Warning: Graphic mentions/descriptions of Self Harming within this story, Don't read if this kind of thing offends you and please no abuse.
Disclaimer: Lyrics belong to Amy Lee and Evanescence. Jen and Gibbs belong to CBS etc.
Set right after Kill Ari Part 1 where Jen and Gibbs met again for the first time after she left him in Paris.
For Hayden you have held my hand through all of the times I couldn't fight my monsters alone, Thank you for everything xoxo
Missing.
You
won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I
that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something
missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
She took a deep breathe and smiled at NCIS Director soon to be ex Director Tom Morrow as he lead her into MTAC.
"So I think the only Agent that will give you any trouble is one Leory Jethro Gibbs" Tom explained to her sitting down and motioning for her to sit beside him which she did.
When she heard the name 'Leory Jethro Gibbs' Her eyes widended immediatly
Tom noticed this and couldn't help but smile 'Ahhh so maybe all those rumours were true all those years ago' He thought to himself
"Do you know Jethro?" He asked her scanning her face for any signs of angst
She smiled tightly "We did a mission a long time ago together, I haven't seen him since" She told him carefuly
He nodded and then a tech walked over to him handing him a folded piece of paper announcing that one Leory Jethro Gibb was waiting for him outside.
Tom nodded and the tech and told him to let him enter, A few seconds later Jen found herself turning around and looking into the ice blue eyes that used to make her feel so safe and warm, But now they were full of suprise, hate but most of all hurt.
"Hello Jethro" She said softly wanting nothing more than to reach out and link her fingers through his like they had many years before in Paris, But she knew that was something she could never do again and that made her sadder than she had felt in a long time.
"J--J--Jen" He stammered shocked to see the one women who he had loved with all of his heart, Standing before him wearing a short skirt and blouse that left enough to the imagaination but showed enough that it made him want to pull her close to him to see if she still smelt the same, If the same spot on her neck still drove her crazy.
Tom Morrow watched the exchange and looks between the two with interest after a few minutes he coughed and dragged their attention back to him "Jethro, I want you to meet your new boss NCIS Director Jennifer Shepard" He said
Gibb's eyes widended as Tom said Director and he felt his heart harden and his mind wander back to the letter he had found back in Paris, She had left him for the job once and now she had bought back to him by the job.
Tom then shook Jethro's hand and wished Jenny luck then he was gone leaving the two of them alone still staring at each other words not needed their eyes and body language speaking more loudly than any words could.
"Jethro" She said reaching her hand out to touch his arm
But it was like she was on fire for he stepped back sharply from her "Don't" He told her harshly
Then before she could say or do anything he had turned on his heel and stormed out of MTAC the sound of the heavy door slamming shut echoing in her mind taunting her.
And
if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep
just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't
something missing?
Isn't something...
She couldn't stop the voice in her mind taunting her, screaming at her how it was all her fault how she deserved this pain It's all your fault Jenny look at you. How could you even think that he would love you again, you walked away from him, you broke his heart and now you want him back you are even more stupid than I thought, The voice taunted her cruely.
She closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands and shook her head trying to stop the tears and shake away the voice but it didn't work, Instead the voice got stronger she tried everything to stop it but nothing worked finally she knew what she had to do, Her mind felt clearer now that it had in a long time she felt almost calm as she rose from her bed and walked over to the bathroom and pulled the scissors from the cabinet shelf. She stared down at how they seemed to glisten in the harsh light of her bathroom, against the white basin they stood out calling out to her to use them to make her pain away suddenly the voice came back strong but comforting at the same time All you have to do is a few cuts Jenny and it will all be better, no more pain, no more thinking about him anymore it promised her. She nodded as if the voice was a person sitting on the bathroom floor with her, she slowly rolled up her sleeve looking at the half healed scars that already criss crossed over her lily white skin she winced as she thought about how ugly they looked angry, red risen scars but once again the voice was there to reassure her, Its ok Jenny they don't matter all that matters is making the pain go away. Once again she nodded as if it was in the room with her.
She then closed her eyes and pressed the scissors at first gently then deeper into the soft skin of her arm, She cried out as she felt the warm flow of blood running down her arm but she didn't stop after a few instead she moved the scissors to further up her arm and dug them in once again this time harder and deeper she pulled the scissors away sharply when she felt the stabbing sensation start to flow through her body, Not long after followed the rush of feeling good once again. The warm trails of blood down her arm didn't stop and she snapped her eyes open and stared at her arm and couldn't stop herself from gasping.
She had been expecting a little blood but not the amount that flowed down her arm down onto her pj bottoms, onto the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. She couldn't stop the tears flowing just as freely as the blood from her arm. She moved to push herself up from the cold floor but found that her arm wouldn't support her, frustrated, upset, angry and scared she cried out then slid down so she was lying on her side on the cool tiles of her bathroom she held her arm up a little and watched as the blood flowed down in red ribbons falling from her arm splashing onto the tiles beside her, She then realised that one of the cuts that was bleeding so freely was very near her wrist this scared her and made her want to pull herself up and call for help but then the voice came back assuring her Don't worry Jenny, It can't hurt you anymore isn't this pain better than thinking about him? This time she shook her head but she felt so tired, her limbs felt so heavy and she felt herself start to slip away she started sobbing loudly wishing that she could go back, that she could undo the last cut to her wrist she wished that someone would wonder where she was and come looking for her before it was to late as her eyes closed she felt the voice talking soothing words to her like it was wrapping a blanket around her keeping her safe from the darkness.
Even
though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though
I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something
missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
She heard someone calling her name and shaking her shoulder frantically, She thought it was a dream and moved to push them away but almost screamed at the sudden sharp shooting pain that came from the arm she had tried to move. She then felt strong warm hands wrapping something around her arm and demanding to know what she had done? How long had she been on the floor for? Did she think she could walk? She couldn't open her eyes she felt so tired, So heavy still all she wanted was for this person to leave her alone, To let sleep take her away from the pain she was feeling but they wouldn't leave her alone. She heard them pleading her to open her eyes but she couldn't they felt so so heavy. She then faintly heard them calling for a ambulance but the voice felt so, so far away from her she wanted to open her eyes and push this person away, she wanted to tell them that she didn't want their help or anyones help she just wanted to forget, forget the pain, the heartbreak, the hurt. But she then felt them pick her up and hold her close against them, She tried to open her eyes but only managed to flutter them open for a few seconds. "Jethro?" She murmered suprised and scared at the same time God Jenny what must he think coming in and finding me lying on my bathroom floor covered in blood and passed out. "Yea its me Jen, Keep talking to me" He told her holding her closer to him watching her wishing the damm ambulance would hurry up.
She closed her eyes again "To tired" She murmered she then leaned into him listening to his heartbeat as he carried her down the stairs, By the time he had walked to the bottom of the stairs the ambulance was outside and he rushed to meet them. He placed her down on the stretcher in the back and held the hand of her good arm as the ambo worked on her right arm as the ambulance screamed its way through the washington streets to bethusda hospital.
"Is she naval or is it you?" The ambo asked Gibbs as he had finished wrapping Jens arm and hooking her up to oxygen and monitoring her heart that was all he could do till they reached the hospital.
"We are both NCIS Special Agents" He told the Ambo flashing him his badge, Deciding that he was not going to mention that Jen was the Director of NCIS cause if the media got hold of this he knew it would hurt her in more ways than one.
The Ambo nodded and turned his attention back to the patient.
Please,
please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday
you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no
one:
"Isn't something missing?"
She felt herself slipping into the darkness further she could still feel Gibbs hand in hers, She could hear him talking to her softly say sweet words to reassure her that she was going to be ok, But for the first time in her life she doubted the words that Leory Jethro Gibbs was saying to her and that scared her.
The Ambulance pulled into the hospital and Jen was taken straight through to the emergency room. She could hear doctors and nurses talking in medical terms all around her, She then heard Jethros voice demanding to know what was going on, Would she be ok? Then she felt his warm hand slip back into her own cold one
After what felt like years she could feel the bed she was lying on moving down a hallway, Jethro's hand still holding on tightly to hers, She then heard the soft kind voice of a nurse telling him that the doctor had given her something to help her sleep and they didn't expect her to wake up before the morning and that he should go home and be rested for her when she woke up tomorrow.
She smiled in her mind as she felt him squeezing her hand harder as he told the nurse nicely but sharply that he was not leaving Jens side untill she woke up and knew that he loved her.
She could almost hear the nurse smiling as she told him that she would arrange for a cot to be bought in so he could get some sleep if he wanted to, But Jen knew that he wouldn't leave her side or be letting go of her hand untill he saw with his own eyes that she was awake and ok.
She felt the room grow darker but still she heard him talking to her about nothing really, She heard him telling her about his team about how Abby she smiled briefly remembering the young gothic girl that seemed to remind Gibbs of his own lost daughter, the way he talked about Abby she could tell that he was proud of all the young women had achieved and that he would always watch out for the young girl.
She let her mind wander to thoughts of Gibb's own daughter the one she knew so little about, He had told her one night about them she remebered sitting up all night with him long after the Bourbon was finished long after the sand paper had gone blunt long after the candles she had spread around his basement had burned out they had sat on his boat named after his lost daughter, sharing the pain of his loss she had held him in her arms till they both had felt like there demons had left them.
Awhile later she felt his thumb rubbing over the back of her hand like she had done to him to calm down his anger whenever she had noticed it flaring up within him, She smiled and slowly opened her eyes they felt heavy still but not as heavy as before she found herself staring into his ice blue eyes and this time saw concern and love in them. She smiled weakly at him "Hey" She whisperd softly
His face broke into a huge grin when he saw that she was awake "Hey yourself" He told her standing up and brushing a kiss against her forehead she closed her eyes briedly as she felt his lips brush against her skin.
When he sat back down she squeezed her hand gently "You feeling ok?" He asked her gently his eyes running all over her face watching her for reaction to his question.
"Apart from feeling like my arm has been ripped open with something like a butchers knife, I'm fine" She told him
She saw a flash of pain run across his face as she mentioned her arm and she squeezed his hand again and stared into this eyes "You know it isn't your fault don't you Jethro" She told him firmly
"After what I said to you..." He let himself trail off not wanting to finish the sentance
"Jethro you trust me don't you?" She asked him
"Of course Jen" He assured her kissing her hand to assure her
"Then trust me when I say it wasn't what you said I...I have been finding things hard for a long time now" She explained softly feeling tears starting to form as she thought back to the pain and hurt that the last few months had bought to her.
He kissed her hand again, then looked into her eyes "Jen you arn't going to be alone anymore, I promise you" He told her meaning every word he was saying
"Don't promise unless you can keep it please Jethro, I.. I can't do it alone anymore" She told him softly
He traced shapes all over the back of her hand and this time leant over and kissed her gently on the mouth then when he pulled away he saw in her eyes that she trusted him. "I promise Jen" He whispered to her
Can
you stop, please?
Can you stop the fire?
You cant stop the
fire,
Can
you stop, please?
Can you stop the fire?
You cant stop the
fire,
The End.
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