The next few hours passed in a blur. Ryan's words were on repeat inside her head. 'We found something.' Those three words had stopped her in her tracks. There was no question of what case that 'something' pertained to.
"Get down here now" was the only other thing he said before the line went dead. She felt her heart hammering in her chest.
She was scared of what this 'something' could mean. Even after three years she still had nightmares. She dreamed of him lying dead in an alley, just like her mother. Some nights he was being tortured. Endlessly in pain and she could do nothing to help him. Those were the worst. In those not only did she have to feel his pain, but she came face to face with the reality that she didn't honestly know what had happened.
He could be alive. He could have died cold and alone. He could have waited days and days for her to come and find him. But she never did.
On those nights, the nights when she woke up on a scream dripping in sweat, the only thing that would calm her down were her girls. She would creep up the stairs and down the hall. First, she would open Alexis' door. The girl had decided to stay in the loft for the foreseeable future. She was in med school now, but she couldn't bear the thought of leaving her family. Once Kate was satisfied the girl was sleeping soundly she would move on to the next door.
Most nights she just stared at her little girl. In sleep she looked like a little angel. Kate would sit for hours by her side and watch her deep breathing. Remind herself why she had stopped and why she didn't need to know. On especially hard nights, when she couldn't bear to sleep alone, she would crawl in beside her baby and wrap herself around the sleeping girl. There she could always sleep soundly. With her little family surrounding her she never questioned her choices.
For the first almost year of Johanna's life she slept in the Master bedroom with Kate. At first it was for convenience. Walking up and down the stairs ever few hours just to feed her was just too much. Eventually it was just too hard. Kate wanted to always be near her little girl. Her silent little girl who might need her at any minute. And if she was being honest. Kate needed her close, it was like a security blanket.
The nursery was beautiful. It was done in shades of pink and purple. There was a round crib in the center of the room and gorgeous furniture to match. It was used frequently. All of her clothes and toys were up there. However, she didn't start sleeping there until she was almost too old for the crib!
Martha had convinced her that she needed to take back her room and her sleep. It had been hard, but with a little bit of cleaning and a few freak outs in the middle of the night at there being no baby or crib beside her crib. But eventually she reclaimed her space. Their space.
It became clear that sleeping alone in the big empty bed was just too much. Every night she undressed and slipped into one of Rick's old shirts. She took great care to ensure that they always smelt like him. She used his cologne and washing detergent on them and his pillowcases. It wasn't exactly him. It was missing a hint of something she couldn't place but it was close enough.
And now something had changed. She could feel it. Was he dead? Was she going to face a body? Could he be out there somewhere? He couldn't have been missing this long and still be alive! Could he?
A slap on the knee brought her out of her thoughts and she realized that she was sitting on the foyer floor. Two frantic and scared looking eyes bore into her. Jo was clearly frightened by her mother's sudden change.
Kate realized just how hard she was breathing and just how lost in her head she had truly been. She hadn't had a panic attack in years.
"Oh, no sweetie. It's okay. Mommy is okay. C'mere." She pulled the little girl into her arms as tried to get her breathing under control. She rocked her back and forth until she had calmed down. The tension still had not completely left Johanna, but she as Kate looked into her eyes a few minutes later her eyes were no longer big and frightened.
They had peeled themselves off the floor and Kate had put on a brave face as they left the loft. She told Johanna that Mommy was just tired this morning and that there was nothing to be worried about. She tried not to seem in a hurry or agitated as she drove to Jo's school, but she knew she couldn't hide much from the girl.
They had a connection that rivaled the one she had with Rick. Even though she couldn't talk Kate always knew exactly what Johanna was thinking. She knew exactly what she wanted or needed with just a quick look into her little blue eyes.
They arrived at the school in record time. Johanna was having none of it though. It was usually hard to drop her off, but today was a whole different kind of record. She cried, sobbed more like it, and clung and clawed for at least half an hour. The teacher tried to help, but Johanna screamed every time Ms. Wendy so much as touched her.
Finally Kate picked the girl up and sat in the middle of the hallway. She rocked her and whispered love into her ear. Promised her the whole world. Eventually the stress of the morning took over and she fell asleep. Kate kissed her forehead and transferred her into Ms. Wendy's arms with hurried apologies and thanks.
Ms. Wendy had always been very understanding of Johanna's situation. She had gone above and beyond to help the family and today was no different. Kate knew Jo would be in a terrible mood when she woke and realized she was at pre-school without her Mommy.
Just as she raced into the car and stepped on the gas she received a text. It was from Esposito and all it said was "Presbyterian Hospital"
That's where she found herself, just a few hours after hearing those three words, running down the long white corridor frantically looking for her boys. After leaving the school her panic had only worsened. The questions swirled in her head and she couldn't catch her breath.
After three years they had found something, or someone, seeing as how a hospital was involved. It had been the longest, hardest, and most rewarding three years of her life. Endless grieving, crying, laughing, diapers, smiles, and hardships all wrapped in one.
She felt as if this was all a dream. She had stopped looking. She had told herself that she didn't need answers. And now something just appeared out of nowhere. The FBI certainly hadn't continued a hopeless investigation for three years.
Finally after it felt like she had been running a marathon she caught sight of the boys. They were standing in the middle of the hallway; white as sheets as if they had seen a ghost. As she came to stand in front of them she realized why.
She stopped in her tracks as she followed their gazes into the room they stood in front of. She stumbled back into the wall as she saw who lay in the bed.
"Is it true?" she gasped out. "Is he… I mean is it…. Rick?"
She didn't need an answer. Even from ten feet away she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the man in the bed was her fiancé. While there were a million questions in her head. There were none in her heart.
I'm sorry it is so short. I will try to put up another chapter in the next few days. Truthfully, while I know what I want the future of this story to look like, I am not exactly sure where I want Castle's story to go in the next chapter. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns don't hesitate to review.
All suggestions and ideas welcome in the Reviews and on Tumblr khoughtonb blog: Castle Crazy