„Fucking Kaz and her fucking big mouth."
She briefly wondered if the sound she just heard was coming from inside her own cluttered head, when the contour of Allie's frame that she could single out from a dozen others finally came into view. And with that, so did the sheer, vivid anger following and guiding the blonde's every movement.
Before she could make a move or alert her of her presence in any way, Allie turned around and their eyes met after what felt like eternity, even though it's only been a few hours.
A few agonizing hours, if you'd ask Allie.
The blonde's gaze softened instantly around the edges, as she drew a sharp breath, her lips opening and closing in shock, the same lips Bea was tracing with her own gaze, unconsciously, yet again. The heaviness of the moment was quickly lifted when the younger woman sent a heart melting, cheeky smile her way, defusing the situation in true Allie fashion, her heavy accent slipping in.
„Oh, hey Bea. Did I spook ya?"
But despite her usual show of confidence Bea has come to know and recognize during the short time she's known her, right now she wasn't fooling anyone, especially not the redhead studying her intently from head to toe.
She could feel the blonde exuding uncertainty, her movements suddenly a lot less driven, more fragile instead, almost fearful. Her heavy, focused look did nothing to ease Allie's state of mind or nervous outer visage. She didn't want to entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe she had hurt Allie, that she was scared to get close to her again, fearing that she'd run away or even bash her for what she had the audacity to do.
But then again, she never thought she'd see the day Allie Novak was nervous around her.
The same girl who tried to go down on her the moment they met. The same girl who flirted with her 24/7. The same girl who always made the first move. The same girl who kissed her yesterday.
Oddly enough, that same girl was now pacing back and forth and biting her lip, unsure of whether or not to come closer. She took one or two cautious steps in the older woman's direction, before blurting out an awkward "I could go if you want, I didn't know anyone would be here, I don't wanna intrude—", her eyes barely leaving the floor.
She had never looked more beautiful to Bea than in that moment.
Because she was only like that around her and because of her.
„On my very important activities? Don't be stupid, come here."
She couldn't help but roll her eyes playfully, sarcasm dripping from her every word, as she patted the seat next to her, urging the jumpy blonde to join her on the floor. Her previous thought had made her feel warm and fuzzy inside and, for once, she had to be the brave one.
She tried not to feel hurt when Allie finally sat down, but maintained an odd distance.
Do I even want her to move closer?
She shook her head before allowing her own share of anxiety to slip in, taking note of the blonde playing with her hands in her lap, her mouth opening and closing again with no sound coming out.
She had no idea what to say.
As if reading her mind, Bea broke the ice, instead.
„So, what happened with Kaz?" – the redhead asked, almost seeing the wheels turn in Allie's head, barely proccessing her words, as if Kaz was the furthest thing from her mind, even though she was yelling profanities about her just moments before.
„Kaz? Oh, yeah..she was just talking shit, again. It pissed me off so I had to go before I did anything stupid. Better lay into those poor boxes over there than her face, eh?" - she joked, her forced half smile not quite reaching her eyes.
„I love her, I do, It's just, she never stops." – the blonde's hands unconsciously balled into fists by her sides, the action doing little to soothe the anger slipping through every word of her mini-rant.
Bea could sense that rage radiating off of her and before she could process the action consciously, her hand lightly tugged at Allie's elbow, trying to soothe her somehow. The blonde's eyes followed hers in an instant and time seemed to stop right then.
Bea felt the weight of that gaze from her head down to her toes, so she did the awkward obvious – cleared her throat, retreated her hand as if it was burning and spoke again, much too quickly.
„What'd she say?" – she asked in a breathless tone, almost innocently, and the vibrant honesty staring back at her told her all she needed to know. „She was talking shit about me, right?"
The younger woman nodded mutely, digging her nails into one of her palms hard without notice like she was hearing Kaz's voice in her mind all over again. She almost drew blood when Bea caught her arm, rather roughly this time.
„Hey, you gotta stop doing that." – she commanded, and Allie immediately stopped inflicting pain on herself, at least the physical type, that is.
She'd do just about anything Bea asked of her. It should make her feel weak or pathetic but right now, she only felt alive.
And all of that without crank shoved into her veins, for once.
Bea's look softened as she inhaled sharply, all fears be damned. She wordlessly took the blonde's hand in her calloused one to stop her from hurting herself, her thumb running imaginary circles alongside the soft skin she found there.
„I don't need you to defend me. I can defend myself." – she said, softly, but firmly.
She was ready for anything but the soulful blue eyes before her starting to shimmer with unshed tears.
Allie didn't even notice the subtle change, but she did.
„I know you don't. You don't need me, you never need anyone." – Allie said, letting out an almost strangled smile, as if the words she just spoke physically hurt to be verbalized.
But I need you.
She was this close to saying it but stopped at the very last second, biting her lip painfully in the process. She had no right.
Bea had told her before that she didn't want to be the reason why she didn't shove crank in her veins. And judging by the way she's been avoiding her like the plague, Allie was also sure Bea didn't need her at all.
She was starting to think she made a big mistake last night. She should want to take it back but she didn't. Maybe she read all the signs wrong and this was the beginning of the let-me-down-gently speech.
You could've at least had her as a friend, Novak.
If she didn't mess everything up, that is. But could she? If there was one thing she knew for sure it was that it would never be enough for her.
Bea Smith might be the love of her life.
Because she had felt more free and alive in the past few weeks here, with her, than she had during all of her miserable years on the outside.
„But she still had no right to say those things. She doesn't even know you." – Allie continued with such certainty and sheer outrage, it almost broke the last of Bea's defenses right there.
Almost.
Not like Allie knew her. Or at least like Allie thought she knew her.
„And you do?" – Bea asked, and the incredulous manner in which she said it prompted the blonde to do something, anything to prove a point.
„Of course I do." – Allie clarified, before taking a deep, frustrated breath and grabbing both of the redhead's wrists, her grasp firm, yet surprisingly gentle, considering the circumstances.
Bea's last shred of denial fell to the floor before her, about the same time a shot of electricity ran through every inch of her body. Allie was breathing life into her all over again and she probably had no idea she was even doing it.
„And I know you are everything she says you're not. You're brave and beautiful and kind. You are the best thing that ever happened to me."
Bea felt her entire soul crack and shatter with every one of those words. She wasn't sure if it was because of the blonde laying all of her cards on the table for the millionth time or the shimmering ocean blues before her displaying nothing but pure love and adoration or even the fact that no one looked at her before and saw even a tenth of that.
She had no idea her own eyes mirrored Allie's, in all the ways that mattered.
„But I know I'm not to you, so..." – the blonde spoke much too quickly in a half voice, sighing as she let go of Bea's hands with a heavy heart, her eyes suddenly glued to the floor like it was the most interesting sight in the world.
The next words she verbalized and the pure resignation piercing through every letter as she did crushed Bea in a way nothing else in her life ever did.
It hurt more than all of Harry's hits combined.
„You don't have to keep avoiding me. Message received. I'm sorry for last night, if you want me to take it back, it's done. But I was kinda hoping you'd still be my friend?"
An olive branch. Allie was offering her an easy way out, the coward's escape, the chance to erase the last 24 hours, the most confusing 24 hours of her entire life.
For the last time, she stubbornly tried to silence that small, small voice telling her that those were the most tragically perfect 24 hours she's had in forever, the only highlight of her miserable, routine filled days at Wentworth, where nothing but grief, regret, pressure and anger kept her company.
Last night, it was the first time in a long time when nightfall greeted her with actual dreams, pleasant ones, not gruesome nightmares and haunting visions of the all the things she's done.
And it was all because of the shattered, hopeful woman before her, who still smiled at her, who still nonverbally reassured her, when it should be the other way around.
She was achingly beautiful.
„You're not a friend of mine...remember?" – Bea joked in spite of herself, her words mirroring her previous speech in the bathroom, not too long ago, when she cornered an unsuspecting, yet oddly cooperating blonde after her conversation with Mr. Jackson.
The only change now was the way she said it - there was no trace of fire or fight in it anymore, her tone was playful, encouraging even, coated in just a subtle touch of tenderness - her own way of extending an olive branch.
Allie smiled back, weakly. She would have laughed if she remembered how.
After a long, tension-filled pause, the most unexpected words filled the blonde's ears along with a void in her heart that she's had forever, since her dad kicked her out like trash and the world decided to show her only its darkest parts, selectively. And they were coming from the lips she was currently staring at openly, in sheer, unadulterated awe.
She made no apologies for it anymore.
„I don't want you to take it back."