Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story One: I'm Living in a Cave

Chapter Three: Love and Tank

"What do you think the meaning of life is?" asked Snot, leaning closer to Name. They were guarding the rooftop of the Red base and at least one of them had been enjoying the nice, calm silence before the other opened their mouth. "You know what I think it is?" continued Snot in his low tone that made him sound like a cow mooing. "I think the meaning of life is; paperclips. They're very ugly looking things, all bent and curved. They're easy to break and destroy their shape which makes them look even more ghastly and they hold together large piles of paperwork that you don't want to do. They use them to clip the toe-tags on dead people's toes when they die. It's like life; it's ugly, twisted, easy to destroy and bend out of shape and all it does is bring you lots of work that you don't wanna do anyway and you end up dead in the end." He paused and sighed. "Its life." he said simply and sunk into silence.

If Name could say any words at his disposal, he would pick out a few choice ones he'd been saving up for an opportunity like this. But now, at last, he could guard this roof with Snot in peace and qui-

"What do you think the meaning of paperclips are?" asked Snot. "Name?" he said several seconds later, but by then Name had already made his way downstairs and was walking towards the first hill. Name stood on the top and kept watch from there. At least two things had gotten better; he couldn't hear Snot talking anymore and he could see what was happening at the Blue base more clearly. The Commander and Phill had just pulled up in the jeep in front of the tank and were talking to Parts.

Parts was sweating inside his armour. If he didn't stop soon, he would surely drown. The Commander of all people had just arrived at a very awkward moment. Right now, he was sitting in the cockpit of the tank. Nothing suspicious about that, but that isn't actually the case.

"Nice Puma you got there." commented the nervous Parts about the jeep The Commander and Phill had just hopped out of.

"Fuck you!" drifted the voice of Enemy from the cave. How he heard that comment was and will remain a mystery.

"Thank you son." said The Commander, dusting his rifle. "Where are y-Oh, there you are!" He hadn't noticed Parts in the tank. "Private Parts, you're in the tank."

"You have no idea." whispered Parts under his breath.

"How are the repairs going? Working hard?"

"Yes sir, most definitely sir."

"She giving you any trouble?"

"What?" shouted Parts, almost standing but thinking it better not to. "How did you know?"

"How did I know what?" enquired The Commander.

"Oh, nothing." said Parts, shaking his head and acting obviously and suspiciously guilty about something. "Nothing at all."

"Can we take her for a spin?" asked Phill. "I'd really like to hop into that pit and give her a once-over."

"You get your own fucking tank!" shouted Parts before The Commander had a chance to insult Phill first. He would have thanked Parts for this if it weren't for the fact that he was acting very suspiciously.

"Do you mind turning her on for a moment?" he asked. "Just so we can see how she handles."

"I've already done that. Oh, y-you mean power? S-sure." stammered Parts. "Let me just..." he began flicking switches to warm up Sheila. The engine started but it wasn't quite the right pitch. It sounded almost like someone on helium miming a tank engine. It wasn't long at all before Parts realised it was Sheila giggling with delight. She soon broke out in laughter, obviously tickled by Parts' fiddling with the controls.

"Stop it!" she gasped. "That tickles. Do it like you did it before." Parts attempted to cough over that last part but failed miserably.

"Well, it looks like I'll have to make a few more checks before-" he said, hurriedly trying to divert the conversation but Phill beat him to it.

"Hold on a second." he said. "Is there something going on with you and this tank?"

"'You and this tank'?" scoffed an offended Sheila. "My name is Sheila and this is my hubby."

"Hubby?" exclaimed Phill.

"He was just giving me a touch up before you guys came." she continued. "Pity you did, he could have finished in time." The Commander and Phill stood in a stunned silence. That last statement was wrong in so many ways that their brains couldn't handle the whole wrong-ness of the entire situation. The next piece of information, they would soon discover, was one they could have lived without.

"Are you half naked in that cockpit?" queried The Commander cautiously as if Parts would prove it physically.

Parts was finding it difficult to answer; "Uhh...mmm...nnn...yes. Yes I am."

Phill leaned in closer to The Commander. "I think you can take it for a spin first, sir."

"Don't be mad with me sir." pined Parts desperately. "She's just a really nice girl and she understands me. You know I will always remain by your side in combat, take a bullet in the line of fire and hold your hand on the toilet. You'll find someone for yourself soon, don't you worry." None of this was getting through to The Commander. Phill at first thought that maybe his armour had rusted into place, he was standing so still. Sheila and Parts drove to the other side of the base for a bit of privacy.

"Sir, are you all right?" asked Phill. He was very concerned that The Commander had died of shock, but wasn't too relieved to hear him speak.

"Mother...fucking...bitch-face." he said simply.

Name wasn't doing much better from his hilltop. Everything he'd seen had caused him to go rigid, but his silence was just normal. Snot had just managed to find a sniper rifle lying handily yet dangerously on the floor. He picked it up and held it out to show Name.

"Look what I found." he said, somehow disappointed. Name wasn't turning around. "Name, look what I have."

Name turned and stared at Snot, somehow showing his shock over his helmet. Snot was slightly happy to see him so distressed.

"What is it?" he asked.

Name pointed to his eyes then to the great bulk in the distance that was the tank. Snot understood the message and looked through his scope. Everything seemed to be normal; the Blue base, Phill slapping a prone Commander, the tank and Parts inside it. Why is he pulling that lever so violently? He'll probably break it right off if he doesn't-

Slowly, Snot lowered the sniper rifle and pointed it towards the cliff side just in case he accidentally shot the rifle. What he had just seen made him hate this world even more. What made it worse was that he had seen it through the double zoom of the scope.

BANG!

The sniper rifle went off. Luckily, it was pointed at the cliff.

"Argh!" echoed the sound of Enemy's voice. "You fucking shot me!"

A week in action and he was shot by one of his own squad members. Snot of all of them. This was gonna bite his arse until the day he died, and then even more when his punishment in hell was to share a room with Snot. To make matters worse, The Commander was the only one who had a spare medical kit and had decided to join Enemy in the cave to help apply it. What he actually meant to say was 'bitch about Parts falling for a tank' which is exactly what he was doing now.

"How the hell could he fall for a tank?" roared The Commander. "I mean, it's a tank! Not a woman, not a porn mag, not a vibrator; a tank!"

"Maybe he just likes his women with a lot of trunk space." joked Enemy who was still in a lot of pain.

"This is no time to joke smart-arse!" insulted The Commander testily. "That beast has stolen one of my best men. It was supposed to be my tank! My bloody tank!"

"How the hell could Snot hit me without aiming?" Enemy asked himself but received no answers from The Commander.

"She's a freaking cougar! He's way too young for her! I could see rust on her exhaust, and I wonder how long it's been since she's had that cleaned out!"

"Wasn't it gusty outside? That should've curved the bullet further east." questioned Enemy.

"I bet she's just got him there to do repairs. That's all these old tanks want now-a-days; repair jobs all round. Sure, they act all nice and lovey-dovey with their hooker names but once you get inside them, you can't get out. That's their real weapon! Not a cannon, but their voices. They use it to rattle our minds! I never heard anything like this coming from male tanks, they're respectable!"

"I can't even see the entrance from here!" said a confused Enemy. No matter which way he looked at it, there just didn't seem to be a way that Snot could have shot him.

"Can you stop focusing on your problems for one second?" complained The Commander, finally acknowledging Enemy. "This is a real emergency!"

"Oh yes, because bullet wounds aren't deadly at all!"

"It's only a fucking graze! Be a man, bit your lip and swear frequently under your breath until a scab forms!" The Commander paused, catching his breath. "He was my Private, my suck-up...and he had to go and steal my tank. What do you think I should do?"

"I can only tell you your problem because you don't know what it is." said Enemy, turning to The Commander.

"Bullshit, I know my problem. It's...uhh...Parts. He's got my tank."

"Wrong."

"I am never wrong; I'm a commanding officer, I'm always right. Right armed, right winged, right stuff. I'm fucking hung to the right!"

"Too much sir, too much." said Enemy, shaking the image from his head. "But rank doesn't cut the cheese this time. Your real problem isn't with Parts stealing your tank; it's the tank stealing your Parts."

The Commander whimpered slightly. "He was my Private Parts." He sat down next to Enemy, sniffing his nose. "I didn't even get to slap him around as much as I wanted."

"You want your Private Parts back, don't you?"

"Yes."

"He was the first one who really appreciated you, wasn't he?"

The Commander was on the verge of tears. "I just don't know what to do!" he moaned, falling over the edge. He cried and cried, shooting the cave with his rifle. "He was my Parts!" he shouted as he showered the walls with bullets. Enemy just closed his eyes and hoped he didn't get another wound. Thankfully, The Commander ran out of ammunition and rested his gun on his lap. "What do I do?"

"I'll tell you a little story." said Enemy to the disappointment of you, the reader. Just because I know how tired you are of characters engaging conversations with long, boring storied from their past which you know nothing about, I will try to narrow it down as much as possible and put as many immature jokes in there as possible.

The edited version of Enemy's story was as follows; "Before I joined up with Command, I was living in this small town. Erckville or Murckville or some bogus name that sounded like it was from a Tim Burton film. There was this girl and my God she was hot. So hot that whenever I thought about her...whoa...I got a mother of a boner. Anyway-Argh!"

"Your wound?" asked The Commander, checking for bleeding.

"No, I just got a boner. It's sticking into my armour." said Enemy, shifting his body a little. "That's better. So, she was there, I was there and the sexual tension between us was off the scales, but I decided to wait a while until I settled in. Five days later; I catch her with my best friend having sex in my bed."

"Damn, that's tough." agreed The Commander. "What'd you do to him?"

"Who?"

"Your best friend?"

"Oh. no." corrected Enemy. "My best friend was a woman."

The Commander was confused. "So what did you do?"

"I joined in." Enemy chuckled cheekily to himself, loving the story he told and feeling so happy that it was true. Even though it wasn't. The Commander on the other hand wasn't so much as thrilled as he was annoyed.

"How the hell does that help me?"

Snot gazed around the Red base, the sunlight glaring at him. He had been given a mission, about the most important and only mission he had ever received during his time in Blood Gulch. It was simple but it was vital to the boredom of his fellow squad members. His mission; count to ten and seek the other members of his team from their hiding places.

"You know," he droned to thin air, "I was always very good at hide and seek. Not the seeking bit, but I was an expert at the hiding. No matter where I hid I was never found."

"That's because no one wanted to find you!" shouted the voice of Phill. He had gotten tired of watching inter-elemental relationships at the Blue base so he decided to enjoy the immense amount of fun at the Red base. Unfortunately, he had been kidding himself. "Hurry up and find us already, my legs are getting cramped kneeling behind this boulder."

"What's the point of playing this game and trying to find you when the only hiding places are behind those two rocks?"

Phill paused. "You still don't know which one of us is behind which rock." he explained. "Guess who's behind which rock. Come on, it'll be fun."

"I highly doubt that." sighed Snot. "Anything concerning a lack of imagination and me is considered to be agonising at the very least."

"Just get on with it and you can hide next!"

"But how do I say which rock is which?" posed Snot.

Phill poked his head up from behind the rock to the right and began running to Snot. "For fucks sake!" he cursed as he reached the annoying Private. He turned and faced the rocks. "Right, that one is left," he pointed to the right rock, "and that one is right." he pointed to the left rock. "Got it?"

"Well, no." admitted Snot. "You got your left and right mixed up."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I-Anyway! Never mind that then! We'll just say that the one I was behind is one and the one Name is behind is two. Okay?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't help Name much, does it?"

"What do ya mean?"

"He's over there, he probably didn't hear us."

"Fine." Phill turned to the left rock. "Name, your rock is number two!" he paused, seeing if Name understood. He didn't. "No, not toilet number two! Just a regular number two! Don't take a shit behind there, what if I wanna swap?"

"I think swapping is out of the question now." commented Snot.

"Your rock is called number two! Do ya get me?"

Name stood up from behind his rock, glared at Phill for a moment, then hid behind it again.

"Yeah, right, good. You do that you pudgy, mime-ie bastard." He turned back to Snot. "Problem with that?"

"Meh." whined Snot. Phill sighed. "It's not so much me who has the problem as it might be you."

"Me?" exclaimed Phill. "How could I have a problem with it?"

"Well, you could have difficulty with the numbers."

"What the fuck kinda problem can I have with them? It's simple; one, two! It doesn't need a slide rule or a fucking compass. It's just two numbers."

"Left and right are two directions...and you still managed to stuff them up." Phill paused, shocked at how good a point Snot had just made. He hated that. Now he had to think of some way to identify each rock, and the idea came. He turned, took out his pistol and shot Name's rock. He turned back to Snot.

"One with bullet, one without." he sneered. "I hope you got that, otherwise we'll make you a hiding object and I'll be very happy identifying you using the turret on the back of the Puma. Got it?"

"Yep."

"Good." And with that, Phill turned and walked back to his rock. Along the way, he spied Name standing up from his crouched position, shooting a death stare right at him. Phill quickly hid behind his rock again as Snot slowly and numerically incorrectly counted to ten. "Come on," he whispered across to Name, "how else was I supposed to get him off my back?"

Name didn't reply. At least, not with words.

"I didn't actually shoot you, did I?"

Name still didn't reply.

"You would have done the same thing."

Name still didn't reply.

"Be thankful he's-Argh, screw it!" ended Phill who turned away from Name.

Name, who didn't say anything just to piss Phill off, decided that he had achieved that goal and ducked back down behind his rock.

As you may have noticed, that little bit between Phill and Name took longer than ten seconds to get through and was more than enough time for Snot to turn around and see Name standing behind his rock. Thankfully, everyone at Blood Gulch is terrible at numbers, so they were taking an awful risk playing hide and seek; the seeker could be counting to ten for hours. Phill was actually quite lucky in that he guessed two came after one. Anyway, it was now that Snot finished counting and turned around. "Hmm..." he teased, hating this game and wanting the others to remain hidden forever. "Where...could...they..." he paused for effect, "...be?" Phill sighed, he knew what Snot was up to. "They're just so good at hiding, I don't think I could ever find them."

"Hurry up!" shouted Phill.

"They must be experts at this game, I could never guess where they are. Are they in the base?"

"You know we're out here, you jackass!"

"Could they have snuck back to the Blue base?"

"Not while our friend over there is getting their fix...and the tank as well."

"Perhaps they've gone to see how Enemy is dealing with his injury."

"No, we thanked you for that. Now hurry up and find us. Don't make me shoot you too!"

"But even if they had," continued Snot, even more loudly, "I might never find them-"

"I'll do it!"

"-because they're so great at staying hidden-"

"Shut up!"

"-that I'll never fi-" Phill opened fire on Snot who danced around the bullets as they impacted near his feet. "All right! What the fuck? Cut it out!"

"Dance!" shouted Phill in a western accent. "Come on, mother fucker!" He reloaded almost as fast as he does in bed and began shooting again. "Come on runt! You can dance better than that!" At the end of his second clip, he decided to conserve ammunition for later when he could actually shoot Snot. The Private in question huffed and sighed at his failure to die because of his will to live. Still, this wasn't the way he wanted to go, so he pointed at the rock to the left.

"Bullet hole rock! Name, you're behind it! You're in!" he stammered quickly before jogging away from Phill and almost diving behind Name's rock.

Name didn't take too kindly to that, so he knocked him out from behind cover. Snot scrambled back behind the rock and Name left, walking back to Snot's counting area. He shot another death glare at Phill who didn't notice. Phill thought it was a glare of thanks.

"No problem," he said quite wrongly as it obviously was for Name, "I just had to get rid of him. Sure you don't mind." he added and knelt calmly behind his unscathed rock.

Name stopped and started counting...so, as you can guess, there was a long pause of silence.

"How will we know when he's done?" asked Snot. "He doesn't talk anymore."

"We'll find out when he-" began Phill but was interrupted by the loud gunfire originating from Name's rifle. Phill decided to take cover, realised he was already behind cover, and wished that Snot had been here so he could take cover behind him. Name continued showering the rock with bullets with such ferocity that he was being pushed back by the recoil. After ten seconds of shooting, Name released the trigger and waited.

Slowly, and with slightly wetter pants, Phill emerged from his rock, panting and staring incredulously at the calm Name, his rifle still pointed at the rock. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" asked Phill politely.

Name had only one reaction; he pointed with his rifle at the rock face.

Phill turned around to see the words 'FOUND YOU BITCH' written in bullet form on the rock. How Name had managed to do this as neatly and accurately as he had was beyond Phill. He turned back to Name who simply nodded at him. He'd found Phill.

"How exactly does this work?" asked Parts. It had only just occurred to him that Sheila was a tank; a machine, a vehicle. The only riding that should be involved is the type where you use a seatbelt. Everything was fine, no doubt about that. They were great at talking, she was brilliant at listening and he didn't have to stand up to fellas who hit on her because she could run them over or use her cannon. The only thing that was nagging him at the back of his head was the fact that the only physical interaction they'd had so far was sitting in the cockpit and she would make pleasurable noises while he flicked switches and turned knobs. This seemed slightly disconcerting. How much further could they take it? "I mean, do I put it in your exhaust pipe?"

"I'm battery operated." she replied.

"So was my last girlfriend, but at least I knew what went where." commented Parts. They both thought about this. Unfortunately, he thought too much about it and came up with his; "Are you one of those transvestite tanks who has the female voices? I ask because of the cannon; it just seems too much like a whang, you know? Do you misfire?"

"No, I'm definitely a woman." assured Sheila, a little insulted. "Besides, what would I be without my cannon?"

"More of a female substitute." answered Parts. He soon regretted this five seconds later when he shat himself after Sheila shot a cylinder off loudly. "I'm sorry, baby." he patted her hood soothingly. "We'll just have to work through it. Think of the children."

"We can't have children."

"God, why is it always about what you want?" snapped Parts. He hopped off her and stalked off a few metres away.

"Hey, come on!" called Sheila. "I want children some day, just not with you. Mainly because it's physically impossible."

"I'm sorry." apologised Parts, turning around. "I guess I'm a little torn; on one hand there's you and on the other hand there's The Commander and my duty to him. How do I choose?"

"Does he have sex with you?"

"I'm hoping he'll put out eventually."

"There you go!" confirmed Sheila. "No sex, no sale."

Parts considered this. "But...we can't have sex either."

"Hey, when did this become all about sex, huh? You need to think about the important aspects of this; emotions, the situation, spare parts."

"I just wish he was more aware of me and my needs. Sometimes I think he doesn't even acknowledge my existence."

"I can run him over for you." suggested Sheila.

"I want him to notice me, not be a 2D character."

"Why not get both?"

"Sheila, no running over The Commander."

"All I'm saying is that a few tread marks will get him to notice you real good." Sheila moaned, tired of talking about this. "You should make a decision now. And when you do, launch into it with some drastic action. Be impulsive about it so you can be really sure you want it."

"Fine. I've done it." said Parts proudly.

"Wow, that was quick. So, what is it?"

"I want to marry you, Sheila." announced Parts. Sheila was shocked, all of her valves had sprung a leak. "I thought about it while you were talking about the important parts of a relationship. I don't know, I wasn't listening, but," he continued, "it'll be fun. We can rent a cave all of our own and I can engineer a small tank family for us with cannons in their chests and a rotatable head that can spin three-sixty degrees. What do ya think?"

"I think..."began Sheila, "...that this...is...the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me." She began to get caught up in the excitement. "Yes, I will marry you!" she said ecstatically, firing more shells into the air.

"Rest assured, nothing major will happen between them." assured Enemy. "Do you know what you have to do?"

"Yeah." said The Commander confidently. "I need...to ask you what to do."

Enemy sighed and turned back to him. "You say that you're his commanding officer and that he must listen to you no matter what."

"Should I?"

"Why not? It's true."

"Right, I forgot that." The Commander had another thought. "But what if he ignores me?"

"Then you grab your Private Parts and tell him that he can't ride in your tank!" enthused Enemy. "Pull him outta there and stand your ground! Be a man! Who the man?"

"No," complained The Commander, "I don't wanna-"

"Who the man?"

"I'm the man." said The Commander.

"Who the man?"

"I'm the man."

"Who the man?"

"I'm the man!"

"Are you the man, Commander? Are you the man?"

"Fuck yeah!" And he punched Enemy square in the face. The Commander got back to his feet, feeling much better about the situation.

"Thanks a lot, Corporal." he thanked. "I suppose I should help treat your wound, it's been in free flow for quite a while."

"I knew that," slurred Enemy, "I was just wondering if you knew why the Easter Bunny was eating Budda in the corner over there." he nodded to Snot's corner but The Commander saw no one.

"Right." he said simply. "Where were you shot again?"

"Just below the waist." informed Enemy. "Hey, where are you going?"

The Commander had just started leaving the cave. He tossed the medical kit in front of Enemy. "I'm out." he said simply. "I'll follow any man into combat, but this is one mission I will not partake."

"But I don't know how to apply the medication!" complained Enemy. "What do I do?"

"I don't know!" shouted The Commander from outside. "Try walking over it!" and he left.

Enemy thought about this for a moment. He then decided to stand and walk over the medical kit. It worked.