Fanfiction Four III: The Wrath of Wart Girl
The school year started for Jane and Daria started in a most unusual way. To start with,
students who had previously avoided them suddenly wanted to be their best friends. Wisely, the
girls took their classmate's praise with a grain of salt. They knew it was not Daria and Jane
everyone wanted to know, but Phantom and Flamin' Jane. Even more bizarre, the principal threw
them a surprise party in the middle of English Lit.
"Now, who can tell me what the myth of Psyche and Cupid teaches us?" asked Mr. O'Neil.
"Um... Be nice to your mother-in-law?" Brittany dimly answered.
"Don't open other people's mail?" offered Kevin.
O'Neil sighed. "Tell the class, Daria."
Daria was quite used to this. "The myth explains how detrimental petty jealosies can be.
Venus could only let go of her self-centered rage when she realized it was hurting someone she
loved, namely her son, Cupid."
"Very good, Daria!" he said. "Roman-Greco gods are presented as very human, with loves,
fears, jealousy..."
Just then, Ms. Li barged in, wheeling in a sheet cake. "Step aside, Mr. O'Niel," she said.
"I wish to honor the two superheroines of Laaaawndale High!"
"Gimme strength." Daria mumbled.
"Sorry," said Jane. "That's Jesse's department."
"Ms. Li," Mr.O'Neil said meekly. "We were just discussing mythology and..."
"Who cares about some dusty myths, O'Neil? We've got a pair of heros in this very room and
I've brought a cake and punch on their behalf. Now, line up everyone!"
The whole class queued up to receive a piece of cake with the words "Our Heros, Phantom &
Flamin' June" written in yellow and blue royal frosting.
"Think the punch is laced with cyanide?" Jane joked to her friend.
"I know it's not like Ms. Li to give out free refreshments." said Daria. "She has an ulterior motive."
"Don't look a gift cake in the mouth." said Jane, getting in line.
"No girls!" said Ms. Li. "To the front of the line with you!"
"Hey! They misspelled my name!" said Jane.
"I'm not hungry." Daria said as they returned to their desks. "I think I'll disappear for
awhile, before I get asked to sign another autograph." Daria vanished.
"More cake for me." Jane decided.
Sandi Griffen glared at the female half of the Formidable Four. "Who do they think they
are?" she rhetorically asked the rest of the Fashion Club. "They rescue a kid, stop a few robbers
and they suddenly think that makes them special or something."
"They're still ugly and dressed funny." observed Stacy. "But people seem to like them. I
don't get it."
"There's lots of things you don't get, Stacy." said Sandi.
"Quinn," asked Tiffany. "isn't. Phantom. like. your /cousin/. or. something?"
"Yeah." said Quinn. "Thank God no one in the family cares that she's doing all this hero
crap." God, thought Quinn. I don't know what I'd do if Mom and Dad started favoring Daria. I'm
the favorite, and I plan to keep it that way.
Sandi burned with envy. How dare Jane sit there and enjoy that cake, so superior in her
new status she doesn't even think about calories and saturated fat. And Daria or Phantom or
whoever just dissapears, thinking she's to good to let others see her. Fine. No one wants to
look at her homely face anyway. I wish to Hell they'd both disappear and never come back so
people would start worshipping me again, the way it's supposed to be.
At the end of the day an anouncment came over the intercom. "Attention" said Ms Li. "Will
Phantom and Flam-uh I mean Daria Morgendorfer and Jane Lane report to the principal's office."
Daria gave Jane an "I told you so" look and they headed for the office.
"Girls," said Ms. Li. "First, I want you to know that I've heard of your exploits over the
summer and I am very, very proud of you."
"Let me guess." said Daria. "Now you want us to use our powers to bring honor to Laaaaawndale High." Daria mocked Ms. Li's pronounciation.
"Very astute, Miss Morgendorfer." Ms. Li didn't pick up on the taunt. "These powers of yours
can be used in ways you never dreamed of. For example, as you may know, our library has a rather
leaky roof. Unfortunatly, we do not have the funds to fix it."
"You would if the football team didn't demand new uniforms." said Jane.
"Hear me out." said Ms. Li. "Now, suppose I took out a fire insurance policy on the library
and it met with an accident." She gave Jane a knowing wink.
"Ms Li, you're asking me to commit arson."said Jane.
"And Daria," Ms. Li continued. "Your powers are limitless! During games, you can always
walk out on the field and trip up the opposing team. And of course there's espionage and clandestine acquisition."
"Isn't that a fancy way of saying 'theft'?" asked Daria.
"Girls," said Ms. Li. "Just think of all the funds you could raise for me, I mean Laaawndale High."
"Your Freudian slip is showing." said Daria.
"This conversation is over." Jane said as they got up to leave.
"I hold your grades in my hands!" Ms. Li threatened.
"Don't worry about our grades." Jane told Daria as they walked home. "Jesse introduced me
to his brother, Danny. He's only 14, but he's a computer genius and he'd do just about anything
Jesse asked him to. He could just hack into the school computer and change our grades back.
He's done it before."
"So, you and Jesse are a couple now?'
"Not really." said Jane. "Jesse's sweet, but I can't get him to communicate." Jane smiled.
"Remember the little girl from the meet and greet the /Picayune/ sponsered? The one who named
Jesse 'Hercules.' Astrid, I think her name was."
"I remember her mother said she had anemia. I also remember she kept gazing at Jesse with
stars in her eyes. I think you have competition."
"Daria, she was only 11, and looked like she was 8. It was nice of Jesse to give her a piggy-back
ride. Still keeping in touch with the hunk who named you Phantom?"
"Harrold's a 35 year old computer programmer, married with a baby. Neither of us really
have time. How 'bout you and Rita? Have you heard from the girl who named you 'Flamin' Jane'?"
"She sent me an E-mail. She's dating Walter, the guy who came up with 'Sir Stretchalot'."
Jane chuckled. "Oh, he was a character. He belonged to the Society for Creative Anachronisms.
Liked to dress up and pretend it was still the Middle Ages."
"Trent was a good sport about the whole accolade ceremony Walter insisted on."
"And Jesse said he wanted to do more with sick kids. Like entertain at a hospital or something."
"As corny as it sounds, that's actually a good idea."
The next morning, Sandi awoke and went to the bathroom. She stopped to admire herself in
the mirror when she noticed something strangly amiss. Resting on the bridge of her nose was a
huge pus filled wart. She screeched."AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Sandi!" shouted Mrs. Griffen. "What the Hell is wrong with you?" She saw the wart. She screeched.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"What's up?" asked Mr. Griffen. "Dear Lord!" He tried not to be violently sick.
"Eeew! Gross!" Chris said admiringly.
"Ha Ha!" laughed Craig. "Sandi is a toad face!"
"Well, she can't go to school like that." Mrs. Griffen said flatly. "We're taking her to
the dermitologist. Chris, get me your ski mask."
The Griffens waited anxiously for hours in Dr. Hubbell's office. He came out with a distraught
and warty Sandi. "I'm sorry," said Dr. Hubbell. "The prognosis is not good."
"Dr. Hubbell," said Mrs. Griffen. "We want that wart off our daughter's nose. Money is no object."
"Mrs. Griffen, you can't solve this problem by throwing money at it." said Dr. Hubbell.
"Come into my lab. I'll explain everything." In the lab, he showed the Griffens an X-ray of
Sandi's head. "The wart on the bridge of your daughter's nose is directly connected to a nerve
that leads directly to her brain. An incision in this area could kill her- or worse."
"A topical ointment then?" Mrs. Griffen pleaded.
"I'm sorry." Dr. Hubbell appologized. "The dermal surface of this wart is the thickest and
most irregular I've ever seen. Nothing known to medical science can safely remove this wart."
"NO!" cried Mrs. Griffen. "You don't understand, Dr. Hubbell! My daughter is a total moron
with no skills or talents. Her looks are all she has going for her!"
Sandi tried to fight the tears in her eyes. She knew her mother spoke the truth, but it
hurt to hear it from her. She didn't even have her good looks anymore.
The Griffen's kept Sandi home for a week, hoping the wart would go away on its own. When
it didn't, they had no choice but to send her back to school.
Sandi kept her head down and hid her face behind her books. As she opened her locker, Stacy
approached. "Hey, Sandi," she said. "Where have you..." Stacy saw Sandi's reflection in her
make-up mirror. Stacy screamed and fainted. Pandemonium insued.
"Omigod! What happened?"
"Stacy fainted!"
"Jesus H. Christ! What the hell is that thing on Sandi's face?"
"That's the biggest damn pimple I ever saw!"
"Gross! She looks like a rhinocerous or something!"
Sandi covered her face with her hands and ran from the crowd. As she raced down the hall
she crashed into Chet Mason, the hunky tight end from the football team.
"Where's the fire, Sandi?" he asked. "Ya wanna go to Pizza King after..." Chet saw Sandi's
face and retched. "Never mind." he said.
All day, Sandi had to deal with stares, horrified looks and whispers. She ate lunch alone
for the first time in her life. Even the Fashion Club abandoned her.
After gym class, Sandi prepared for her shower. Something hit her in the back of the head.
Every one laughed. It was a tube of Cortizone 10.
"Who threw this?!" she demanded.
"I did!" said Angie. "Whatcha gonna do about it, Pinnochio?"
"Dry it up!" Andrea threw a bottle of witch hazel at her.
"Dry it up!" Brooke threw a box of Clearasil pads at her.
Skin care products rained on the naked Sandi.
''Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP!"
"I'm sorry." said Daria. "But not even Sandi deserves this." She created an invisible
force field over Sandi. The girls became bored with bouncing pharmesuticals off an invisible
field and left.
"Who asked you to interfere, Ghost Girl, or whoever?" Sandi asked.
"It's Phantom." said Daria. "And you're welcome."
Sandi trembled with rage, jealousy, despair, and sorrow. How dare this geek become more
acceptable than her! "I hate you, Quinn's cousin!" she screamed.
When she got home, Sandi made a life changing decision. She would rather be dead than live
with a gargantuan wart on her nose. She took a butcher knife, and began cutting at the wart.
Sandi did not die. However, as soon as the sac of bloody pus fell in the kitchen sink,
Sandi began to chuckle maniacally. Mrs Griffen walked into the kitchen.
"Sandi! What the hell are you...."
"Sandi is dead! Only Wart Girl remains! You won't be so lucky, Mommy Dearest!"She plunged
the knife into her mother's shoulder. The thing that was Sandi continued to stab, oblivious to
the rivlets of blood and the rasping screams. "Say I'm ugly, Mommy! Tell me what an untalented
moron I am! Still think I'm clumsy, Mommy? Say something, Mommy! Speak, damn you, speak!"
"Please stop, Sandi." Mrs. Griffen sobbed. "You're hurting me!"
"Go to Hell!!!" Sandi finished off her mother, slitting her throat.
Mr. Griffen came home at that time. "Son of a bitch!" he yelled.
"I was the daughter of a bitch." said Sandi. "Wanna play a game, Daddy?"
"Oh God, OH GOD!" he yelled.
"God is dead. Just like you!" She stabbed her father in the stomache and began twisting
the knife. "Die, Daddy, die!" When she was done, she ran out of the house. She didn't stop running
untill she came to the old creek in the outskirts of town. She found a sewage drainage pipe and
hid in there. She sat there for hours, rocking back and forth.
For 5 years, Dirk had made the sewers his home. It was hand to mouth existance, but the
Morlocks had been kind to him. They were more like a family than his own had been. No one made
fun of his glowing eyes or the huge nodule on his head. No one hated and feared him for
his psychic abilities. The Morlocks were all a strange lot. It was his turn to scavenge for food.
He saw a girl with nut-brown hair sitting at the entrance. He tried to sense her mind, but he
got next to nothing. It was like trying to make some sense out of a fuzzy TV station. "Who are
you?" Dirk asked.
She looked up at him. Her face reminded Dirk of a picture he saw once of a rhino after
some poachers were done with it. "Are you a mutant, too?" he asked.
"N-no one loves me." she sobbed.
"You can live with us. My name is Dirk, some call me Psy-node. You're safe with the Morlocks."
"I'm Wart Girl."
Sandi may have been insane, but she kept elements of her personality. Namly, her bossines,
her natural charisma, her desire for power and leadership. She quickly gained followers among
the Morlocks.
"Do you think it's fair," she asked at one of her rallies. "that while we are so shunned
from humanity that we have to live with rats and waste water the rest of the world lives in nice
air conditioned houses and stuff themselves with more food than is good for them?"
"NO!" the Morlocks chorused.
"We may be ugly, but we have powers far superior to those pitifully weak above grounders! I say we take back the world above ground!
To Hell with humanity!"
"TO HELL WITH HUMANITY!!!!" Was the rallying cry.
The Morlocks came upon Lawndale like a wolf upon the fold. Most people who saw them were
wise to run away. The rest found themselves thrown far distances, knocked down, frozen in place
or simply driven insane. Stores were smashed and looted by the hoard of the ostracized mutants.
Dr. Shar's Cosmetic Surgery Clinic was broken into.
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!" Screamed the receptionist. "SEVERELY ugly people!" She ran away.
"Look," said Dr. Shar. "I know you people need work more than anyone I've seen but I don't
do walk ins. Now, if you'll make an appointment, I'll see about giving you group rates. Miss, I'm
affraid I'll have to ask you to put that li'l old scalpel dow-ow-bleaaghargh!" Wart Girl snuffed
out yet another life.
Another band of Morlocks pillaged Axl's Tattoo Hut. A female covered in huge quills got her
hands on a tattoo gun. "'Ere, now," yelled Axl. "Get yer 'ands offa that!" She hurled one of her
quills at him like a javelin. It went through the window. "Ah, 'elp yerself."
Meanwhile, window shopping at a music store across the street was Trent Lane, AKA "Sir Stretchalot."
Right after the spearlike quill shattered Axl's window the tattoo artist ran out screaming. A
chick that bore a strange resemblance to a porcupine followed, brandishing her new weapon. Trent
ducked in an ally way and whipped out his cell.
"Yo!" Jane answered.
"Janey, strange things are afoot at Dega Street. This looks like a job for the Formidable Four."
"To the Formobile!" cried Jane, hanging up the phone.
"Um...you mean Jesse's Range Rover?" asked Daria.
"Uh...yeah."
The Morlock's rein of terror was halted by the Formidable Four. "Hold it right there, Sewer Slime!" shouted Flamin' Jane.
"Who dares stop me?" demanded Wart Girl.
"We are the Formidable Four." said Sir Stretchalot. "And we won't let you destroy our city."
"It's the only one we have." said Hercules.
"You've literally cut off your nose to spite your face, Sandi." said Phantom. "You've bullied
around for too long! Now that we've finished our Sailor Moon shtick...."
"We shall punish you!" they chorused.
"I am not Sandi! I am Wart Girl! Morlocks! ATTACK!!!!''
"Well," said Phantom. "We didn't train all those months at Kenji's Dojo for nothing." She
became invisible as Morlocks surrounded them.
"Flame on! You're about to get whupped by the ever lovin' blue-eyed Jane!" Hercules and
Sir Stretchalot gave her a look. "What?"
Phantom started dealing out karate chops to the neck. This was difficult even for an
invisible fighter. Many of the Morlocks didn't have necks.
Flamin' Jane scattered fireballs left and right. "Lo-o-ove is a burning flame." she sang
as she worked. "That makes, a firey ring." She encircled some Morlocks with a fire jet. "And I
fell, to my desire. I fell into- a ring of fire." One Morlock broke through her defences. He was
7 feet tall and appeared to be made out of baked clay. He began to bear down on the Heroine of
Heat when Hercules grabbed the behemoth and hefted him over his head. "Thanks, Jess!"
"No! No one can beat the Golem!" The Morlock shouted.
"I just did." Hercules threw the Golem at a clutch of rampaging Morlocks.
Sir Stretchalot was all over the field- literally. His stretching ability allowed him to
judo throw one enemy while sweep kicking another. The Golem was back on his feet and going for
the occupied Rubbery Rocker. Phantom trapped the monster in an invisible dome.
"Oh, look!" said Jane. "A mime show!"She kept singing- badly. "I fell into a burning ring
of fire." She hurled a sheet of flame at her attackers. "I fell down, and the flames went higher.
And it burned, burned, burned..."
"Shut up Jane." said Daria.
"YOU!!" Screamed Wart Girl. "Dana, Darla, whoever-wherever you are. It's all YOUR fault
that I'm this walking freak show! I'll get you yet!"
Phantom was about to come up with a witty retort when she was struck with a sudden urge to
reveal herself. It seemed silly, even suicidal, but she couldn't resist. She willed herself to
become visible.
Sandi brandished a scalpel in one hand and a bone saw in the other. "THIS ENDS HERE, BRAIN!!" she bellowed.
"Bring it, Bitch!" Phantom challenged. Suddenly, she was attacked by another sudden urge.
*Kneel, kneel before the Goddess of the Wart! Accept your fate!*
"What?" Phantom asked the voice in her head. "No! I won't do it!"
*Kneel, scum! You deserve to die! On your knees!*
Phantom's legs collapsed under her. She wanted to fight. She wanted to put a force field
between herself and Wart Girl. She wanted to run. She could do nothing.
Flamin' Jane saw him. A gangly youth with glowing eyes and a bulbous node atop his head
was staring straight at Phantom- who was kneeling before a murderous Wart Girl. Flamin' Jane
volleyed a fireball at him. He went down. The spell broken, Phantom defended herself with
an invisible shield. Wart Girl screamed with rage as the shield turned her blade. Phantom enveloped
her long time foe in an invisible sphere.
"Here is your leader!" Phantom hoisted her captive in the air. "She is not infalable!"
"Man, fuck this shit." said the porcupine girl.
"I'm going back to the ssssssssewer!" hissed a reptillian mutant. The Morlocks who could, left.
"Come back!" Wart Girl cried, pounding on the wall of the sphere. "Don't leave me!"
Sir Steretchalot took out his cell and called the police. "Hi, Captain Granger, Sir Stretchalot.
We're gonna need your boys at Dega Street.....Nah, we've got it under control. All we need is
someone to take these creeps into custody"
The police came and arrested all the Morlocks who didn't escape. Phantom took away her
force field so they could arrest Wart Girl.
"Sandi Griffen," the officer said, cuffing her hands behind her back. "You are under
arrest for three counts of murder and inciting a riot. You have the right to remain silent...."
"I am not Sandi." she wept. "I am Wart Girl."
The next day, the Formidable Four watched the news from Casa Lane. The story was about
yesterday's incident.
"Turn it off." said Daria. "Living it once was enough."
"What do you think will happen to Sandi?" Jane asked.
"Massachusettes doesn't recognize the death penalty."Daria said. "Her lawyer will probably
plea insanity. All things considered, that plea will be successful."
"She's gonna be locked in a padded room for some time." Jane decided.
"What's wrong with padded rooms?" Daria asked.
"Damn shame about the two little Griffen boys." said Trent. "Saw what their sister did to
their parents and turned into a pair of gibbering idiots."
"They were halfway there anyway." said Daria.
"Sick, Sad World is on." Jane turned on the TV.
"Mutants tried to overthrow Lawndale, Massachusettes." said the announcer. "Could your town be next? Stay tuned to Sick, Sad World!"
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
"Eeew! Boys are icky!"
"If Daria had more of a Farrah Faucet hair do..."
"If you really THINK being a SUPERHERO is more IMPORTANT than learning about the HORROR that was the VIETNAM WAR then by
all means, go right AHEAD!"
"You will die, you worthless pig of a man!"
"Do not think I will hesitate to strike simply because you are female."
"Don't worry, this will only hurt a lot!"
"Well, it's not the first time I made friends with someone who bit me."
(A/N) Don't flame me! "Ring of Fire" belongs to the late, great Johnny Cash. I realize this fic is a bit gory. don't worry, I won't make a habit of it.
But Dr. Shar had to die. If I could think of a plausable way to do it, I'd kill Val too. They were one-shot characters but they were annoying as hell.
It's true, by the way. Massachusettes does not recognize the death penalty. I tried to base Sandi "Wart Girl" Griffen on Mole Man, but she came
out more like Callisto, just missing a nose instead of an eye. I myself once saw a show on the Discovery Channel where they showed a rhino
after the poachers were done with it. Here's the sad part. The poor rhino was still alive. It suffered while it's horn was being sawn off.
The "Plug it Up" sequence was inspired by Steven King's /Carrie/.
The next story will feature some O/Cs. The Kenji of Kenji's Dojo mentioned earlier is one of them.
The school year started for Jane and Daria started in a most unusual way. To start with,
students who had previously avoided them suddenly wanted to be their best friends. Wisely, the
girls took their classmate's praise with a grain of salt. They knew it was not Daria and Jane
everyone wanted to know, but Phantom and Flamin' Jane. Even more bizarre, the principal threw
them a surprise party in the middle of English Lit.
"Now, who can tell me what the myth of Psyche and Cupid teaches us?" asked Mr. O'Neil.
"Um... Be nice to your mother-in-law?" Brittany dimly answered.
"Don't open other people's mail?" offered Kevin.
O'Neil sighed. "Tell the class, Daria."
Daria was quite used to this. "The myth explains how detrimental petty jealosies can be.
Venus could only let go of her self-centered rage when she realized it was hurting someone she
loved, namely her son, Cupid."
"Very good, Daria!" he said. "Roman-Greco gods are presented as very human, with loves,
fears, jealousy..."
Just then, Ms. Li barged in, wheeling in a sheet cake. "Step aside, Mr. O'Niel," she said.
"I wish to honor the two superheroines of Laaaawndale High!"
"Gimme strength." Daria mumbled.
"Sorry," said Jane. "That's Jesse's department."
"Ms. Li," Mr.O'Neil said meekly. "We were just discussing mythology and..."
"Who cares about some dusty myths, O'Neil? We've got a pair of heros in this very room and
I've brought a cake and punch on their behalf. Now, line up everyone!"
The whole class queued up to receive a piece of cake with the words "Our Heros, Phantom &
Flamin' June" written in yellow and blue royal frosting.
"Think the punch is laced with cyanide?" Jane joked to her friend.
"I know it's not like Ms. Li to give out free refreshments." said Daria. "She has an ulterior motive."
"Don't look a gift cake in the mouth." said Jane, getting in line.
"No girls!" said Ms. Li. "To the front of the line with you!"
"Hey! They misspelled my name!" said Jane.
"I'm not hungry." Daria said as they returned to their desks. "I think I'll disappear for
awhile, before I get asked to sign another autograph." Daria vanished.
"More cake for me." Jane decided.
Sandi Griffen glared at the female half of the Formidable Four. "Who do they think they
are?" she rhetorically asked the rest of the Fashion Club. "They rescue a kid, stop a few robbers
and they suddenly think that makes them special or something."
"They're still ugly and dressed funny." observed Stacy. "But people seem to like them. I
don't get it."
"There's lots of things you don't get, Stacy." said Sandi.
"Quinn," asked Tiffany. "isn't. Phantom. like. your /cousin/. or. something?"
"Yeah." said Quinn. "Thank God no one in the family cares that she's doing all this hero
crap." God, thought Quinn. I don't know what I'd do if Mom and Dad started favoring Daria. I'm
the favorite, and I plan to keep it that way.
Sandi burned with envy. How dare Jane sit there and enjoy that cake, so superior in her
new status she doesn't even think about calories and saturated fat. And Daria or Phantom or
whoever just dissapears, thinking she's to good to let others see her. Fine. No one wants to
look at her homely face anyway. I wish to Hell they'd both disappear and never come back so
people would start worshipping me again, the way it's supposed to be.
At the end of the day an anouncment came over the intercom. "Attention" said Ms Li. "Will
Phantom and Flam-uh I mean Daria Morgendorfer and Jane Lane report to the principal's office."
Daria gave Jane an "I told you so" look and they headed for the office.
"Girls," said Ms. Li. "First, I want you to know that I've heard of your exploits over the
summer and I am very, very proud of you."
"Let me guess." said Daria. "Now you want us to use our powers to bring honor to Laaaaawndale High." Daria mocked Ms. Li's pronounciation.
"Very astute, Miss Morgendorfer." Ms. Li didn't pick up on the taunt. "These powers of yours
can be used in ways you never dreamed of. For example, as you may know, our library has a rather
leaky roof. Unfortunatly, we do not have the funds to fix it."
"You would if the football team didn't demand new uniforms." said Jane.
"Hear me out." said Ms. Li. "Now, suppose I took out a fire insurance policy on the library
and it met with an accident." She gave Jane a knowing wink.
"Ms Li, you're asking me to commit arson."said Jane.
"And Daria," Ms. Li continued. "Your powers are limitless! During games, you can always
walk out on the field and trip up the opposing team. And of course there's espionage and clandestine acquisition."
"Isn't that a fancy way of saying 'theft'?" asked Daria.
"Girls," said Ms. Li. "Just think of all the funds you could raise for me, I mean Laaawndale High."
"Your Freudian slip is showing." said Daria.
"This conversation is over." Jane said as they got up to leave.
"I hold your grades in my hands!" Ms. Li threatened.
"Don't worry about our grades." Jane told Daria as they walked home. "Jesse introduced me
to his brother, Danny. He's only 14, but he's a computer genius and he'd do just about anything
Jesse asked him to. He could just hack into the school computer and change our grades back.
He's done it before."
"So, you and Jesse are a couple now?'
"Not really." said Jane. "Jesse's sweet, but I can't get him to communicate." Jane smiled.
"Remember the little girl from the meet and greet the /Picayune/ sponsered? The one who named
Jesse 'Hercules.' Astrid, I think her name was."
"I remember her mother said she had anemia. I also remember she kept gazing at Jesse with
stars in her eyes. I think you have competition."
"Daria, she was only 11, and looked like she was 8. It was nice of Jesse to give her a piggy-back
ride. Still keeping in touch with the hunk who named you Phantom?"
"Harrold's a 35 year old computer programmer, married with a baby. Neither of us really
have time. How 'bout you and Rita? Have you heard from the girl who named you 'Flamin' Jane'?"
"She sent me an E-mail. She's dating Walter, the guy who came up with 'Sir Stretchalot'."
Jane chuckled. "Oh, he was a character. He belonged to the Society for Creative Anachronisms.
Liked to dress up and pretend it was still the Middle Ages."
"Trent was a good sport about the whole accolade ceremony Walter insisted on."
"And Jesse said he wanted to do more with sick kids. Like entertain at a hospital or something."
"As corny as it sounds, that's actually a good idea."
The next morning, Sandi awoke and went to the bathroom. She stopped to admire herself in
the mirror when she noticed something strangly amiss. Resting on the bridge of her nose was a
huge pus filled wart. She screeched."AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Sandi!" shouted Mrs. Griffen. "What the Hell is wrong with you?" She saw the wart. She screeched.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"What's up?" asked Mr. Griffen. "Dear Lord!" He tried not to be violently sick.
"Eeew! Gross!" Chris said admiringly.
"Ha Ha!" laughed Craig. "Sandi is a toad face!"
"Well, she can't go to school like that." Mrs. Griffen said flatly. "We're taking her to
the dermitologist. Chris, get me your ski mask."
The Griffens waited anxiously for hours in Dr. Hubbell's office. He came out with a distraught
and warty Sandi. "I'm sorry," said Dr. Hubbell. "The prognosis is not good."
"Dr. Hubbell," said Mrs. Griffen. "We want that wart off our daughter's nose. Money is no object."
"Mrs. Griffen, you can't solve this problem by throwing money at it." said Dr. Hubbell.
"Come into my lab. I'll explain everything." In the lab, he showed the Griffens an X-ray of
Sandi's head. "The wart on the bridge of your daughter's nose is directly connected to a nerve
that leads directly to her brain. An incision in this area could kill her- or worse."
"A topical ointment then?" Mrs. Griffen pleaded.
"I'm sorry." Dr. Hubbell appologized. "The dermal surface of this wart is the thickest and
most irregular I've ever seen. Nothing known to medical science can safely remove this wart."
"NO!" cried Mrs. Griffen. "You don't understand, Dr. Hubbell! My daughter is a total moron
with no skills or talents. Her looks are all she has going for her!"
Sandi tried to fight the tears in her eyes. She knew her mother spoke the truth, but it
hurt to hear it from her. She didn't even have her good looks anymore.
The Griffen's kept Sandi home for a week, hoping the wart would go away on its own. When
it didn't, they had no choice but to send her back to school.
Sandi kept her head down and hid her face behind her books. As she opened her locker, Stacy
approached. "Hey, Sandi," she said. "Where have you..." Stacy saw Sandi's reflection in her
make-up mirror. Stacy screamed and fainted. Pandemonium insued.
"Omigod! What happened?"
"Stacy fainted!"
"Jesus H. Christ! What the hell is that thing on Sandi's face?"
"That's the biggest damn pimple I ever saw!"
"Gross! She looks like a rhinocerous or something!"
Sandi covered her face with her hands and ran from the crowd. As she raced down the hall
she crashed into Chet Mason, the hunky tight end from the football team.
"Where's the fire, Sandi?" he asked. "Ya wanna go to Pizza King after..." Chet saw Sandi's
face and retched. "Never mind." he said.
All day, Sandi had to deal with stares, horrified looks and whispers. She ate lunch alone
for the first time in her life. Even the Fashion Club abandoned her.
After gym class, Sandi prepared for her shower. Something hit her in the back of the head.
Every one laughed. It was a tube of Cortizone 10.
"Who threw this?!" she demanded.
"I did!" said Angie. "Whatcha gonna do about it, Pinnochio?"
"Dry it up!" Andrea threw a bottle of witch hazel at her.
"Dry it up!" Brooke threw a box of Clearasil pads at her.
Skin care products rained on the naked Sandi.
''Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP! Dry it UP!"
"I'm sorry." said Daria. "But not even Sandi deserves this." She created an invisible
force field over Sandi. The girls became bored with bouncing pharmesuticals off an invisible
field and left.
"Who asked you to interfere, Ghost Girl, or whoever?" Sandi asked.
"It's Phantom." said Daria. "And you're welcome."
Sandi trembled with rage, jealousy, despair, and sorrow. How dare this geek become more
acceptable than her! "I hate you, Quinn's cousin!" she screamed.
When she got home, Sandi made a life changing decision. She would rather be dead than live
with a gargantuan wart on her nose. She took a butcher knife, and began cutting at the wart.
Sandi did not die. However, as soon as the sac of bloody pus fell in the kitchen sink,
Sandi began to chuckle maniacally. Mrs Griffen walked into the kitchen.
"Sandi! What the hell are you...."
"Sandi is dead! Only Wart Girl remains! You won't be so lucky, Mommy Dearest!"She plunged
the knife into her mother's shoulder. The thing that was Sandi continued to stab, oblivious to
the rivlets of blood and the rasping screams. "Say I'm ugly, Mommy! Tell me what an untalented
moron I am! Still think I'm clumsy, Mommy? Say something, Mommy! Speak, damn you, speak!"
"Please stop, Sandi." Mrs. Griffen sobbed. "You're hurting me!"
"Go to Hell!!!" Sandi finished off her mother, slitting her throat.
Mr. Griffen came home at that time. "Son of a bitch!" he yelled.
"I was the daughter of a bitch." said Sandi. "Wanna play a game, Daddy?"
"Oh God, OH GOD!" he yelled.
"God is dead. Just like you!" She stabbed her father in the stomache and began twisting
the knife. "Die, Daddy, die!" When she was done, she ran out of the house. She didn't stop running
untill she came to the old creek in the outskirts of town. She found a sewage drainage pipe and
hid in there. She sat there for hours, rocking back and forth.
For 5 years, Dirk had made the sewers his home. It was hand to mouth existance, but the
Morlocks had been kind to him. They were more like a family than his own had been. No one made
fun of his glowing eyes or the huge nodule on his head. No one hated and feared him for
his psychic abilities. The Morlocks were all a strange lot. It was his turn to scavenge for food.
He saw a girl with nut-brown hair sitting at the entrance. He tried to sense her mind, but he
got next to nothing. It was like trying to make some sense out of a fuzzy TV station. "Who are
you?" Dirk asked.
She looked up at him. Her face reminded Dirk of a picture he saw once of a rhino after
some poachers were done with it. "Are you a mutant, too?" he asked.
"N-no one loves me." she sobbed.
"You can live with us. My name is Dirk, some call me Psy-node. You're safe with the Morlocks."
"I'm Wart Girl."
Sandi may have been insane, but she kept elements of her personality. Namly, her bossines,
her natural charisma, her desire for power and leadership. She quickly gained followers among
the Morlocks.
"Do you think it's fair," she asked at one of her rallies. "that while we are so shunned
from humanity that we have to live with rats and waste water the rest of the world lives in nice
air conditioned houses and stuff themselves with more food than is good for them?"
"NO!" the Morlocks chorused.
"We may be ugly, but we have powers far superior to those pitifully weak above grounders! I say we take back the world above ground!
To Hell with humanity!"
"TO HELL WITH HUMANITY!!!!" Was the rallying cry.
The Morlocks came upon Lawndale like a wolf upon the fold. Most people who saw them were
wise to run away. The rest found themselves thrown far distances, knocked down, frozen in place
or simply driven insane. Stores were smashed and looted by the hoard of the ostracized mutants.
Dr. Shar's Cosmetic Surgery Clinic was broken into.
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!" Screamed the receptionist. "SEVERELY ugly people!" She ran away.
"Look," said Dr. Shar. "I know you people need work more than anyone I've seen but I don't
do walk ins. Now, if you'll make an appointment, I'll see about giving you group rates. Miss, I'm
affraid I'll have to ask you to put that li'l old scalpel dow-ow-bleaaghargh!" Wart Girl snuffed
out yet another life.
Another band of Morlocks pillaged Axl's Tattoo Hut. A female covered in huge quills got her
hands on a tattoo gun. "'Ere, now," yelled Axl. "Get yer 'ands offa that!" She hurled one of her
quills at him like a javelin. It went through the window. "Ah, 'elp yerself."
Meanwhile, window shopping at a music store across the street was Trent Lane, AKA "Sir Stretchalot."
Right after the spearlike quill shattered Axl's window the tattoo artist ran out screaming. A
chick that bore a strange resemblance to a porcupine followed, brandishing her new weapon. Trent
ducked in an ally way and whipped out his cell.
"Yo!" Jane answered.
"Janey, strange things are afoot at Dega Street. This looks like a job for the Formidable Four."
"To the Formobile!" cried Jane, hanging up the phone.
"Um...you mean Jesse's Range Rover?" asked Daria.
"Uh...yeah."
The Morlock's rein of terror was halted by the Formidable Four. "Hold it right there, Sewer Slime!" shouted Flamin' Jane.
"Who dares stop me?" demanded Wart Girl.
"We are the Formidable Four." said Sir Stretchalot. "And we won't let you destroy our city."
"It's the only one we have." said Hercules.
"You've literally cut off your nose to spite your face, Sandi." said Phantom. "You've bullied
around for too long! Now that we've finished our Sailor Moon shtick...."
"We shall punish you!" they chorused.
"I am not Sandi! I am Wart Girl! Morlocks! ATTACK!!!!''
"Well," said Phantom. "We didn't train all those months at Kenji's Dojo for nothing." She
became invisible as Morlocks surrounded them.
"Flame on! You're about to get whupped by the ever lovin' blue-eyed Jane!" Hercules and
Sir Stretchalot gave her a look. "What?"
Phantom started dealing out karate chops to the neck. This was difficult even for an
invisible fighter. Many of the Morlocks didn't have necks.
Flamin' Jane scattered fireballs left and right. "Lo-o-ove is a burning flame." she sang
as she worked. "That makes, a firey ring." She encircled some Morlocks with a fire jet. "And I
fell, to my desire. I fell into- a ring of fire." One Morlock broke through her defences. He was
7 feet tall and appeared to be made out of baked clay. He began to bear down on the Heroine of
Heat when Hercules grabbed the behemoth and hefted him over his head. "Thanks, Jess!"
"No! No one can beat the Golem!" The Morlock shouted.
"I just did." Hercules threw the Golem at a clutch of rampaging Morlocks.
Sir Stretchalot was all over the field- literally. His stretching ability allowed him to
judo throw one enemy while sweep kicking another. The Golem was back on his feet and going for
the occupied Rubbery Rocker. Phantom trapped the monster in an invisible dome.
"Oh, look!" said Jane. "A mime show!"She kept singing- badly. "I fell into a burning ring
of fire." She hurled a sheet of flame at her attackers. "I fell down, and the flames went higher.
And it burned, burned, burned..."
"Shut up Jane." said Daria.
"YOU!!" Screamed Wart Girl. "Dana, Darla, whoever-wherever you are. It's all YOUR fault
that I'm this walking freak show! I'll get you yet!"
Phantom was about to come up with a witty retort when she was struck with a sudden urge to
reveal herself. It seemed silly, even suicidal, but she couldn't resist. She willed herself to
become visible.
Sandi brandished a scalpel in one hand and a bone saw in the other. "THIS ENDS HERE, BRAIN!!" she bellowed.
"Bring it, Bitch!" Phantom challenged. Suddenly, she was attacked by another sudden urge.
*Kneel, kneel before the Goddess of the Wart! Accept your fate!*
"What?" Phantom asked the voice in her head. "No! I won't do it!"
*Kneel, scum! You deserve to die! On your knees!*
Phantom's legs collapsed under her. She wanted to fight. She wanted to put a force field
between herself and Wart Girl. She wanted to run. She could do nothing.
Flamin' Jane saw him. A gangly youth with glowing eyes and a bulbous node atop his head
was staring straight at Phantom- who was kneeling before a murderous Wart Girl. Flamin' Jane
volleyed a fireball at him. He went down. The spell broken, Phantom defended herself with
an invisible shield. Wart Girl screamed with rage as the shield turned her blade. Phantom enveloped
her long time foe in an invisible sphere.
"Here is your leader!" Phantom hoisted her captive in the air. "She is not infalable!"
"Man, fuck this shit." said the porcupine girl.
"I'm going back to the ssssssssewer!" hissed a reptillian mutant. The Morlocks who could, left.
"Come back!" Wart Girl cried, pounding on the wall of the sphere. "Don't leave me!"
Sir Steretchalot took out his cell and called the police. "Hi, Captain Granger, Sir Stretchalot.
We're gonna need your boys at Dega Street.....Nah, we've got it under control. All we need is
someone to take these creeps into custody"
The police came and arrested all the Morlocks who didn't escape. Phantom took away her
force field so they could arrest Wart Girl.
"Sandi Griffen," the officer said, cuffing her hands behind her back. "You are under
arrest for three counts of murder and inciting a riot. You have the right to remain silent...."
"I am not Sandi." she wept. "I am Wart Girl."
The next day, the Formidable Four watched the news from Casa Lane. The story was about
yesterday's incident.
"Turn it off." said Daria. "Living it once was enough."
"What do you think will happen to Sandi?" Jane asked.
"Massachusettes doesn't recognize the death penalty."Daria said. "Her lawyer will probably
plea insanity. All things considered, that plea will be successful."
"She's gonna be locked in a padded room for some time." Jane decided.
"What's wrong with padded rooms?" Daria asked.
"Damn shame about the two little Griffen boys." said Trent. "Saw what their sister did to
their parents and turned into a pair of gibbering idiots."
"They were halfway there anyway." said Daria.
"Sick, Sad World is on." Jane turned on the TV.
"Mutants tried to overthrow Lawndale, Massachusettes." said the announcer. "Could your town be next? Stay tuned to Sick, Sad World!"
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
"Eeew! Boys are icky!"
"If Daria had more of a Farrah Faucet hair do..."
"If you really THINK being a SUPERHERO is more IMPORTANT than learning about the HORROR that was the VIETNAM WAR then by
all means, go right AHEAD!"
"You will die, you worthless pig of a man!"
"Do not think I will hesitate to strike simply because you are female."
"Don't worry, this will only hurt a lot!"
"Well, it's not the first time I made friends with someone who bit me."
(A/N) Don't flame me! "Ring of Fire" belongs to the late, great Johnny Cash. I realize this fic is a bit gory. don't worry, I won't make a habit of it.
But Dr. Shar had to die. If I could think of a plausable way to do it, I'd kill Val too. They were one-shot characters but they were annoying as hell.
It's true, by the way. Massachusettes does not recognize the death penalty. I tried to base Sandi "Wart Girl" Griffen on Mole Man, but she came
out more like Callisto, just missing a nose instead of an eye. I myself once saw a show on the Discovery Channel where they showed a rhino
after the poachers were done with it. Here's the sad part. The poor rhino was still alive. It suffered while it's horn was being sawn off.
The "Plug it Up" sequence was inspired by Steven King's /Carrie/.
The next story will feature some O/Cs. The Kenji of Kenji's Dojo mentioned earlier is one of them.