"If you have something to say Hera, don't just stand there. Just go ahead and say it." Kanan can literally feel Hera's eyes drilling into the back of his head even as he packs several pairs of clothing from the drawers underneath his bunk into a bag, methodically finishing up the last of his pre-trip chores for the evening.
Hera's voice in hesitant. "I'm not sure honestly, Kanan, where to even start at the moment."
"The beginning is a pretty good place, Hera, generally."
"Maybe so, Love. When I know where that technically is. At the moment though," The Twi'lek shrugs her shoulders, "I kind of feel a little bit like some sort of Rip Van Winkle, Kanan."
That admission earns Hera a very soft laugh – wry, dark, not particularly all that amused, but also not exactly sarcastic or angry or confrontational either. Because honestly Kanan's just too damn weary for words – muchless to deliberately court unneeded confrontation. "We haven't changed all that much Hera, since we got back to Yavin, no matter what you probably think… Ezra's just a little shorter right now and on some topics, so is my temper."
Hera snorts at that, soft and a little wry, though also unpinned with a thick coat of newly uncovered personal empathy. "Believe me, Love, both Sabine and I are more than aware at the moment."
Kanan sighs aloud at that acknowledgement. "Don't worry about it Hera. I promise you that I will clear the air with Sabine before I go – though some part of me really does think that there ought to be some kind of actual consequences outside of her just getting yelled at considering what her carelessness actually catalyzed today. She definitely knows better, and Ezra paid for it, but I'm also aware enough now to grasp that I did let things get out of hand in the midst the everything Ezra and I are coping with after everything that happened."
"That's actually what I want to talk about myself Kanan." Hera steps closer, a hand reaching out to grasp Kanan's upper arm and tug him upright from the floor, albeit gently.
"I'm not done here, Hera," He protests.
"Yes. You are Kanan. For the moment at least." His lover informs him a little sternly. "You and I are both going back to my room to lie down together for a bit – to talk a bit yes, but more so just because I want to hold you for a little while, frankly."
"Hera," He protests again, "I still have stuff that needs to be…"
"Uh uh. This is not a suggestion right now Kanan. I know I've been busy – and probably more so than I really needed to be over the past week of so, as I tried to sort through some of the banthashit currently stinking up the inside of my own head. But quite obviously I'm not the only one who's been struggling with everything recently. If you needed more help or comfort than you were getting love, you kriffing well should have told me. Especially if you're dealing right now with all the stuff you just explained to Dr Agel but never even as much as hinted at to me."
"You've had other important obligations too Hera." He answers her simply – well aware of both his communicative limitations in matters psi-related as well as Hera's general hierarchy of priorities. Unless things are life or death or mission related, he's the one who always runs point when it comes to, as he puts it once, dealing with small-fire issues concerning the kids. It's not that Hera doesn't care about all of them mind you – Kanan knows karking well that she does, its just that she's also got far more non-specter related commitments than he does, thanks to her role as a rebellion squadron commander, which means most of what Hera ends up knowing or doing where Sabine or Ezra or concerned is usually less proactively than it is in retrospect.
And honestly? Most of the time Kanan is pretty much okay with that arrangement. It works for them– for the most part anyway, if okay some days he does find it frustrating because it almost always eventually leads up to this precise kind of post-crisis, usually wall-hitting conversation.
Because Kanan tries – he really, truly does, to keep her up to date on things. To let Hera know as soon as possible if anything has happened that's particularly unusual or important and therefore requires more of her actual attention. But sometimes if he's honest? He feels as if when he tries to do just that, he and Hera are speaking two separate languages. Because inevitably when Kanan's at his weariest, the two of them have very different grasps on the obvious.
Case in point – he's about to dragged to Hera's room right now, and essentially offered the chance for a comfort- snuggle if he wants it. (Which yes, generally he does.) Because judging by his lover's reaction to his earlier words while they'd been in Medlab, Hera'd been truly blindsided by the details of the day to day reality that Kanan had been describing for the doctor, even though he'd honestly thought that when he and Ezra's link had broken and reforged on the day Ezra fell in that cave Kanan had thought he'd been very clear about explaining what was happening – what exactly had caused his atypical if completely unconcealed initial wild swing of both negative and positive emotions.
Only Hera hadn't understood him – or had assumed the effect of what had happened was only minor and temporary – something he'd apparently shrugged off in only a day or so, and now when she finally realized otherwise she's apparently decided he's entitled to some extra hovering and TLC as a result. Never mind he's had to find a mostly solo way a coping in the interim.
A mental and emotional way of dealing that's actually harder to switch off that simply continue to lean on in the here and now moment.
And yeah, maybe it's partly Kanan's fault that Hera didn't know before now how much stress he's still been under – he's pretty much awful even on his best days about talking all that much about his less pleasant feelings, and there is little in the Galaxy that he wants to talk about less than what had happened when Ezra died at the moment. Not when the subject involves explanations of things he pretty much lacks adequate language for from a technical perspective on top of the fact that it leaves him feeling so raw and vulnerable and Force damned near to helpless.
Hera though, isn't going to be content to let things be. Especially with him and Ezra leaving with Rex tomorrow afternoon– she isn't happy about their little vacation just in general – especially not after what Kanan's just acknowledged, though he also guesses she isn't going to try and fight him any further on the subject after everything he's just admitted to being actively struggling with. But she also isn't going to want to let him and Ezra hare off up north after everything she's just learned without wanting to clear the air first and do some level of one to one check in with Kanan at least.
Which would be fine. Really it would. If Kanan had any real idea himself how he feels about most of this in the broader perspective. The truth of the matter though is, right he's just locked in a giant holding pattern basically. One defined by worry for Ezra, lingering soul deep exhaustion and ongoing if brief moments of personal revelation about his current life that he just wishes would damn well STOP truthfully.
He hasn't been sleeping well the last two weeks. His personal meditation's also been going poorly. Not because he's avoiding stuff …at least deliberately anyway. More like because his life in general has just been more than a little overwhelming, to the degree that it has all been wearing Kanan down to literally his last nerve to speak frankly. Especially the ongoing situation with Sabine.
Because yes, Kanan understands logically at least why the Mandalorian has been acting the way that she has. He knows she's guilty and angry and more than a little bit terrified that alive or not what's happened to Ezra has essentially permanently cost her the 'life' of her unacknowledged best friend.
She's essentially missing the obvious thanks to her currently blinding grief.
Because Sabine and Zeb and Hera aren't Kanan – they've got working eyes but not Ezra and Kanan's psychic connection to help them, so they don't really grasp yet how little Ezra actually has changed despite everything that's occurred. At least not in the kids' overall nature anyway.
All they see now is the changes in Ezra's physical condition, as well as the hopefully temporary changes in his behavior that have been caused by the changes in his hormones and shielding.
And they're all still clearly in denial about the likely permanence of the whole situation basically.
Because really? Everyone but Kanan himself - and probably Ezra - who seems about as resigned as Kanan is to the long haul ahead for no other reason but plain old cynicism as far as Kanan can tell - are still looking at their current circumstances right now and for the most part labeling Ezra's current situation as 'inconvenient' and 'hopefully temporary.' They assume that any steps the Ash'taan'aleki may come up with to help re-age Ezra will automatically be safe, fast and easy.
They don't really grasp the sheer level of damage Ezra's fall had caused to his body. Or the level of effort that had gone into the Ash-taan-aleki restoring it as they had to literally any kind of reasonably whole and healthy state. "We have repaired what we can of your child, Sir Knight, in thanks for his courage and bravery. But we could not, we confess, heal all his wounds in entirety. Some brokenness is soul deep. Instead we offer an opportunity for the broken parts of this child of light to grow upright anew."
That was what the lead healer of the group of Aliens - who had appeared before them with the newly healed Ezra - had projected, whisper soft into the depths of Kanan's head as she laid him in his arms. "He is altered, but also what he's always been."
Hera had asked their hosts, naturally, once she'd actually found her voice out of the quagmire of shock that had encapsulated all of them, if there wasn't a way for them to re-age Ezra in the same way that they'd apparently de-aged him as part of the healing process… and she'd been more than a little befuddled when she'd been informed that though their hosts might change their views on the subject after a few more months had passed, and Ezra had had time to strengthen, at present they simply didn't consider that an either safe or particularly wise option, especially since as they'd put it, his MIND as it had been before the fall was completely intact.
They'd also seemed confused to a degree, unless Kanan misses his guess, by Hera's need to ask the question at all - but then again the non-humanoid beings had all been strongly telepathic, and Kanan strongly suspects that the group of them hadn't been fully able to comprehend why Hera…who didn't perceive the world in all the same ways that Kanan and they did, how little Ezra had actually changed in any truly meaningful aspect.
After all, whether eighteen years old or seven, Ezra was still as strong in the force as he'd been before, still as bright of a beacon, still as tasty a potential target for manipulators. Still as large a bundle of only partially met need and unresolved expectation. He's still just as desperately in need of both company and guidance, protection as he always has been.
Ezra hasn't changed that much since he fell. At least not fundamentally. It's just that now he looks as in need of sheltering as he actually is. At age seven Ezra clearly appears as vulnerable and in need of long term nurturing as he's always been truthfully. It's just not *hidden* so effortlessly behind an eighteen year old's body or his usual shy half smirk anymore…
Ezra hasn't changed…well except a little bit in body. But Hera doesn't seem to grasp that….Instead his lover is currently just fighting in order to push through and endure this 'minor hiccup' as she'd called it once – to somehow outlast the reality of them having not two largely self-supportive teenagers any longer, but one teenager and one needy, tiny hurting, terrified little kid.
A kid who isn't actually going anywhere at all anytime soon no matter what Hera thinks, at least not unless Kanan completely misses his guess. And right now Kanan literally has no idea at all as to how to explain that reality to Hera in a way that will get or keep her attention. Or how, if he can manage to do so eventually get that message across Hera will then comes to terms with the truth and how it's potentially going to change everything for all of them.
Because Hera Syndulla never signed on for a seven-year-old. Taking on Ezra if they'd encountered him at that age back on Lothal would have been an entirely different ballgame then what had actually happened when they first met him…Kanan's not naive to that fact.
After all a tiny seven-year-old Ezra, both he and Hera would have doubtless tried their best to convince themselves, would have deserved – would have needed something much closer to a normal sort of life than the nomadic one that they could offer aboard The Ghost. A life without so much danger and preferably with a normal home life and maybe a legally adoptive set of parents.
A fourteen-year-old street rat after all could look at a life with a bunch of nomadic rebellion thieves and essentially see it as an upswing from his previous reality of life on the street. But turning a seven-year-old into part of the same kind of lifestyle would definitely not have been the same thing.
It isn't the same thing now either, truthfully speaking.
After all, Ezra may not be mentally seven – anything but – but whether or not the former teenager has come to grips with it or not yet himself (and probably not – Kanan's guessing given how generally unpanicked and un-angry Ezra has generally been about this so far) the Kid just plain isn't in the position he had been a month or so ago. Ezra's recent physical change have booted him out of far more than just a Phoenix Squadron cockpit.
Because yeah, maybe the kid can still learn to fight as well in a x wing as he'd done before all of this happened– and maybe he could quickly adapt to defending himself with a lightsaber at the same skill level level as he had before he fell with some additional drilling and after that was all done maybe he could keep right on fighting with the same level of commitment to the the Rebel resistance. But only if Hera and Kanan and Sabine and Zeb– and the rest of the rebellion as a whole for that matter – were actually willing to simply look away and *let him.*
And the truth is, a part of Kanan is absolutely terrified right now to discover just how the Rebellion might actually respond to such a desire from his Padawan truthfully speaking.
Would most of Rebel Command outright refuse on basic principle if Ezra tries to go on as if nothing has changed – which would grate on Ezra terribly and likely drive him into a deep if temporary depression that Kanan would no doubt have to drag him back out of. Or would they basically tell themselves. 'Yeah the kid is seven but he's a JEDI. There's a war on. Sometimes you have to make some uneasy exceptions.'
Because Kanan…?
Kanan honestly can't decide how he'd respond to that banthakriff if it happened.
Other than badly. Epic-ally, world alteringly badly.
Because Kanan's young yeah but he's not stupid, nor is he ignorant of history. The Jedi order had been wiped out the first time around in large part because its own members had allowed themselves – as well as their karking CHILDREN to be essentially turned into weapons by the Republic. Even though at the time it had been more than a little uneasy.
And Kanan honestly doesn't know – doesn't want to know what he'd have to think or to become, if he ever had to stare down that kind of undeniable proof that the rebellion as a whole would willingly do the same thing to Ezra as well in the name of convenience. Kanan thinks – he hopes to hell rather, that it would never come down to that. But the problem is that he really isn't *certain.*
Which raises some kriffing uncomfortable questions for him, if Kanan's absolutely honest with himself, about the life he's consented to him and his Padawan living up until now.
Because like it or not, whether Ezra stays seven years old or not – the past few weeks have changed practically everything for both better and worse. Because now Kanan's seeing things now he has no real method of unseeing anymore. Things that are going to to have long term consequences for all of them, whether Kanan wants them to or not. Because really how big of a hypocrite is Kanan really prepared to be in the end?
If everything he'd used to describe Ezra above in terms of nature is virtually unchanged despite his relative age or size – if the unfairness of Ezra being made into a literal child of war at age seven is just as much about his emotional state as his physical limitations…then really what the kark has Kanan been doing up until now but seeing the same damn kid used as a tool for years while turning a blind eye to that reality because he didn't know how to actually face up to it?
What the Force is Kanan supposed to do now? Because he's seriously starting to think that he's either in the middle of a major philosophical crisis or he's blowing literally everything in his life out of proportion as a result of everything that's recently happened.
And he honestly doesn't know at the moment if he's hit the height of irrationality or finally come to his damn senses.
Which leads him to a place that he doesn't know where to be. In this moment and this time. Standing outside the door to Hera's room. Then putting his boots by the entryway and at last his body laying beside hers on the bed. Frozen in a way that almost defies real explanation.
Historically– when Kanan hits this particular kind of wall of doubt in his life he copes by doing one of three things.
He drinks, he talks to Hera or he meditates. Sometimes he does all three in combination.
But Hera – at least indirectly is part of the problem at the moment.
Because her allegiances…her end goals, her commitments to a life with the rebellion have never been a secret to Kanan. They have never even for a second been in any kind of question. And up until recent? Kanan's always basically been okay for the most part with living with that.
Because yeah they've had their issues…but there's always been room for compromise though. There's always been enough space to make room for the good and needs of all of them. There may not be anymore, though, if Ezra stays this small – especially if any significant portion of the rebellion as a whole shows that it has no qualms at all with still continuing to try and use him as their tool or their weapon regardless of his personal circumstances. Which is something that Kanan can not and *will not* allow to happen.
Kanan's pretty sure if he's not paranoid and even half justified in his fears that he and Hera are going to hit a serious impass as to their current personal commitments very very soon, and frankly the idea is kriffing terrifying. Because yes Kanan loves Hera – more than he has words for really – she has been the cornerstone of his life for literal years and years now. But his commitments to her as a lover and best friend have never really come into this kind of potential conflict before...not with the additional responsibilities that Kanan's shouldered as both a Master and a parent. He'd simply never imagined being in this kind of potentially catch-22.
Because Ezra? Is seven. And small, and whether he admits it or not literally terrified by his current circumstances. The kid can't possibly not be - he simply can't. Not with his previous history of repeated rejection and abandonment. Not after what had happened to him the last time around that Ezra was this age especially.
Because no – Kanan hasn't missed that irony – though he's pretty sure at this point that the rest of the Ghost crew hasn't really registered the reality. Ezra had basically glossed it over earlier at breakfast but Kanan hadn't for even a second failed to overlook the truth that the last time he'd been this small, the last time he'd been this vulnerable? The Kid's life had literally collapsed when his parents were arrested suddenly. Every bit of security and innocence and safety he'd had up to that point in his life had been all but instantly been violently ripped away from him.
And now? Subconsciously or not, Kanan's pretty sure that at least some portion of Ezra is all but curled in on himself, waiting for it to happen again. Tomorrow for certain, if not maybe today.
Not that it's going to happen, mind you, if Kanan has any power at all to prevent it of course. Because the kid has another think coming if he truly believes that anything short of death is going to ever cut his existent ties with Kanan at this point. Yeah the older Jedi may have taken a while to commit – he'll be the first to one admit it – even a bit ashamedly, but once Kanan's in, Kanan's karking force-damned in.
Karabast, the kid is going to be 120 with dozens Grandkids on his hands and still probably trying to run away from Force Ghost him.
'Be careful what you wish for Kid,' Kanan thinks more than a little bit wryly, 'because the universe is an ironic karking bitch sometimes, and just when you least expect to, you might actually get it at levels and for durations you hadn't quite anticipated.'
Kanan had known from the start – which is is probably a large part of why he waffled as long as he did about taking on Ezra as crew, that once some elements once they meet and interact, can't ever entirely be separated again. And Zeb, as much as Kanan still half winces every single kriffing time the Lasat makes a reference to parent-child bonding, had been absolutely right.
Kanan Jarrus has a Padawan, sure. But more importantly than that? He's essentially got a son.
Which yes, as it turns out is an entirely different sort of commitment. Because while Kanan Jarrus the Master can and will eventually let go with pride when Ezra Bridger is ready to be out and on his own, Kanan Jarrus the parent watched his kid fall to his death over two weeks ago. And yeah he's pretty much ready afterwards to KRIFF any sort of claims to true non-attachment.
Apparently that level of Jedi discipline is simply beyond Kanan at this point in his life, but also ironically he's pretty sure at this point he's more than content to live with the fact. Because if he's not the typical Jedi…well than he's never had the typical student either has he? And perfect adherence to all the Jedi tenets doesn't actually serve either Ezra or him at this point in their lives. Theory after all tends to buckle under the pressure of reality because it's meant to, Kanan figures. You only know what supports will hold in the end when you actually have to test them.
Kanan Jarrus is Jedi, yes, but he's also a parent. And no as it turns out, despite everything he'd ever heard in his childhood in the temple, the two things don't appear to have to be mutually exclusive.
Now to just figure out how to help Ezra come to grips with the same thing. To make sure he realizes that no matter what else has changed in his life recently, some things aren't going to. Ever. Not if Kanan has any say in it anyway.
Ezra Bridger isn't an orphan anymore. He hasn't been for awhile now truthfully speaking. And Force bless the road he never will be again.
That's the one – the only real promise at this point about their future that Kanan is prepared to make. Everything else, well, is pretty much a giant question mark at the end of a whole list of questions that Kanan's frankly terrified to even think about at the moment Muchless talk about.
But he'll do it anyway. Not because he wants to– because he has to. Because his duty and his love both require at that much courage at least from him at present.
And really? There's no time for starting that particular ball rolling like right now.
He draws in a deep breath, reaches out to take Hera's hand, where its resting on his chest from how she's wrapped her arms around him, her quiet body pressed up against his back from behind, her nose pressed into his neck, the only sound she's made since they laid down together the quiet of the room the slow in and exhalation of her breath.
"So…Hera." He begins, in a voice he tries to pretend isn't just inches from actually breaking," Before Ezra and I head up north with Rex. I know you probably have a couple of questions. But I…." He swallows hard twice around the lump in his throat. "I also need to talk to you about a couple of thing that are…well pretty important frankly speaking."
She kisses his shoulder softly. "All right Love, I'm here and I'm listening."
Audiofic of Chapter 5 & 6 is here
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