Chapter 2

What to Do?

"So, are they going to fire you?"

"I don't know Bella. There is going to be a formal investigation. They had better not fire me."

"Why not, you deserve to be fired Jacob?" That just made him angry. He gave me a look of pure hatred. Why? I didn't know. If it was anyone else, he would have said that they deserved to be fired but, because it's him he is somehow immune?

"Have there been others?"

"What do you mean Bella?"

"Have you had other affairs?" By the look on his face I could tell I did not want the answer but, I begged for it anyway. "Jacob, if you have had other affairs, and you don't tell me about them right now, when I find out I will leave and take the kids no questions asked."

"Yes."

"When and who?" "Tanya. When you were pregnant with EJ, and for a while after he was born, I was meeting with her before or after work sometimes. When I told you I was going to be out of town, sometimes we would meet up and stay in a hotel."

"Did you have sex with her?"

"Yes"

"How long was it going on?"

"Six or eight months, I think."

"She was married to Jake how could you? I asked you about her too. I knew something was going on and you denied it. Can't you ever tell the truth?"

"She was not happy and you were pregnant and not paying attention to me. I was lonely and so was she."

"I was sick Jacob. I had toxemia and was on bed rest. I was not even supposed to be having sex. I was seriously ill for hell sake. And after he was born, you know it was suppose to be six weeks before we could have had sex. None of that was my fault."

"I know but, I was lonely Bella."

"Oh, and I was so happy stuck at home on bed rest with a toddler running around getting into everything. I was sick with headaches, high blood pressure, and swollen legs lying in bed trying to prevent harm from coming to myself or our unborn son." He just looked at me. He knew what he did was wrong. I know he did. But, he didn't say anything. "EJ is two and a half years old Jacob. You have been cheating on me for almost three years and worse than that I have asked you about both of these women. You had every chance to fess up and you didn't. You called me a crazy jealous bitch any time I would ask about them. You have lied over and over for the past three years. I don't think that I could ever trust you again."

"Are you even sorry Jake?"

"Of course I am sorry."

"Sorry you did it or sorry you got caught?"

"Sorry I did it. I am really sorry Bella. I know what I did was wrong but, I can't change that now. What are you going to do? Don't leave me please. It won't happen again."

By this time I was on the floor sobbing I didn't know where to go from there. Did I leave him? Get a divorce? Stay and try to forgive him? Would he do it again? Would he lose his job? So many questions running through my mind and he wanted to know if I was going to leave. I did not know the answers to any of the questions running through my head especially the one that he wanted the answer to. I had always said that I would leave if he ever cheated but, somehow now that we had children it was not so cut and dry.

"Do you still want to take the kids to San Diego? I mean, we can still go right?"

"Well, Jacob we already promised the kids this trip to San Diego. We have already paid for it. We can't take that away from them now. I am not going to punish our children for something you did. I don't know about our future right now Jake I can't give you that answer but, I will play nice for this trip. I need time to think about what I want I will let you know when we get home from California what I want. I need to get out of this house and away from you for a while. I can't look at you right now."

That night I went to the bar for the first time in my life. I was twenty six years old and had never stepped foot into a bar. I had never even had a drink but, I really needed something to take my mind off what was happening. I walked in and sat at a table next to the stage where a country band was playing Your Cheating Heart. How appropriate. I ordered a long island ice tea and watched the band play.

I became lost in my thoughts of how my marriage had ended up this way. I knew we had our problems; every marriage does. For the most part we got along pretty well and I thought we were happy. The only times we really fought, were when I caught him sexting random girls. Now, I know that sexting is a type of cheating and that it is wrong but, he promised that he had quit doing that more than two years before this. He also promised that he would never and didn't ever cheat. He said that even though he did not consider it cheating, that he wouldn't be sexting, women ever again. Now that I look back though I should have seen the signs and listened to my gut because, I knew something was wrong and I knew that it was much more serious than just some dirty texts. Apparently everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. He went from sexting right into two separate affairs one of which lasted eight months and the other one was probably going to cost our family everything.

I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to look at him because, I felt sick even thinking about him. All I could think was how, could he do this to us. He was willing to risk everything we had for a freaking blow job. I mean he didn't even really like the girl but, she was just young and pretty and willing to suck him off. Did I mention that she was twenty and that she was a dispatchers' daughter. I bet that dispatcher is super happy with Jacob. She even knew that he was married to me. I know because, I met her once. Now that I think about it, when I met her, it was probably after everything had started between the two of them. She was on a ride along with him; he brought her over to introduce her when he was picking up some snacks that I had made for officers at the station. Why did I not listen to my gut and force him to tell me the truth.

It was getting late and I had been sitting in that bar for over four hours. I had a few drinks when I first got to the bar but, I was sober now. I left the bar, got in my car and started driving around. I was too numb and upset to drive around for very long so I went home and curled up on the couch in the living room. Numbness overtook me as I lay on the couch staring at the ceiling. My brain felt as if it were shutting down. I could not handle this. I cried myself to sleep that night. The hole in my chest felt as if it would consume me. How was I going to handle this San Diego trip and not let our children know that something was wrong?