Disclaimer: Inuyasha and Narnia are the property of the respective copyright holders.

Chapter 3: Pretty Maids All in a Row

by Raven Dhancer

To remain unobserved, the Sergeant-Major cautiously lead his detachment into the house through the coal chute. As the squad tracked coal dust through the house, Schmidt realized this was not, perhaps, his most glorious plan. This was confirmed by Miss Kenton, "Yer barmy baboons! Wadda yer thinkin'? Yon maids just scrubbed tha floor!"

Sure enough, six maid servants were aligned behind the housekeeper, each more dour than the last. Lacking the skill of the maids, the skill and the knee calluses earned by decades of scrubbing, it took the squad several hours to return the hallways to their previous pristine state.

"My hands 'll ne'er be the same," said Private Hughes brandishing his chapped and bleeding hams. "Ole Bossy will stomp me fer sure."

Afterterwards the maids had the squad down to the hall for "tea".

Schmidt tried to break up the party but once the corporal pulled out his squeeze box it was a lost cause, and Hughes had quite the voice. If only he had been singing "Deutschland Uber Alles" instead of something about an actress and a bishop to the vast amusement of the other yokels.

The wardrobe was not obtained on that day. The Sergeant-Major retired to his lodgings to compose a report to his superiors, his real superiors, that properly covered his shapely, even if he did say so himself, buttocks and enjoy a hot bath.

Of course, there was no hot water because of the black out, not that Schmidt ever knew.

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"Oh no! Mr. Shippou has been taken," Lucy exclaimed in her high-pitched squeal of a voice. Sango covered the ear closest to her and cringed. After the ringing subsided, she explained, "yes, I'm afraid he has. Myoga reported that he'd been swept up and carried away by a strange demon which smelled of Naraku."

"Oh no!" Lucy squealed again, dancing around.

"You have a powerful weapon there, child," Kaede told her, "but perhaps you should save your voice for when it is needed. And it will be needed! We will all go to war to fight for control of Narnia soon!" Kaede raised her arm in the air in front of her with her wrist stiffly angled towards the sky. "Hail to Narnia," she shouted.

Sango and Miroku looked curiously at her. "Who taught you that? Is that the sign for Inuyasha?"

"Never mind ye," Kaede shook her head and ducked back into the hut.

"Lucy, we must gather your brothers and sister and find Inuyasha. Naraku's spies are everywhere and we hear he is after all the humans," Sango paused to swat at a large insect buzzing near her ear, "Susan will be arriving any minute on Kirara and Kouga agreed to retrieve your brothers."

"But, but," Lucy managed to look adorably confused.

"What is it, Lucy?"

"You three are human, right? Why doesn't this Naraku want you three?"

"Hmmm," Sango turned to Miroku, "why are these otherworlders so important, Houshi?"

"I think it's the British accents. Something in the prophecy about otherworlders with accents, plus you four are…"

Before he could finish, a loud "hullo" interrupted the conversation as Kouga skidded to a stop before them. Peter was riding on his back.

"Peter," Lucy squealed and Kouga winced, "you're here! But wherever is Edmund?"

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Back at the castle, Hess was starting to fell hopeful. He had persuaded Naraku to accept a battalion of Panzers. Naraku had had good experience with the Group of Seven and thought he could find a use for more. There was one small problem, the matter of support units.

"These other humans" Naraku was saying, "I suppose they are infantry, scouts... What are the trucks for? What are mechanics?"

Hess thought. "Well" he said, "they keep the tanks running you know, if they get damaged, or need repairs."

"Repair? Damage? By what?" Naraku laughed, "Peasants with sticks?"

"Well, you need to keep them maintained, if they break down, the fuel systems need to be checked-" He trailed off. Naraku was looking irritated.

"They break down? Then you'll give me more, right? Right?" Naraku leaned forward. "And what's a fuel system? What are the trucks for?"

"Petrol" Hess squeeked. "It's for..." In that moment, Hess realized he was doomed. Naraku might want tanks, but he realized how much it took to run them? Hess's skull might make a nice lamp. He thought wildly. "For the flame throwers! The truck drivers have flame throwers! Oh you should see them Naraku-sama riding in a line flaming the enemy!"

"They throw flame?"

"It shoots from their eyes! A fearsome sight!" Holey shit. "And the mechanics, you should see them! They're 4 meters tall! They have giant wrenches and steel hooks! And claws and giant blades and ..."

"I wonder" mused Naraku "how we'll get them through the wardrobe. Can they be disassembled perhaps?"

With visions of fiery eyeballs dancing in his head, Naraku personally escorted the despicable human Hess to the entrance of the wardrobe.

"You don't think…" Hess paused and ducked his head shyly. Naraku could have sworn he was blushing.

"What is it?" Naraku asked, trying his best to insert a hint of irritation in. It was a chore, really, since Hess left him feeling strangely flat.

"Oh it's nothing." Hess shrugged, unable to muster the bravery to proposition Naraku. He tried his best to hide his disappointment.

"And you'll be sending the 'flame-throwers' through when exactly." Hess had been a little iffy on the details.

"I'll be in touch," Hess gave him a relieved smile just before he slipped through the doorway of the wardrobe.

A slimy appendage wrapped itself around his waist and jerked him back. "You do that," Naraku hissed as Hess found himself face to face with the darkly handsome demon.

Hess gibbered convincingly enough for Naraku and Hess found himself hurtled head first through the doorway of the wardrobe. He landed in a heap against the far wall of the room with a piercing shriek.

Kukukuku….

Hess could have sworn he heard eerie laughter coming from the wardrobe.

Hess did a few quick measurements in his head. Yes, his plan did indeed have a few serious holes. No tanks would be penetrating that tiny wardrobe entrance that was for certain, though it might have been fun to try.

He was about to give up on the whole idea and cut his losses, when he had a flash of inspiration. Some of that experimental new sound and vortex weaponry would disassemble right nicely.

He mentally patted himself on the shoulder. His shaky alliance with Naraku might prove useful after all.

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Sango felt something brush against her backside and ignored it. A few seconds later, there was another, firmer touch and she whirled around, reading to slam her Hiraikotsu down on the houshi's flat head.

She came face to face with a red-faced blond with a boyish smile.

"So, are you game?" He gave her a sly wink.

Sango glared. She was a demon hunter, a hard life and when time came to relax, time to fend off the wandering hands of the wandering monk. No time for love. No time to relax. No time...like the present. She sighed.

"Come on.", she said as she dragged Peter off.

A little while later a tenor voice could be heard saying "I say! Your head doesn't half smell like horse!"

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First thing when Naraku got back to the castle, he changed into his old clothes. He relaxed and put his tentacles up. You know, he thought, it was nice to have guests, but then it was always such a relief to finally put them on the ox-cart home. Or in Hess's case, fling them bodily out of your dimension. He sipped his tea.

He was going to have fun with all his new toys. The flame throwers, the mechanics. He thought the Shuggoths would be fun; why hadn't Hess mentioned them right off? The Megos from Yuggoth definitely sounded promising. What else had he bought? You know how it is, you go in prepared to buy one thing and you end up with a whole shopping cart. Why had he negotiated the Hyborean Barbarians? It wasn't like he needed them, but they sounded so stylish! Mounted on the Pelucidan Mahars, with them at his back, he'd make an entrance, if anybody ever invited him anywhere. Anyway, Hitler never went anywhere without them, Hess had assured him.

Something else occurred to him. Hess, that nimwit, he thought. He went off without his deposit. Can't have him coming back!

Naraku sent a tentacle to open a drawer, another drawer, another drawer, poking inside. He found the scissors eventually, Not Where He Left Them! Extruding pods of psychic essence, he started snipping them off with the scissors. Ping, splat, a demon popped into the air. He quickly assembled a company of demons, then grabbing an extra large pod, gave a huge hack. Thwack! The company commander, a demon that turned out to be a long eel-like orange striped fanged horror, flew off in an arc that landed him in the middle of the far wall. The Lelosfh gathered himself up and slithered over. "Your Orderth Naraku-thama?" he lithped.

"Say it, don't spray it" said Naraku hopelessly. "You must find the creature Hess and assist him in delivering my new warriors!"

"Find Hethethth! Find Hethth! Find Hethetheth!" the demons chorused wetly as they swarmed off over the hills towards the wardrobe.

TBC