=[Icha Icha Distortion]=
2

Innumerable light brown and paled yellow grains surged forwards and towards the lone dark manor that was erected in the desolated barren wasteland the moment they were spewed out of the celestial gate just like the other elements coming out of the eight dimensional portals scattered in all directions.

Once the airborne particles finally reached their destination, they swirled in a circular path, brewing up a sandstorm. As hurricane of sand and wind picked up speed and momentum, a pair of pitch black eyes manifested within its midst. Yellow irides and pupils, taking on the shape of a black four-pointed star with four black dots around it, glanced around the immediate vicinity before the sandstorm condensed, causing the grains within to join and glue together in order to form a appearance of an animal; a tanuki – a Japanese raccoon dog – to be precise.

The creature, whose body made entire of granite particles, swung its single jagged tail side to side while staring up at the spiky-haired blond. Its siblings, the other eight tailed beasts, also began to condense their element – to mold it into a new shape; into a tangible and perceivable body – while suppressing their overwhelming potent energy and natural element

"Do you have someone you need to erase in most gruesome manner, Naruto? Please say yes, pretty please," the raccoon asked whimsically.

Naruto chuckled amusingly at the bloodthirsty nature of the first tailed beast. It, along with the rest of its kinds, had evolved since the days of the Elemental Nations. As they grew stronger, they'd become the element themselves. In another wacky world filled boundless adventures and goofy pirates aboard the five vast seas, they were named and feared as the natural logia, the absolute might of nature.

"We will see about that, Shukaku," Naruto replied with a small smile as he waited patiently for the other eight tailed beasts to manifest. Their touchable bodies were slowly solidifying from whatever element they had become. "It's nice to see you too. How long has it been since we all came together like this?"

Shukaku tried to count its finger, but gave up after third failure. "About a week…?"

"So it's about the same as the last time this story was update then?" Naruto commented with a rather thoughtful expression while staring blankly into empty space. It was as if he was seeing something that wasn't there.

"What? I don't…" Shukaku mumbled confusingly. It then sighed and tapped its head with its only tail as a sign of having a headache. "You're still taking about random and incoherent stuff?"

"It only seems that way to you and everyone that inhabits this place," Naruto deadpanned and stopped abruptly at that. If he was to elaborate about the nature of his fourth-walling power any further, strange and bizarre things would occur. Those pesky time-skips and rushed exposition for example. He'd missed so much unwritten stuff whenever the damn narrator did that.

Naruto rolled his eyes at the previous paragraph and then planted them on the silver-haired maid, who finally found a way to enter the balcony connecting to the study room. He made a note to create a door into the glass wall in the future since she could not phrase through solid matter like he could.

Grayfia eyed the strange talking raccoon for a handful of attentive seconds before averting her mind onto the lingering red mist that seemed to singe her given uniform. She wondered what it was before bounded ribbons that held the attire together recklessly combusted into flames. Without any thought, she used her ice magic to douse them and glared at the blond, who raised a brow in response.

"Please stop trying to undress me, master," Grayfia requested sternly and adamantly. He had tried to do it on the first day of her new servitude, wanting to see she was hiding beneath. It was sexual harassment in all sense of the word, but she found it more troublesome than obscene.

"Huh? What…?" Naruto uttered questioning before cursing under his breath. "I know it sounded like me, but when did I do that exactly? I would really like to know what exactly happened in that scene so show it already, you stupid narrator." That wasn't going to happen since this section of the story only had six parts. It was far too short to illustrate everything twisted and depraved.

With the new information whether Naruto liked it or not since he accidently read it, he sighed before cocking his head to stare up and down the busty body of the silver-eyed maid before smirking. "I don't need to do something like that, Silver-chan. I can see everything you have just fine."

Grayfia narrowed her eyes at the blond suspiciously. Her mind tried to understand what the underlying implication was. "Are you telling me you can see through my clothing as if they weren't there?"

"Yes, he can with his perversion vision," divulged the blue flames, shaped like a cat. It brushed its head with its paw playfully while Grayfia pondered if that was true. The cat continued speaking after a few more long strokes. "So much power and all he ever do with them is screw around with girls. If only he just screws them…"

"Hey, I can't do that. A development phrase is a must, Matatabi," Naruto pointed out and then gestured his hand along the space right before the eight tailed fully formed tailed beast. "And the nine of you are here to help me do that. Oh, I should introduce everyone since the narrator probably too lazy to do so."

"Nine?" Grayfia mumbled when she only counted eight in total. From their animalistic appearance and the numbers of tails they have, she surmised that the last and missing one had nine tails. An image of a miniature Kyuubi immediately flashed in her mind. They were kind of adorable in her mind, but she would never admit that particular thought out loud.

"Narrator…? What he's talking about?" The onyx octopus, entirely made of ink, asked. The six-tails beast it was facing answered with "haven't we been through this before?" expression.

"Yes, we did," the eight tails beast said, "but I kept on forgetting, Saiken. I must ignore Naruto whenever possible for the sake of my sanity."

"That's for the best," Saiken responded while trying to stop its slimy and corrosive body from eating through the floor.

Naruto simply shrug at the comment before jabbing his thumb at the silver-haired woman, standing by his side. "Okay, this is Silver-chan. Her three sizes are… oh wait … I'm not supposed to know something like that." He lowered his voice to a whisper level. "I will tell you guys later in the next chapter or so."

While the eight tailed beasts simply stared awkwardly at him, wondering what the hell was he talking about, Grayfia only huffed with irritation. It wasn't a problem if he knew her exact size, but how he was able to acquire them was. He couldn't simply estimate her three sizes even if he could see through her clothing. She tried to move towards him, but found herself – oddly enough – unable to. It was as if she was being held in place by something she could not see or feel.

Naruto scratched his head before gesturing at the eight creatures once more. "These nine are known as Bijuu, the tailed beasts. The strongest team I could assemble."

"I thought we are known collectively as the Nine Gate Guardians," the watery turtle questioned in a timid manner.

"That's just your rank in the celestial realm, Isobu," Naruto answered. He clapped his palms together in order to prevent any more of them speaking up since if they keep on talking, this particular part of the story would never end. "Alright, you are wondering about why I summoned you –"

"For all of us to be summoned," Shukaku interjected thoughtfully before roaring in excitement. "There is an opponent that you can't handle!? Who is it? Let me crush them into bloody pulp!"

"Pipe down for a second will you?" Naruto requested before batting the red mist that was enveloping him and everyone. "I'm being serious here so can you stop groping her and materialize already!?"

"In a couple of minute or three… make it a few hours. Actually, ask me again in a week time," the deep voice responded. It seemed to originate from every direction.

"How about one second?" Naruto offered. When the entire building to quake heavily due to the power emanating from him, the red mist thickened and condensed to form nine long tendrils. All nine of them were wrapping around the silver-haired woman.

Grayfia widened her eyes slightly as she just understood why she couldn't move. More than half of furry tendrils were wrapping around her revealing legs and thighs, sliding up her skirt. The sensation of being groped came to her as she followed one of the tails towards a small fox with both of its paws upon her impressive busts.

"Don't mind me," Kurama said with a wide grin. "I'm just a no body."

– Icha Icha Distortion –

"Anyway, what were you saying, Naruto?" Kurama asked nonchalantly while being completely encased in several inches of unbreakable ice. The caster was still there, huffing in annoyance since her fury had diminished significantly.

Grayfia could deal with the blond's mischievous and lecherous behavior as he was her master, but she would not show any mercy to a perverted kyuubi, who somehow managed to grope her without her realizing it. Still fuming, she paid attention to the other eight tailed beasts, finding them a bit odd. They were chatting leisurely to one another other, completely unconcerned for the well-being of one of their own.

"I have summoned you all here so you could… wait, first thing first," Naruto said as he leaned closer to the magical glacier. "Kurama, did you find anything interesting?"

"You mean you want to know where her buttons and soft spots located." Kurama replied with a lewd grin. "It will cost you."

"I'm not letting you watch, you stupid fur ball," Naruto snorted. "The last time I did, you tried to convert what should have been a good and steamy lemon into bizarre tentacles rape scene."

"Hey, don't blame me," Kurama retorted, equating the word lemon to sexual intercourse since it had some idea what Naruto could see, ore more correctly, read. "They all born with three holes and you refuse to fill them all at the same time. Common, don't be so half ass about it."

"I'm not even going to comment on that," Naruto said and backed away from the ice cube. "Alright, I've summoned you here for –

"Hey, Naruto," Shukaku called out. "When are we going to get some action? You didn't call me here to talk did you?"

"You will see some action when you stop interrupting me," Naruto retorted loudly. He kept getting interrupted to the point that it starting to vex him. Except for the one encased in ice, the rest of the tailed beasts became quiet, allowing him to continue. "I've summoned you here so you could help me in a game against…"

Once Naruto finished explaining what he knew of the rating game that devils used as some kind of social ladder, he placed before them fifteen chess pieces. "So, who want to be what? There's only one Queen, two bishops, two rooks, two knights and eight pawns. I think I could put more than one piece into you guys, but I don't think you need more than one."

"We will take a pawn each. Kurama can have the rest," Saiken spoke for the rest since most of them didn't care either way. A few of them were already snoozing away.

"Don't want it," Kurama snorted from inside the ice shell, "and it's not going to work, you know? Why do you even need a team anyway? If one of you is not sufficient then thousands of you definitely will."

"…" Naruto paused and thought for a moment. He eyed Grayfia for a couple of seconds before speaking up again. "Well, it would be kind of arrogance of me to not bring a good and adequate peerage against her husband, who is like some kind of super important person in the underworld. And besides, the game should be fair and square right? Only me, myself and I battling a full peerage doesn't seem fair, and you guys isn't all that busy anyway."

"Actually, we are," Matatabi spoke up, "but we will help you in any way we can. It could be fun."

"What she said," Kurama called out in a bemused tone, earning an annoyed look from all its still awoke siblings. It quickly changed the subject. "There isn't anything fair and square about the game!"

Grayfia nodded in agreement. "Pardon me, master. They seemed to have unusual ability, but are you sure you wish to use them against Lucifer-sama?"

While Naruto arched a brow at the underlying statement, Shukaku growled vexingly. "What do you mean by that?"

Grayfia leaned slightly over the tailed beasts. With their appearance, they were more like familiar than an effective peerage's member. "I apologize, but I can't fathom how you will be able to fight with your current size?"

"Size doesn't matter," Shukaku responded instinctively. "We only look like this because –

"Size does matter, you tanuki," Kurama snorted loudly in its icy prison. "Grope those huge tits and you'll understand. If they weren't that big, I wouldn't even bother paying them any mind let alone thinking what they going to taste like. Isn't that right, Naruto?"

"Damn straight," Naruto agreed, implying he already groped them before. He patted his pant. "Size does matter!"

"You two are such idiot," Saiken muttered.

"How you use it mattered more," Matatabi added its opinion.

Isobu was a bit curious. Despite its incredible age, it was still naïve and innocence. "Use what?"

"Use your size apparently. Like this," Chomei chimed in, spreading its wings to increasing its current size, overshadowing Shukaku, who was growing more irritated and frustrated by the second. It was always about size and number of tails with its siblings. It hated being compared like that since it had only one, thus the weakest and puniest of them all.

That kind of comparison was no longer true ever since they all evolved and ascended. They had never tested their power against one another as there was really no point, but being made of sands, Shukaku could manipulate the entire earth, and in theory, that ability alone granting it a far greater destructive capability than the rest of its siblings. Sadly, its siblings still compared using their tails as basis.

"You… you want to see size? I will show you size!" Shukaku growled loudly. The entire region then shook heavily. It entire body exploded into flowing sands, streaming and swirling into the air. Since everywhere around the secluded mansion was made of the earth, the one-tail beast manipulated them through its power, crushing everything in the ground into innumerable grains almost instantly.

The barren and desolately landscape morphed into a death desert in less than a second. Thousands of pillar of sands erupted around the mansion, jetting into the sky, joining together, shaping into massive hovering raccoon. Its size was comparable to that of a full moon.

Grayfia widened their eyes. She could not believe what she was seeing. The small and strangely adorable raccoon had become monstrously enormous. It size was far greater than any being she had ever met or head about in her life, and with a non-threating swing of its tail, the ground shook heavily and ruptured as if a large asteroid had collided into it.

"So that's why the mansion was built in this damn forsaken place," Naruto mumbled. Collateral damage would be nil. "Thought of everything didn't you?"

"That hot tempered, Ichibi," Matatabi purred and stretched its limbs.

"Is Shukaku still the weakest among us?" Isobu asked innocently.

"… This is the weakest?" Grayfia uttered with shock. "Are you… all God-class?"

"God-class," Saiken muttered. "Does that mean whether we are God level or not? If it's the case, we are higher. Is that correct, Naruto?"

Naruto only gave a shrug since never really classified what his power level currently at. All he knew that his power was so great that even if he somehow met his demise either due to his foolishness or his own desire, it would automatically resurrected him and recreate his body in the celestial realm.

"You could only do this much? What a waste of your size," Kurama snorted with a loud and dismissive yawn. "Matatabi was right, you know! It's how you used it! A weakling becoming huge is just a huge weakling! Ahahahahaha!"

"Stop insulting Shukaku, Kurama," Naruto scolded the frozen fox.

"You bastard, Kurama. I'm going to crush you!" Shukaku roared as massive sandstorm brewed with the manor at its epicenter.

"Brace for impact," Matatabi jested amusingly while the rest of the tailed beast rolled their eyes at the warning and suggestion. Such a physical attack was almost ineffective against them. The only one that could potentially be in any danger was those that made of flesh and bones.

"Huh? Who is made of flesh and bones?" Naruto uttered and looked around. His realization came too late as the entire area imploded into itself, crushing everything that existed within.

– To be continued –