The first day and I already get homework. Absolute bullshit. Well I guess you can't expect much else from college, right? And it's nothing more than math homework too, my worst subject. The school day was over (I only have two classes, isn't it great?) and I walked into my bedroom.

My room was fairly small, but it did manage to fit a bookcase in it which was the most important thing. Oh yeah, and a bed. I sat on my bed and just looked around. No one was home, as always, so I had the whole day to myself until my parents came back from work. It was very quiet. I don't mind the quiet, but not today. So I took out my iPod and put it in my iHome which was on my night table right next to my bed, and turned it to my favorite song. It's haunting, romantic melody came out of the speakers and soothed the quiet of my room. When I felt really worthless, I'd always imagined myself committing suicide to this song. The song had nothing to do with suicide, but the voice and the melody was so haunting that I could see it happening. I also imagined dancing with my dream man to this song as it was first and foremost a love song. I daydreamed more of the former, but also the latter.

I walked around my room and found myself staring my reflection in the mirror. I had forgotten to put on make-up today so I looked more plain than usual. I did do my hair last night though, I straightened it with a flat iron, though my hair is already pretty straight, but frizzy. My hair was dark brown in color as were my eyes. My skin, a tan color, which I hated. I'd always admired pale skinned girls. It was so much prettier. All the heroines of my favorite novels were pale skinned, while I was brown skinned. Then I stared at my whole body. I was overweight, definitely. A size 9 instead of a size 2. I poked--hard-- at the fat on my stomach, thighs and arms. I was a disgusting piece of work. No wonder I'd never had a boyfriend before. No one would ever be attracted to a fat piece of shit like me.

January 25, 2010

11:37 AM

Sometimes I just feel so alone. I mean sure I have my parents and I have Jo, but I don't have anyone else. What I mean by that is, and I know it sounds stupid and so teenagerish (I know that's not a word), but I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend. I'm 18 and I've never had a boyfriend before. How pathetic is that!? Jo's had many boyfriends before. She's not even a virgin. I am. I am as pure a virgin as you can get. Never been kissed. I mean, yeah, that once in 9th grade, but that hardly counts. A peck. A little pathetic peck. But I know why I've never had a boyfriend before. It's because of the way I am and the way I look. Everything about me is an anti magnet. Everything about me is repulsive. I am boring, ugly, worthless, fat, talentless, and so many other horrible words.

I cut again today. That's hardly a surprise, I know. I can look back in this book and read of hundreds (well, maybe not hundreds) of times that I've written that. But I just felt the need to let you know that. I tell you everything. I tell you things I can't even tell Jo. Like the fact, that sometimes, and even more frequently lately, the thought of suicide hasn't been so terrible a thought. Actually, I've daydreamed of how I would do it. It swims in my mind like a sexual fantasy that I can't get rid of. I know it's an incredibly selfish act (my parents would die if I did that), but why would they want a daughter like me anyway? It'd be better all around, wouldn't it?

The next day passed by without coincidence. No cutting, no self name calling (well, there's always a little of that) and no maybe he did maybe he didn't cute boy smiling at me. I had History and Psychology. Psychology always annoys me. While it is fascinating, it annoys me that we always have to go through a section of talking about depression and cutting. I took it in high school so I would know. I have to be extra careful through that section to cover my scars. The students become hyper aware of any sign of cutting around them, so I become hyper aware of covering my scars.

That night while I was begrudgingly doing my math homework for the next day, I hear a buzz coming from my night stand. It was a text from Jo, my best friend.

Jo: Hey buddy! I haven't heard from you since forever! What's up? Let's go out somewhere tonight.

I looked down at my math homework. I was almost done and the invitation to go out did sound tempting, so I budged.

Me: Hey! Alright, where do you want to go?

Jo: I don't know. . . I'm kind of hungry. Wanna go to Fridays or something?

My mom was cooking, but I knew my parents would be thrilled to see me going out somewhere even if it is with Jo. I hardly ever go out and when I do, it's always with Jo.

Me: Yeah, sure.

Jo: Okay, I'll be there in 10 mins.

True to form, she was here in about 20 minutes. Her black convertible was standing outside my house waiting for me. Her car was gorgeous, obviously, but I'd never envied it. It's not that I don't like fancy cars or anything, I'm just not very car savvy and don't really care whether I have a shiny black Mercedes or whether I have an old Toyota. As long as it takes me from point A to point B.

"Bye mommy, bye daddy," I kissed them goodbye as my mom handed me $30. I didn't have a job at the moment so I, very frustratingly, had to rely on my parents for extra money. I looked at my parents and they told me to be careful. They were opposites. My dad looked like me, tan skinned with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. My mom on the other hand, had pale skin with hazel eyes and light brown hair. While I thought my father was very handsome, I wished I looked more like my mother. All the features my father had didn't work on me.

I walked out to Jo's car and opened the door. There she was smiling and waving at me. Though she does dull it down for me, that doesn't mean much, because she is still very bubbly.

"Ann! I haven't seen you in forever! How is school so far?"

I tried to pull my bubbly spirit up a few notches to kind of match hers, but that'll be impossible so instead I settled for a smile.

"Hey. School's good so far. How was your first day?"

"Well Cal and me went together and. . ."

I drifted in and out of her conversation saying the appropriate "Oh" and "Yeah" when I could get a word in edgewise. I'm glad Jo liked to talk because I wouldn't know what to say anyway. I don't have an interesting life so I wouldn't like to regale her with a story of how I went home and did nothing. Jo, on the other hand, has a very interesting life. For one, she has a boyfriend, Cal. She has lots of friends with whom she likes to get together and have the occasional drink. It might not seem like a lot, but she does a lot more than I do which is absolutely nothing. Except read.

We arrived at Friday's and were seated in a booth. The restaurant was a dark and funky kind of place. Records and posters of Jimi Hendrix, AC/DC and some indie bands lined the dark wooden walls. Only a dim light lit our table. I liked the place and the atmosphere. It was cool.

The blond waitress came to us and took our orders.

"So nothing new is up with you? I feel like I'm doing all the talking here," Jo said.

I laughed, "You know I have nothing new happening to me. Ever."

I felt bad though for not saying much, so I scanned my brain for something new. I dug deep and bingo! I figured it out. She was sipping on her drink when I suddenly blurted out,

"Actually something weird did happen to me yesterday."

She looked intrigued, "Go on"

"Well, I think some guy in my English class smiled at me"

Her eyes lit up, "You think or he did?"

"Well I don't know! He might've been smiling at someone behind me," Which I knew was impossible since I was sitting in the very back corner of the classroom.

"Oh god. He probably was smiling at you! What did he look like?"

I remembered his face. Gorgeous, "He was my skin color, dark hair, dark eyes, muscular. He was cute," A severe understatement.

"Oh! He sounds cute. You should talk to him! Just say hi or smile at-- hey, what's that on your hand?"

My left hand went to go look at the dessert menu, so my palm was visible to her. I had completely forgotten about it. Shit.

I quickly took my hand to my chest, "Nothing"

"Like hell it's nothing! You cut again didn't you?"

Jo knew about my cutting, but didn't know the extent of it. She didn't know that I did it almost every other day. She thought I did it once a month, I imagine.

I didn't say anything. I felt ashamed. I always felt ashamed about my cuts especially when someone found them. Usually I could make a good excuse, like a cat scratched me or something, but Jo knew.

"Why did you do it?"

I waited a moment and said, "I don't know"

I didn't want to tell her that I did it because I felt like a worthless pig. I didn't want to upset her even more.

"You have to stop doing this to yourself!"

I looked straight into her eyes. They were dark brown, like mine, only hers were prettier. She was a very pretty girl. I have to admit, if she weren't my best friend, I'd be seriously jealous of her.

"Look, I'm sorry"

"Don't say sorry! Just stop doing it!"

If only it were that easy. If it only I could just stop doing it. If only she knew what I felt when I cut. It felt like ecstasy. I wanted to tell her that, but she wouldn't understand. She would just think I was crazy.

I didn't say anything and the whole night turned awkward. When she drove me home, she gave me a lecture. I didn't say a word. I could tell she was upset. She didn't like when I cut, obviously.

We arrived at my house, "Just please promise me you won't do it again"

"I promise I'll try my hardest to stop," with all the pain in my heart, I crossed my fingers.

I had to admit, I was slightly excited to go to English and it wasn't because I was excited to hear Professor Rea's riveting lecture. To be honest, it was to see that gorgeous guy and maybe find out his name. I knew myself to well to know that I would actually take Jo's advice and talk to him. I'm way too shy for that kind of interaction, but maybe if he smiles at me I might just smile back at him instead of just stupidly staring back.

I drove early to school again and sat down in class. I was the first in. I sat in my usual seat, back corner of the classroom, nearest to the windows. I stared out the window and let my mind wander. I looked down at my wrist and saw my veins. The skin on top of them was so translucent, I could clearly see the blue veins under the skin. They were almost protruding out. Almost begging me to cut them open. I have all the tools. I have my trusty blade. I know when I can do it, I have all the time in the world when I get home from school. But do I have the courage? I wonder if life would be better on the other side.

I looked up and half the class was full. Including the gorgeous guy. I very shyly looked over to where he was sitting and he was looking at me. I felt a blush creeping onto my cheeks. He was sitting one row away from me, also in the back. He smiled at me, again.

Okay, Annabel. This is it. Smile or don't. But for God's sake stop staring at him like a lunatic! So I gave him a small smile. Am I flirting? Is this what flirting is?

But I didn't get to find out what would happen next because a boy came and sat in the seat next to me cutting off my view of him. I looked away quickly, but from my peripheral vision I saw it was the boy with the intense blue eyes.

Damn him! No, that's being mean, but he didn't have to come in so soon! Who knows what could've happened? Maybe the gorgeous guy would've said hi! Or maybe he wouldn't have. Maybe the smiles are just polite smiles because I keep staring at him like an idiot. He must think I'm a freak.

"Um, excuse me"

I turned and saw it was the boy with the blue eyes talking to me. I gave him a small smile.

"Did we have any homework from last night?" His voice was deep and very manly. Kind of sexy.

"Um, I don't think so."

"Oh okay. I'm Jayden, by the way"

"Annabel," I said quietly. I am very shy around strangers. My voice gets one pitch higher and a little quieter, so it sounds like a chipmunk.

He turned back around and looked straight. That was when Professor Rea came in. Great, here comes his interesting lecture.

When class was over, I quickly wanted out. The more I thought about it, the more I knew that the gorgeous boy, who I now knew is named Michael, thinks I'm a freak. As he rightly should. I am a freak. And what was up with that guy asking me a question? I mean, I'm sure it was just a simple, innocent question, but since my first semester nobody has ever spoken to me. Which is why I found it strange.

I started walking out of the classroom and when I was in the hallway walking out of the building I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and it was Jayden.

"Hey, um, can I ask you something?"

I felt really strange. Nobody has ever spoken to me in this school, especially twice in one day, "Sure"

"Can you tell me where this building is? I have a class there next and I have no idea where that building is," he showed me his schedule. He had Calculus next in the same building I had Algebra. What a coincidence.

"Oh yeah sure, I'm going there next too"

"Thanks"

The walk there was a little awkward. He looked very concentrated on something, "So is this your first semester here?"

He looked at me with those blue eyes. I had to admit, they were very attractive, "Uh, yeah, yeah it is"

So a man of few words, just like me. So I stopped talking. Why did he have to ask me to take me to this class? Why couldn't he ask campus security or something? This is so awkward.

Actually that is a good question. Why did he ask me? He could've asked our professor or campus security or just about anyone else. Well, I guess since he'd already asked me a question earlier, he felt comfortable asking me another one.

"Yeah, it's my first semester and I didn't go to class last time because I got lost so this is my first time going to this class," he sounded unsure about something. He sounded strange.

"Oh," I said lamely. I don't understand how he could get lost to that building. I mean, I still do get lost to some buildings, but that building is pretty easy as it has a big sign in front that says the name of the building and it's in the courtyard of the school.

Suddenly I remembered that I hadn't put my math homework in my bag. Crap. I stopped in my tracks and so did he. We were right in front of the building when I took out my bag and started searching through it.

"What's wrong? What are you looking for?"

Distracted, I said, "I forgot to put my-- here, can you hold this. And this. And this," I gave him several things to hold while I looked to see if my math notebook was there. It wasn't.

"Here, I'll take that stuff back," He gave me my English notebook and my Math textbook. I take my math textbook, but not my notebook. Stupid me.

"Are you okay," he asked.

"Yeah, I just forgot to bring my math homework. I can't go to class. My math professor looks like one of those strict people that'll pull out your trachea if you don't bring in your homework"

He laughed-- hard, "Yeah I've seen those"

"Well this is the building"

"Yeah I know. I mean, I figured it was because of the sign. Well thanks. See you Monday"

"See ya"

I walked off and drove home. I went into my room, put my hair into a ponytail, and went into my bag to take out my diary. I always like to write in it when I get back from school.

I searched in my bag and it wasn't there. I searched in deeper. Nothing. I took out all the contents of the bag and still nothing. But I remember packing it this morning into my bag!

And then, like a pile of bricks onto my chest, it hit me. When I was giving Jayden all my stuff to hold, I gave him my diary. And he didn't give it back.