A/N: Mentions of suicide,
somewhat explicit description of anxiety/panic attacks.
Michelle walked aimlessly down the street, at a complete loss as to what to do with herself. Everything was cancelled, she was avoiding her phone and she wasn't sure if she still had a job to go to. The misery had set deep in her chest and she was trying not to think about the fact that her world had come crashing down. Panic burned in her chest whenever she focused on everything that had happened over the last few days.
Perching on Maxine's bench, she pulled her phone from her pocket and finally glanced at it for the first time that day. Robert had called her seventeen times. He'd left five messages and around eight voicemails.
'Michelle please can we talk?'
'Why do I have an email confirming the cancellation of our flowers?'
'AND our music?! Michelle you can't be serious! We can sort this, please just answer me!'
'I'm begging you. I'm so sorry. I truly am. Please don't do this. I love you. Let's just try and wok this out.'
'Are you really going to throw everything away?'
"I didn't throw anything away!" She hissed out loud to herself, seething at how this was suddenly her fault. If he hadn't started injecting himself with poison, none of this would have happened. Angrily deleting the messages, she was about to put her phone away when it lit up with another message, this time from Ryan.
'Was too short notice to get a refund for the flight. Coming anyway. See you soon!"
A small smile crept to her lips, knowing she was going to see her son despite having cancelled her wedding instantly lifted her spirits. Though now she was panicking again. Where would they stay? Surely, Robert would be home soon? Michelle knew he was at a friends house, giving them both some space, but it was his flat. Ryan would be here tomorrow, as with a heavy sigh she realised that she should have been excitedly preparing for her own hen do. No wedding, no home, possibly no job- what on earth was she going to do now? Feeling the familiar wave of nausea, she took a deep breath and dropped her head in her hands, trying to combat the anxiety that was causing her heart to thud erratically in her chest.
"Michelle, are you okay?"
Her head snapped up at the sound of her name and she found herself looking up at Kate, who was walking down the street hand-in-hand with Rana. Letting go of her girlfriends hand, she leant down to wrap her cousin up in a comforting hug.
"How're you holding up?"
"I'm... getting there." Michelle lied, knowing full well that Kate didn't buy it.
"You look a bit peaky, are you eating? We're just heading home so Rana can change, but we're going to the Rovers for lunch in half an hour. Why don't you join us?" Kate offered kindly as she let the other woman go.
"Yeah, you'd be more than welcome to. I'm so sorry about you and Robert." Rana added, offering Michelle a placating smile.
"Thank you," The older woman smiled gratefully at the pair of them, though the thought of anything to eat really wasn't appealing at that time. "I'll see how I feel.. I might see you there?"
With a small wave and another smile, she watched them make their way down the street. She wanted nothing more than to run back to her flat and cry. She was almost tempted to do just that, when she laid eyes on the factory. No, she wouldn't do that. Suddenly, Michelle knew exactly who she wanted to see.
The familiar whirring of machines assaulted her ears the moment she pushed the heavy door open. The room was alive with the sound of idle chatter, the smooth aroma of coffee filtrating the air. It was lively, close to lunchtime and the factory workers were chatting happily about what they were going to have. Sean was trying to convince Fizz to head to the cafe with him, rather than go back home.
"Come on; sausage, egg and chips with Manchester Tart for dessert. My treat?" He goaded, smiling triumphantly when she agreed.
There was a beauty in the simple joy of their pleased grins, a reminder that the world kept turning, even if it felt like it had crashed and burned.
"Hiya Michelle, you alright?" Sean called casually to her, gesturing over towards the office window. "She's just on the phone, I was going to ask her if she wanted a drink when she'd finished. I can make you both one, if you'd like?"
The sincerity in his voice told Michelle that he was offering out of genuine kindness, rather than scheming to get away from his machine. A lump formed in her throat, the impact Aiden must have made on the factory staff seemed ever present, his death had been painful on them all.
"That would be great, thank you," Michelle smiled, her hand resting on his arm for a second before allowing him to head into the kitchen area. A quick glance into the window showed her that the Carla hadn't even realised she was there yet. She had her back to them, phone pressed against her ear.
Inching open the office door as silently as she could, she crept into the room, catching what seemed to be a heated conversation. Carla's voice was cold and precise, a warning sign that she was getting wound up.
"It is the unit price that yourself and Mr Connor agreed upon. If you had any qualms about his mathematician skills, why did you accept the offer?" There was a pause, presumably the client on the other end was arguing his case. "I've told you he isn't in office at the moment. You can't speak to him."
Michelle clicked the door closed and Carla's chair whipped around.
'Sorry' Michelle mouthed, but the other woman's hardened expression softened for a second when she regarded her friend, gesturing for her to take a seat.
"If you won't discuss pricing with me, then how can I- No, he won't be back for- No he won't be on mobile- No he won't- he won't answer- Well call it all you like he won't answer because he's dead!" Carla screamed down the phone. A deafening silence echoed around the office. Her eyes filled with tears and she tried to blink them away. They overflowed and spilled down her cheeks.
Instantly, Michelle was on her feet and she was taking the phone from Carla's hand, pressing it to her own ear where a splattered apology was being made down the line. She recognised that voice.
"Hi, Mr Dawson. If you would kindly email the figures across to Underworld, we'll take a look at them and see what we can do for you. Is that okay?"
"I, uh... Well- well yes, that would be...that would be- but, but don't worry about it. I mean take your time- no rush. I'm sorry-"
Michelle hung up the phone and placed it down on the desk. Without even thinking, she flipped down the blinds, providing immediate privacy and slid the lock across on the door. Carla hadn't moved since her outburst, she was sat tense in her chair, jaw clenched, tears still on her face. Michelle knew the dam was overflowing and close to bursting. Carla was trying to hold it back.
"You're working yourself too hard," Michelle sighed, crouching down in front of the other woman, her hands resting on her thighs. "It's getting you all upset."
"I'm upset because my brother killed himself!" It might have sounded like she'd been snapping, if her voice hadn't broke, if she hadn't let out a pained sob. Michelle was up by her side, her arms sliding around Carla as she perched on the arm of the chair. It was alarming how tiny the older woman felt in her hold.
"I'm here, I'm here," Michelle murmured soothingly, running a comforting hand through her hair as she cried. "I've got you."
Carla balled her fists into Michelle's shirt and clung to her, heart wrenching sobs filling the office air.
"I wish he'd have talked. Why didn't he talk? I feel so guilty, what sort of sister was I that he couldn't even come to me?" Came broken, muffled cries, her voice raw.
"We all wish that, darling. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. He was so pleased to have you back in his life, you were an amazing sister to him. You know how much he loved you," Michelle assured her, the same mantra she ran in her own head whenever she too started to feel the aching guilt, torturing herself by analysing every conversation she'd had with him over the last couple of months.
"He saved my life, but I couldn't save his. He was my little brother, I was supposed to protect him and I didn't." Carla finally confessed her turmoil, she couldn't remember the last time she'd gone to sleep without battling her own conscience, shouldering the blame of what had happened.
Michelle's heart squeezed at her best friends words, hating that she seemed to blame herself, knowing full well that had she not walked in and found her on that call, Carla would have kept silent about her personal torment.
"Please stop blaming yourself," The younger brunette pleaded with her, dropping a few calming kisses into her hair as she spoke. Unraveling her arms from around her, she brought them up instead to cup her face, running her thumbs over prominent cheekbones. It was only now she noticed that they seemed slightly too prominent. "Have you had anything to eat?"
Shaking her head, Carla gave a small sigh and waited for the berating that was sure to follow. She hadn't had much of an appetite, though suspected that a lack of food wasn't helping solve the dull ache in her head.
"Come on," She felt herself being pulled up from her seat, Michelle gently squeezing her hands once she was upright. "Kate and Rana invited me for lunch at the Rovers, I bet they'd love to see you there too."
It wasn't quite their scheduled lunch time, but there hadn't been any arguments when Carla had given her staff an early dart. Sliding her arm around the crook of Michelle's elbow, she set off with her towards their local, chatting animatedly with her about the things she'd missed at the factory.
"-So Kirk opened the van to load the boxes and, I don't know how the hell it had managed to become trapped in there, the pigeon flew out at him, he almost wet himself, stumbled backwards and tripped over the boxes! He fell flat on his backside, I could barely stand I was laughing so hard!"
"No way!" Michelle spluttered, a steam of giggles leaving her body as they stepped around a taxi that had just pulled up outside the Rovers. "Oh I'd have loved to have seen-"
"Michelle!"
Freezing in their tracks, both women whipped around at the sound of his voice. Robert was storming towards them, the look on his face thunderous. Carla wrapped a protective around the younger brunette's waist, who was stood rigid.
"What the hell are you playing at? Exactly how long did you think you could avoid me for?"
"Not here, Rob. Look we'll talk lat-"
"Oh and give you another chance to slip off and ignore me? I don't think so, Michelle." The chef looked absolutely terrible. He was pale, almost grey faced, with heavy bags under his eyes. With unkempt hair, crumpled clothing and a light sheen of sweat covering his face that was visible as he got closer, Carla suddenly grew suspicious of this so called friends he was staying at. A quick glance at Michelle confirmed that she was thinking along the same lines.
"Who exactly is this 'friend' that you're staying with? Where's he from? Is he a blast from the past, Robert?" Carla asked,
pointedly, arching her brow.
"What're you accusing me of? Standing there on your high horse, acting like you're so much above me. We both know you're no better. You're just the same, a pathetic addict!"
"Don't you dare speak to her like that!" Michelle stepped forward, standing between them, anger and fear building in her chest. Glancing up into his eyes, she tried to find some familiarity there, just an ounce of the man she'd fallen in love with, but he was staring at her with such an intense hatred.
"You cancelled everything." Robert fumed, his hands balled into fists in his pockets. "You wouldn't even speak to me about it! How could you do that?"
"Because we're over. We spoke about this, I'm not going over it again in the middle of the street or when you're in this state. We'll talk when you've calmed down. I'm going home-"
"That's my flat, Michelle!" He raged, advancing on her. His fury was so uncontrolled that Carla grabbed hold of Michelle and pulled her away from him, suddenly fearing for the woman's safety.
The nausea that had ebbed away earlier in the day was back with full force. Panic prickled along her shoulders and down the back of her neck, tightness returning to her chest. Her airflow seemed restricted as she opened her mouth to try and placate her ex fiancé, but she didn't get the chance to speak.
"It's my flat and my Bistro, or have you forgotten? Your sense of entitlement is astonishing! You do realise that you're not just throwing us away, don't you? You're throwing yourself out onto the street, you're throwing your job away. Are you sure you've thought this through? What exactly are you doing to do?"
Michelle heard him, but his voice sounded oddly muffled. It might have been because she could feel her heartbeat in her ears, hear the blood rushing around her head. The tightness in her chest had turned into a harsh pain and when she let out a gasp against it, she found there was no air to be pulled into her lungs. She was suffocating.
"You're disgusting. If you loved her at all, you wouldn't be putting this pressure on her. Not after everything she's been through!"
She knew it was Carla's voice, but Michelle couldn't hear her words. She was underwater. She was underwater and she couldn't breathe. Her vision started to swim.
It was the sound of the younger woman collapsing to the floor that brought both Carla and Robert out of their angered altercation.
"'Chelle!" Fear laced her cry as she dropped to her knees in front of her friend. She was gasping, her breath coming in short, pained pants, eyes wide with terror.
"Go and get someone." She snapped at Robert, who was staring horrified at two women on the floor. Carla went to take one of Michelle's hands but they were seized, fingers curved into claws as she fought for breath.
"It's okay, Michelle I'm here,"
There was a crash as the door to the Rovers was thrown open with such a force that it hit the wall and Carla felt a wave of relief when she saw Rob emerging with Ali, who still had a napkin tucked into the front of his shirt. Taking one look at Michelle's rigid, shaking frame, the terror in her eyes as she fought for breath, he crouched down in front of her, levelling his face with hers.
"You're safe, it's okay," He spoke in a calm, clear voice. Cautiously, he reached out and caught on of her clenched hands, bringing it up to place on his chest. "Breathe with me, you can do this. Breathe in when you feel my chest pushing against your hand." Inhaling deeply through his nose, he held it for less than a second, before exhaling through his mouth, his eyes locked on his biological mother's as he showed her what to do. "That's it, you're doing it. You're doing brilliant, you're safe Michelle."
Carla and Rob watched Ali slow the woman's erratic breathing, the Bistro at least had the decency to look guilty, the horror of seeing Michelle collapse seemed to have sobered his fury.
"Get out of here, Robert." Carla hissed, knowing that he was the last person the younger woman needed to see right now.
"Tell her she can stay in the flat as long as she needs." He muttered, casting one last worried glance at her before backing off. Carla didn't even turn to watch him go, she crouched back down next to Ali, who had successfully calmed down Michelle.
"Hey, 'Chelle," She called softly, reaching out to rest her hand on her friends knee. "I'm here darlin'."
Her sons face had come steadily into focus once her breathing had slowed, the tightness in her chest ebbing away. She glanced from him to Carla, the relief of suddenly being able to take air into her lungs combined with the familiarity of seeing two people she loved allowing her to speak for the first time.
"What was that? I thought I was going to die," She whispered, wiggling her fingers to combat the onslaught of pins and needles that were prickling her skin.
"You had a panic attack, have you not had one before?" Ali answered, gazing concerned at the brunette. She shook her head, still trembling slightly.
"I'm going to try and help you stand, okay?"
"Are you sure that's a good idea? You look like you might faint," Carla's face was painted with worry, she wanted nothing more than to pull Michelle into her chest and make sure nothing and no one hurt her again.
I'm okay, I'm fine.." She panted as Ali helped her to her feet. He did so slowly, with caution, keeping his arm securely around her.
"Nice and easy, that's it. Not too fast, you'll be dizzy."
She stumbled slightly and Ali caught her with both hands, holding them around her to steady her.
"Thank you," Michelle turned to give him a hug, which he accepted, keeping a gentle hand on her shoulder as they broke apart.
"I've got to get back, my break ended five minutes ago. You should make an appointment and speak to someone...But I will call around later this evening to check on you, okay?" He hesitated for a second, as though battling with himself, before leaning down and pressing a shy, swift kiss to her cheek. "I want you to have had something to eat and drink when i next see you. Nothing alcoholic and nothing caffeinated. That goes for you too!" Rounding on Carla, he raised a somewhat accusatory eyebrow at her.
"Yes, Doctor." She saluted, a hint of sarcasm in her tone. Rolling his eyes, he gave Michelle's shoulder a final squeeze before setting off back over the medical centre. No sooner had he let the younger woman go, Carla's arms had replaced his.
"Right, Doctors orders. I'm taking you home."