"Boy next door…"
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~Chapter 3 - Tortured Friend
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So I'm kind a like,
waiting,
staying here just,
killing time
And I'm ready for this because I,
I want you to let you know,
that I'm,
still around.
Hoping that you would hear this,
and let you know,
that this is written only,
only for you.
I was wondering if you still know that eh,
that we're in it,
that were in it for life.
I feel different now ok.
please, well,
I am still around.
You know that right.
Sometimes I got the feeling that you don't.
I got the feeling that you don't
Sometimes,
I got the feeling that you can't.
I know I let you down,
But then I knew,
I always would.
some things feel better now,
But then I knew,
They always would.
So don't you stay,
Oh don't just wait,
Oh don't you know,
I had to let you go.
Still I miss your crazy warnings,
Like I knew I always would.
I just want to let you know,
I've got a feeling that you're always here,
Always here.
I just want to let you know...
(Kane - Crazy Warnings)
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I hopped out of bed and discreetly peered out my bedroom window. My heart was racing in my chest; entirely fucking paranoid. If I had any doubts that was Edward's Volvo parked outside, they were soon erased by the vision of Edward backing up from my porch; to gaze up at my window from the front lawn. I quickly moved away from the window, stumbled actually. I hadn't finished rubbing the soreness out of my thigh from where I'd collided with the corner of my dresser; when the phone began to ring.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us…BEEP!
It gave me a small laugh; I'd completely forgot I recorded that on Sunday…while I was waiting by the phone. Pathetic…
"Bella, Bella…I know you're home." Edwards voice echoed out into the hall from the answering machine. I crawled back into bed and pretended to ignore him. In the quiet of the day, I could hear Edward struggling to raise his window.
"I saw you…" BEEP! Even the answering machine knew when enough was enough; cutting Edward off.
"Bella…" Edward shouted from his window. I sank deep into my mattress, pulling the comforter over my head. I couldn't keep playing these games with Edward.
"You can't avoid me forever. I live next door…" I couldn't help but laugh; maybe another year will do…
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Pretending to hate him;
Was easier than trying to love him.
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Edward threw shit at the side of my house and window until Charlie pulled into the drive. I listened as Charlie entered; tossing his keys on the table near the door.
"Bella…" I'd ignore him too. I wasn't having a talk, nor was I going to dinner next door. I heard him climbing the stairs, I counted down his steps to my door…closing my eyes, I hoped he'd go away. He knocked…
Leaving as quickly as he came when he found me sleeping; but not before leaving my door half cracked. I hated when he did that. The door could be open or closed, the half open irritated me. If I closed the door, he'd accuse me of shutting him out. If I opened it; he'd assume I wanted company. I was fucked either way; give me privacy or don't! I'd rather not decide how to torture myself…
Charlie left for dinner; right on time. I got out of bed to close my door. I needed to purge Edward from my life. I had him figured out entirely. I wasn't going to sit on standby while Edward rode out the final hurrah of being Tanya's boy-toy.
Forty-seven rumpled notebooks crammed into my desk drawers. A map to our buried treasure; as if we would ever forget where we buried it. Under the third stone; beside my garage.
I grabbed the stack of rumpled notebooks and took them down to the trash can. I'd almost had second thoughts; thinking I should burn them…I was satisfied with burying them in the trash can, under a bag of trash.
Edward had purged some of his collection as well. The flowerbed below my window was full of scrabble game tile pieces, marbles, tiny green army men, a few matchbox cars, erasers, dice, a few chewed pens. I even recognized the boot and horseman from Monopoly; along with an assortment of other miscellaneous crap I couldn't make out as night began to fall. He was going to be the one to clean that shit up…
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The secret of life should be a mystery.
Once you figure out it's all a big disappointment; you don't give a damn.
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"I saw you walking to school yesterday…but I didn't see you there." Edward ran to catch up… Playing it cool as if he weren't the same guy that threw shit at my window for six hours yesterday.
"Have you figured it out yet genius?" I asked, wearing my most serious expression I could muster given the circumstances. I continued to walk, not letting Edward falter my pace.
"Bella…" Edward's gaze faltered; shifting to the ground as he slowed his step to trail behind me.
"I didn't hear from you at all Sunday…I didn't know what to think." Edward threw out a lame excuse.
"Yeah, well the phone line connects both ways buddy. You weren't throwing shit at my window on Sunday." I called him out on his bullshit.
"All of this because I didn't give you a ride?" Edward scoffed as if I were being petty.
"What do you want me to say Edward?" I shook my head…
"That you'll be a friend…." He spoke, taking a few long strides to catch up at my side.
"Like Tanya?" I quipped.
"Why do you keep bringing up Tanya, it's not what you think; and it has nothing to do with….fuck." Edward stopped walking; but continued to hiss at my back.
"Why do you even bother with me? The silence I can tolerate; but quit fucking with me." I retorted, raising my voice.
Silence…when I'd mustered the courage to look back; Edward was gone. I felt a mix of relief and guilt…but mostly relief. Until Edward caught up with me in Biology…
"You're late…did you get a pass…" Kudla called Edward back before he could take his seat. I didn't hear Edward say anything before he left; I assumed he obviously didn't have a pass… I glanced over at the clock on the wall, only ten minutes of class left; I silently prayed Edward wouldn't make it back in time…But still couldn't help but wonder where the fuck he was for the past forty five minutes; probably fucking hanging on Tanya's tits.
I didn't worry too much about next period; Art. Tanya would be there and I would become invisible.
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What is essential to the heart…
…is invisible to the eye.
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I headed to Art class…Dropping my books, I made myself busy - retrieving my coiling project. It was obvious by the mostly finished pieces I had fallen way behind. By the time I took a good look at it, I realized it would serve me better to start over and create a smaller piece. Trying to cling to a credit - I had to pass Biology or Art; currently it appeared as though I might fail both. Fuck my life…
"I don't want to talk about it." I could hear Edward growling from his work space; we all did. Miss. Davis abruptly circled in that direction of the class to see what the commotion was all about. I continued coiling…wrapping clay snakes over the new slab base I'd created for my pot…err vase.
By the time we were instructed to put our projects away; I realized I had little concept of time. I hauled ass to add a few more coils before I reluctantly put my project away as the bell rang…
I had barely made it to English class on time. We were reminded our poem projects were due this week…Reminded I was falling further and further behind. I hadn't written anything worth submitting. I flipped open my binder to write notes on what I'd missed…but was quicky distracted by the folded piece of notebook paper staring back at me…
Bella - was scrawled on the outside in Edward's pen… I quietly unfolded the note under my desk. When Mr. Brown caught me flustered; slack jawed I tried to remember what he'd just asked.
"Did you get the tips worksheet?" He repeated himself and I still had no idea what he was talking about.
"I'll take that as a no…" He released a light chuckle before leaving a worksheet on my desk….
Listen to criticism and try to learn from it, but don't live or die by it. When I was in college, I would always take my best reviewed poem from the previous class and submit it to the professor for the next class. Invariably, the next professor hated the poem, and could provide good reasons why it failed. -I suppose my ideals of using my poem for History class later; are confirmed…null and void.
Feel free to write a bad poem. -Now you're speaking my language!
That one perfect line in a thirty-line poem may be what makes it all worthwhile. It may also be what is ruining the rest of your poem. Keep an eye on it. - Blah, blah, how the hell is this supposed to help me write?
I forced a smile; it was the closest thing I could muster to settle in form of a thank you. I had given up on reading the rest of the writing pep-talk; the minute he stepped away.
Focused on the wrinkled map in my hands…that led to the third stone, beside my garage. Edward saw me… and went picking through my trash. My anxiety levels flared; I crumpled up the map and shoved it in my pocket as my hand fidgeted in search of my vial of medication.
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Reality is just a crutch…
…for people who can't cope with drugs…
I could hang…
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Edward sat across the lunchroom. I couldn't help but try and read him; his gaze bore into mine yet I couldn't register what was going on inside his head. Tanya chatted up his ear, everyone at the table was talking…Edward was staring. It didn't seem really awkward until Tanya met my gaze. She huffed something at the side of Edward's head before she left the table. The bell rang, barely startling life into me…
Three doses later and I was barely functioning. I couldn't even really remember the walk home; but I made it there. Just in time for a short nap…just a small one…
I didn't wake up until after nine thirty;…and by then I was paranoid. Charlie wasn't home; the door was locked so I assumed he went out… I spent a few moments collecting my thoughts before I settled into doing my homework.
An hour later and I had made progress. Finishing everything but my English assignment… I went searching for my prescription of Focalin; only to find my friends Paxil and Ambien in my dresser drawer. I went downstairs to check my jacket…and had an ah-ha moment when I came across the crumpled map. I threw on my jacket and rummaged deeper into the pockets…to find that Focalin was hanging with Lexapro. I swallowed a few smooth capsules dry as I wandered out to the trash can.
Raising the bag, I found that everything I threw away was gone… Holy Fuck, I'd given Edward enough physical evidence to embarrass me for the rest of my god forsaken life…
I dropped the trash bag back into the can, slamming the lid…
And then the sound of a lighter igniting echoed in the night.
The flame from the lighter lit up his face; Edward hung over his fence lazily like a scarecrow. I watched the cherry at the end of his cigarette dance in the night, long after the flame on his lighter was snuffed out.
"We don't have to talk about it…" He laughed…
"I said quit fucking with me; give it back!" I snarled in a highly irritable bitchy tone.
"I thought I did…Did you lose your map?" His laughter echoed in the darkness. I frantically kicked over the stone beside the drive, inadvertently moving closer to Edward…A stack of pages glowed in the dirt.
"This isn't all of it…" I exclaimed, reaching down to grab the pages.
"Sweet dreams…" The faint smell of alcohol lingered in the air…and by the time I looked up Edward was gone… I couldn't read for shit in the dark and decided to settle under my porch light.
I love you - First page; in Edward's pen
I love you - Second page; in mine
Yeah? - Third page; in his
Like a brother - Fourth page; in mine
Cya tomorrow -Fifth page; in his
Night - Sixth page; in mine
Sweet dreams - Seventh page; in his
Seven pages to mock me, what were we….thirteen? A part of me was impressed that Edward had managed to match up the pages of a conversation years old. He saved everything too…
Against my better judgment; I found myself knocking on his door…playing his game. Edward answered, green bottle of beer in hand… He'd peeled off the label; but the odor on his breath had given him away.
"Let me add drinking to your list of growing qualities…" I quipped.
"Did you know…" He tilted his head in the door frame, a serious expression marking his features…his brow even creased.
"You rattle when you walk…" His hand snaked out to pull at the front of my jacket; to further prove his point. I fucking rattled…
"I want my fucking shit back…" I focused. Thanks Focalin!
"You threw it away." He retorted; tipping his bottle up to take a long swig.
"That can't be legal…" I retorted…and Edward's beautiful laugh filled my ears.
"Are you going to chase down the garbage man for your discarded property too?" Edward mused aloud, shaking his head…
"I'd pay good money to witness that; don't let me sleep in…" Edward leaned back, slowly pushing his door closed. I managed to stop it with my foot…
And then the bastard smiled…I was almost completely over you; and then you had to go and fucking smile…
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Smile; pretend you're not everything
I could love forever…
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"Why are you here?" He leaned his head against the cracked door…
"I've already told you; I want my shit." I reminded him.
"I understood that part…I suppose I'm just not comprehending why you would want something you threw away.."
"I want it back…" I demanded
"Are you admitting you were careless…" Edward stated calmly.
"What? Just give it back!" I hissed; tired of playing his games.
"Give me reason.." He retorted; following it up with a brief chuckle.
"I'm not comfortable with you having it." I tried to play it cool and calm…but spoke through nearly clenched teeth.
"We've both seen it all already." He spoke before taking another drink from his bottle.
"Where is your mother?" I asked, it clearly looked like nobody else was home.
"Bingo at the fire-station, with Charlie…Every Tuesday…" He furrowed his brows; disappointed?
"Don't give me that look, you're buzzed…" Edward laughed at my retort.
"How many pills do you take a day?" His expression fell completely blank as if he were trying to reflect some sort of compassion. If he really cared, he'd just give me my shit back.
"I know he comes over for dinner every night…and I don't care what he does after; better?" That was my excuse…It wasn't the pills; they made everything better… Sometimes…
"Why?" Edward asked, finishing off his beer…
"Why, what?" I asked, confused. Edward threw open the door and walked away…off toward the kitchen. I paused; but ultimately I went inside swinging the door shut behind me… Edward was opening another green bottle at the kitchen island; a Heineken.
"Well? Can I have my stuff back?" I asked calmly.
"You've been watching me…" He held out the bottle, offering it to me. I shook my head at his offer…
"So…and you stalk me." I waved the evidence in my hand… "Please, give me my stuff."
"I did…" He waved his bottle at the direction of the papers in my hand before he took a swig.
"There's more…" I grumbled…
"Correct. And…there's your reminder of what you threw away." He leaned over the counter, to thumb the pages in my hand…
"Edward…" I scolded, tired of the bullshit.
"Friend?" Edward tilted his head, pretending he'd heard me wrong.
"Fine…" I'd sell my soul before I'd riddle it with embarrassment.
"Great, meet you here after school. I'll even give you a ride…" He nodded…walking off toward the den, bottle in hand… I stopped at the front door.
"I'm grounded…" I reminded him.
"…And you need to pass Biology." He retorted, sinking into the couch he raised his feet to rest on the coffee table.
"I didn't pick up an art class to be closer to you." I admitted, truthfully…
"Yeah, I don't think anyone can help you there…" He laughed, picking up the remote he turned on the television. He was right and rude;…it pissed me off. I turned to leave, reaching for the handle on the door…
"…And you don't need all of those pills." Edward focused his full attention on me as I waited near the door.
"I'd suffocate without them…" I exhaled; pursing my lips together when I realized I'd said too much, made it too personal…I left.
It wasn't until I'd made it half way across my lawn that I realized I left empty handed; well not completely…
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You've been watching me,
Almost as often as I watch you…
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I didn't even start my English paper. Hypnotized by Edward's pen, staring at me from the top page of the papers in my hand…
I settled into my chair, trying to remember the night we exchanged these notes. It was something we never said; I remembered thinking he were being silly… I couldn't lie to myself any longer, I missed Edward. A friendship that lasts nearly a decade doesn't just fade over night… or in a year…
I raised the shade on my window…to let him back in. And was surprised to find Edward waiting for me. He held up a finger in motion for me to wait, moving to put his beer bottle down off to the side.
He had stacks of papers all over his bed. I caught on quickly that they were our dissected conversations. After he'd grabbed a stack and began playing them in the window…
Come over? - In Edward's pen…
Yeah in a bit - My reply…
You better! - He waved the paper in his pen; clumsily in the window.
Or else? Haha! - My reply…
I'm coming over - He smiled, holding up the final page. I couldn't remember when we had this conversation. It could have happened on any given day. The sloppy way the pen scattered on the page; aside from a few fancy letters… told me it was probably from the seventh or eighth grade… It was mildly amusing.
I love you - I held up the top page in his pen. Edward rose from the edge of the bed. I could swear he mouthed the word; fuck…It was interesting to watch him dance about the room before coming back with a towel from his bathroom.
Cleaning; while a finger raised to motion me to wait. He must have kicked over his beer… All the while shaking his head, laughing at himself… He sat back on the edge of his bed briefly before leaping back up. When he sat back down again, he was armed with his notebook and black sharpie marker.
Like a brother? -He'd scribbled out, his writing was horrific…I estimated he was probably drunk by now. Headlights flickered below as Charlie pulled into the drive. I flipped through the pages in my hand and held up another page.
Sweet dreams - In his pen…
Kissing cousins? - I'd almost laughed at his reply. I removed myself from the window, tucking the several pages Edward had given me inside a desk drawer… Charlie knocked just as I was closing up my books.
"I saw your light on…" Charlie admitted as he cracked the door. I was a shitty daughter; my father needed an excuse to see me.
"Yeah, I was just finishing up some homework. How was bingo?" I asked, making casual conversation.
"I never win.." He laughed nervously, I could tell he was taken back by my question. He cautiously stepped inside my room…and quickly spotted Edward through the window.
"Bella, keep your blinds closed at night." He scolded me, while giving Edward a friendly wave before he'd closed the blinds for me.
"I didn't realize it was open." I lied.
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~End Chapter 3 - Tortured Friend
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