The morning
Three hours passed by in complete silence. To fast for Sophie´s taste. She wished minutes would last longer. Benny only had caressed her hair. But she hungered for more. She wanted to be held by him. And feel his warmth around her. Lay her head on his shoulder, and hear him evenly breath. He was the only comfort she had left. Of course she would want these things and more. But Benny who once made her feel more wanted, more cared for and more loved, failed. The man who improved father and daughter´s relationship, failed.
But she didn´t blame him. Because she thought, she had no right to ask him anyhow. No right to want anything from him or anyone else. So she build a wall around herself. A wall she did not realize she build. It made it harder for them to help her, she knew that. But Sophie didn´t want any help. She had to go alone through that. Something she believed had no other way. Not only would it be selfish to ask. It would be selfish to need. That´s what she thought. And if Sophie believed in anything, she held on it tight.
" I´m going today...you and I...we both need more stuff..." Benny said unsure. Unsure if he should have had mention it to her at all. Unsure of what her reaction might be. Because he feared that she would panic again. Like yesterday evening. Freak out and beg Benny not to leaver her alone. But she didn´t respond and he began to worry. What happened yesterday, was never going to happen again she promised herself. Now that her father was gone she had to be strong for herself.
For Benny it felt like, he lost not only Dean but Sophie too. Seeing her in great pain, losing herself from day to day gathered an unimaginably pain in him. He wished he could do something. Anything. But he wasn´t her father. That´s what he told himself over and over. To ease the pain. After minutes of silence and no response, Benny stood up and headed to the kitchen. To prepare the breakfast. Since the day the moved in with father and daughter, Benny made the breakfast. And there was no objection. From neither of them.
The first to wake up was Avery. Like ever morning, she made hot chocolate for Sophie. And every morning, Sophie refused to touch it. Sophie loved hot chocolate in the mornings. Everday her father would make her a little cup with a pinch of cinnamon. And now these couple of days, Avery made it for her. That´s the least any of them could do. But not even that helped. "There must be something we could do." Avery sight. Speaking silently so that Sophie couldn´t hear them, while preparing breakfast. " We can´t. " Benny whispered. I can´t he meant to say. I´am unable to help her.
The restless nights were making Sophie tired and weak. But she could not sleep. Her mind was clouded. Never keeping silent. Her body could barley stand without holding on to something. Yet she could not sit. Her eyes felt heavy but closing them, made her see her father´s face. She acted very emotionally and aggressive. Arguing most of the time. She had no appetite. Whatever Benny laid in front of her, she refused to eat. Or she would take a few bites and puke it out. Cause her stomach couldn´t digest the food properly.
Whenever Sophie passed by a mirror, she made halt and walked back. She looked at herself, for several minutes, and remembered her eight years old self. And saw no difference in who she is now and who she had been once. Helpless. Scared. Alone. Her father had been almost a stranger, she had to live with. It had taken her months. Long painful months too slowly start to accustom in her new life. That father was gone now. And left was a little girl. A scared, helpless little girl. Who was not alone but felt alone.
The breakfast went silent. Like every other morning, since her father´s death. And every other meal. Just a Can you pass me the butter, please ? What ya doing today ? I couldn´t sleep. Meaningless chatter to fill the silence. To make it seem like nothing happened. That everything is normal. But it wasn´t and it would never be. Not for me Sophie repeated in her head. They might have forgotten him but not me. I won´t. Never. But those meaningless words were for Sophie. In truth there was nothing to say. Absolutely nothing.