Another chapter! Okay, I said that this chapter was going to be a "doozy" last chapter...well, err...about that. I planned this part to be a tad shorter but I got a little cared away with it all; pretty much meaning that I had to split the "doozy" into two chapters. Sorry! But this time, I promise - PROMISE - that next chapter will be amazing. I wanted to thank everyone for the nice reviews and reading! Anyway, I hope you read this, review, and, most importantly, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Glee/Fox/Ryan Murphy/So many other things...

3) Cold Realization

"Crap, crap," Finn muttered to himself, unconsciously setting up a beat on the faded, steering wheel of his truck. He was peering out the window on the driver's side, examining the Berry residence as he drove slowly on by. He usually never came this way in the mornings on his way to school but he wanted to check out Rachel's house to see if she was sick or something. But the garage door was open and one of her dads was walking through it to get to his car, and the garage was vacant of any gold Chevy. Finn frowned, thinking quickly as he sped up and headed to McKinley High.

Rachel hadn't called through the whole weekend, ignoring each of his texts and voice mails that he sent every hour. If this was any other weekend besides the one they had just had, Finn wouldn't be freaking out and have a feeling like he ate too many hot dogs; but this wasn't any weekend for the couple. They had slept together, for the first time, and Rachel lost her virginity, something that she had always considered sacred to her.

Finn cursed again. She would only be ignoring him for a whole weekend and his messages if she was in one of her diva fits or distressed and sick about something. He banged his hand against the wheel, ignoring the sharp jab of pain and protest, and couldn't believe his own stupidity. He should of known that Rachel only allowed him to take that extra step because he was depressed about his life, and that she did it out of sympathy. For him! Not for her like it was always supposed to be; this wasn't her decision, it was his.

"How the fuck do I always seem to mess these things up?" Finn growled to himself, pulling into the student parking lot and glancing around for Rachel's small Chevy. "I broke us up in sophomore year because I wasn't ready, or so I thought. Then, I ended it when we were juniors because of something so minin- minan- whatever! Something so small as a kiss, which I should of known that it meant nothing!"

He found Rachel's car surprisingly in the back of the parking lot where usually only druggies and those arriving late parked, but Finn just pushed that question to the side; Rachel was always doing something unexpected and strange, probably following a new walking therapy or something that would help her as a Broadway star, he thought to himself. Parking his truck next to her vehicle, he jumped out and hurried over to the car. Peeking through the window, his eyes landed upon a star necklace that hung from the driver's mirror. He gave a sigh of relief and slumped against the side of his battered truck, feeling the pressure inside him lessen slightly. Rachel, growing tired of always switching between the star and "Finn" necklace, eventually decided to put the star necklace in her car and keep the one bearing his name around her neck.

So, Finn reasoned to himself as he trudged up to the school with his backpack thrown carelessly over one of his shoulders, that means we're still together at least. Does that mean it all could just be about how Rachel was reacting to having her V Card swiped? He could understand that; when he lost his virginity he had felt empty inside because he realized that he never should of done it with Santana Lopez. It mean nothing to the other and there was no sparks or explosions. It was purely sex.

With Rachel, for him, it had been so much more. He knew that she loved him, cared for him, and was reciprocating every feeling she felt for him back as he was for her. It was sensual, leaving his body tingling pleasantly from the experience, and he knew at that moment, he could never be with anyone as happily as he could be with Rachel.

A sudden thought struck Finn which made him pause in fear. What if Rachel didn't feel the same way he did afterwords? What if she was disappointed...what if she felt empty and that it meant nothing? And that she was only ignoring him because she didn't want to hurt this feelings or manliness. He mentally pushed that idea down, burying it far away as he began walking again towards History.

No, he knew that Rachel had felt something between them; he read that spark in her eye easily. It had always been easy to read her, and in that moment, Finn had gotten a full page view: Rachel loved him. So, he continued in his thoughts, that couldn't mean she didn't feel anything - right?

Right?

The school day by went by so slowly that Finn was actually contemplating asking the teachers if they had malfunctioned or something. There was nothing more that he wanted, but also feared slightly, than to speak with Rachel; it bugged him that he wasn't smart enough to be in any of her advanced placement classes, and that they never had any of the same periods together. The only thing they actually shared was lunch and Glee.

Finn's long legs flew by everyone as he hurried out of his Pre-Calculus, which he seriously wondered why he would even need. Who cares about sine, cosine, and what seemed like five hundred other terms all to do deal with a stupid circle? Today, it was even more of a nuisance as it was now fifty minutes of the usual suffering and fretting about Rachel. Life just couldn't be that easy.

When the smell of burnt cheese, perfume, Axe, and the harsh smell of whatever they put on the floors to clean it, rushed over him as he entered the cafeteria, Finn's eyes were on a search for a small brunette wearing any kind of animal sweater. He passed over the football jocks, who waved and hollered at him to join them, the Cheerios, tempting him with their short skirts and revealing uniforms, the hockey team, glaring and giving him the one-finger salute, and then he found them: the glee kids.

Finn felt a smile come across his face as he saw Rachel sitting at the table, examining her closely as he made his way through throngs of students to get to her. A smile was upon her lovely face, white teeth flashing as she listened to, what looked like, a heated conversation between Puck and Blaine. Her sweater was a bright green color with what Finn assumed to be a cat plastered to the front. His feeling of nerves was slowly ebbing away as he came to the conclusion that Rachel may not be mad at all; knowing too-well that she wouldn't be this calm if she was pissed.

With renewed will, Finn walked up to Rachel and placed a hand on her shoulder, "Rachel?"

xXx

The moment she entered the school, Rachel realized that she couldn't do it. She felt her mask crumble at the first glance of a student whose eyes just flicked over her once then moved away, uninterested. She had been ready for the kid to stop and point, exclaiming that she didn't belong in this world anymore; an ugly and dirty girl robbed of very thing that she held dear. It was just so dang hard to keep her head up high and proud when all she wanted to do was find a dark corner and cry.

But she was Rachel Berry, she told herself sternly and mentally placed the mask on again, and Rachel Berry did not give up easily.

Her first two periods were okay as she didn't have any close friends in any of them, and could loose herself in taking notes and listening to the dull teachers. This came easily as she could let her mind shutdown, even her thoughts, and let her body write everything down that she heard. She was so focused on her writings that she was even writing down the noneducational discussions between the teacher and the other students, barely noticing it when the bell rang.

Third period, though, was horrible as it was Advanced Placement Biology and she shared the class with Mile Chang, fellow Glee member. They weren't exactly close friends but they shared a few words, at the least, everyday. The prospect of having to seem like the old Rachel Berry made her knees shake and could taste bile in her mouth, but she forced herself to be calm and prepared a few phrases that sounded like what she would have said days earlier.

Now, she only wanted to scream all the time.

Barely noticing the pungent smell of formaldehyde as she entered Biology, her eyes instantly meet Mike's friendly gaze. He smiled at her slightly and nodded before turning to talk to the boy next to him. Rachel let out a small sigh and went to take her seat, away from Mike and the truth. She knew that it was inevitable; she would eventually have to speak with someone, but for the moment she was just content with the fact that it wasn't that exact moment she had to speak. Ignoring the lesson of cell multiplication and various functions of it in a cat, she prepared herself with a smile and a couple of new phrases that sounded more Berry.

As the bell rang, she felt a spurt of confidence and walked up to Mike, "Hi, Mike."

"Hey, Berry," He said, placing his notebook and folders into his bag gently. "How are you?"

Awesome, I had sex with my loving boyfriend and got raped in the same weekend, a cruel voice spoke in her head but she ignored it. "Great! Shall I see you later in Glee? I heard that you and your dad haven't been on the best of terms lately, I hope everything is okay..."

"Thanks, it is going fine." Mike shrugged, looking slightly less happy then he did a few seconds ago. "I got to go, have to meet Tina in the parking lot. I'll see you later." He clapped her friendlily on the shoulder and left the Biology room, leaving her to stand there alone and think.

Rachel had to admit that it hadn't been as bad as she thought it could have been, and for once felt that maybe she could actually pull this all off. And, telling herself eagerly as she walked out of the classroom and to the lunch room, hopefully, she could eventually return the old Rachel Berry to life.

But for now she just had to deal with the girl in the mirror.

She rarely ever ate in the cafeteria on a normal basis, so she sat down next to the other glee members without getting a tray. They nodded and said hello before returning to listen to an argument between Noah and Blaine about wardrobe for sectionals.

"No, hell no!" Noah exclaimed, the muscles in his arms rippling as he pointed a fry at Blaine like a knife. "That is not going to happen, short-pants dude."

The handsome boy frowned and shook his head, ignoring the calming hand that his boyfriend had slipped over onto his shoulder. "I don't see why you're making such a fuss over it, many respectable people wear them."

"Respectable people who never get laid," Noah pointed out, making another jab with his weapon. "We. Are. Not. Wearing. Bow. Ties. Get that through your Dalton head and we may have something there!" He bit into the fry, the two boys glaring daggers between each other.

Rachel would have laughed, if she hadn't felt that it was all so freaking stupid. Four days ago this would have been very critical to her...but now it was all too minuscule and unimportant. She had been dealt fate's cruel hand, leaving her crumpled on the ground and with a new sight for everything. All she wanted to do was stand up again and continue on, but the rapist's hand was always upon her, holding her down. So, she kept an amiable smile on her face and pretended that she paying c;pse attention to the conversation that was still going on as Noah suggested what they should wear...or what they shouldn't to be more exact.

A hand suddenly fell upon her shoulder and her body floored into flight, preparing to scream and run away. Then she heard his voice. A voice that she had been unconsciously ignoring all day as she feared their interaction; she wasn't sure if she was ready to face it then...or ever. But with a firm grasp on her mask, she turned around with a wide smile on her face and squealed, "Finn!"

Her boyfriend looked surprised at her sudden reaction, and smiled slightly as he sat down next to her. Finn's eyes meet hers and she hoped, to anything or anyone that would be listening, that only love and care were shining in hers. "Are you okay?" He asked instantly as he reached over to her and brushed a strand of hair behind her hair, his fingertips brushing against her skin as he did the caring gesture.

Rachel almost freaked, her mind unable to accept the love that she felt in such a simple touch. The girl she was now didn't deserve to be touched in such a way by Finn - sweet, lovable Finn. He deserved someone so much better than that girl in the mirror - he deserved the old Rachel Berry. Rachel kept the mask up and just smiled even brighter, hoping that the fake happiness in it would reach her eyes. "Of course, I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be okay, Finn?" She leaned over, changing her smile into a wicked smirk. "This weekend, Friday night, was perfect." She kissed his cheek, the warmth of his skin melting the ice slightly that she felt in her soul. She suddenly had the need to grab him and hold him close, letting his warmth envelope her in a cocoon of bliss and his love, but she pushed the feeling aside.

Finn's eyes glowed for a moment, then flickered as he must of had a new thought. "Then why did you ignore all my messages that I sent you, I sent like twenty of them...per hour."

Rachel cringed inwardly, feeling a flash of guilt as his words hit her hard. She had known that he called, but she couldn't pick up the phone or text back; fearing that he would detect some kind of problem within her voice or words and would want to come rushing over to her rescue. She couldn't of had let that happen, to see her, so she thought of a reasonable excuse quickly. "I'm sorry, Finny. I lost my cell phone and I couldn't find it until this morning, it had slipped under the seat of my car when I went out Saturday morning."

"Oh...where did you go? I thought you had to work on your NYADA application?" asked Finn curiously. "Isn't it like due next week?"

Rachel's mind blanked, her body freezing as the cold she felt inside her soul spread across her limbs and chest. She hated lying to Finn, but she couldn't tell him the truth, and never would if it was her decision, so she just said simply with a roll of her slim shoulders, "I needed to clear my head so I went over to that small music shop, Samantha's Symbols on Main Street, and looked through some sheet music for sectionals."

"Cool," Finn smiled. The way he was accepting her lies so easily broke her heart and made her hate what she had become, but it was better than what would happen if he ever found out. He started to scoot closer to her, but suddenly froze as he looked down at her lap.

"Rach?" His tone was disbelieving, and she glanced between him and her lap. Nothing was wrong there, but his face was torn into confusion.

"W-What's wrong?"

"Rach...you're wearing pants!"

"So?" Rachel asked, not understanding why he should of had such a reaction to her wearing pants. She didn't even notice, and was suddenly staring at her own clothes questioningly. Why did she wear pants?

Because the girl in the mirror wore them to hide the scars, the voice cackled again inside her head.

"You never - never - wear pants," Finn explained confused, moving his cinnamon eyes away from her legs to her face. She averted her gaze as she pretended to roll her eyes in exaggeration.

"It's becoming November soon, Finn." Rachel told him, switching into the voice that she usually used whenever she had to explain to him a difficult word or theory. "And I really didn't want to be shivering in the cold. Skirts are cute and adorable, but they are just no proper garments for this time of the year."

"Never stopped you before," muttered Finn, and Rachel felt another ping in her heart. His confusion was hurting her as it was because of something that she had caused. She really didn't deserve him, she realized as she couldn't meet his gaze. "I think the only time I seen you wear something besides a skirt was when you were acting or for an assignment for Glee...or the time when you were obsessing over Jesse breaking your heart during sophomore year."

Rachel jumped to her feet suddenly, heart racing as his words crashed down upon her. He didn't realize how close she was losing it all that moment, how close he was to coming to the truth. She felt a flare of emotions: sadness, pain, guilt, anger. She grabbed hold of the anger and gave him a glare, "They are just damn pants, Finn!"

Rachel, and by the look on his face, Finn also, couldn't believe that she cursed. She never cursed, thinking of it as an abhor mean of communicating and that people only used them because they lacked the proper vocabulary to use different and more appropriate words.

Though, in that moment, she truly didn't fucking care. It was Rachel Berry who never swore, not her.

The girl in the mirror.

"I'm sorry if I just wanted to try something new without telling you! I didn't realize that we had to tell each other every little thing now," Rachel said, unable to let go of the anger that she was feeling. For a moment, the cold inside her disappeared and the warmth of her rage filled her up. "And what is with bringing Jesse up? Do you still feel jealousy? You shouldn't, because he is over and will forever be over. I love you, Finn. And I am sorry if you can't just freaking accept it. Jesse may have broken my heart...but you fixed it, and I'll always love you for that. I'll see you in the choir room after school for glee club."

Turning away, she stormed off in a perfect Rachel Berry diva fit. She kept walking, through the hallways and to the farthest bathroom that barely any kids used because of its broken faucets. Her words rang through her head, and all she could do was beg that she could go back and prevent herself from saying them. She had barely shut the bathroom door before bursting into tears and feeling ripple after ripple of cold hit her as Finn's hurt face haunted her.

"I'm so sorry, Finn," She cried as she buried her head into her hands, sobs shaking her small frame. "I'm sorry!"

Jesse may have broken my heart...

She glanced up from the safety of her hands to look into the cracked mirror; her eyes meeting the eyes of the girl in the mirror. Thoughts upon thoughts crashed down upon her, the cold truth hitting her in the face like no slushy ever could.

Jesse had remade me...he had created the girl in the mirror, the new me.

Another chapter finished! I know, it wasn't that great, but next chapter defiantly will be! I'm even excited for it! Until next time, bye!