Part 3

[I don't want to be alone tonight

On this planet we call Earth.

The air filled my lungs. Gone out. Malibu in winter.

I am cold. I am shivering. I sound like a girl when I say: I wish I had someone to hold on to and to keep me warm.

Stupid romantism. Stupid love filling my brain.

Two freaking years. Can I just get a mental break? Or some courage?

Life is for suffering, but suffering with someone is less difficult.

Last night she tore my heart apart for the thousand times.

When will she choose me over another thing?

My best friend Cooper asked me this morning:

"Why do you wait for her anyway? If you really don't want to be alone, please took any girl you can in Malibu. One that loves to walk in bikini and roller blades…There are thousand of them waiting for you on the beach dude! Why do you wait for her?"

I didn't answer on the phone. I did it in my mind:

"I'd rather be alone than with someone else than her."

Kill me now.

[These three perfect words

To you.

Lilly's on the phone. Speak normally. Stop stuttering. You're man buddy!

"No, she isn't here." I told Lilly when she asked me to talk to Miley. "She is at another supper for the promotion of her album. She is coming back in a hour."

"Oh, alright…" she said sadly.

"Why don't you call Oliver?" I asked her. What was I telling her?

"No..I..Hum…No." she was stuttering. God, her voice was cute.

Jackson, you're a man. Get over this and hung up!

"Can I come?" she hushed.

"Yes you can." I tried to be neutral. Not happy, not indifferent.

She chuckled and said a little "thanks! Coming!" and hung up.

I sat on the couch turning on the television.

I didn't have enough of her face but of my non-courage, yes.

I went in the kitchen and took a piece of paper and a pen.

Lilly,

If you decide to come, which I know you will do, sorry I am not home anymore.

You can meet me at the beach. At the Rico's stand for sure. Sorry I didn't have a spare key. If there is anything and that you can't find me, I have my cell phone.

Sorry, I had forgot something at the beach, but maybe I'll be back before you.

Love,

Jackson.

What was I thinking by writing "Love" at the end? I am so stupid?

I erase it and stick it with scotch tape on the entrance's door.

I took my cell phone and left the house.

She will meet me at the stand.

For the hundred time I will try to see if she likes me more than I think.

For the hundred time it will fail but I won't feel defeat and I will hope again.

Vicious cycle. I need to get out of this. Fast.

I need to tell her.

[But every time that I tried

I get tongue tied.

I am at the beach. Waiting for her. I am not at Rico's.

My plan is all made up.

Sitting on the sand. It's 9 pm.

The waves keep crashing on my feet. I wear sandals.

My face is facing half of the sea, the other all the groom of the beach.

I then see her walking and looking everywhere. I love the feeling that she is searching for me even if it's not because she wants to see me by herself. But anyway.

She is wearing sandals and jeans with a blue sweater. Her hairs are in a ponytail.

She just seems so flawless. I wish I could be like this.

People do think I am like this, but this is only appearance.

Planning.

#1: Waiting for her to come. Waiting for her to look for me then stand by Rico's.

Did.

#2: Pick up a girl

OK, there is Alexa. Oliver's little cousin. Lilly doesn't know her. I called her earlier. 15$ if she faked flirting with me. Did.

#3: Go by Rico's holding hands with Alexa and laughing and cuddling.

Accidentally not seeing Lilly.

#4: See her reaction. Please god, let it be good.

I go by Alexa and tapped her shoulder. She knows it's the moment.

"It's time for you to try something on her! Two years, Jackson. Even Oliver knows." She said me chuckling. I glared at her.

"Shut up, young girl." I replied trying to affect her.

"Only three years younger. Which is only one younger than the girl you try to make jealous…" She said with a hint of victory in her voice.

We laughed and directed ourselves toward the stand. Lilly is drinking. I can see her sweating, she try to unzipped her sweater but she doesn't seem to wear something else.

Alexa and I are holding hand and laughing. I tell her a little:

"Act like if you were my girlfriend. Be credible. Play it hard." She nodded.

Standing by the stand we are cuddling and she keeps touching my face with hands and whispering. She laughs in my ear. Damn, she's good at acting.

"So, baby, what we are going to do this weekend? My parents left the house. We have it all for ourselves…" she tells me with a seductive tone.

"Hum, sounds good. We won't throw a party. It's better just the two of us…"

"Jackson?" I hear and feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around.

Lilly's there, smiling.

"I was waiting for you! I got your note on the door. I looked for you…" she stopped when she saw the girl standing by my side cuddling my arm.

"Hey, I am Lilly. And you are…?" she couldn't stop smiling. No jealousy in her eyes.

"I am Alexa. Nice to meet you!" She said.

Please, God, let me see a hint of jealousy, of sadness in her eyes.

Please, God, let me know she has something for me.

I just wait for that since two years.

"You never told me you had a girlfriend, Jackson!" She said, smiling.

"Hum, well…it's new…" I stuttered.

Damn it.

"Jackson, baby, call me tomorrow, I have to go! Love ya, bye!"

Damn fucking God. Why can't you help me a little?

"So, Jackson baby? Want to head to your home?" she let out a chuckle.

I can't handle it anymore. I have enough of seeing her and just want to kiss her.

Tell her I love her.

I took out of my pocket my key and gave her.

"Suit yourself, I won't be back at home soon." I told her.

"Why?" she asked me.

"I just can't do it anymore. Please, just GO." I told her.

"Jacky, are you alright?" she asked me touching my shoulder.

Electricity shock.

"NO. Don't ask why. You'd be shocked by the fact that the problem is YOU." I yelled/muttered the last part.

I left.

Even if I let out something, I hope she didn't hear it.