January . . .
Arriving home, Adam hadn't paused to put Midnight's saddle away but seeing Evan near the barn barked out, "Take care of Midnight!" And ignoring his brothers questions about why he'd come rushing home, took the front steps two at a time.
He pushed open the bedroom door and froze. She was asleep, her cheeks pink and her dark eyelashes glistened with tears still clinging to them. She lay in a ball curled up tight. He was always teasing her saying that she could curl up as tight as a roly poly. She looked tiny; like a little girl.
He sighed and quietly sat on the edge of the bed watching her. He felt a raw, dull ache wishing he had the power to make things right for her. She'd been so happy; had come to him with bright and shining eyes. Seeing her happy filled him with such a powerful joy. He didn't know that someone else's happiness could be a million more times powerful than his own.
Of course, the opposite was also true; nothing could shatter him like her sorrow.
Her eyes blinked open, and seeing him, she immediately smiled. It killed him whenever she did that. Always, whenever her eyes landed on him, she smiled; every time - since the day they'd met.
"Hey, sweetheart." He said softly scooting closer to her, and brushing the hair back off her forehead.
Her eyes filled immediately with tears, "Adam, I'm so . . ."
"Shh." He said, his hand brushing across her soft cheek. "Are you in pain? Are you okay?"
"I'm okay." She said softly.
"Good." He said. "I'm sorry, honey." He sighed trying to think of something that would make it better. "I . . ."
"Dr. Meade said it just happens sometimes. He said that it is part of living in a modern world - in the past I wouldn't have even known that I was pregnant, but we can find out so early now that . . ." She sighed. "He said it didn't have anything to do with before. It just happened."
"Okay." He leaned forward kissing her lips. "Okay. You should rest, hon." He brushed the tears that spilled out with his thumb.
"Maybe it isn't something that is meant to be." Her voice was so small.
"Hey, now, it is just one of those things. Doc said so."
"It's not like we aren't parents already. You've already given me sons." She continued. "Maybe . . ."
"Hey, darlin' stop it, okay." He felt an unreasonable anger. "Stop it."
"I'm sorry." She said seeing that she'd upset him. "I'm sorry, Adam. I wanted to . . ."
"You don't apologize for this, girl - not now - not ever. This is you and me. Ours." He leaned in so his face was just inches from hers. "And I wish I could fix it. I'd do anything to fix it."
She sighed and reaching out with gentle fingers rubbed the worry lines that ran across his forehead. "I'm turning you into an old man before you turn thirty." She said trying to smile.
"Not you. The boys did that." He corrected her. "Is there . . . can I do anything?"
She shook her head, closing her eyes briefly and more tears squeezed out.
"Are you in pain?" He asked again.
"No." She said, but he knew it was a lie - she was in deep pain; it just wasn't physical.
"Is it okay if I put my arms around you?" He asked her feeling utterly helpless. "I don't want to hurt you."
"Yes." The word escaped from her like a gasping for air, and he kicked off his boots and climbed in beside her, wrapping his arms around her small body. She clung tightly to him, nestled against his chest. Looking down he saw that she was wearing his light blue henley and he was shattered with the memory of her last miscarriage. She'd put on his shirt then too, saying, "It's like having your arms around me all the time." It pained him to think that she'd come home alone today, and put his shirt on for comfort. He kissed her forehead a bubble of love and anguish welled up inside him that threatened to spill out in tears.
"I love you, Hannah Joy. I love you for always." He whispered wishing that words of love could heal her completely.
She said nothing - made no sound, but silently sobbed.
He had expected to fall asleep with her, but somehow he couldn't sleep. He kept his arms around her for a long time after she'd fallen asleep. Her anguish filled him with a rage that he didn't seem able to manage. After a time, he'd had to climb out of bed and do something.
He stormed downstairs to find his brothers gathered around in the living room. He glanced at the window and saw it was dark.
"What's going on?" Daniel asked him with concern.
"Hannah's . . ." He hesitated trying to get control of his emotions. "Hannah's sick and . . ."
"She's sick?" Guthrie's voice squeaked and his brothers laughed at him. His changing voice was their favorite entertainment.
"Knock it off!" Adam said angrily. "She's sleeping!"
"Okay." Daniel said. "Sorry." He glanced at his brothers. "She need anything?"
"No, I . . ." He hesitated. Part of him was still capable of reasonable thought. They had no idea. And it wasn't their fault she was so sad. He shook his head. "I'm . . .I'm gonna go fix that shed door. If she wakes, come and get me. Brian and Crane aren't back?" He longed for his co-parent brother to be here and take the burden of parenting off his shoulders for a few hours.
"Probably camp out tonight. It's already dark." Evan pointed out.
"Yeah, I guess." He turned. "Come and find me if she wakes."
"Sure, man." Daniel said.
He crossed the yard in long easy strides at a rapid pace. He turned toward the shed, and realized he'd brought no tools, wore no coat and hadn't even remembered to put his shoes back on. He stared up at the door which hung at a crazy angle, since one of Guthrie's goats had rammed it when it had escaped. The crooked door filled him with fury. He reached out and pulled it down with his hands tossing it to the ground. It felt good to destroy something - if he couldn't destroy the things that hurt her. The wood was old and dry so when he slammed his fist into it, it crumbled. He didn't know how long he'd been standing in the dark, cold night slamming his fists into the old door when Brian had finally walked up to him. His brother reached out with a firm, yet gentle hand, pulling him back.
"Adam." Brian's voice was calm. "Adam!"
He stood blinking at his brother trying to remember where he was or what he'd been doing.
"Your hand's bleeding." Brian said gently, nodding at Adam's hand. "Let's go inside and get it cleaned up."
"What . . .I . . .I don't know what I was doing."
"Come on, man. Let's go inside. It's freezing. Where are your boots?"
"I don't know. I . . .I . . ." He looked down at his feet. "Upstairs, I guess. She wake up?"
"Yeah. Crane is fixing her some soup. Come inside, brother." He put a hand on Adam's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Come on." He followed Brian back into the house where his brothers all stood staring with wide eyes, looking frightened.
"Go on. Time for bed." Brian said to them. "Go on."
"Hey, Brian is everything . . ." Daniel began, but Brian shook his head. He turned to Adam. "Clean your hand before you go to her." He said to his older brother, as though he were Guthrie. Adam nodded and went upstairs.
"Dan'l," Brian said with a sigh. "You're gonna have to leave it alone, little brother. It's just some Adam/Hannah stuff, okay? Tell the other guys too. We need to give them time. You got troubles, come to me for a bit, okay?"
"Yeah, man. I just . . .can we help at all?" Daniel's face was a portrait of concern, and Brian smiled at him, proud of the men that he and Adam had raised.
"Yeah, you can help by not asking too many questions and by being really patient, and" He sighed, "Being sweet to Hannah, okay?"
"Okay." Daniel glanced up the stairs and they both watched Adam, with his hand wrapped in a towel, open the door and disappear inside his room.
Daniel glanced around at his brothers. "Come on, you heard Brian, bed. It's late anyway."
Brian smiled watching them all troop upstairs, knowing that they would respect his request. They were, all of them, good men. And they all loved Hannah and would do just about anything for her. He knew Adam was right about not telling them; they would all be crushed, but still, he wished . . . knowing would make understanding easier. He had been terrified when he'd come home to find Adam, alone, barefoot in the dark night violently destroying the shed door with his bare hands, and he understood. He could only imagine how the other boys felt. He hoped they could all be patient.
He didn't understand that it was his patience that would be tested.