SECRETS OF THE PAST

Reid could not help but smile the entire way down the stairs and into Joanna's living room. He knew that he was supposed to be nervous and scared about having a child, more so with the circumstances, but he found himself elated. He had known of her for only an hour and known her personally for even less time and already all he wanted in life was to know his daughter. Here she was and he was not going to let her slip away, even if that is the plan Joanna has.

"She normally wakes up around six," Joanna took a seat on the large tan leather couch, looking as if she were ready to fall asleep. "You could come back around that time or we have a guest bedroom you could sleep in."

"I do not seem to have any of my things here," Reid observed out loud. "But I would love to stay the evening and be here when she wakes up. Would it be okay if I borrowed your car and went to grab a few things?"

"That would be great," Joanna got up and walked over to the small table by the front door where she had set her purse. She fished around for a bit before pulling out a set of car keys. "If you get back and I am in bed, the guest bedroom will be the one at the top of the stairs and to your left, I will leave the light on. The bathroom is right next to it."

"Thank you," Reid took the keys from Joanna when she held them out to him and made his was toward the door.

Opening the door, Reid stepped out into the cold night air and was shocked at the feel of it against his skin. It was like being in a trance and someone had splashed cold water into his face to pull him out of it. The entire evening came flooding back to his mind and he played it over again in what felt like seconds. This was truly happening.

"Jo," Reid turned around and gave Joanna a smile, calling her by the name that he had used for her their entire lives, up until she left him. "Even though it took a long time, thank you."

"No," Jo shook her head at him, a smile stretching across her face. "Thank you."

"What did I do?" Reid wondered aloud, tilting his head to the side in confusion.

"That," Jo pointed her finger up the stairs and toward Spencer's bedroom. "You did that."

Reid sat down on his couch and stared off into space. He had gathered up a bag, with at least three days of clothing and needed accessories. Yet, here he was sitting on his couch, unable to move. Part of the evening had hit him, sinking into his core. It was not that he was a father or that Joanna had come back into his life after all this time. It was not even the fact that he had been so incredibly in love with Joanna at one point and thought she loved him back, only for her to leave. It was that the one thing that he wanted more than anything in the world, at this very moment in time, was dying.

In the last ten years, Reid had seen more death than he could tell you about. He could tell you about every circumstance, but he would not want to. No one wants to remember the things that he had seen, but he does. He remembers every single one of them. Now he was going to get to remember seeing his daughter get sicker and possibly die. He wished now that he was just a normal person, with hope that things will work out, but this was her second time having it and statistically, the odds were much worse. He wished he did not know this information.

Looking down at his watch, Reid knew that he needed to get back. It was almost ten o'clock and he did not want to be making his way back into their home in the middle of the night, even if he was invited. Though he felt the pull to stay on his couch become greater, he pulled himself away, grabbed his bag and a couple of books and headed back down to Joanna's car.

As he slid into the driver seat, Reid pulled out his phone and dialed Hotchner's number. He was not sure what he was going to tell him really, not wanting to go into detail, though he was going to have to tell them all about it at some point, at least Hotch.

"Hey," Reid could feel his voice become shaky as he spoke and he knew that he needed to get off the phone as quickly as he could.

"Are you headed this way?" Hotchner asked, sounding just as businesslike as he always did.

"Actually," Reid gripped the steering wheel tighter as he began to drive back towards Joanna's house. "I am not going to be able to make it to this one. I know that I need to be there and this is such short notice, but I really need to be here right now."

"We will manage without you," Hotchner stated matter-of-fact, though his tone had softened a little bit. "I will call you when we get back into town and we can talk."

"Sounds good," Reid lied. He was never going to be ready to talk about this. How do you tell people that you have a child you never knew about and then that she has cancer and is dying? "I will talk to you then."

Reid did not give Hotchner the chance to say anything else before he hung up on him. He knew that if he stayed on the phone, he was going to say more than he wanted to and that was not good. Once he got on a topic of something he could not bring himself to stop. He needed to stop. STOP!

Reid slammed on his breaks, nearly hitting the small SUV that was in front of him. He had been so lost in thought that he had almost crashed. Joanna would probably not approve of him crashing her car, even though he would replace it. He needed to focus on the road and the law, not on Joanna and Spencer.

All states and territories require child safety seats for infants and children fitting specific criteria, but requirements vary based on age, weight and height. Often, this happens in three stages: infants use rear-facing infant seats; toddlers use forward-facing child safety seats; and older children use booster seats. Many laws require all children to ride in the rear seat whenever possible, and most states permit children over a certain age, height or weight to use an adult safety belt.

That was helping … A little.

Reid continued going over little facts that he knew; things that were not of importance to him but they kept him focused on the road ahead. Soon, he was once again sitting in Jo's driveway, looking up at the second story windows. Everything he had ever known to be true seemed to not make any sense anymore. He always relied on facts, numbers and statistics. He could pick up a book and learn how to do something but this time he couldn't do that. This time, he had to learn how to do something the same way everyone else did, by doing it. A book could not teach him how to be a parent to the little girl sleeping inside of the house in front of him.

Taking a deep breath, Spencer gathered up his bags, climbed out of Jo's car and made his way up to the house. The door was locked but luckily there was a key on the keychain, which Jo was probably aware of when she locked the door. You can do this. You can do this.

It was not like Reid had never been afraid before. His life had been in danger many times and he had almost died a few times as well. But this was different and in a way worse. In those other moments, death was the outcome. Well, technically, this time had an outcome of death as well, just not his own. But outside of death, his own not seeming so bad now, he had the chance to let the little girl, in the house, down. Nothing had ever terrified him more.

The house seemed bigger with the lights off and no one around. He felt out of place in a way but then strangely at home. There was a picture on the wall that they bought at some tiny little shop when they went to New York City. There were some lights that were very Las Vegas and then there was a red chair in the corner. Not just a red chair, their red chair. They had moved into an apartment together and the neighbor was getting rid of it. He gladly gave it to them free of charge, which was the best kind of chair.

"My mom loves that chair," A voice came from behind and startled Reid. He jumped slightly in place and hoped that she didn't notice.

"Yeah?" Reid questioned, looking back over at the chair. So many memories of that chair. Evenings of just curling up together and reading books or listening to music. He didn't realize until that moment, how much he truly missed that chair.

"Yeah," Spencer walked passed Reid and made her way over to the chair to sit down. It was so big that she seemed to get lost it in. It was the first time that Reid really got a look at her, she was so small, and not just in the ways a child should be small. It broke his heart but he could not let her see that. "When I was little, we would curl up in it and she would read to me. Now that I am older, I do most the reading on my own. Sometimes she still reads to me. I love when she reads to me, it's the best."

"I think that too," Reid made his way into the living room and took a seat on the couch across from her. "My mom used to read to me all the time too."

"Used to?" Spencer questioned.

"Yeah," Reid leaned back, wondering if he should go into detail about his mother. "We don't see each other often. But we write."

"I love to write," Spencer's face lit up. "I wrote a book."

"You did?" Reid perked up. He was becoming more and more amazed by this little girl. "What is it about?"

"A dinosaur who loves cheese," Spencer laughed. "I wrote it when I was seven. But I have made a few adjustments since then."

"I would love to read it," Reid informed her, that is, if she wanted him to read it.

"I could read it to you," she offered up.

"I would love that even more," he nodded his head.

"I will go get it," she moved out of the chair and passed him.

Spencer looked around the living room a little more while she was gone. There were pictures of her at all different ages randomly placed throughout the house. He never really saw this kind of life for Jo. She was a free spirit and wild, never really the one to settle. Now here she was, settled. The only thing missing from these pictures was …

"I got it," Spencer threw herself down on the couch beside Reid, a very homemade looking book in her lap. "Ready?"

"Definitely!" Reid smiled, looking one more time at the photos on the walls.

The only thing missing from these pictures was … him.