't do it but he does.

…to be continued

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