Alvin decided to break the rules by making some. He had the family smartphone as he relaxed on the couch. Brittany came over from the scrabble game on the coffee table.

"I see they're winning, huh?" Alvin said.

"They can tell by the ink imprint what letters they have," she replied. "And yes, they are winning."

"Are they cheating?" Alvin asked.

"No, they are sticking with the seven-letter rule and are still coming out with words our English teacher wouldn't know," Brittany replied, fixing her ponytail. "What are you doing?"

"Writing rules for the babysitter," Alvin replied.

"Are these for your benefit?" she asked.

"Kinda," he replied. "It is how to deal with my brothers."

"Cool," she replied. "I will join you and add my sisters."

21. Please don't ask Jeanette read to you

Eleanor: But I fall asleep faster

Brittany: She considers a physiology textbook a bedtime story

Theodore: It's not as bad as Simon's bedtime stories. I guess they work, though

Alvin: We got applied astrophysics last night

Eleanor: We got Tolstoy*

Theodore: I like that idea better. It's more interesting than applied astrophysics

Brittany: The names are so confusing! And there's so much talk

Alvin: Was it War and Peace? Simon read that to us once, and we were like why are you reading it in frickin' Russian? The book is in English

Eleanor: Brittany, your description could describe any Russian novel made in the 19th century

22. Ignore Jeanette and Simon when they read

Alvin: They read aloud to make up for their crappy eyesight

Brittany: If you sit down to listen for a few minutes, you will find that they are not reading in English

Theodore: I went to ask Simon about something, but he was in an important part of his book

Eleanor: How did you know it was an important part if you couldn't understand him?

Theodore: He had the leave me alone, I'm reading expression on his face. I also got a few scratches

23. Buy circular combination locks for the kitchen cabinets

Eleanor: You betrayed us!

Theodore: Why do we need those?

Brittany: So you two won't eat like pigs

Eleanor and Theodore: Hey! That hurt our feelings

Brittany: Do you eat like pigs or guinea pigs?...Probably real pigs**

Theodore: ^crying^

Jeanette: Brittany, be nice to them

24. Do not let Simon and Jeanette shop on Ebay

Jeanette and Simon: Why? They have great finds

Alvin: You bought like a gallon of Civil War sedative***

Simon: We needed it for an experiment

Alvin: Yeah, it was the let's see how long it takes to kill Alvin with inhalants experiment

Simon: If you mock us again, I may have to suffocate you with WD-40, or Fabreeze, depending on what we have in the house. Maybe Pine-Sol can work if we are out of either of those

25. Eleanor and Theodore are not allowed to cook unless Dave is home

Eleanor: Why?

Brittany: You fell on the burner and had to go to the vet. You also couldn't get up, which is pretty hard for you two on a regular day

Eleanor: I can get up

Brittany: Both of you, try doing it from a prone position

^several minutes later^

Alvin: They can only do it if they roll on their backs and sit first, but they looked like they were out of breath after

26. They should also be banned from buffets

Eleanor: This is unfair. It's the one place I can eat as much as I want without judgement

Theodore: And it's less expensive compared to if we order entrees

Brittany: Ugh, why did we think that the Chinese buffet was a good idea again?

Alvin: Because Dave wanted to save money on dinner

Simon: Financially, it makes more sense, health-wise, not so much

Jeanette: They should be allowed to eat in peace, Brittany. We do not go out to dinner too often

Brittany: For that exact reason. We are asked to leave often because those two eat like pigs. Real pigs would not have to be asked to leave as often as us

27. Take Simon or Jeanette's glasses if they are being too dorky

Brittany: That's enough, Alvin!

Eleanor: You broke rule 2

Alvin: I'm saving everyone from dying of boredom

Simon: I am not that boring

Alvin: Yes you are

Simon: Remember when I programmed the QR scanner in the smartphone to scan words with voice assist

Alvin: But you did it for like all of the alphabets

Simon: It only reads, it does not translate. It is quite helpful when I have to respond to all of our fanmail

Alvin: Isn't most of it online

Jeanette: ^comes in room^ No, only our American and British ones are. We have to pick up the rest of the letters at the end of the day from the post office, then reply to them all within a few days

Alvin: ^takes Simon and Jeanette's glasses^ How much do we get?

Simon: An average of 200 on a slow day. 500 is more typical, although without my glasses, today's mail will be answered late! I will tell Dave about this, so you get the proper blame by the record company

Jeanette: He won't hire someone else to even help us. Be nice Alvin

28. Quality time with siblings is not a thing in this house

Eleanor: I think helping Jeanette when she's upset is quality time

Simon: Why is consoling a sibling not quality time?

Alvin: Because that means I, um...we can't have fun

Simon: I am certain that you are the only one who finds your own shenanigans fun

Alvin: If Theodore's willing to help me, he's having fun. Right?

Simon: I know that he only wants the snacks you offer, so he'll do your dirty work for them

29. We are banned from Barnes and Noble. Or any bookshop with a cafe for that matter

Alvin: Simon thinks their textbook section is a library

Jeanette: Owning textbooks is expensive. Our local library does not have any

Alvin: So you join him?

Jeanette: Yes

Brittany: Eleanor and Theodore try to get a catering order form the cafe because it would be cheaper

Simon: We do not even like coffee

Brittany: The catering order is for pastries

Eleanor: But Tatnuk's are the best****

30. Group sing-alongs to the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album are banned

Alvin: Why? It's very fun

Brittany: We can never sing the same track

Jeanette: There's nothing you can't be done

Eleanor: Nothing you can sing that can't be sung

Alvin: Look at the girl with the sun in her eyes, and she's gone

Eleanor: Lovely Rita, meter maid, won't you come and join me

Simon: Got up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head

Alvin: We're Sgt. Pepper's lonely hearts club band, I hope you will enjoy the show

Theodore: You in the garden, digging the weeds, who could ask for more?

Brittany: They are actually worse than the Beatles at this, and I thought the last part of All You Need Is Love was bad

*I used the standard transcription to make the name recognizable, but Anglicisation really messes it up. The proper transcription is Lyov Nikoláyevich Tolstóy (pronounced tolst-oi, not tols-toy). The middle portion is a patronymic, which is also used by the Greeks. My mother has a patronymic in her maiden name. The author mentioned is Russian, hence the statement shortly after that, as his works were originally published in his native tongue.

**I had to make a guinea pig joke again. Guinea pigs eat for 21.5 hours out of a 24 hour day, and cannot go for three hours before dying of starvation. Real pigs can wait for their meals. As mean as it sounds, I use you eat like a pig or you're such a pig as an endearment to my guinea pig. Brittany's comparison is with quantity and not frequency, as done colloquially, therefore her conclusion is actual pigs, miniature ones being about having 30x the body weight as an average guinea pig. As the larger animal, real pigs eat more in quantity. I used the term "real" because actual pig is an insult related to the phrase eat like a pig.

***Chloroform, or chloroform hydrochloride, is an early inhalant sedative. It is known today for its high fatality threshold and extensive use during the American civil war in the 1860s. You can actually buy it on Ebay, no joke.

****Tatnuk bookseller is a smaller regional chain in the New England region of the US.