Author's Note:

See, I have this incredibly intricate plan. Write RobStar until I have many followers and friends, then covert you all to StarBB. Mwhahaha. You are now all my minions (Despicable me style, right Skyler?) and I have bananas for you all.

Yes... two massive series, an AAU, loooooads of oneshots, two joined author projects, two bone fide RobRae attempts, one on a different account and it's all a scam.

...

Actually, that's a lot of work for a scam.

Chapter 3

I did not sleep that night. I could not. My mind churned with so many thoughts. Some good. Some bad. Mostly about myself. I paced in my room, searching my feelings, my heart more Tamaranian than I had felt in a while.

I felt pulled in so many directions. By Beast Boy, by Robin. By my own heart. For the year since Robin and Raven started dating, I had not really been living. Simply existing. And the realisation of that was not heartening.

As the morning sun skipped above the horizon, I was still had no answers for myself. I sighed and headed to the roof, hoping that my morning recharge would help.

Raven was waiting for me, floating in the lotus position as she mediated by the morning light. "I could feel your emotions churning all night," she said, turning her head toward me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I hesitated. "Would that be appropriate?" I asked.

"I don't see why not?" she replied. "You're my friend. I don't feel anything for Beast Boy other than friendship. And the turbulence of your emotions interrupted my sleep. If I can help in any way, I'm here."

I sighed and walked to the side of the building and sat with my feet dangling over the edge. "Tamaranian emotions are most complicated."

"I know," Raven said. "I was you for a day. But remember, if you voice them, things become clear."

I brought one knee up and rested my chin on it, closing my eyes instead of staring into the sun.

Raven floated silently beside me, but after a time, she spoke. "I know you still love Robin. I know that causes you pain and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know. Love is never simple."

"I'd offer to take it away, but I don't think you'd go for that."

"It is my burden. I will not allow someone else to shoulder it."

"You are allowed to love more than one person, you know."

"I love many people."

"I meant, be in love with. What do you feel for Beast Boy?"

Thinking of him made my stomach churn. I felt warm and cold and scared and happy all at once.

Raven's eyes widened. "That's a lot of feelings."

"My apologies," I said regretful. "I did not mean to overwhelm you."

"You didn't. I've gotten pretty good at having my own, you know. Being in a relationship with Robin hasn't been easy. We're both pretty private people. Sometimes having a conversation to express ourselves is tough. Star... a while ago, you asked me one question about Robin and our relationship. Just one. Do you remember?"

I nodded.

"I'm going to ask you the same. Does he make you happy?"

I considered. "Last night was glorious. I have not felt so happy in a long time. But a relationship?" I turned my head down and rested my forehead on my knee. "I do not know. I do not wish to be another heartbreak for him."

"That's no reason not to try."

"I do not know if I can survive giving my heart away again."

"That's a better reason," Raven said. "But somewhere along the line you have to take a chance."

"Or, I could just be alone," I reasoned. "Then I would hurt no one but myself."

"That's not you, Star. You live and breathe sunlight and love. You were meant to be loved in return. Even if it wasn't who you thought it would be."

I sighed deeply.

The door to the roof opened. "How're my two lovely ladies this mornin'?" Cyborg called and I peered under my arm to see him sauntering over.

"Having an emotional dilemma," Raven replied.

He about faced. "Ahh... that sounds like a herbal tea moment," Cyborg said. "I'll be back."

"Must everyone be aware?" I muttered and closed my eyes.

"Secrets are hard to keep in this place. I wish I could make this easier for you, but I can't. It's something you have to come to on your own."

I kept my eyes closed.

"He's a good guy-"

"Raven. Please." I did not wish to be coerced into a relationship with Beast Boy just to make her feel better about herself and Robin, as bitter as that thought was, it was still mine to have. "I wish for the right reasons and I need time."

"Sorry."

"May I ask what Robin feels?" I said, timid. "His reaction to my date was most concerning."

"He was... surprised," Raven said slowly. "I was too. He's concerned as well, he doesn't want to see you hurt. And he's suddenly realising he hasn't been a very good friend and blaming himself."

I nodded. "He said he did not wish for things to change and it has."

"It was inevitable. He was kidding himself if he thought he could keep things the same between you."

I nodded again.

"I'll give you some space," Raven said.

"Thank you."

"You know, I missed us too," Raven said quietly as she unfolded her legs and stood. "We never just talk anymore."

"It has been difficult for me," I murmured. "I am sorry I allowed it to affect our friendship."

"I know," she said, and I heard the soft cry of her raven.

Sighing again, I raised my head and watched the orange tones of the sunrise.

Truly, it was not Robin and my feelings for him which were troubling me, but my feelings for Beast Boy. I did not know what I felt for him, what I could feel for him, and I was afraid of hurting him too.

Heavy boots clumped up behind me and Cyborg grunted as he sat down beside me with one leg on each side of me. Placing a cup of tea beside me, he leant forward and put his chin on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me. "What's up?" he asked. "Tell ole Cy yer troubles."

"I am confused."

"What about?"

"Feelings."

"Ick. Can't help with those."

I smiled to acknowledge his attempt at humour, then rested my head against his.

"Didn't you have a nice date with BB last night?" Cyborg asked, sounding concerned. "Did he do somethin' wrong? I swear, if he hurt you-"

"No," I said quickly. "He did nothing wrong. I had a wonderful time. It is just..."

"Just what?"

"He wishes for another date."

"Ahh," Cyborg murmured sagely. "And you don't know?"

I shook my head. "Hence the confusion."

"Anything I can do?"

I sighed.

"Star, baby, you know I have a unique perspective on this. It's not happenin' to me, y'know. I'm outside the box."

I snuggled him. "I know."

"When Rob and Rae hooked up, I was so mad at them. They hurt you two so much. Rob, he led you on."

"No-"

Cyborg squeezed me. "He did. C'mon, did ya think I woulda teased him about the girlfriend thing if it wasn't a good bet that's where ya'd end up? I thought he'd just need a little promptin'."

"Oh..."

"Who wouldn't have loved the attentions of a pretty lady. But, he loves Raven. Can't rightly say when that happened, but it did. They tried to do the right thing and let ya'll know and you got hurt. And I hate that it's still hurtin' you, but I'm happy for them too. Puts me kinda a hard place."

"I am sorry." I never meant for him to be caught in the middle.

"Ain't your fault. I just wanna see you be happy too. I luv ya, lil' sister."

"I love you too."

"So, if I can help-"

"Cy, as much as I would like to, I believe I should probably speak to Beast Boy..."

Cyborg lifted his chin from my shoulder, then kissed the top of my head. "'kay. I'll be in the garage if you need me. And I'll know if ya'll went up to lover's lane."

I managed a half-hearted smile at that. Cyborg always managed to make me feel better, just with his hugs and being there. He knew I would speak to him when I was ready. Indeed, just from his hug and attention I felt so much more settled.

Speaking to Beast Boy seemed to be the only logical thing, truly. But I found I could not do that just yet. And the roof of the Tower did seem to be having a lot more traffic this early in the morning than I was used to, so I decided to float off the end and go for a walk down by the water.

I watched the ocean birds fly in the wind and walked along the water's edge. I looked the foam on the shore line and the various forms of life caught within the rock pool. Round and round and round the Tower, I just kept walking. I did not know why, I just felt the need to move.

I think I must have been going around for at least the tenth time when I heard the obstacle course being run. With a sigh, I wandered over to see who it was.

Robin. Of course. Everyone else had deemed it necessarily to check up on me, why not him as well.

I stood watching him for a long moment. A year ago, I would have done anything so we could be together. Now... I do not know. There was not a chance that we would ever be together, even if he and Raven separated, Beast Boy had been right when he said I would not be able to date him without hurting Raven. Even if he wanted me, which I was certain he did not.

I could not waste my life on him when I was clearly not what he wished for. I was a warrior, to do so would show weakness.

It was about time I stopped being so weak.

Robin stopped the course when he saw me, reaching for a towel.

"Hey Star," he said, towelling the sweat from his face. "Sleep well?"

"Yes, Robin," I lied. "Excuse me, I did not mean to interrupt you." I turned to head back down to the shore line.

A scattering of falling rocks and Robin bounded to my side. "Want some company?"

"Not particularly," I snapped.

He looked taken aback. "Harsh."

I soften my tone. "My apologies. I am most troubled."

"About Beast Boy."

Truly, I did not wish to speak to him about it. "I need to think."

"How was your date last night?"

"It was most pleasant. I enjoyed our time together."

"Really?" he blurted, then cringed. "I mean, that's great."

"You are surprised?"

"You and Beast Boy? Yup. Very. He's not your exactly type."

"I do not have a type."

Robin ran his hand through his hair. "Look, he's a nice guy, I'll give him that. If you like him, why not? It couldn't hurt and it might be good for you to date for a while. But does it have to be him?"

I stopped walking. "What's wrong with Beast Boy?"

"I'd hate to think you settled. Dating's about experimenting, trying different people, seeing if you're compatible. Learning if there's something there that can grow. You should date other guys, get yourself out there. Try someone outside the group. Team dynamics are sure to shift if you-"

"I beg your pardon," I asked, disbelievingly. "You are dating Raven. Is she or is she not our teammate?"

"Well, it's just that you're an emotional being, that's all, and-"

"My social life is none of your concern."

"Why are you snapping at me?" he asked, disbelieving. "I know I haven't been a very good friend to you lately, and I hate that we've drifted apart. I know me and Raven being together has affected you-"

"Contrary to what you might believe, my present state of mind has nothing to do with you."

His hand, previously reaching for my shoulder, dropped to his side. "Oh. Well. Good."

X'hal, he was so hard to read. Was he disappointed? "Robin, forgive me, but I do not wish to talk to you. At all. It is none of your business. I know you are trying to be a good friend, but you are overcompensating."

He chuckled. "I am. Sorry. I just don't want to see you hurt. Either of you."

"I can take care of myself."

"I know. I just... I always thought that you'd come to me before you started dating... and... you doing it on your own surprised me. Um... I'm just trying to say... I'm here if you need me. And I'm sorry I haven't been lately. If you want to date Beast Boy, I'm behind you all the way, as long as it's what you want."

I nodded. I as much as I hoped he was sincere, there was something... strange about his words. Rehearsed perhaps. "Thank you. I am just trying to determine what I wish to say to-" I turned my head and looked at the seagull waiting patiently on a rock watching me. "Beast Boy."

"Oh," Robin said. "Um..."

"Excuse me." I turned away from them both and headed back down to the water. I stood at its edge and wrapped my arms around myself.

Robin did not follow, but then I had not expected him to. Beast Boy did, and I had hoped that he would. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I am confused. And a little concerned at Robin's actions right then."

"He's just jealous."

"Why would he be jealous?" I asked.

Beast Boy scratched his ear as he perched on a rock above me. "It's an age old mentality and..." he paused. "Um... you probably don't wanna know."

I considered, kicking a small stone into the water. "Possibly, you are correct."

"He was right about one thing. Dating's about seeing if there's something there to grow. Trying it on for size. Taking a relationship for a test run. It doesn't have to become serious until later. When you're sure of your feelings."

I nodded. "Do you honestly think that you and I would be the fling? Something not serious?"

"No... I 'spose not."

I was silent, considering.

"I didn't mean to upset you this much, Star," Beast Boy said, remorseful. "Forget I said anything."

I turned to look at him, tucking my hair behind my ear as the wind tried to tug it across my face. "I do not think I wish to forget."

He regarded me, still squatting on the rock above me. "What do you wish to do?"

"I am uncertain." I sighed. "Beast Boy, you are correct. I do need to move on from Robin. My attachment to him is most detrimental."

He grinned. "Good to hear it."

"However. I..." I shifted my weight from foot to foot. "I am afraid."

"Of what?"

I dropped my eyes and blinked back tears. "I am afraid of what may happen. I fear that I may do the using of you to move beyond Robin and I do not wish to. You are my dear friend and I do not wish to see you hurt."

Rocks shifted, then I felt his hands on my arms. "I'm a big boy now, Star. I can handle it."

"But-"

"I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. But at least I know what I'm getting in for," Beast Boy said.

"I gave him my heart," I said. "And he did not give me his in return. I was young and stupid and ignorant of Earthen ways and it is now this shrivelled up husk and I do not know if I have anything left to give you."

Beast Boy chuckled and I looked up to see why he was laughing. He lifted both his hands from my shoulders to wave them at me. "Green thumbs. I can make anything grow."

I gave him a teary smile.

"C'mere." Beast Boy wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest to hug me. It was only because I was standing downhill from him that he was able to do so without my bending down. I wrapped my arms around his back and rested my cheek on his chest to listen to his fluttery heartbeat. As he stroked my back, he murmured, "You know, most of your concern seems to be for me."

"It is."

"So... does that mean you like me?"

"I love you."

"More than a friend?"

I snuggled into his chest a little deeper. He made me feel safe and warm and loved and it was more than friendship. But I did not know what I felt in return. "I do not know," I said, offering him honesty. It was all I had to give.

"Do you wanna find out?"

I lifted my head from his chest so I could look at him. He brushed my cheek with his thumb and then tucked my hair behind my ear.

There was something there that yearned, fluttered away inside me as he looked at me, that was happiest when it was with him. Enough to grow into more if it was nurtured. Enough to want to try. But more importantly, I wanted to nurture it, help it grow and I wanted to do it with him.

Just not yet. It would not be very fair to either of us. There was something I needed to do first. Something that would be incredibly hard and painful for all of us, but I would be a better person from it. Then perhaps I would have something more to offer than a shrivelled husk. "Gar... I cannot."

His arms slackened around me.

"It is not that I do not love you more than a friend," I hurried to explain. "Nor that I cannot see the potential between us. I can. And there is a part of me which wants to discover if there is more."

He swallowed. "But?"

"I have spent the last year pining over him. I do not think it would be very fair to either of us to start something right now. I need... to remember myself."

He swallowed again and nodded. "I can understand that." He tightened his arms around me again and I felt him kiss my forehead. "Geez, can I pick 'em or what?"

I held onto him tightly, taking and giving comfort. "I am so sor-"

He shifted his grip on me, his cheek on my head. "Babe, nothing to apologise for. You're doing the right thing. The smart thing."

"You will be okay?"

"Yup."

I was not sure if he was lying in an attempt to make me feel better or if he meant it. I sighed and held onto him, gathering my courage. "Gar?"

"Yeah?"

"Please understand, what I do next has absolutely no reflection upon you."

Beast Boy stiffened. "What?"

I left the Titans. Packed all my belonging into a bag. I went to College and withdrew from my classes and had my records ready to be transferred to a different College. I called all the girls in my defence class and apologised for the short notice but I could not continue.

Within a week, I had chosen a new city where I thought I could make a name for myself. Jade City, a sister city to Jump. Far enough away that I could be on my own, but close enough so that I could visit the Tower.

I rented a little apartment in the city centre on the top floor of the building, high enough so I could look over everything. Cyborg helped me set up cameras and alarms of my own, so I could help the people of Jade City.

My new home consisted of two bedrooms, one for me, one for guests for I felt certain that Cyborg and Beast Boy would be regular visitors. A little kitchen, a cosy living area. A place to call my own.

Then I gathered Silkie in my arms, kissed them all goodbye and left.

Cyborg understood, although he was upset. I did not blame him.

Raven wept.

Robin was both guilty and angry. I think he blamed himself for my departure. I worried that he would blame Beast Boy, but he did not appear to.

Beast Boy watched me, smiled and wished me luck.

And I stepped into my new life.

Author's Note:

Part of Robin's 'problem' is a very common teenage mentality. "I don't want to date you, but I don't want anyone else to either." But he is trying very hard not to allow that to effect him and be a good friend. Just saying.